Title: What You Tell Yourself To Make It Through

By: blaineandsamevanderson (SageK on , kaitlia777 on LJ and AO3)

Paring: Blaine/Sam

Rating: R for topic

Warnings/Tags: Discussion of child molestation and unwanted sexual touching of a minor

Summary: Something about Sam's reaction to Ryder's secret in 4x20 didn't sit right with me, so I wrote this.

Notes: Sorry for any typos. My transcription software doesn't always understand what I say and I don't always catch the mistakes. I have trouble typing things by hand since I suffered an injury last year to my right hand and it seizes up if I try to do too much.

"Hey, Blaine…You awake?"

Opening his eyes in the darkness, Blaine smiled. He and Sam had only turned the TV off 5 minutes earlier, after an evening full of superhero movies. "I am."

He heard shifting and he could tell Sam was uncomfortable about something. "Do you think…What Ryder was talking about…I mean, what happened to him…."

Oh. Blaine had been trying to think up a way to broach this topic, as Sam's reaction to Ryder's confession had seemed vastly out of character. "Let me see if I understand," Blaine began. "You think that because Ryder likes girls, even at such a young age, he should have been excited for an older girl to touch him?"

Sam hesitated. "Yeah?"

He sounded far less certain than he had in the choir room.

"And what if an older boy had touched me when I was little? I like men, so…," He said, trying to help Sam see that things were the same regardless of whether the assailant was male or female.

"Shit," Sam hissed and Blaine knew he'd gotten his point across. "I'm gonna apologize for being an ass the next time I see him."

"That would be good," Blaine agreed, feeling relieved that Sam understood now.

Then his relief vanished.

"Do you think that only applies to little boys?"

Feeling an unpleasant sense of dread, Blaine rolled over to face Sam. "No. It can happen to anyone. Children, adults…teenagers."

Shuddering breath seemed so loud in the quiet darkness. "It's stupid for me to be upset about it. I mean, I love to touch people and be touched, but I… The other guys at the club said I should like it, that it was one of the perks of the job."

As far as Blaine knew, no one had ever really pressed Sam for details of his time working at a strip club in Kentucky and, when Sam mentioned the place, it was with smiling bravado... But Blaine knew Sam's beautiful smile could be used to cover a lot of hurt.

"There were regulars we were supposed to keep happy and they were just…lap dances were the worst. They weren't supposed to touch us, but they did and the things they'd say…I was supposed to like it, supposed to get turned on, but…."

His voice shook and trailed off and Blaine's heart hurt. This explained his reaction. Sam had obviously internalized the idea that straight boys were supposed to like any attention from women, regardless of the context and repressed his own sense of violation as a coping mechanism.

"Sam," he breathed, tentatively placing a hand between his shoulder blades, "I'm sorry that happened to you."

Rolling, Sam shifted to face Blaine, and quirked up the corner of his mouth in a tremulous smile. "The only regular I liked was a guy. He'd just kind of stroke my side and tell me I was lovely, but that was okay. He was nice about it and didn't treat me like I was…for sale just because of my job. The bouncers always watched the dudes like they were expecting them to be trouble, but it was the women…."

"They took advantage of the double standard," Blaine agreed as Sam wiggled closer, seeking comfort. Carefully, Blaine wrapped an arm around his broad shoulders and hugged his friend. Now he knew why his thoughtless, angry (not really angry at Sam) comment last year had riled him so.

"I just… I could've stopped them, physically, but I would've lost my job and I couldn't…So I just told myself I should just man up and like it…."

"Being a man means accepting the truth of things," Blaine murmured, letting Sam press their foreheads together. "Acknowledging what happened the strength and you're one of the strongest people I know… And I don't mean physically, though you are very strong."

"I don't feel strong," Sam replied in a whisper. "Sometimes I just can't deal and Evan helps."

Evan been around less this week, but was still there. Sighing, Blaine patted Sam's back. "How about this… You just relax for a while and I'll be strong for you. That's what best friends do. We help each other, support each other."

Fingers tightening in the fabric of Blaine's shirt, Sam nodded. "Okay."

Then he fell silent, simply clinging to Blaine, who continued rubbing his back.

This newest revelation just added to the mental tally plane was keeping of Sam's issues that needed to be monitored lest another calendar style (or worse) meltdown occur. He knew Sam kept an equally close eye on him, worried about another slide into depression like he'd had last fall.

In the moment, in the dark, Blaine could hold Sam and drive back the demons. Sam could sleep, troubled mind trusting Blaine to protect him, even from his own inner turmoil.

They took care of each other.

They trust each other.

They were far from perfect, as flawed and broken as anyone, but having someone there who you knew would always have your back... It helped.

Sam's breathing slowed as he drifted off to sleep and Blaine soon followed, low by the steady heartbeat against his own chest and the gentle, sleepy sighs of peaceful dreams.

End Note: Though I know the writers were using Sam and Artie's reactions to show how many teen boys probably would react, I thought it was grossly out of character, especially for Sam. Had Finn and Puck been around, I would've had a much easier time believing this would have been their reaction. Many boys do not understand that women can be assailants just as men can and that boys can be victims.

I'm a survivor. I was 12 and he was a family friend (19). If he had been a woman, I'm sure the outrage on my behalf would have still been there, but, had I been a boy and he a woman, I can't be certain how some of my cousins would have reacted. As it was, four of the boys (ages 16 &17) tracked him down, beat the crap out of him and delivered him to the cops. But I was their sweet little baby cousin and he was the guy who hurt me…If our sexes were reversed, I can't say they wouldn't have reacted as the writers wrote Sam and Artie.

Society as a whole expects boys to want sex and pursue it from a very young age, while girls are expected to deny (or simply not have) sex drives. Therefore, it's easier for people to think of girls as victims and boys as willing participants.

Honestly, willing or not, it's sexual assault of a minor or outright rape and it's repugnant. Glee, you should really stop trying to handle storylines like that if you're going to be so clumsy about it.