I don't own Metal Gear Solid or any of its characters.
Once there was a high school. Within that school was a class filled with obnoxious, rude, uncontrollable students. They had driven three teachers to insanity, caused five teachers to quit, and caused one teacher to start a new life as a crime-fighting vigilante named Turkeyman. The school was desperate. The parents complained but did nothing about it. The principal decided he must do something drastic. That's where our hero comes in. This is his story.
Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Education
[A bell is heard as students enter the classroom.]
Dan: I hear we get a new teacher today. What should we do to him?
Chris: Lets break some paintballs into his coffee...Hey! Why is there a cardboard box on the desk?
[The students' attention is diverted to a large box with the words "ZOE" on the front.]
Dan: I don't know, but it's eye-catching!
Brian: Who cares? I got some paintballs. Lets put them in the coffee before he comes.
[Brian walks behind the desk and proceeds to use a pen to break the paintballs.]
Solid Snake: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Brian: Holy S***! There's a guy in that box!
Snake: Yeah, and he's pointing a gun at your head. So step away from my booze.
Chris: Booze?
[Brian backs away, at first slowly, but then sprints back to his seat. Snake lifts Box 5 off of his head.]
Keith: Ha! He's got a mull- ACK!
Jessica: Oh S***! That freaky man with a mullet shot him!
Snake: (replacing his M9) Relax, it's only a tranquilizer. He'll be fine in a few hours.
Some time later.
[Snake has already taken attendance and scared the children S***less. He is now teaching the class about combat helicopters.]
Snake:.The Hind D was forth in a series of Soviet helicopters given the designation Mi-24. The Mi-24 was the first helicopter gunship built by the Mikhail Mil design bureau.
[A clicking sound is heard.]
Snake: (draws his gun) What the hell was that?!?
Jessie: Christine's chewing gum again.
Christine: (chewing gum) No I wasn't!
Snake: (lowering gun) What did your old teacher do in this situation?
Bob: Besides pull her hair out? (a snicker from several students is heard) Usually she would make her stand in the corner with the gum on her nose.
Snake: I have a better idea.
A little while later:
[Snake has now moved onto yet another subject.]
Snake: (Proudly presenting a large gun) This is an AKS-72u.
[The students gasp at the weapon held before them.]
Heather: Ahh!
Chris: Cool!
Violet: He can't do that!
Kevin: Can I hold it?
Snake: Sure! (Hands gun to Kevin.) You're never too young to handle a Kalashnikov. Now this gun is smaller than most AKs and can support a laser aimer and suppressor and even a grenade-
Violet: (timidly raises her hand) Um, Mr. Snake, I, uh, think something is like, uh, touching my leg.
Snake: So?
Violet: Uh, I don't see him.
Snake: Let's see. (He places IR goggles on head and scans the class. He then sees a familiar outline next to Violet) Aha! You! (Snake tackles the unseen intruder.)
Grey Fox: (suddenly visible and lying on the ground in pain) Ahhh! Hurt me more, Snake!
[Snake gets up and looks down on the cyborg-like ninja lying on the floor.]
Snake: Frank, you know you can't be in here molesting my students.
Fox: (getting up) You can't tell me what to do. Besides, most of the other students seemed to have liked it.
Several female students: Gross!
Snake: (ignores them) How long have you been here?
Fox: A while. By the way, I really liked the way you handled the gum- chewer. (He points to Christine, who is currently in the corner balancing a block of C4 on her face.)
Christine: Help..me..
Snake: Oh crap! I forgot about her! Fox, go get the coolant spray out of my car.
Fox: You mean the Abrams out front?
Snake: Yeah.
A burst of gunfire is heard.
Kevin: Oh S***!
Bob: (on the ground, bleeding from his arm) ARGGG!!! It hurts! It hurts! I'm gonna die!
Snake: (unconcerned) Calm down, pussy. Eat this. (He tosses him a ration.)
Bob: Eat?!?! EAT?!?! I've been shot!
Snake: Eat it or you'll be shot again.
Bob: (eats the ration) Wow! I feel much better.
Later.
[Everyone is uncharacteristically quiet as Snake moves on to his next lesson of the day.]
Snake: Okay class, the school has requested that I teach you about computers. I don't know much about this so I brought in a friend to help me.
Jason: (whispering) Oh no, not another one of his "friends"
[Otacon walks in wearing a lab coat.]
Snake: This is Otacon.
Joe: Ha! He's a dork! What the hell kinda name is "Otacon"?
Otacon: My real name's Hal. (The entire class laughs.) Hey! (upset) Snake, these students aren't very nice.
Snake: You little brats better shut up before I set off another stun grenade!
[Everyone is quiet once again.]
Otacon: Thank you, Snake. You make a good teacher.
Snake: (offended) Shut up.
Otacon: Anyway, students, you all have computers at you desk. To access them, face them and press the [action button].
[The students look around them confused. Several of them study the keyboard.]
Jennifer: Action button?
[A few boys stick their hand down their pants.]
Kevin: I love that button.
Otacon: No! On your controllers! (The class is still confused.) Don't tell me you don't know what a controller is!
Snake: I told you they weren't that bright.
Chris: Hey! I think you just have to press this power switch on the side.
[He presses it and his computer turns on.]
Otacon: Hmm.I suppose that could work.
After class.
[Heather and Emily, henceforth known as Airhead 1 and Airhead 2, walk down the hall.]
Airhead 1: I know! Bret was all over Jamie at the party when Emma was gone.
Airhead 2: Yeah, but he's dating Emma! I think I should tell her.
Airhead 1: Yeah. Hold on, I need to stop and get something out of my locker. (She opens her locker) AHHHHHH!
Airhead 2: What's wrong?
Airhead 1: There's a man in my locker!
[Solid Snake is squeezed inside the tiny locker, sweating.]
Snake: Um, could you please close the door. (He pauses for a moment.) Oh, by the way, I think you should totally tell Emma about Bret and Jamie. He's a dirt bag for cheating on her.
[The two airheads look at each other in disbelief.]
Aihead 2: Uhh.
[Grey Fox suddenly appears next to them.]
Airhead 1: AHHH!
Fox: (ignoring the girls) No way! I was there. Jamie was coming onto Bret. He's a teenage boy. There was nothing he could do! There's no way he could've resisted.
Snake: Ha! You're just saying that because you were a pimp in high school!
Fox: At least I got laid!
Snake: (offended) You know I had a long distance relationship with someone else! I was loyal!
Fox: You two hadn't talked in three years! It was over!
Snake: (crying) She said she'd call! I waited and waited.
Airhead 2: Uh, maybe we should go.
That was day one of Snake's new teaching career. I'll write some more. It will last until Snake gets fired or arrested. Whichever comes first.
Once there was a high school. Within that school was a class filled with obnoxious, rude, uncontrollable students. They had driven three teachers to insanity, caused five teachers to quit, and caused one teacher to start a new life as a crime-fighting vigilante named Turkeyman. The school was desperate. The parents complained but did nothing about it. The principal decided he must do something drastic. That's where our hero comes in. This is his story.
Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Education
[A bell is heard as students enter the classroom.]
Dan: I hear we get a new teacher today. What should we do to him?
Chris: Lets break some paintballs into his coffee...Hey! Why is there a cardboard box on the desk?
[The students' attention is diverted to a large box with the words "ZOE" on the front.]
Dan: I don't know, but it's eye-catching!
Brian: Who cares? I got some paintballs. Lets put them in the coffee before he comes.
[Brian walks behind the desk and proceeds to use a pen to break the paintballs.]
Solid Snake: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Brian: Holy S***! There's a guy in that box!
Snake: Yeah, and he's pointing a gun at your head. So step away from my booze.
Chris: Booze?
[Brian backs away, at first slowly, but then sprints back to his seat. Snake lifts Box 5 off of his head.]
Keith: Ha! He's got a mull- ACK!
Jessica: Oh S***! That freaky man with a mullet shot him!
Snake: (replacing his M9) Relax, it's only a tranquilizer. He'll be fine in a few hours.
Some time later.
[Snake has already taken attendance and scared the children S***less. He is now teaching the class about combat helicopters.]
Snake:.The Hind D was forth in a series of Soviet helicopters given the designation Mi-24. The Mi-24 was the first helicopter gunship built by the Mikhail Mil design bureau.
[A clicking sound is heard.]
Snake: (draws his gun) What the hell was that?!?
Jessie: Christine's chewing gum again.
Christine: (chewing gum) No I wasn't!
Snake: (lowering gun) What did your old teacher do in this situation?
Bob: Besides pull her hair out? (a snicker from several students is heard) Usually she would make her stand in the corner with the gum on her nose.
Snake: I have a better idea.
A little while later:
[Snake has now moved onto yet another subject.]
Snake: (Proudly presenting a large gun) This is an AKS-72u.
[The students gasp at the weapon held before them.]
Heather: Ahh!
Chris: Cool!
Violet: He can't do that!
Kevin: Can I hold it?
Snake: Sure! (Hands gun to Kevin.) You're never too young to handle a Kalashnikov. Now this gun is smaller than most AKs and can support a laser aimer and suppressor and even a grenade-
Violet: (timidly raises her hand) Um, Mr. Snake, I, uh, think something is like, uh, touching my leg.
Snake: So?
Violet: Uh, I don't see him.
Snake: Let's see. (He places IR goggles on head and scans the class. He then sees a familiar outline next to Violet) Aha! You! (Snake tackles the unseen intruder.)
Grey Fox: (suddenly visible and lying on the ground in pain) Ahhh! Hurt me more, Snake!
[Snake gets up and looks down on the cyborg-like ninja lying on the floor.]
Snake: Frank, you know you can't be in here molesting my students.
Fox: (getting up) You can't tell me what to do. Besides, most of the other students seemed to have liked it.
Several female students: Gross!
Snake: (ignores them) How long have you been here?
Fox: A while. By the way, I really liked the way you handled the gum- chewer. (He points to Christine, who is currently in the corner balancing a block of C4 on her face.)
Christine: Help..me..
Snake: Oh crap! I forgot about her! Fox, go get the coolant spray out of my car.
Fox: You mean the Abrams out front?
Snake: Yeah.
A burst of gunfire is heard.
Kevin: Oh S***!
Bob: (on the ground, bleeding from his arm) ARGGG!!! It hurts! It hurts! I'm gonna die!
Snake: (unconcerned) Calm down, pussy. Eat this. (He tosses him a ration.)
Bob: Eat?!?! EAT?!?! I've been shot!
Snake: Eat it or you'll be shot again.
Bob: (eats the ration) Wow! I feel much better.
Later.
[Everyone is uncharacteristically quiet as Snake moves on to his next lesson of the day.]
Snake: Okay class, the school has requested that I teach you about computers. I don't know much about this so I brought in a friend to help me.
Jason: (whispering) Oh no, not another one of his "friends"
[Otacon walks in wearing a lab coat.]
Snake: This is Otacon.
Joe: Ha! He's a dork! What the hell kinda name is "Otacon"?
Otacon: My real name's Hal. (The entire class laughs.) Hey! (upset) Snake, these students aren't very nice.
Snake: You little brats better shut up before I set off another stun grenade!
[Everyone is quiet once again.]
Otacon: Thank you, Snake. You make a good teacher.
Snake: (offended) Shut up.
Otacon: Anyway, students, you all have computers at you desk. To access them, face them and press the [action button].
[The students look around them confused. Several of them study the keyboard.]
Jennifer: Action button?
[A few boys stick their hand down their pants.]
Kevin: I love that button.
Otacon: No! On your controllers! (The class is still confused.) Don't tell me you don't know what a controller is!
Snake: I told you they weren't that bright.
Chris: Hey! I think you just have to press this power switch on the side.
[He presses it and his computer turns on.]
Otacon: Hmm.I suppose that could work.
After class.
[Heather and Emily, henceforth known as Airhead 1 and Airhead 2, walk down the hall.]
Airhead 1: I know! Bret was all over Jamie at the party when Emma was gone.
Airhead 2: Yeah, but he's dating Emma! I think I should tell her.
Airhead 1: Yeah. Hold on, I need to stop and get something out of my locker. (She opens her locker) AHHHHHH!
Airhead 2: What's wrong?
Airhead 1: There's a man in my locker!
[Solid Snake is squeezed inside the tiny locker, sweating.]
Snake: Um, could you please close the door. (He pauses for a moment.) Oh, by the way, I think you should totally tell Emma about Bret and Jamie. He's a dirt bag for cheating on her.
[The two airheads look at each other in disbelief.]
Aihead 2: Uhh.
[Grey Fox suddenly appears next to them.]
Airhead 1: AHHH!
Fox: (ignoring the girls) No way! I was there. Jamie was coming onto Bret. He's a teenage boy. There was nothing he could do! There's no way he could've resisted.
Snake: Ha! You're just saying that because you were a pimp in high school!
Fox: At least I got laid!
Snake: (offended) You know I had a long distance relationship with someone else! I was loyal!
Fox: You two hadn't talked in three years! It was over!
Snake: (crying) She said she'd call! I waited and waited.
Airhead 2: Uh, maybe we should go.
That was day one of Snake's new teaching career. I'll write some more. It will last until Snake gets fired or arrested. Whichever comes first.