The Unbearable Lightness of Want

A/N: AWM wants to make a descent into angst, fine. I'll go with him. Post-Ep for Squab & Quail.

Disclaimer: Don't own em. Don't think I would want to, at least until the last five minutes of the finale.

"Where are we going?"

Kate's question rings in my ears as I walk into the bedroom. It really took a lot of work to get everything set up in here, and I'm pretty sure it's all going to be for nothing. I turn, and as expected, I see that Kate isn't following me. She's just standing in the study, arms crossed.

My energy deflates from under me. I give up on the massage and turn back to her.

"That wasn't what I meant," she says.

"I know."

"So you were, what? Going to avoid the question?"

I shrug. "For a bit, yeah."

"Until?"

"Until we were in a better mood. After a massage and sex and whatever." It has been a rough few days, and I know that I haven't been at my best. Kate hasn't either, but that's no excuse for my behavior. But I want us to get some time between Vaughn and this discussion, since I can't see it coming to any good in our current state.

She huffs and puts distance between us. I can feel all the walls coming up around her. "It's not a question we can avoid forever, Castle."

"Who says I'm avoiding it?" I can already feel my hackles rising. Since when have I been the one unwilling to address what goes on between us?

"You did, just now."

"For a few minutes, Kate."

"Right."

There's something in the way she says it that pisses me off. "Yes, right. I'm not the one who constantly avoids the question."

"Me? I'm the one? I. Just. Asked. I'm the one that always asks. Why is that?"

"Because that's the role you chose!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

I walk around, just to move. This woman can be so damned infuriating, and not in a good way. Something about her, in this mood, makes me less articulate than normal.

"It means you lead and I follow. I just wait and wait, until you decide we're ready for something."

"That's so..."

"That's exactly so," I say. I know interrupting isn't smart, but I really can't fucking care right now. "It is. I wait years for you to notice me. And then I have to wait months just to get you to talk to me. And then I have to wait a year before you're ready to be with me. And now I've been sitting here, waiting to see if you'll ever be serious about us."

"I'm not serious? That's rich, Castle. I'm not the one ducking the question."

"No, you're just the one that's spent the week weighing her options."

"See? How can we be serious if you don't even trust me?!" She spits it out, and for a second I want to stop, just stop, because it's all starting to hurt. But it's also all coming up and I don't think we can stop, anymore, not without doing even more damage.

"It's not about trust, Kate."

"Yes it is! I told you I'm not going to cheat on you!"

"I don't think you're going to cheat on me. I know better than that, Kate. But you might trade me in for a better model."

"Well why not? At least he seems to think I'm worth his attention."

"That's what I thought."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It's never going to be enough, is it, Kate? Years of standing by your side, fighting your fights with you. Going up against Coonan, against Bracken. Being here for you, for whatever you need, for loving you and asking for nothing in return, for years... and it doesn't matter one damned bit because I played a video game one night and you met a billionaire."

"Castle..."

"Maybe you need to go. I'm tired of sitting here, waiting for you to decide what you want, and then blaming that on me."

I turn and go to the bedroom. I wish I hadn't set all the candles out... it makes it too dangerous to slam the door. It doesn't matter though. Kate slams the front door on her way out anyway.

Three hours later, I'm sitting in Kate's hallway, trying to muster up the courage to go to her door. Any anger I felt disappeared about twenty minutes after she left. About twenty minutes after that I was out the door, walking to her place, hoping that the twenty blocks would cool my head enough to figure out how to fix this.

It cooled my head.

It didn't make me smart.

I get up and knock on the door anyway.

She's also cooler, I can tell, when she comes to the door. But she's still angry. Fine. I'm still angry too.

"You kicked me out and then you can't leave me in peace?"

"Meredith cheated on me," I say. It's one of a dozen things I've been thinking to open with, and now, with her in front of me, it seems to be the thing my subconscious has chosen to lead with.

"That's not an excuse."

"No, it's not," I say, and she moves aside, just a bit, just enough to let me in. I suspect it's more a desire not to fight in the halls than anything else.

"It's not an excuse," I say again, when I get to the living area, "Just a ..." I shrug. I can't find the words. "It was about 3 months after Alexis was born. We'd been together about a year, married about six months."

"Still, Castle. I'm not Meredith."

"Gina cheated too. We lasted two years. If I'd called her on it, that probably would have been the end, but I hid that I knew, and we lasted a few more years."

"Castle... I'm sorry, I didn't know. But I'm not Gina, either. And I'm sorry, but you can't punish me for their mistakes."

"I'm not, Kate. At least, I'm not trying to. That's not what I meant," I say. I flop down on the couch. She remains standing in the middle of the room, arms clenched. "I said it and I meant it - I don't think you'd ever cheat on me. It's not who you are. But, I'm not even sure I blame Meredith or Gina, even. Kate, this is the longest, best relationship I've ever been in, and I'm a serious as you want. I'd get down on a knee and propose right now, if that's what I thought you wanted ... but what if this is all I'm good at?"

She shakes her head for a few seconds, and looks away from me. Finally, just when I'm ready to fill the air with ramblings, she speaks.

"You think Meredith and Gina cheated on you because you're bad at being in a relationship?"

That's one way to sum it up, I guess. It doesn't feel exactly right, but it's close enough for my aching head. I shrug in agreement.

Kate shakes her head and says something under her breath. A swear, I guess, but she comes over and sits next to me anyway.

"You're an idiot."

"Probably."

"Castle... this year. It's been the best year of my life. And that's because of you, because of us."

I shouldn't say it, but I do. "I hear a but in there..."

Kate blows out a sigh. "Vaughn told me I'm exceptional."

"Because you are. I tell you that, all the time."

"I know," she says, staring at her fingers. She fiddles with them in the way that she does, the way that I like. Whenever she fiddles, a wall comes down. "And I hear it, I do. But Vaughn is... he's done great things, Castle. Amazing things. And despite what you think, I wasn't comparing the two of you. I was comparing him to me."

"I don't ..." I say, and shake my head. I want to reach out and touch her, but it doesn't feel like time, yet.

"He listed all these things I've done. And all I could help but think was that I did all of them so I could get in a particular position... so I could be a detective and solve my mother's murder. And I've done that ... we've done that. And yet, it doesn't matter, since it all leads to an untouchable Senator."

"You still know, Kate. And someday, we'll find a way to get Bracken."

"Maybe. But ... does that make anything better? Does it make me happier?"

"I don't know."

"And in the meantime, what am I? A detective. Is that ... is that enough? If someone like Vaughn thinks I can be amazing... am I just coasting?"

I finally see, I think. "Because you're happy, you don't think you're pushing yourself the way you did when you had a cause. You're worried about if being happy is enough."

She shrugs, the same shrug I did a few minutes ago. It's not exactly right, but it's right enough for one o'clock in the morning after a long week and a bad fight. It's right enough for now.

"Kate... you're a great detective, one who's brought a lot of justice and a lot of peace to this world. And, if you'd become a lawyer, you would have been a great one. Hell, if you quit and became a ...a ... hairdresser, you'd be an amazing one. Vaughn can see that, I can see that. Everyone can see that, because it just shines out of you."

"Thanks," she says, and leans her head against me.

"Were we ... were we even fighting about us?"

Kate looks off into her kitchen, but she doesn't move away from me. "No... I guess not. I do want an answer to my question though."

"I'm in this as long as you want, whatever you want."

"I don't know what I want," she says, and it feels like my heart stops.

"Except you," she says, finally.

And I can breathe again. "That's enough for me."

"Since I lost out on that massage, I was thinking there is one thing I'd like for you to do."

I smile for the first time in hours. "In there?" I ask, cocking my head towards the bedroom.

"Well, actually, I keep the XBox out here, but..."

I laugh and press her down against the couch. She lets me. I wonder, to myself, if we can't show the universe how amazing we both are, together.