Author: lionssmile
Email: [email protected]
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine they belong to Joss and Co. Bet you already knew that.
Characters: This is mostly about Spike so he is central but just about everyone else is in this to. Summary: I know this is old stuff but what can I say? Have you every wondered what happens between episodes? Well I always wondered how they got Spike to go into the Bathtub in-between Pangs and Something Blue. This is something that I didn't think would have been easy for them to accomplish. So this started out just to answer that question. Somehow the story took on a life of it's own and I went farther than that. Since Season 4 had suggestions of S/W and S/B there is a little of both in this too. Rating: R-mostly for language but since it's not finished yet who knows.
Spoilers: Season 4
Author's note: I tried to stay within the confines of the show and the characters so the plot is limited to what came before and what came after. Hopefully you'll think it's fun though. Distribution: Distribute to your hearts content but please keep my e-mail on it and let me know what sites if any you post it on.
Feedback: I'm only posting the first 2 chapters right now so if you like it and want more you are going to have to let me know. This is my first attempt at writing fanfic so I'm a little nervous about putting it out there for the world to see. There is a lot more but I kind of would like to know how it's being received first. If you don't like it you can let me know that as well and please tell me what you don't like.
Chapter one: What To Do With Him
Xander, Anya and Willow are standing by Giles' door preparing to leave. Giles is standing close to them with his hands full of containers of leftovers that he is trying to give out to the guys that are leaving.
"You'll thank me tomorrow when you're hungry again." Giles says as he hands Willow a big Tupperware container. She nearly drops the load of books she is caring. "
"Thanks Giles I know I will be more appreciative when the thought of more food doesn't remind me of a balloon exploding." Willow says as she attempts to juggle the container to the top of her pile.
Buffy comes up behind Giles with a half eaten pie. "What.you're not taking any pie home? You need pie it's good for you." Buffy says to Xander and Anya. Xander and Anya already have there hands full with leftovers.
Xander looks exasperated as he tells Buffy, "I don't even have a fridge in the basement Buffy all this is just going to go bad."
"Better it goes bad in his basement than in my kitchen." Giles mumbles under his breath.
Buffy ignores Xander and hands Anya the pie with a big smile on her face. "Enjoy!" she says in her most pleasant voice.
"OK I have to go now before I decide to sleep on Giles couch. And you know how uncomfortable that would be." Willow says.
Giles is offended. "I beg your pardon.I have you know that couch is considered to be very comfortable."
"Yeah by Sluray demons and they normally sleep on a beds of nails." Anya says, half interested.
Giles starts to get blustered but Buffy interrupts. "Good night guys and thanks for all your help tonight."
Willow and Anya head out the door but Xander pauses for a moment. "Dinner was great Buffy and it just goes to show you that you can be great at anything you put your mind to."
"Thanks Xander." Buffy gives him a smile and then gently shoves him out the door. "GOOD NIGHT."
"Good night." Giles adds as he shuts the door. He follows Buffy into the living area and they both flop on the couch. "I feel so tired I think I could sleep for a year." Buffy says as she reclines back on the couch. Not a terrible comfortable thing to do she realizes.
"Well I can't imagine why Buffy. You fought a powerful Indian spirit and cooked all day. that's enough to wear most people out." Giles says proudly to his slayer.
"That's true but I just thought it was all the turkey I ate."
"Yes well that might have had something to do with it. The tryptophan in turkey is said to make one sleepy but actually it is the quantity of food and not the tryptophan that has the sedating affect. You see digestion." Giles is rambling on like a schoolteacher but Buffy doesn't feel like listening.
Buffy roll her eyes and interrupts him before this goes too far. "Well if I'm going to get that kitchen cleaned I'd better start now while I'm still conscious..I do a better job that way." She makes no move to rise off the couch.
"No don't worry about the kitchen tonight Buffy I'll clean it in the morning. Besides you did all the cooking it's only fair."
"Are you sure?" Buffy says with an innocent grin. Hoping that Giles didn't see how glad she was at him offering to do the clean up.
"Yes go. Go NOW. Get some sleep you deserve a good nights rest." Giles smiles at her and pats her on her shoulder.
"What about me? Are you going to leave me in this bloody chair all night?", Spike asks.
Buffy and Giles both jump at his voice. He had been so quite they had forgotten he was there. They both look at the blond vampire that was still tied tightly to the chair by the dinner table. Buffy tries to cover up that she had forgotten that he was there. "I've been thinking about that and I think he's right Giles. We really shouldn't leave him tied to the chair."
Spike let a small smile of triumph cross his face. His plan had worked. He had been trying hard to behave himself. He wanted them to trust him enough to let him out of the sodden chair. He hadn't said a word in over an hour. There were times when he didn't trust his mouth not to get him into trouble and this was one of them. An hour of listening to their inane prattle without saying a word was as much self inflicted torture as he could take. He wanted out of the chair even if it meant lowering himself to begging. Ok not begging, more likely threatening, which he knew wouldn't get him untied. And that was why he had kept his mouth shut.
"I don't know Buffy. I am a little uncomfortable sleeping in a house where a vampire is running around loose.", Giles said. Spike grumbled under his breath at the watcher and glared at him. "I told you I'm safe I can't bite anything.", Spike said hopefully, looking back and forth between the watcher and the slayer.
Buffy looked at Spike but spoke to Giles. "I didn't mean letting him go Giles I just meant we should move him to some place more secure than that chair." "What do you think we should do with him?", Buffy asked Giles as they moved to stand in front of him. Spike sighed and rolled his eyes in frustration. She had no intention of untying him. He had suffered in silence for nothing. 'Well at least I didn't provoke them into staking me.', he thought. That was, for some reason, of little consolation to him at the moment with both of them standing over him. They were looking at him like he was a dangerous dog that needed to be taken to the vet. That's it he was tired of being Mr. Nice guy. "How about you let me go and we pretend that I never dropped by. Your hospitality isn't exactly what I was expecting."
"And just what kind of hospitality were you expecting Spike?", Buffy asked. "Just two days ago you tried to kill my best friend and would have tried to kill me if I had been there. Did you really think I would just say come on in Spike, lets have a cup of tea and a nice chat over old times?" She said with a faked friendliness. "You know all those old times where you tried to kill me or my friends." She added with her voice growing colder. Spike had a way of making her furious in a way that few others if any could. 'Why do I let him piss me off so much', she wondered. "And another thing.you're not going anywhere till you give us the information you claim to have."
"Claim! You think I would come here and claim to have information you need? Yes.because it is so pleasurable being tied up in your company."
Buffy smirked at his choice of words and Spike suddenly embarrassed looked away from her, while Giles turned his head and pretended he didn't hear anything.
"Enough Spike!" Buffy said firmly. "This is not up for discussion and if you insist on continuing this way you may well find your self in a worst position than you are now. And THAT most certainly would entail you being gagged." Buffy turned to Giles. "Giles do you have any form of restraints other than rope? He may eventually work his way out of those."
"I don't think.." Giles thought for a moment. "Wait! I might have just the thing. That is if I can remember where I put them." Giles turned and started up the stairs to his loft. Buffy and Spike watched him go. When they heard him rummaging through things up there they looked at each other.
"Buffy this isn't." Spike started but was interrupted by Buffy with an impatient sigh, "Spike I have had a long day and I really don't feel like putting up with your nonsense right now. If you know what's good for you, you'll be quiet and let us get you settled. I just want to go home and get some sleep. As tired as I am right now I might just think sleep is more important than any info you might have and just decide to stake you." To emphasize what she meant she poke him with her finger right over his heart. She didn't think that she could kill Spike at least not while he was tied up and unable to defend himself. But she didn't have to let him know that. Besides it was Spike. As much as she despised him she sometimes enjoyed the times when they slung barbs, and fists for that matter, at each other. He ignited some hidden passion in her. Not sexual passion mind you but when he was around she always felt somehow more energized. 'Eww', she thought, 'I really must be tired to let my thoughts wander like that.' She looked at him and he was glaring at her but he said nothing. Maybe he was learning.
'Why didn't I kill her when I had the chance?', Spike thought as he glared at her. 'I've killed two slayers and many demons that thought they were stronger than I. Why couldn't I kill this one girl? She loves to make my life a misery. My misery is her entertainment. She is standing there gloating because she has power over me. Even worse it's turning me on. Turned on by the slayer I must really be losing it.'
'I don't really think that she would kill me. Part of me obviously trusts her or I wouldn't have come to her for help. That or the lack of food and sleep are making me delusional. That's it I should have killed her when I had the chance. Then I wouldn't have come back to this God forsaken Sunny Hell. Bloody pillock is what I am.'
They both turned to look at Giles as he came back down the stairs carrying a bunch of chains. "Here I found them." Giles said as he handed them to Buffy.
Spike eyed the chains and realized that the minute they put those on him there wasn't going to be much of a chance to escape. Not a pleasant thought but he was getting resigned to the idea. That shouldn't stop him from having some fun though. "So why exactly do you have those Rupert," Spike said indicating the chains with his head, "and why do you keep them in your bedroom?" He said in his most suggestive voice as he raised an eyebrow at Giles.
"Oh very funny Spike. It happens that in mine line of work chains are necessary from time to time. Like now for instance." Giles said trying to sound dignified.
"These should work Giles but where are we going to put him? You don't really have anything in here that we can attach him to." Buffy said as she looked around the room.
"Well nothing that I would like to see get destroyed by our friend Spike here." Giles said pointing his thumb at Spike. "We could put him in my bathtub. I don't think he could do any damage in there."
"Put me in your bathtub! I don't think so!" Spike shouted indignantly.
"You don't have a choice Spike." Buffy said quickly with just a glance in his direction. "That sounds like a capital plan Giles. If you would get a crossbow I think we should get baby tucked in for the night." Spike decided that now would be a good time to sulk so he slumped against the ropes holding him to the chair and drooped his head forward. If they were going to treat him like a baby he could act like one.
Giles went over to his weapons chest and pulled out a crossbow and brought it back and pointed it at Spike's chest. Spike glanced glumly up at him and the crossbow without raising his head. "I think we're ready Buffy." Giles said.
Buffy stood in front of Spike. "Are you going to cooperate Spike?" Buffy asked impatiently.
"I don't want to go in the bathtub." Spike said almost whining and still not raising his head.
"Spike you are pushing it!" Buffy knelt down to start untying his feet. 'Why do I even bother she wondered. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.'
Spike was getting angrier ever second-at himself for coming to them and at them for tying him up.
"Are you going to cooperate or not?", Buffy asked as she was loosening the ropes tying Spike's feet to the chair. When he didn't respond Buffy looked up at him and noticed his stubborn expression. His jaw was clinched tight and there was an angry gleam in his eye. "Spike?!", she asked a bit more than annoyed.
"I don't want to be put in the bathtub!", Spike said sounding like a ten year old who was being sent to his room unjustly. He gave Giles and the crossbow a quick glance to make sure that he wasn't goading the watcher into to shooting him. But Giles was looking at Buffy and didn't seem to be all that concerned about any of it. Maybe a little annoyed but definitely not concerned enough to shoot him.
"It's not your choice! You are going into the tub whether you want to or not. If you don't cooperate I'll just knock you out and carry you.", Buffy said as she finished untying his feet. Buffy stood and glared down at him. She was way too tired to be putting up with Spike's shit.
Spike stretched his legs out in front of him but said nothing and looked away from her. The thought of her carrying him almost made him relent but his stubbornness won over his pride. He knew this was no way to convince her that he didn't need to be chained but he just couldn't help himself. The bitch slayer brought out the worst in him. Well maybe not the worst but that depended on your definition of worst. And besides he did so love to make her miserable and angry. When he saw her get angry it filled him with an insane glee. Why he liked to do this he couldn't even explain to himself and he did worry that one day he was going to push her too far and she would stake him but it was just too much fun to resist. He could see her out of the corner of his eye crossing her arms. Any minute now and she was going to be tapping her foot. What the bloody hell did she expect-that he would jump at the chance to be chained in a tub. His stomach chose that moment to growl quite noisily.
Buffy heard Spike's stomach growl and it gave her an idea. "Are you hungry Spike?"
"I'm starving, luv. You know that." He looked up at her hungrily and hopefully.
"Fine, then you cooperate and we will feed you as soon as we get you settled in. If you don't cooperate who knows when you'll eat again." She looked him in the eye and he knew that she meant it.
Pride and stubbornness aside, he was hungry. His need to feed was the worst that he had felt in nearly a hundred years. Spike shrugged, well tried to shrug as best he could with his arms tied at his side. "Fine you win pet. If it gets me fed sometime today I'll play Mr Nice for you."
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine they belong to Joss and Co. Bet you already knew that.
Characters: This is mostly about Spike so he is central but just about everyone else is in this to. Summary: I know this is old stuff but what can I say? Have you every wondered what happens between episodes? Well I always wondered how they got Spike to go into the Bathtub in-between Pangs and Something Blue. This is something that I didn't think would have been easy for them to accomplish. So this started out just to answer that question. Somehow the story took on a life of it's own and I went farther than that. Since Season 4 had suggestions of S/W and S/B there is a little of both in this too. Rating: R-mostly for language but since it's not finished yet who knows.
Spoilers: Season 4
Author's note: I tried to stay within the confines of the show and the characters so the plot is limited to what came before and what came after. Hopefully you'll think it's fun though. Distribution: Distribute to your hearts content but please keep my e-mail on it and let me know what sites if any you post it on.
Feedback: I'm only posting the first 2 chapters right now so if you like it and want more you are going to have to let me know. This is my first attempt at writing fanfic so I'm a little nervous about putting it out there for the world to see. There is a lot more but I kind of would like to know how it's being received first. If you don't like it you can let me know that as well and please tell me what you don't like.
Chapter one: What To Do With Him
Xander, Anya and Willow are standing by Giles' door preparing to leave. Giles is standing close to them with his hands full of containers of leftovers that he is trying to give out to the guys that are leaving.
"You'll thank me tomorrow when you're hungry again." Giles says as he hands Willow a big Tupperware container. She nearly drops the load of books she is caring. "
"Thanks Giles I know I will be more appreciative when the thought of more food doesn't remind me of a balloon exploding." Willow says as she attempts to juggle the container to the top of her pile.
Buffy comes up behind Giles with a half eaten pie. "What.you're not taking any pie home? You need pie it's good for you." Buffy says to Xander and Anya. Xander and Anya already have there hands full with leftovers.
Xander looks exasperated as he tells Buffy, "I don't even have a fridge in the basement Buffy all this is just going to go bad."
"Better it goes bad in his basement than in my kitchen." Giles mumbles under his breath.
Buffy ignores Xander and hands Anya the pie with a big smile on her face. "Enjoy!" she says in her most pleasant voice.
"OK I have to go now before I decide to sleep on Giles couch. And you know how uncomfortable that would be." Willow says.
Giles is offended. "I beg your pardon.I have you know that couch is considered to be very comfortable."
"Yeah by Sluray demons and they normally sleep on a beds of nails." Anya says, half interested.
Giles starts to get blustered but Buffy interrupts. "Good night guys and thanks for all your help tonight."
Willow and Anya head out the door but Xander pauses for a moment. "Dinner was great Buffy and it just goes to show you that you can be great at anything you put your mind to."
"Thanks Xander." Buffy gives him a smile and then gently shoves him out the door. "GOOD NIGHT."
"Good night." Giles adds as he shuts the door. He follows Buffy into the living area and they both flop on the couch. "I feel so tired I think I could sleep for a year." Buffy says as she reclines back on the couch. Not a terrible comfortable thing to do she realizes.
"Well I can't imagine why Buffy. You fought a powerful Indian spirit and cooked all day. that's enough to wear most people out." Giles says proudly to his slayer.
"That's true but I just thought it was all the turkey I ate."
"Yes well that might have had something to do with it. The tryptophan in turkey is said to make one sleepy but actually it is the quantity of food and not the tryptophan that has the sedating affect. You see digestion." Giles is rambling on like a schoolteacher but Buffy doesn't feel like listening.
Buffy roll her eyes and interrupts him before this goes too far. "Well if I'm going to get that kitchen cleaned I'd better start now while I'm still conscious..I do a better job that way." She makes no move to rise off the couch.
"No don't worry about the kitchen tonight Buffy I'll clean it in the morning. Besides you did all the cooking it's only fair."
"Are you sure?" Buffy says with an innocent grin. Hoping that Giles didn't see how glad she was at him offering to do the clean up.
"Yes go. Go NOW. Get some sleep you deserve a good nights rest." Giles smiles at her and pats her on her shoulder.
"What about me? Are you going to leave me in this bloody chair all night?", Spike asks.
Buffy and Giles both jump at his voice. He had been so quite they had forgotten he was there. They both look at the blond vampire that was still tied tightly to the chair by the dinner table. Buffy tries to cover up that she had forgotten that he was there. "I've been thinking about that and I think he's right Giles. We really shouldn't leave him tied to the chair."
Spike let a small smile of triumph cross his face. His plan had worked. He had been trying hard to behave himself. He wanted them to trust him enough to let him out of the sodden chair. He hadn't said a word in over an hour. There were times when he didn't trust his mouth not to get him into trouble and this was one of them. An hour of listening to their inane prattle without saying a word was as much self inflicted torture as he could take. He wanted out of the chair even if it meant lowering himself to begging. Ok not begging, more likely threatening, which he knew wouldn't get him untied. And that was why he had kept his mouth shut.
"I don't know Buffy. I am a little uncomfortable sleeping in a house where a vampire is running around loose.", Giles said. Spike grumbled under his breath at the watcher and glared at him. "I told you I'm safe I can't bite anything.", Spike said hopefully, looking back and forth between the watcher and the slayer.
Buffy looked at Spike but spoke to Giles. "I didn't mean letting him go Giles I just meant we should move him to some place more secure than that chair." "What do you think we should do with him?", Buffy asked Giles as they moved to stand in front of him. Spike sighed and rolled his eyes in frustration. She had no intention of untying him. He had suffered in silence for nothing. 'Well at least I didn't provoke them into staking me.', he thought. That was, for some reason, of little consolation to him at the moment with both of them standing over him. They were looking at him like he was a dangerous dog that needed to be taken to the vet. That's it he was tired of being Mr. Nice guy. "How about you let me go and we pretend that I never dropped by. Your hospitality isn't exactly what I was expecting."
"And just what kind of hospitality were you expecting Spike?", Buffy asked. "Just two days ago you tried to kill my best friend and would have tried to kill me if I had been there. Did you really think I would just say come on in Spike, lets have a cup of tea and a nice chat over old times?" She said with a faked friendliness. "You know all those old times where you tried to kill me or my friends." She added with her voice growing colder. Spike had a way of making her furious in a way that few others if any could. 'Why do I let him piss me off so much', she wondered. "And another thing.you're not going anywhere till you give us the information you claim to have."
"Claim! You think I would come here and claim to have information you need? Yes.because it is so pleasurable being tied up in your company."
Buffy smirked at his choice of words and Spike suddenly embarrassed looked away from her, while Giles turned his head and pretended he didn't hear anything.
"Enough Spike!" Buffy said firmly. "This is not up for discussion and if you insist on continuing this way you may well find your self in a worst position than you are now. And THAT most certainly would entail you being gagged." Buffy turned to Giles. "Giles do you have any form of restraints other than rope? He may eventually work his way out of those."
"I don't think.." Giles thought for a moment. "Wait! I might have just the thing. That is if I can remember where I put them." Giles turned and started up the stairs to his loft. Buffy and Spike watched him go. When they heard him rummaging through things up there they looked at each other.
"Buffy this isn't." Spike started but was interrupted by Buffy with an impatient sigh, "Spike I have had a long day and I really don't feel like putting up with your nonsense right now. If you know what's good for you, you'll be quiet and let us get you settled. I just want to go home and get some sleep. As tired as I am right now I might just think sleep is more important than any info you might have and just decide to stake you." To emphasize what she meant she poke him with her finger right over his heart. She didn't think that she could kill Spike at least not while he was tied up and unable to defend himself. But she didn't have to let him know that. Besides it was Spike. As much as she despised him she sometimes enjoyed the times when they slung barbs, and fists for that matter, at each other. He ignited some hidden passion in her. Not sexual passion mind you but when he was around she always felt somehow more energized. 'Eww', she thought, 'I really must be tired to let my thoughts wander like that.' She looked at him and he was glaring at her but he said nothing. Maybe he was learning.
'Why didn't I kill her when I had the chance?', Spike thought as he glared at her. 'I've killed two slayers and many demons that thought they were stronger than I. Why couldn't I kill this one girl? She loves to make my life a misery. My misery is her entertainment. She is standing there gloating because she has power over me. Even worse it's turning me on. Turned on by the slayer I must really be losing it.'
'I don't really think that she would kill me. Part of me obviously trusts her or I wouldn't have come to her for help. That or the lack of food and sleep are making me delusional. That's it I should have killed her when I had the chance. Then I wouldn't have come back to this God forsaken Sunny Hell. Bloody pillock is what I am.'
They both turned to look at Giles as he came back down the stairs carrying a bunch of chains. "Here I found them." Giles said as he handed them to Buffy.
Spike eyed the chains and realized that the minute they put those on him there wasn't going to be much of a chance to escape. Not a pleasant thought but he was getting resigned to the idea. That shouldn't stop him from having some fun though. "So why exactly do you have those Rupert," Spike said indicating the chains with his head, "and why do you keep them in your bedroom?" He said in his most suggestive voice as he raised an eyebrow at Giles.
"Oh very funny Spike. It happens that in mine line of work chains are necessary from time to time. Like now for instance." Giles said trying to sound dignified.
"These should work Giles but where are we going to put him? You don't really have anything in here that we can attach him to." Buffy said as she looked around the room.
"Well nothing that I would like to see get destroyed by our friend Spike here." Giles said pointing his thumb at Spike. "We could put him in my bathtub. I don't think he could do any damage in there."
"Put me in your bathtub! I don't think so!" Spike shouted indignantly.
"You don't have a choice Spike." Buffy said quickly with just a glance in his direction. "That sounds like a capital plan Giles. If you would get a crossbow I think we should get baby tucked in for the night." Spike decided that now would be a good time to sulk so he slumped against the ropes holding him to the chair and drooped his head forward. If they were going to treat him like a baby he could act like one.
Giles went over to his weapons chest and pulled out a crossbow and brought it back and pointed it at Spike's chest. Spike glanced glumly up at him and the crossbow without raising his head. "I think we're ready Buffy." Giles said.
Buffy stood in front of Spike. "Are you going to cooperate Spike?" Buffy asked impatiently.
"I don't want to go in the bathtub." Spike said almost whining and still not raising his head.
"Spike you are pushing it!" Buffy knelt down to start untying his feet. 'Why do I even bother she wondered. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.'
Spike was getting angrier ever second-at himself for coming to them and at them for tying him up.
"Are you going to cooperate or not?", Buffy asked as she was loosening the ropes tying Spike's feet to the chair. When he didn't respond Buffy looked up at him and noticed his stubborn expression. His jaw was clinched tight and there was an angry gleam in his eye. "Spike?!", she asked a bit more than annoyed.
"I don't want to be put in the bathtub!", Spike said sounding like a ten year old who was being sent to his room unjustly. He gave Giles and the crossbow a quick glance to make sure that he wasn't goading the watcher into to shooting him. But Giles was looking at Buffy and didn't seem to be all that concerned about any of it. Maybe a little annoyed but definitely not concerned enough to shoot him.
"It's not your choice! You are going into the tub whether you want to or not. If you don't cooperate I'll just knock you out and carry you.", Buffy said as she finished untying his feet. Buffy stood and glared down at him. She was way too tired to be putting up with Spike's shit.
Spike stretched his legs out in front of him but said nothing and looked away from her. The thought of her carrying him almost made him relent but his stubbornness won over his pride. He knew this was no way to convince her that he didn't need to be chained but he just couldn't help himself. The bitch slayer brought out the worst in him. Well maybe not the worst but that depended on your definition of worst. And besides he did so love to make her miserable and angry. When he saw her get angry it filled him with an insane glee. Why he liked to do this he couldn't even explain to himself and he did worry that one day he was going to push her too far and she would stake him but it was just too much fun to resist. He could see her out of the corner of his eye crossing her arms. Any minute now and she was going to be tapping her foot. What the bloody hell did she expect-that he would jump at the chance to be chained in a tub. His stomach chose that moment to growl quite noisily.
Buffy heard Spike's stomach growl and it gave her an idea. "Are you hungry Spike?"
"I'm starving, luv. You know that." He looked up at her hungrily and hopefully.
"Fine, then you cooperate and we will feed you as soon as we get you settled in. If you don't cooperate who knows when you'll eat again." She looked him in the eye and he knew that she meant it.
Pride and stubbornness aside, he was hungry. His need to feed was the worst that he had felt in nearly a hundred years. Spike shrugged, well tried to shrug as best he could with his arms tied at his side. "Fine you win pet. If it gets me fed sometime today I'll play Mr Nice for you."