Disclaimer: Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and (un)fortunately my name doesn't start with the letter H. Or M. I don't know, I'm not Japanese either.
Chances are peculiar things, aren't they?
Chances, choices, whatever you call them, they surround us everyday, ultimately playing a large role in our lives without us really giving them any second thought. Why is it that the greatest, most significant of things are always impossible to see until a little too late?
Then again, so is regret.
Regret comes later, and the sad, unchanging thing about it is that it is only there after they're gone. After we missed our chance. After we picked the wrong choice. And all that's left of us is a giant, cosmic hole that sucks everything up. With regret comes guilt. Maybe there was more we could've done. Maybe we missed something in the damn equation. Maybe we failed at something we were supposed to do.
Maybe it was our fault.
Unlike the other one, guilt decreases over time, but that doesn't make it any less heartbreakingly painful. It decreases, but it doesn't completely disappear. Because a tiny part of you will always remember that you could've done something, and you didn't. This one fact, you could travel the world and conquer the stars, and it would still eat you up slowly, pulverize your whole body from the inside. You could stand tall as deemed possible and monopolize any sort of interaction anyone even thought about, and it still wouldn't stop the nightmares.
You might start feeling okay one day, get over it, accept that they're gone and you can't do anything anymore. But then night comes. Then you'd start remembering everything about them from the moment you met, all the hellos and goodbyes, all the little things they did to show affection you've taken for granted or maybe never even realized, how they looked when they just woke up, bright and so absolutely magnificent that you didn't even notice the warm rays of sun already peeking in trough the cracks of your curtains, how they looked in the middle of the night when everyone's already fast asleep and it's just you and them and you couldn't help but reach in and brush the strands of their hair off their face to get a better look of their drowsy, peaceful, vulnerable expression, wondering how they managed to look simply perfect without literally batting an eyelash and how many others got the chance to see this side of them.
And so it's 2.57 AM and your mind is so cooped up and blank at the same time and your whole body is numb to the point that you can't feel your thumbs and you, everything about you is an absolute, desperate mess, but you cry anyway, not caring who could hear you, because that's all that's left that you can do and at this point who the hell cares anyway.
Because you know a part of you died already. An important part. Gone, and can't be taken back.
As a kid, I always had my mom telling me this, repeating it over and over again so that it would be stuck somewhere within my giant imagination land of a brain. She said this was important, that maybe it didn't make any sense right now but eventually I would connect the dots at some point or another. Back then, rather than thinking about that, I've always wondered why she kept making the face she did as she repeated the same, boring words.
The kid-me thought her expression was beautiful. It was really just one of a woman pitying her child for being so naïve and not being able to understand and possibly cope with the world, and at the same time, loving the fact that I was exactly like how she was as a child herself. Nevertheless, I thought of it as something slightly more problematic than that. I thought of it as a mixture of various expressions jumbled on one another so much that they form a foreign, depressing one. I thought of it as a completely rare, special, and yet, always predictable expression I couldn't even wish to the shooting starts to figure out.
Growing up, with the all the dramatic events and sorrowful departs surrounding me, I thought I understood this.
But I didn't, not really, not until reality was forced to choke it down my throat.
At first I thought he was dead, I really did.
Master was lying down on the pure white mattress, motionless, and maybe immovable, too. Bandages covered most of his body, and probably even more so without the blanket covering his lower half. It pained me to his tearful expression. He was supposed to be resting, and yet in the middle of his slumber, he worried about us.
"Master…You called us?" I whispered, touching his shoulders gently, carefully. I didn't want to hurt him, but I wasn't sure if there was any place I could touch him at where it wouldn't hurt. The Natsu who was standing beside me had his bangs covering his face, looking down. He probably didn't expect Master to be in such a terrible state. Seeing him gave me a sense of worry, especially because he was usually so up and at it all times, always keeping his head up in battles. But then I remembered Master was still in front of me, and he probably needed my worry more than Natsu did.
"Natsu… Lucy…" Master started, trying to sit up, but I touched his meek shoulders gently again, hoping the simple action would be enough reassurance that it was okay for him to stay down. Thankfully, it was, and Master decided to go trough with the offer. "We do not have many choices left. The only ones profitable enough to fight are Gray, Gajeel, Wendy, Juvia, Natsu, and Lucy. Each of them have been given their own specific task, but that's only half the reason I chose you two."
"The person who turned me like this… He goes by the name 'Baldy'." Master said. The name he said was ridiculous, and downright idiotic. I turned my head to see Natsu squinting his eyes, not even a slight hint of a grin at the mentioned name. I wanted to slap my face because how could I even think about ridiculing the person who hurt Master but instead turned my gaze downwards in somewhat guilt. "He has bald hair, and different-colored eyes…One green, and the other…Onyx. I'm sorry for this but I do not know what magic he uses. It's nothing like I've ever known... He's very powerful."
"But…If it's you two," Master lifted his head and stared at us. It was a look parents gave their most achieving, most successful children. A look teachers gave their absolute best pupil. A look commanders gave their next-in-command, the very person they knew they could trust. It was a look Master gave to each and every one of us, and yet, knowing this, my heart sank anyway. "You'll make it." He said simply, almost confidently, so much so that one might mistake the slight shiver in his voice for proudness.
"Wendy will show you where to find him." He said, and without any warning, closed his eyelids, signaling that it was okay for us to go.
A few months ago, Team Natsu accidentally stumbled into a tombstone in the middle of a mission. The tombstone was revealed to be a key to the revival of a certain dark guild; Death Lullaby. Since we were the ones to awaken them, it was inevitable that we cross each others' paths, and Master took it as our responsibility to send them back to wherever they came from.
Not much was known about Death Lullaby. It was an unknown dark guild which no one knew originated from, and yet it was what made it all the more scarier. We took necessary precautions, from researching to eventually going over there ourselves. Since the members of Fairy Tail were more than a bit reckless, we ended up having a war with Death Lullaby.
The members turned out to be far, far stronger than we imagined, and Fairy Tail was driven to a corner. There were very few members still able to walk, and even fewer able to fight. Master got badly injured after clashing with a certain member with bald hair, and had to rest at the camp. To be perfectly blunt, we knew there was no chance of winning.
"Luce." Natsu called out. His ridiculous nickname would've pissed me off on happier days, but today, I let the very slight affection sneaked in the sides of his voice comfort me, and allowed myself to muffle out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding in. I tried not to think about how a single word from his mouth managed to somehow make me this relaxed, and nodded. While he hadn't yet spoken anything else, his pure, dark onyx eyes flowed with concern and I realized I must've been spacing out for awhile now. "I'm okay." I assured him, this time with words and a light tug at his sleeve, since the nod earlier didn't seem to convince him at all.
"Let's go, then." He said, almost playfully, with his infamous grin on his face. With that small change of expression convincing me it'd all be okay in the end, because it's Natsu, after all, my worry got casted to the side and I let the corners of my lips form a similar expression in return. "No matter what happens, I'll stay with you 'till the end, yeah?" He reached out his hand and grabbed the doorknob in front of us.
It was a stupid promise, and I knew that. In a war like this, and especially since we were about to charge to the strongest enemy yet, the possibility of us staying together until the end - if there was one - was a centimeter away from zero. I wondered if Natsu knew this, too, if he only said this to maybe calm me down. Then I stared at his deep pools of onyx and, as always and as expected, found no hint of doubt in them, so I gave in to the promise of uncertainty and put my hand on top of his larger one.
"Yeah." I whispered, my voice barely a whisper, and pretended not to notice his trembling hand as we turned the doorknob.
I tried to question myself where had I gone wrong, only no matter which depth I sunk into, the obvious, undeniable conclusion was that I wasn't ever right from the start. I clenched my fists, knowing I'd feel eternally foolish for somehow underestimating my opponent. I should've done more research, should've trained a bit harder, should've stopped him, should've done a lot more things that I didn't have the time to name because the reason I was there, my mind swirling with illogical thoughts and mindless reasons was dying right in front of me.
He wasn't actually on the ground, clinging for dear life, but it was one of those things you could just tell. Maybe it was the way he fought against the bald man with green and onyx eyes in front of him, with so much hatred and desperateness I never even thought he had in him, or the way he'd sometimes turn back to look at me, silently questioning himself whether I was still there, alive and watching him squirm and squeeze every bit of life and energy he had in him to protect both me and his promise.
Of course, I ended up being much more of an extra luggage than the help I was supposed to be. As pitiful as I was, I did try my absolute best. I tried my hardest, to the point my nails felt like they were coming off on their own and I've used up all of my magic that my body felt so hollow and empty and in pain and I could feel despair right where magic was supposed to be running trough me. But because it was me, my best still wasn't enough, and maybe it would never be enough.
It hurt to even just stand there, so much so that I kept falling and closing my eyes, wanting to take a break from everything. I knew it wouldn't exactly be a short break, the moment I close my eyes and fall into a deep slumber, I'd continue to do so forever. And I would've gladly surrendered and welcomed exactly that with open arms, if only Natsu hadn't kept screaming my name and asking Happy to go to me and somehow will me against it.
"Luuuuucyyyyyyy!" He would become an inconsolable mess and whine, his eyes filled with brimming, shining tears. And the numerous times it didn't work, he'd actually slap me with all the strength he had left in his small body, forcing me to stay awake, stay alive. "Lucy." Happy would repeat to me, as sharp and as demanding as he could sound, after he'd slapped me over and over and I'd looked at him with wide, half-expectant, half-begging eyes. "Natsu's still here." he'd said, as if it was the plain, simple truth. And it was, only those words made me look beyond him and to the rose-haired dragon slayer.
And Natsu was still there, breathless and dying and hardly alive at all, but there. He was still fighting, refusing to give in to the promised Heaven, not if it was still Hell down here. Despite the darkness laid out in front of him, his figure was shining gallantly. It broke me to see him trying so hard, and it broke me to remember myself willing to leave him to face all of this madness alone.
Then I stood up. Happy was still teary-eyed, the pain was still astoundingly unbearable, and the likeliness of me even reaching him was unfortunately absurd. Despite all of that, I couldn't let Natsu blindly attack like that. I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself if I did. Maybe I still wouldn't forgive myself even if I didn't, but I didn't need to be forgiven.
I slowly approached Natsu by walking, but then my legs couldn't withstand my body and I fell. Then I crawled, a bit slower but it was fine, and then the muscles would sore uncontrollably and I wouldn't even be able to move my fingers and then I'd try to stand up and start walking again. It was a repetitive cycle that seemed to go on eternally, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.
When I finally reached him, my body had almost completely fallen apart, but it was suddenly okay, because he was right there. I wrapped my arms around his chest from behind, something I usually did to stop him from spiraling out of control and hurting himself a bit too much. I could feel his heartbeat pounding loudly against his chest, a sign that he was still alive, and I could finally clear my head and rationalize my own thoughts again.
"Natsu." I called out to him as softly as I could, almost gingerly. It would've embarrassed me, but Natsu losing the tense his body previously had and relaxing into my arms (albeit carefully, so that we wouldn't fall together) meant that it showed its desired effects, so I didn't have any reason to anymore. He was fatally wounded on every part of his body, to the point that his outfit was no more except for a few cloth of what used to be pants and his precious scarf - and even that one thing he loved was ripped apart. "Isn't this enough?" I asked, more of a suggestion than an actual question. "I watched you. You tried so hard. You don't have to anymore. It's okay. I'm okay. We're together now, after all. You and me, on the brink of death, together. Just like you promised."
"And there's nothing I want more than this." I added finally, convincing him that it was really all right and that no matter what happened in the end, he tried his best. I could see Baldy staring down on us from above, completely unscathed by our attacks and glaring disgustedly. He started moving his hands and chanting something I couldn't hear, but I knew it would be his last attack. So as Natsu turned around and in return, wrapped his arms gently around me, I closed my eyes and prepared for the impact.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die, and I found myself expecting this. Maybe a bit too eagerly, as I ended up recalling everything that had happened in my life. The choices I made - I wondered if anything would be different if I changed something. I wondered if I regretted anything, and began to search for any hint of it, but failed to do so as every room in my body was occupied with the natural pleasantness of Natsu's body heat against my own.
Only the impact never came.
When the all but comfortable, reassuring warmth from his arms disappeared, I forced my eyes open. His face was right in front of mine, and it did a great job in making me expand my line of sight. His deep onyx orbs were stars, his rose-colored hair was an indescribable mess of a universe, and fucked up as I was, in that second I found him beautiful. Though his eyes were stars, they were dying, or maybe even already dead. A star doesn't dim bit by it, it just suddenly disappears. And just like that, the color from his eyes did, too. "…Sor…ry…" He croaked out, his voice so much of a ghost I'd've thought I imagined it. "Turns out… I… couldn't let …you…die… after all…"
"N-Natsu!" I shouted automatically. Natsu dropped his body to my arms, and unable to support his weight, I fell to my knees. He was dying. He was already dying before Baldy's last attack, but it was the end of the end. I could see the color slowly dimming out of his face, and feel the warmth slipping away from the palm of his hands that were intertwined with mine. Strange as it was, I couldn't even sob. It was as if all of my emotions were being sucked away along with his life. "…Lu…cy." He exhaled, his mouth barely open at all. He squeezed my hand a bit tighter, as if it took everything in him to muster up those words, but because he was stubborn, he continued anyway. "…I'm…sorry… Won't… make it… till… the end… Say… sorry…to Happy… Gramps… Erza… Gray… Everyone, too…"
"I… I don't regret anything." He said, answering the same question I asked myself just a few moments ago. His lifeless eyes were staring right at mine, and yet, I knew that in his star-like eyes, it wasn't my own pair that was being reflected. When stars die, you rarely notice because they're more than a thousand light-years away, and the amount of them spread across the galaxy is unquantifiable. His star is the star that your gaze always trails to first, though, the one you thought would never die. To not notice it dying would be impossible, I realized this as I had been mindlessly staring at his now-grey eyes. The corners of his mouth formed this tiniest hint of a transparent grin, just leave it to Natsu to smile at his end. "I'm glad… I met Igneel… I went to Fairy Tail… I found Happy… and I found you. If it's you… I'm sure I can… leave Fairy Tail to you... Take care…of it… Just like how… you would… take care of me..."
"You know…" He lifted his hands gently to caress my cheek, so softly and tenderly as if I'd break at the smallest hint of roughness. I wanted to hug him, or cry on his chest, or maybe even just kiss him because anything was better than the silent, blank stare I instead gave him. The hands I wanted to use to touch his instead hovered quietly here and there. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but muffled, unclear letterswere all I could let out. "This world…is full of bad people… I'm glad… amidst this crowd of...thousands of bastards… I found you... Lucy… I'm sorry…" his grin grew wider, and I wish it didn't look so sincere and honest and heartbreakingly bright, even when the rest of his face was almost completely pale, because all it did was quench my heart even more, and if there was any more of it left, it completely vanished along with the words he said next. "I love you." He said, simply, before his hand turned cold and dropped from my face.
"…Me too." I cried, the words just flowing out of my mouth naturally, as if my whole life, I'd been preparing for it. Finally in control of my body again, I gripped his cold hands. "I love you, too." I expanded the meaning of my previous words. I had understood my feelings even before the war started, of course, but it just seemed to be such an inconsequential issue that I denied it and pushed it to the corner of my mind. Right then, though, with his head on my chest and everything I say not reaching him, everything else had become secondary. "More than I can bear." The tears I didn't notice were there fell from my face to his cold chest, pouring more and more every growing second, as if I'd been holding myself back and keeping all my tears for that exact moment. "I think always have." I continued saying, as if my heart was there and making me say these words, even though there was only an empty void where my heart was supposed to be, even though my whole body felt numb and lifeless and exhausted, even though I wanted die along with him right that second. "From the moment that we met." I said finally, allowing myself to pull him into a hug. His body was ice-cold, nothing I'd ever expect from Natsu, and yet, it still had a somewhat irrational heat, telling me that yes, this is Natsu.
I'd like to say I remember what happened after that, but it all just seemed like a continuous blur of me frantically screaming and crying and chanting, as if any of those things could bring Natsu back to life. My mind had started to swirl uncontrollably again, or maybe it just shut down.
That would explain what nothing made sense after that.
Okay, so that was my first re-written chapter. For those of you who are new, ah, screw it, just continue reading until Chapter 13 and read the A/N there. For those of you who actually re-read it, aww, thanks a lot! I feel like it greatly improved, yeah? Also, I made a few changes here and there, but nothing too significant. Just added a few more details, like I said. K, 2 chapters done, 11 more to go.
-Skye