Just One Question

By Light-Eco-Sage

Rated: Mature for language and mentions of sex (Fem!Shepard/Garrus Vakarian) plus a brief description of a fictional pornographic movie.

Summary: During the party during the Citadel DLC for Mass Effect 3. "There's only one more thing that needs to be cleared up… a question that will test the very bonds of our friendships: just how do Turian and human relationships work?"

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is owned by Bioware and EA. Not me.

LES: My Shepard is a largely Paragon soldier. She didn't have a relationship with anyone in Mass Effect 1 because she was holding out for Garrus.

All in all, Commander Jane Shepard felt that the party that she was hosting for her crew and friends was a large success. Everyone was getting along pretty well, and none of her furniture had been destroyed. So, as far as parties went… everything was going great.

Well, maybe it wasn't going entirely well. Her Turian lover and boyfriend, Garrus Vakarian, was spending entirely too much time obsessing about home security. Well, it was sort of cute to watch him be all over-protective, calling her sweetie and love of his life, but she'd much rather have him at her side. And she would be more comfortable knowing that she could walk past the glass accent by her door without it exploding, use her hot tub without it cooking her, or to make her morning coffee without her coffee maker turning into a bomb.

She could only hope that he was drunk enough that it was mostly just talk and he wouldn't actually do any of those things, so she left him too it.

It was pretty entertaining to watch her friends get this drunk. Tali was being, frankly, hilarious and she was glad that Kasumi had recorded Tali's Normandy impressions. Javik was another person who was a bit of a surprise. She'd had doubts about inviting the bitter Prothean, but he turned out to have a much better personality while he was drunk than when he was sober. Despite the fact that he never joked around, some of the things that he managed to say were pretty funny.

She was on the upper level, and she just walked past EDI and Specialist Traynor discussing the sexual advances the human woman made on EDI when she thought that EDI was just your average VI rather than a fully unshackled AI program. As she left, Tali who didn't seem to be listening to their conversation at all, began to worry loudly that the cheese wasn't dextro cheese and yelling that she had accidentally poisoned herself.

The different food types had been clearly labeled, but Shepard stopped long enough to reassure the drunken Quarian girl that the cheese she had consumed was, indeed, dextro.

When she went down stairs again, she found that Joker was surrounded by most of the male members of the party. "So, are you planning to take things further with EDI?" Vega asked. It was no secret among the Normandy crew that Joker had a rather new relationship with the AI. Some people might look down on it, but Jane was fine with it. Hell, she wasn't one to judge. She was the one who was in love with a member of an alien race that humans once fought a war with.

"I'm still trying to work out how to do it." Joker confessed.

"Cause she's an android?" Wrex asked.

"A fucking hot android!" Vega finished.

"No. She's an android, but she does have all the… parts." Joker said. "I was actually referring to my disease. I want to, but I'd rather find a way that doesn't lead to broken bones to do it."

"Just tell EDI to be gentle." Shepard said, inserting herself into the conversation. "She cares for you and knows about your disease. She doesn't want you to get hurt any more than you do."

"Lola's right, as usual." Vega said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Speaking of mates, where is yours, Shepard?" Wrex asked.

"Last I checked? Turning my coffee maker into a bomb." She answered.

The others laughed. "Have you managed to talk him out of turning the glass fixture into an exploding death trap?" Kaidan asked.

"Actually, I think he has his heart set on that one." Shepard replied.

It was no use keeping her relationship with Garrus a secret. It seemed that pretty much everyone on the Normandy knew immediately after Garrus had spent the night in her cabin with her. Before, they had tried to tone their relationship down in public, keeping their intimate moments confined to private. But after their recent date and sensual tango here on the Citadel, news of their relationship would probably spread like wild fire across the extranet.

Jane didn't care what people thought of her and her relationship with Garrus. There would be those who wouldn't understand: calling her a traitor to humanity at worst and at best saying that she had a Turian fetish.

She certainly didn't have a Turian fetish. She never felt sexually attracted to any of the other Turians she saw. Being with Garrus wasn't about him being a Turian. It was about him being Garrus, the one friend who had stayed with her every step of the way and the one she could count on to have her back in any situation, even stepping into hell. She trusted him and relied on him like no other. She loved him.

Garrus felt the same way. He'd told her right up front that he didn't have any sort of human fetish. He loved her for who she is, never once minding the fact that she wasn't a Turian as well.

"Speaking of the Commander and Garrus…" Joker began. "I think it's time we all had a question answered… one that will test the very bonds of our friendship…" Jane's heart started to pound nervously. This was starting to sound like the beginning of a 'serious' conversation, and a lively drunken party was never the best place to have a serious conversation. "We've all wondered… how do you and Garrus… you know… have sex?"

Jane Shepard could have sworn that the music suddenly stopped. It didn't take long for her to realize that it had. It was not hard to blame Liara's VI for that one. It was in charge of the music, after all. And, what's worse, Joker's question was heard all over the apartment and practically everyone rushed in close.

I guess Joker wasn't lying about all of them wondering. Shepard realized.

To be honest, she knew how they felt. When she began to fall in love with Garrus during the hunt for Saren, she spent many hours wondering how a physical relationship with him would be possible. Besides knowing that it was possible, she didn't know how to pull it off. It wasn't until Mordin joined the Normandy crew that she had been given the knowledge on how to follow through with her feelings. Thanks to Mordin's information, their first night together wasn't the 'horrible inter-species awkwardness thing' that Garrus predicted.

Thank God that Garrus heard as well and abandoned his attempts to turn the coffee maker into a bomb and hurried over as fast as he could on slightly unsteady drunken legs.

"Turian biology isn't entirely different from human biology." Shepard said. Damn it, she could feel her face heating up with a blush! "The basic mechanics are the same. Tab A into Slot B."

"Don't bullshit us, Lola." Vega said, crossing his arms. "I've happened to see him in the showers on the Normandy. And it seems to me that Turians don't even have any junk."

"Junk?" Garrus repeated, confused.

"A slang term for a penis." Shepard explained to him.

"Ah."

Surprising even herself, or maybe it was because she was glad to have Garrus at her side for this, Jane laughed. "I should hope that you've never seen his penis!"

"Huh?" Vega asked.

"A Turian male's reproductive organs are stored internally to protect against the solar radiation on Palaven." Garrus answered technically. It was a lot easier to talk about his, um… 'junk' if he spoke clinically. "If they were constantly exposed like a human male's there would be many more children born with mutations and deformities on Palaven. Only arousal exposes the penis."

"What about allergies, though?" Tali slurred drunkenly.

"Allergies are only a problem with ingestion." Shepard explained. "And there are pills we can take beforehand to calm the allergic reaction. Other than that, the only problem is…"

"Chaffing." Shepard and Garrus said at once. They gazed at each other and laughed. Garrus had obviously had his own talk with Mordin. The other's eyes widened in horror and shock. "But a little oil on his armor plates clears that problem right up."

Everyone at once had a rather vivid mental image of Shepard sensually spreading oil on Garrus' armored chest. To some, the thought was less welcome than others.

"How did you two learn all this?" Miranda asked.

"Oh… trial and error." Shepard answered with a blush.

"Actually, my records indicate that both Commander Shepard and Officer Garrus Vakarian made separate visits to Doctor Mordin during his time on the Normandy and he gave them both human-Turian sex manuals, human-Turian pornographic vids, and medical advice along with the antihistamine pills." EDI said calmly.

If Shepard hadn't turned red before, she was blushing now.

"You have human-Turian porn!?" Vega gasped. "I didn't even know that they made that!"

"It is a relatively small demographic within the pornographic community." EDI commented.

"EDI!" Shepard gasped, now beyond embarrassed. She sighed, running a nervous hand through her hair. "Look, Mordin did give us that information, but we only used a little bit… only to learn the basics."

"Actually, my records also indicate that you both read the sex manual to 100% completion and that you have watched at least three of the pornographic vids, one of which was watched in Officer Garrus Vakarian's company." EDI said.

Shepard had turned beet red at this point, and Garrus' mandibles were clenched tight against his jaw, a sure sign of embarrassment and the Turian equivalent of a blush. "I think I'm just going to… go to bed now…" Shepard said slowly, a little traumatized. Garrus only hesitated a second before he followed his mate up the stairs and toward her room. There would probably not be any sex tonight, what with the embarrassment and everyone staying the night. But he could comfort her, at least.

Down below, things were quiet for a few moments before Joker stepped over to the vid screen in Shepard's living room and examined the movies that she had. None of the titles struck him as porn. "EDI, are any of these the human-Turian porn that the Commander has?"

"No, Jeff." EDI answered. "Commander Shepard has not possessed this apartment long enough to begin moving her private collection of movies to the apartment. All of her vids are stored on her private terminal on the Normandy."

Everyone fell silent until Wrex asked the obvious question. "Can you access it?"

"Of course." EDI replied. Even she didn't like the evil looks that everyone else got.

Garrus had been right in thinking that Shepard didn't feel up to having sex with him while everyone was spread all over the apartment. Not that he minded because she had allowed him to play with her body a little bit. Besides, the rest of the crew would be kicked out of the apartment tomorrow and there was still a few days of the Normandy being under repair thanks to the damaged caused by their fight against Jane's clone. What was one night when he would have the next few days with her completely alone?

Shepard had fallen asleep, at least somewhat convinced that the others were drunk enough that they wouldn't remember her humiliation. That is, until Garrus heard a surprised shout from downstairs. Followed quickly by many more exclamations.

Curious, Garrus eased himself gently out of his mate's bed, double-checked that he wasn't about to walk out naked and give the rest of the crew more of a lesson on Turian anatomy than they all ready experienced that night. Once he was sure that he was presentable, he stepped out of Shepard's room and made his way downstairs.

Everyone seemed to be gathered around the vid screen, and his jaw and mandibles hanging loose in surprise and shock.

Playing on the screen was the very pornographic movie that he and Shepard had watched together, and it was currently playing a very graphic scene between two male Turians and a human female. The entire room was in an uproar over the vid. Hell, he could see Tali's blush even through her enviro-suit's protective face plate. The woman gasped in shock when the two Turians took the human woman from both sides. And the men yelled loudly, throwing a human food known as popcorn at the screen. Garrus couldn't tell if it was done in protest or excitement.

Slowly, and hoping to all the Spirits that no one had seen him standing there, he backed away and made his way back up to Shepard's room. A few strokes to the security console's computer made her room sound-proof. Not to keep the noises in, but to keep the noises out. Hopefully, Jane would never find out.

LES: Maybe I should explain the popcorn throwing? I don't know. It's something that I've seen my family do when they are drunk and watching a sexually explicit scene in a movie. I'd like to think that alien porn would be just as cheesy as human porn.