Off-topic:Because I can. Also, apparently, the music that I listen to changes my story around so much that I absolutely can't listen to funny music and try to write a serious piece. It just cannot be done. Not that it matters, cause this is the result. I DO RECOMMEND THAT YOU READ THE FIRST 5 CHAPTERS OF "Everlasting Bonds: Wings of Despair" FIRST! I have no idea how often I'll write these, but they are meant to be read as humor-fiction, and CANNOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THEY ARE NOT PART OF CANON.

Thank you. Enjoy.

Everlasting bonds: Wings of despair(NON-CANON)

Side episode 1: Terrifying mistress of the soup kitchen

It was becoming quickly apparent that their journey would become a boring one. Actually, that was true for every journey from someplace to somewhere. Still, Robin would have done away with the journeys, had he been able.

The Shepherds traveled as a line of units, along the highway; they were not created to skulk in the forests. But Robin wanted some variety. They had been on horseback nearly two weeks now, and his back was killing him. Lucina will have another laugh at my expense, he thought to himself. She can be such a… Brute? No, the she was too ladylike. Child? No, she had grown up in an unimaginable future, and survived it.

Robin's mind tried to desperately invent new insults, but nothing came to his mind, except words used in strategy and warfare. He was starting to think that those books were a bad influence for him. As dedicated student of warfare as he was, there had to be a limit on how many books he should try cram into his mind; not to mention the fact that he had not had a real conversation with anyone else than Lucina for a week. Lesser man would be dead by now, he thought grimly.

"We are stopping", Chrom shouted from the front, waving to signal the very words he spoke.

It is going to be the deadliest supper in the whole world, Robin thought sarcastically. I only hope that Lucina will not kill me with her comebacks

One could always dream.

Apparently, dreams come true. Lucina was not feeling well, and had withdrawn to her quarters. Robin knew that it was horrible for him to feel so elated, but he could not resist the feeling; after all, he could have normal conversations again.

"So, Gaius", he said while they were sitting around a fire. Dozen such were around the landscape, as the Shepherds rarely ate in a big group. There were such occasions, Robin knew, but they were rare and occurred once in a couple of months. "I hear that your wife is doing better now", he said, waiting for Gaius's reaction. None came. "Uh… Gaius?"

"Mmn", the thief answered.

"Does that mean yes, or is it perhaps a definite no?" he asked curiously.

"Hmmhm."

"Blast it, you are no fun."

"Mmmnnnnnrghh… Ah… You know Brains, you should really wait till the people swallow their food", Gaius finally said, wiping his mouth with the end of his cloak.

"I will remember that the next time", the tactician promised. "So, Cordelia?"

"Fine."

"That's it?" he asked. Surely the man had something else to say.

"No. There is a problem", Gaius answered, shaking his head.

"I knew it! So, what is it about?"

"Well, Brains", Gaius said, "do you see that girl there? The one with orange hair?"

"I see her."

"She's mine", Gaius said bluntly. The tactician started to glare at his friend.

"You are cheating on your wife?" he hissed, feeling disgust and contempt toward his friend. He could not help it, the whole concept felt so wrong.

"Sweet mother of pies, no! Brains, she's my daughter!"

"Oh that is it… Wait, what?" This was now wrong on all possible levels. Firstly, it was enough that they had one time-jumping specimen that had no regard for manners. But if there was another…

Robin felt like dying.

"Oy, Brains! You spilled your soup."

Robin gazed upon his plate. All that was left was a lick of soup. It would not be enough for a dog, let alone a grown man. At this rate he would have to ride hungry tomorrow.

Robin sighed. This was not his day.

"Could you not ask Sumia for a second portion?" Gaius asked him, trying to lift his spirits up.

"She will not give me anything", Robin said sullenly.

"You are the tactician, Brains. Surely she would give you something?"

"She would give me a piece of moldy bread and some rainwater. Seriously, Gaius, do you think that stature carries any meaning in the Shepherds?" Robin asked.

"Look, Brains, at least you could say that you tried."

Gaius's words had such irrefutable wisdom that the tactician found himself unwillingly walking towards Sumia. Let this be a success, gods, and I will apologize even to Lucina, he prayed in his mind. Not that I was wrong, mind you. It was she who dropped her dinner in the first place; I just gave a little… Alright, so I was wrong. I simply ask for some soup in exchange for reconciliation. You will never get such a good deal from me again, you hear?

Sumia gave him a sidelong glance and muttered something. Robin could not hear what she said, but he felt such a presence from her that he stopped to his place, feeling sudden chills. There were stories about how Sumia treated the people that asked for a second helping; most of them included trees and ropes, and were very terrifying.

"Robin?" she asked, making the tactician feel like the dogs of war had been unleashed on him. But he had to continue; otherwise he would fall from horseback tomorrow.

"I came to…" he said, his teeth clattering to an almost comedic effect. "I came to…"

Sumia sighed. "You came to get seconds, yes?"

"Seconds. Yes. Good." This is going well, he congratulated himself, trying to ignore his own fear.

"None for you", she said. Alright gods, you and me, we are officially done now, Robin thought angrily.

"Or you could do me a favor, and I will see to that you have enough food for tonight", she said and smiled. How about some reconciliation action, hmm, Robin thought again, sparing no concern for the fact that normal people would consider him mad.

"What favor?" Robin asked, hoping that it would not be too demanding. He still had to apologize to Lucina.

"Lucina is not feeling well", Sumia said to him, and from that moment Robin knew that this whole day had been rigged by someone for maximal pain. Someone out there was venting his issues at him, but he had no idea which one of the gods it would be. It had to be someone who had issues with smart men, or so Robin concluded.

"Someone needs to bring her some soup. I would ask Chrom to do it, but he is still scouting around the camp. So, one of you brave people needs to do it."

Yes, I said I would reconcile with her, no, I did not mean IMMEDIATELY! Then again, what choice did Robin have? It was either this, or hunger and tears during tomorrow's ride.

"I will do that", Robin said and could have sworn that he heard a drum roll cue his walk towards his doom.

Robin arrived to Lucina's tent. As he had no way to make sure whether she was fully clothed or not, he decided to play safe.

"Risen are upon us!" he yelled, careful to not do it so that others noticed. It would become such a pain if others rushed here, only to find him alone with Lucina. He could not face her ever again after that. Not that he wanted to, of course, but there were some definite tactical advantages to being able to talk to her.

As Lucina darted out from the tent he shouted after her: "Back to your tent! I just needed to check whether you were indecent or not!"

The Princess – as she was called by many – pierced Robin with her glare, and walked back to the tent. Robin followed her inside, and took a glance around. It was not that different from their tents; there was room on the ground for the bed, some tables and a chair. Nothing suspicious laid there, Lucina did not even have anything that would help her to pass time.

He thought about it for a moment.

"Why. Are. You. Here?"

What, was it not apparent enough?

He held the bowl towards her. "You mother told me to make you eat this."

She frowned at him, but proceeded to take the bowl nonetheless.

"How do you pass time?" Robin asked, curious to know about Lucina's daily habits. Maybe there was something there that he could flail at her face if she became obnoxious again.

"I train with the sword", she answered, gulping down the soup. Robin gazed at her, unable to believe his ears.

"All day long?" he asked. Lucina nodded at him, focusing only on her soup. "No wonder you are such a beast on the battlefield", he said, forgetting to keep his mouth shut. Lucina, however, was not bothered by it.

"I think the word you are looking for is graceful", she said rather conversationally. She was acting really strange.

"Yes, graceful. Do you have any other ways that you use to pass time?" Robin asked, trying to desperately find her weakness. He cared not for any kind of reconciliation anymore, only revenge.

"Hmm", she said, looking far away. Then she blinked. "I love stories."

"Reeaaaalllly? And of what kind, if I may ask?"

Now they were getting somewhere. It would only be a matter of time till he found her weakness, and then…

"Children's stories. Father used to tell me those when I was very little. Then he died", she said, finishing her plate.

Alright, Lucina, that is just too sad, Robin thought. He felt… Wrong. Evil.

He was sure that if he continued this way there would be no return for him.

He could not do it. He would not betray a friend, betray Chrom.

And so he escaped the tent.

"Waaaaaait, you forgot the plate!" Lucina screamed after him, but the tactician could not hear it anymore.

Robin ran all the way back to the soup kitchen, huffing like tired dog.

Now he would finally receive his due pay. The tactician lifted his head up.

Sumia had not disappeared anywhere, and stood there, gazing at him. Robin laughed. Whatever could happen to him now? He had made it out from the tiger's den.

"I did it Sumia", he said, huffing. "It is done. I gave her the soup."

"Good. Come here to get your second serving", she said, beckoning to him. "And remember, do not spill it."

"Yes ma'am!"

"Very good. You can sit over there", she said, pointing at the nearby stool.

Something nagged at Robin. Something about asking seconds.

"Oh, and Robin?" Sumia said, coiling rope around her arms. "Eat quickly."

His alarm bells started ringing. "What? Why? It is not the trees, is it?" he asked, terrified out of his wits.

"No, silly", she said and smiled. "I will simply tie up your feet and mount my pegasus."

After that day a saying was created among the Shepherds: "Never anger the mistress of the soup kitchen, or you'll scream like the tactician did."