Warning: This chapter contains period!sex, sleep!sex, and also minor violence.

Promises

"I doubt it, Britt," she says as they exit the subway downtown and head for the hospital.

They're bundled up in coats and sweaters against the harsh sting of the wind. It snowed again last night but now it's so much colder. Santana protectively holds Brittany's right hand to keep her safe and it feels weirdly nicer to be here than the last time.

"You never know," Brittany says. "I could have magical bones that fix right away. I could be out of this stupid bandage and doing naughty, naughty things to you by this afternoon."

She's about to respond when Brittany's grip tightens and her hand tugs to lead Santana down an alley. She presses herself back against the wall and pulls Santana to her until they fit against each other. Santana groans quietly into the kiss that finds her mouth and tries to ignore the way that Brittany's hand curls around her backside.

"Cut it out," she mutters quietly as their smiles press together. Brittany laughs happily against her and tugs her closer until Santana's leg presses between her own. She kisses her sloppily until Santana pulls away with a warning bite to her bottom lip. Brittany pouts but Santana refrains from giving into her. The fear of getting caught for Public Indecency is too much.

"Stop it." She says as Brittany flips them and presses her back against the wall. "Or we'll be late."

Brittany nibbles on her bottom lip and smiles. "But we're early…"

"My point exactly," Santana says as she shifts away and pulls Brittany back onto the street. "C'mon."

/

They're forty-five minutes early for Brittany's appointment and the hospital is quiet when they get inside. Brittany leads Santana to the department Edie had instructed them to go to and gives them her name to check in. They tell her she's early and Brittany nods as she explains that they're here to see Edie. The woman brightens at the mention of Edie's name and asks if they're friends.

Santana lies, nodding until the woman tells them to wait where they are while she calls through to see if she's here.

They have their arms around each other when Edie eventually arrives around the corner from the ER. Their noses are squashed together for no other reason than they want them to and they talk to each other about everything and nothing before Santana notices the familiar dirty blond hair over Brittany's shoulder. Edie's eyebrows rise the minute she sees them and she's chuckling to herself as she steps closer. Santana feels her cheeks pink and pulls Brittany just a little closer to feel safe.

It takes Edie pressing a hand to Brittany's shoulder for Brittany to notice her and Santana watches the shock in Edie's face as Brittany smiles and says hello.

"Wow," she says around a laugh. "Somebody's changed their tune from the last time they were here."

The words make Brittany's smile fall into one of guilt. She opens her mouth to apologize but Edie just shakes her head and rubs her arm. She looks between them before glancing at Santana with a little grin.

"That was quicker than expected," she mutters and Santana ignores Brittany's confused expression to smile widely.

She shrugs and tightens her arms around Brittany. "Yeah," she whispers. "How'd you—"

"I've been around the block," Edie tells her. "You see a lot of stuff in this place. All kinds of shit goes on here, but I could tell from the way that you looked at her when she was hurting to the way that she cried when we kicked you out of the room." She glances at Brittany who seems to have understood what they're talking about and averted her gaze. "It's obvious when people hate each other… but it's more obvious when two people are so crazy about each other that they've actually gone a little bit crazy."

She holds her fingers up, thumb and forefinger spaced a tiny way apart, to demonstrate her point. Santana smiles and Brittany shyly buries her face in her shoulder. Edie laughs at them like they're more adorable than annoying and rubs Brittany's back.

"When's your appointment?" she asks and Santana just hands her the appointment card she'd given them last week. She eyes it and then looks to the woman behind the counter. "He's in the gym, isn't he?" The woman nods and Edie shakes her head. "Fucking idiot," she mutters. "Call Jennie and get her down here and tell her it's for the cute lady lovers from last week."

She looks back to Brittany and Santana and finds Santana smirking at her. "'The cute lady lovers from last week'?" she repeats.

Edie rolls her eyes. "Her words, not mine."

/

Jennie is the red-haired doctor who reset Brittany's arm last week. She smiles just as much as Edie did when she sees them and makes this ridiculous noise of approval when Brittany lets Santana help her up onto the bed.

"Well, well, well," she says slipping a pair of glasses onto her nose. "I just knew you kids would figure yourselves out. Let's take a look at that arm."

Santana helps the doctor to remove Brittany's coat, then her sweater, and then the button-up she has over her purple NYU t-shirt.

"What're you studying?" she asks and Brittany looks down at her shirt before answering.

"Oh. Photography and imaging at Tisch," she winces as Dr. Jennie starts to examine her arm.

Dr. Jennie nods. "I went to med school at NYU," she says as she touches Brittany's fingers. "Go Bobcats."

Brittany nods and winces, her discomfort obvious. "Is it better?" she asks even though it's very clear it isn't. Jennie unravels the bandages from around her arm and pries the plaster splint from around her elbow and wrist. Brittany squeaks when Dr. Jennie holds her arm to support it. "Ouch."

"Your wrist is still a little swollen," Jennie tells her as she lets her thumb run over the bones in Brittany's wrist. "I'm not really surprised by that because we had to really get in there to put it back in place." Brittany grits her teeth and reaches for Santana's hand as the doctor finishes examining her, slipping a sling around her arm to keep it secure. "We'll give you another X-ray and then I think we'll put you in another splint for five more days, depending on whether or not your bones have continued to remain in place."

She smiles and writes something on Brittany's chart before leaving the room with Edie. Brittany watches her leave before turning to Santana, shocked by the sudden pain she feels.

"So, these magic bones you've got…" Santana teases as she brushes Brittany's hair from her eyes.

Brittany pouts at her.

"Shuddup," she mumbles.

When she leans forward to rest her head against Santana's shoulder, all Santana does is chuckle and wrap an arm around her.

/

Santana helps Brittany back home an hour and a half later. She's a little high on the low dose of morphine they had to give her when they were reapplying the splint and, instead of making her puke like last time, it makes her a little cute and dopey. She's way happier than she should be that she got the stitches in her elbow out.

She falls asleep on the subway with a ridiculous grin on her face. She should be in class but when Dr. Jennie had frowned when she told her that and said "I don't think so," Brittany had called a classmate to ask them to let their professor know.

She brings Brittany with her when she goes for her pre-work nap. She strips her down to her purple NYU shirt and underwear and forces her onto her back so that she can lift her arm above her. She falls asleep quickly and easily and Santana knows that she's smiling as she falls asleep.

She wakes up with Brittany's hand up the back of her shirt, stroking her skin even though she's still asleep. Their legs are tangled and Santana doesn't want to leave her, not for a second.

Santana's never really seen herself as the kind of person with a regular day job. Her nine-to-five day is 9pm to 5am. She used to love the bar before Brittany got here. She used to think she was meant for sleeping all day and working all night except now she kind of wants the opposite. She wants to be able to work while Brittany's at school doing something interesting and then for them to come home to each other before making dinner and watching crappy TV. She wants free weekends and to not be randomly asked to work a shift when all she wants to do is sleep. She wants to do something that might mean she has a future.

She wants to do something that will make a future for her and Brittany.

She cuddles herself closer, resting her head on Brittany's chest to listen to her heart beat steadily in her chest. It's soothing and it sends her back to sleep and when she wakes up again, it's to the sound of the TV in her room and to Brittany stroking through her hair.

Brittany doesn't say anything, even as Santana slowly wakes up. She just keeps stroking and kissing her hair as Santana slowly lets her body acclimate to consciousness. Their legs are still tangled together and it's warm.

"I don't want to go to work," Santana whispers against her shoulder.

Brittany presses a lingering kiss to her forehead and says nothing.

It makes her feel worse.

/

It's quiet at work and that makes everything worse. It's only her, Lil and one of the new girls that's shy and quiet. Santana spends most of the night sitting on a stool in the corner of the bar playing with her phone. She gets up and sings but nobody seems interested.

Lil wipes down glasses alongside her and when she sighs for about the four hundredth time in the last half an hour, the woman throws a bottle cap at her head.

"Would you smile, please?" she asks. Santana turns to her and sighs but doesn't do as she asks. "What's wrong with you?"

Santana shrugs. "Nothing," she says. "I just… I'm worried about Britt."

Lil laughs and stacks begins to stack the shelves in the fridges beneath the bar. "That's bullshit, Lopez," she says. "You're bored."

When Santana doesn't say anything, Lil sighs and moves to stand beside her. She puts one of the beers in front of her and opens it.

"It's okay to want to do more than this," Lil tells her around a laugh and when Santana looks at her in nervous confusion, Lil shakes her head. "I spoke to Brittany the other night and she might have mentioned your job search. I think it's a good idea and I'll help you any way I can, just let me know." Santana looks at her dubiously and Lil nudges her. "I meant it when I said you're too good for this bar, you know? You're one of the good ones. I haven't had many girls who've come in here and jumped on the bar straight away."

That makes Santana laugh and she shrugs, peeling the label from her beer out of habit. "I don't know, Lil," she says. "I've been looking for something for months now and I've heard nothing back. And I really don't want to be some office clerk." She sighs and shrugs. "Maybe I should just go back to college."

"And do what?" Lil asks around a scoff. Santana shrugs. "Just stick it out," she says. "Your job will be here until you find something."

Santana groans. "But I feel bad leaving Brittany alone three nights a week. Everything's all new and she's already gone back to school and I feel like we should be doing more but I have to sleep when we should be finding our feet."

Lil snorts and shakes her head. "You two do not need to find your feet. Your feet have been found and that's why you don't want to be here. You want to be back at your apartment, naked with your girlfriend. And I understand that, but you're a grown up, Little Lopez. You gotta bring home the bacon."

"I still feel bad," she whispers.

"You're a smart girl," Lil says, slapping her on the back. "Make it up to her."

/

She gets the subway home and spends the whole ride home thinking of something special she can do. It's freezing cold and snowing when she walks home from the subway but the apartment is toasty warm when she gets inside.

She kicks off her boots and coat and finds Brittany spread out in the middle of their bed when she gets back. Santana strips to her underwear and steps over to the bed to pull back the covers.

Her breath catches in her throat when she finds Brittany completely naked. A hunger and longing throbs within her and she doesn't even pause before she climbs over her and presses kisses into her breastbone and the dip of her diaphragm. It makes Brittany's breath catch but doesn't wake her up so she keeps kissing down her stomach, over her hips, before parting her legs and settling between them.

Brittany's breath hitches when Santana takes one, long lick through her center but returns to its same sleepy rhythm when she pulls back. Santana looks up at her before pulling her legs until they're over her shoulders and burying her tongue inside of her. She thrusts it steadily, her thumb coming up to sweep over her clit and it takes longer than it should before Brittany grunts into alertness, her hand reaching down to tangle in Santana's hair in shock as her back arches.

"Good morning," Santana pulls back to say, glad when Brittany just moans in response. Nails scratch over Brittany's ass as she resumes her actions and it doesn't take long before Brittany's going rigid and bucking up into her once more. Santana lets her hand continue to stroke Brittany as she kisses her way up to her mouth.

Brittany sucks Santana's tongue into her mouth and hums at the taste. Her hand roams her body and when she pulls back, she's the most beautiful mix of sleepy and aroused.

"I missed you," she whispers and Santana feels a pang in her chest as Brittany continues to kiss her. "I missed you a lot," she breathes, just to make her point.

Santana lets her fingers move slowly, swallowing the gasps Brittany begins to release.

"I'm here now," she mutters as Brittany's hips shift beneath her. "I'm here now."

/

Santana's only just woke up when Brittany comes home from school. The door opens and Santana looks up from where she sits to watch Brittany as she drops all her bags to the floor before locking the door behind her. Her coat gets dropped there too and Santana knows what's wrong before she can even realize.

Brittany walks with a wince and her hand covers her tummy. She doesn't speak to Santana as she turns the corner and into the bathroom but Santana doesn't need her to. She gets up and moves into the kitchen, putting their tea kettle onto the stove before finding Brittany's tea and the hot water bottle. Brittany's still in the bathroom by the time it's boiled and Santana sets both things on the coffee table before getting Brittany's towel and the blanket. She sets them both down on the couch and when Brittany emerges from the bathroom with tear-stained cheeks, Santana hates it.

Brittany collapses down onto the other couch while Santana fusses over the one she usually sits on. She curls into a ball and Santana doesn't hesitate before leaving her to go grab her some more comfortable clothes. She urges her to sit up and uses her thumbs to wipe Brittany's face. Brittany looks hurt and hopeless as Santana starts dragging her jeans down her legs. She's glad that Brittany's in comfy underwear and when Brittany shakes her head as she holds out the sweatpants, she doesn't argue and tosses them aside.

Brittany does let her change her into a comfy t-shirt and lets her pull her onto the other couch. She curls up into a ball as Santana moves around the room, closing the drapes and putting on Finding Nemo for her. She makes sure that all the locks are on the door and slips in behind Brittany before handing her the hot water bottle.

She puts it on her back and Santana presses her body against it for some pressure until Brittany sighs with the relief it brings.

"Hurts," she whispers just like normal and Santana kisses her forehead before slipping her hand down to her stomach. She presses her fingers in knowingly but when Brittany doesn't relax even a little bit, she knows that it's bad.

She kisses behind her ear as gently as she can. "Did you take some painkillers?" she asks.

Brittany nods her head and when Santana peers over her, her body curled into itself, she finds her crying harder than before.

"Oh, baby…" she whispers and curls her arm around Brittany's neck until she can run the backs of her fingers over Brittany's cheeks. It makes Brittany's quiet tears turn into baby soft whimpers. Santana kisses her cheeks and hums soothing sounds into her ear. The fingers of Brittany's broken arm wrap around her wrist and keep her fingers pressing where they are.

"It hurts," Brittany mumbles as she turns her head to bury it into Santana's chin. "It really, really hurts… More than normal," she whimpers. "I even threw up..." she tells Santana like it's a secret.

Santana feels useless, like she has nothing left to give. She's got hot water bottles and tea and painkillers. She has cuddles and kisses and warm hands but she doesn't have the ability to take away pain. She thinks back to all the times when they were in high school and she would search the internet for new things to help Brittany when she'd be curled up on her bed like this. She knows that there's one thing that works for Brittany when she's alone but she usually waits for Santana to leave before she does that.

"Have you tried to…" Santana starts awkwardly but Brittany shakes her head quickly. She takes deep breaths like she doesn't want the pain to get to that point, like she's determined for it to go away before she has to reach that last resort. It makes Santana feel bad and she lets her hand slip over the front of Brittany's underwear before Brittany can stop her. The pressure she puts there instantly makes Brittany sigh in a mixture of relief and shock but she pulls Santana's hand away regardless.

"You—you don't have to do that," she whispers when Santana puts her hand back. "I can—"

She trails off when Santana laughs despite herself. She looks worried and bites her lips as Santana firmly keeps her hand where it is. Santana kisses Brittany's neck and sucks softly to preoccupy her.

"It's okay. I don't mind," she whispers as she moves her hand up only to slip it beneath Brittany's underwear. Her fingers easily find Brittany's clit and roll it beneath her fingers. Brittany's breath hitches and Santana feels herself smile in relief. She noses Brittany's hair from her neck and kisses her skin. "It's okay…"

Brittany gasps. "Maybe we should go the bathroom," she whispers but she sounds desperate too. "M-maybe I should take a bath."

Santana doesn't stop. "We can do that after," she says softly, forming firm circles around Brittany's clit. She's warmer than normal; that's what Santana notices first. She's more sensitive too—her hand reaches to grab at Santana's wrist when she presses too hard. "I don't mind."

"You—You shouldn't have to do this if you don't—if you don't want to," Brittany grits out and Santana can tell that she's trying not to moan. "I can just do what I used to do. I—I could go to the bathroom or I could go use the other room or I can—" She trails off into a shuddering moan. "I don't expect you to—"

"Britt, be quiet," she mumbles into her ear. "You don't have to do that. I don't mind doing this," she reiterates. "I really don't. I just want to make you feel better."

When Brittany shudders and nods, Santana knows that they're done talking. Her fingers move smoothly and Brittany starts to let out these soft little moans that she hasn't really heard before. Her legs soften and part as Santana lifts one over her own thighs. Her entire body is buzzing slowly, completely vulnerable and sensitive. Santana watches her carefully, loving all the differences she can see.

She doesn't want to say that it's beautiful because it sounds weird but it is. The trust Brittany has in her makes her feel bigger and when Brittany comes it's longer and harder. It starts slowly and Santana can feel Brittany's clit throbbing beneath her fingers as the first waves overcome her. She stiffens slowly, delicately. Her body hovers in some in-between place for a long time, her eyes rolling back in her head, before she snaps with slow, hip-rolling shudders that don't seem to want to stop. She doesn't gasp or moan but she breathes heavily in relief.

There's no argument when Santana doesn't stop her fingers. She just keeps them rolling over Brittany's clit, pressing softer against her until she's almost teasing the pleasure out of her. Brittany comes again a few moments later with curling toes and a perfect arch in her back. Santana's shocked when Brittany doesn't push her away when her fingers still don't stop.

"Really?" she whispers in awe and Brittany just nods desperately. She rolls back into the couch until Santana can barely move. Santana shifts her arm from around Brittany's neck to around her chest. She keeps hold of her as she rolls onto her back, bringing Brittany to lie atop her. Brittany's legs fall further apart, one falling off the side of the couch as the other lifts to rest over the back cushions. "Better?

Brittany nods even though Santana already knows that. The rocking of Brittany's backside against her pelvis is rubbing her in just the right way. She ignores it, even as she pants into Brittany's ear and uses her other hand to push Brittany's shirt up. The blanket falls around their hips to hide their hands but Santana manages to get the shirt above Brittany's breasts until she can softly cover them with her hand. Brittany gasps and nods, hips pressing back into Santana's fingers on her clit. Santana squeezes her chest gently and groans when Brittany turns and reaches behind her to bring their mouths together.

The kiss is messy and wet and Santana's pretty sure that Brittany does it to preoccupy Santana away from the fact that she's dipping her own hand down to her center to help herself along. Goosebumps prickle over Brittany's skin and Santana does little more than whimper into Brittany's mouth.

When Brittany comes the third time, it's neither quiet nor delicate. She still stiffens slowly and her hips rise up away from Santana as a long, loud moan leaves her lips. Santana holds her still as she rides it out. When Brittany shudders hard and groans, Santana can feel all the muscles beneath her fingers pulsating and throbbing. Brittany whimpers over and over again, hips still quivering until they eventually drop into the cradle of Santana's.

She's completely relaxed and Santana takes her hand away from her clit to rest it comfortingly over the top of her underwear. Brittany breathes easily and Santana feels sleepy as they lay together.

"Thank you," Brittany whispers as she covers Santana's hand with hers.

Santana smiles and reaches down to bring the blanket up over them. She rolls them onto their sides and breathes a sigh of relief when she hears Brittany's breathing slow a few seconds later.

"You're welcome," she whispers, even though she's sure Brittany doesn't hear.

/

She feels bad leaving Brittany alone that night.

After Brittany woke up, Santana managed to get her in the bath. She was sleepy and Santana sat beside the tub and washed her as Brittany let her hands wander down to work between her legs. Even more than being trusted to do that, it felt better when Brittany let her watch her and she kissed her gently when she came. She wrapped her in a towel and dressed her carefully. Santana made her ramen while she fixed her a fresh hot water bottle and put her in bed before cuddling up to her.

Brittany slept in her arms but Santana stayed awake, stroking her back to make her feel safe.

When she had to untangle herself from Brittany's body, she was yet again reminded that her life sucks. She kissed Brittany's brow and watched as she curled herself around Santana's pillow the minute Santana was off the bed. She watched her the whole time she was getting ready and it wasn't until she was about to leave that the urge to stay where she was really overtook her.

Because Brittany hurt and she'd cried again before they got to the bathroom. What if she needed her? What if she needed a cuddle? The whole thing makes Santana feel depressed and, like normal, she begins to doubt herself.

Because if she's working this shitty job the rest of her life then how are they supposed to get their future? How's she supposed to pay for a wedding and a house and fucking kids? How the hell is she supposed to look after kids if she's at a bar all night? She can't expect Brittany to do those things by herself. Brittany could, of course, but she shouldn't have to do that. She should always know that she isn't alone.

With that thought, Santana panics and grabs Tubbs from where he sleeps in front of the radiator. She puts him down on the bed, right next to Brittany's body and gives him a warning look as she presses a kiss to Brittany's head.

It isn't until she's on the subway that she gets an idea and maybe it's ridiculous and stupid and possibly more hassle than they can handle right now, but it'll make Brittany happy.

She remains glued to her phone the whole way to work and through all her breaks. It's busier than it was yesterday but she doesn't care because by the time she leaves work the next morning, her plan has come to fruition.

/

"Where the heck have you been?" Brittany demands the minute she walks through the door. She's dressed just as Santana had left her the night before and her hand is clutching her stomach, except she doesn't think it's because of the cramp.

She looks terrified and Santana suddenly regrets using up all her phone battery on her plan. Her face falls with guilt and she puts the box in her hands by the front door before she steps forward to press a pacifying kiss to Brittany's lips.

And she knows it's mostly because Brittany's hormones are assholes right now but she hates herself more than ever when Brittany starts to cry with relief.

"I should have called but my phone died," she says instantly as she wraps her arms around Brittany's body. "I'm so sorry, baby."

"I thought you were dead," she whispers against Santana's mouth as Santana kisses her slowly. "I thought that someone had kidnapped you and dragged you away somewhere and hurt you and—" She trails off and groans in irritation before punching Santana in the arm. "You suck, Lopez!"

Santana chuckles as she grabs at her arm and follows Brittany as she paces in front of their TV.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," Brittany says, sniffing and tossing her hair angrily from her face. "Next time, I'll kick your ass."

Santana nods. "Okay, baby," she says. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"You should be," Brittany agrees. "And you better have a good reason for scaring the crap out of me. And you better make it up to me with like… orgasms. And dinner. And candy."

Santana laughs and shakes her head at Brittany's adorableness—if you can call it that. She sits on the arm of the couch and watches Brittany mumble and pace for a few more minutes.

"I already brought you a present, actually," Santana says after a moment but Brittany's too busy getting out whatever's in her system. Santana rolls her eyes and steps back over to the box before bringing it back to her seat. She listens to Brittany's threats as she opens the box.

"Well, whatever it is isn't going to make up for this, Santana," she mumbles and her hands gesticulate everywhere. "I mean, I'm very aware that I'm being a huge hypocrite because I ran out on you—twice—and one of those times I actually got hurt because duh—" She raises her arm in the air and Santana smirks the whole time she's bundling the tiny thing in the box into her hands and stepping over to her. "But I was mad and you weren't mad but now I'm mad and—"

She trails off when the tiny thing she doesn't appear to have noticed sitting in Santana's hands meows at her frantic talking. Instead she gasps and her eyes go wide. Santana feels ridiculously proud of herself as Brittany's worry transforms into utter joy.

"You bought me a kitten?!" she squeaks before covering her mouth at the loudness. "You bought me a kitten?" she repeats in a whisper. "A real one?!"

Santana giggles and gestures for Brittany to sit down on the couch. She sits on the coffee table in front of her before she holds the tiny ginger kitten out to her.

"I adopted a kitten for us," Santana corrects as she lets him crawl across Brittany's lap. "Because this little guy was left all on his own in an alley. And a nice man from a shelter found him and he wasn't very well and they got him better but nobody wanted him until I went by this morning." Brittany grins as the kitten wanders around her lap and sniffs at her hand. "Probably because he's got two different color eyes and he's blind in one of them but we don't care, do we?"

Brittany shakes her head and lifts the kitten to her face with one hand. She kisses the top of his head. He meows again and Santana slips from the coffee table to the spot beside Brittany. She strokes the kitten's head and goes silent as she hopefully turns to Brittany.

"You found us a kitten," Brittany whispers as they both rest their heads back against the couch. Santana nods. "Like, he's ours and stuff."

Santana smiles. "Well, I figured, how am I supposed to trip over our cats if we only have one? It doesn't make sense and now Tubbs will have someone to keep him company when we're not here and they can both keep you safe when I'm at work."

Brittany bites her lip and leans forward to press a kiss to Santana's lips.

"What are we going to call him?" she whispers, like she doesn't want him to hear.

Santana glances down before looking at Brittany. "Well, they called him Gus at the shelter."

"That's cute," Brittany grins. "But he needs a full name."

She lifts him up to her face and looks at him carefully. His paws grab at Brittany's nose when she brings him close enough to kiss him again.

"He's like a little pirate," she says when she sees his cute little half-squint. "Captain Gus," she giggles, scratching him under his chin. "Captain Augustus Pierce-Lopez."

When she turns to Santana to see her reaction, Santana isn't really able to do anything except lean forward and kiss her. She kisses her deeply, her tongue teasing in Brittany's mouth until Gus meows below them. It makes Santana laugh and she looks around to take the kitten from Brittany.

"Sorry Gus," she whispers. "But your moms are gonna do that sometimes."

She turns to Brittany and smiles.

"You're just gonna have to get used to it."

/

"You're so whipped," Kurt tells her on Sunday afternoon, when she's tired from work and tired from Gus jumping on their faces at all hours of the day and night.

She's half-asleep on their couch with her sixth cup of coffee sitting on the table in front of her. Brittany and Rachel just got back from the pet store and Santana watches out of one eye as Brittany slips a tiny eye-patch over Gus' head. It's cute and she finds herself smiling, quietly amused as Brittany squeals at how cute he is before reaching into the bag and pulling out an outfit for Tubbs.

Kurt chuckles but Santana doesn't look away from Brittany, Tubbs and Gus.

"So, so whipped," Kurt says.

Santana is too tired and too happy to care.

"Fuck you," she says.

Five minutes later, Brittany straddles her and puts Gus on her chest. She strokes him absentmindedly because she can see them being like this ten years from now, except the thing that Santana imagines being placed onto her chest has wispsy blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes.

She smiles dreamily and Kurt laughs.

/

Brittany goes back to the hospital on Tuesday to get her cast put on. Santana meets her from school after her first class and listens to her as she explains to her next professor that she has to go to the doctor. He's a nice Columbian guy who smiles and jokes with both of them and makes them feel comfortable holding hands in front of him.

Edie is smoking a cigarette outside the hospital when they get there. She tosses it aside before gesturing them inside to a room where Dr. Jennie is eating a gross looking hospital cafeteria salad.

Santana feels her arm tighten around the bag of Five Guys under her arm because she suddenly feels like a target. They'd expected to wait this time around so they'd brought their lunch with them.

But now she's in a treatment room and Dr. Jennie is looking at her like she's the second coming of Christ.

"Are you guys hungry?" Brittany asks when she sees them both eyeing the bag. "Because I got extra, if you want it."

Santana loves and hates Brittany all at once.

/

Her new cast is dark blue and she grins at Santana the minute that it's on as she happily flexes her fingers and does a little dance just for the hell of it. Edie and Jennie both laugh as Jennie finishes up Brittany's paperwork.

"I call first signature," Edie says, pulling a Sharpie from her scrub pocket. She tugs Brittany forward and turns her palm over. She scribbles something small and when Santana looks over Brittany's shoulder, she sees a number. "That's my cell. Call me if you girls need anything, okay?" They look at her curiously. "I got a daughter your age," she reveals. "She's a complete pain in the ass and I guess you two remind me of her. Plus, you make me nervous out here on your own."

"Thanks, Edie," Brittany says as she leans forward to embrace her.

Santana nods in agreement. "Yeah, thanks."

They both get up to leave and Santana awkwardly hugs Edie as Brittany thanks Dr. Jennie.

"If you're ever in the ER," Jennie says. "Just ask them to call me and, depending on whether or not I'm saving the life of someone else, I'll come give you a hand."

They both nod and Santana feels weirdly like a child again for some reason.

"Also, don't forget that your cast is to come off in six weeks and you'll need to come back for an X-ray," Edie tells them as she hands them a slip of paper. "Also, don't forget to make sure that cut on your elbow stays clean."

"I will," Brittany says.

Santana nods. "And I'll make sure she does."

Edie gives them a smile and then nudges them both away. "Get out of here," she says. "You've got movie night to get to."

"You can come if you want," Brittany says with a shrug.

Edie laughs. "I'm working till midnight."

"Maybe another time then," Santana says as they walk away.

She's sure she hears Edie mutter a "yeah, maybe," as they leave.

/

When Brittany drags her through the door and presses her up against it with a renewed desperation, Santana figures pretty quickly that this new cast is going to mean brilliant things.

She laughs the whole time that Brittany's stripping them down to their underwear and doesn't stop until she's pushed her backwards onto the couch. Brittany collapses atop of her with no pain or wincing and Santana lets her hand tangle in blonde hair as the other reaches out for a blanket to cover them.

It feels so much better with Brittany on top of her and she grabs at Brittany's ass through her underwear as Brittany's fingers slip underneath her own. She's got her legs wrapped around Brittany's waist and Brittany's about to go three fingers thick inside of her when someone knocks at the door. They're sweaty and moaning desperately and it goes unspoken that they're going to ignore it. It's not time for Rachel and Kurt to arrive yet and anyone else can fuck off.

The door opens when Santana's desperately whining her orgasm into Brittany's mouth. She barely even notices because she's too swept up in the pleasure of being stretched by Brittany's fingers but she eventually hears the screaming and Brittany's ridiculous laughter.

"Oh my god. We're so sorry— So sorry," Rachel shouts as Kurt screams. "We didn't think you'd be here!"

Santana's still panting for breath when Brittany stops laughing enough to talk to them. She shakes her head and rests her cheek against Santana's shoulder as she turns to look at them. Her lithe fingers are still buried deep inside of her.

"Just go," she laughs uncontrollably. "Just—get out of here," she laughs. "I'll call you when we're done."

The door slams and Brittany's still giggling when Santana manages to lift her palm to her forehead and breathe only a little normally.

"Did that really just happen?" she pants, dying quietly when Brittany nods and laughs into her neck. She's already sporadically kissing Santana's chest and her fingers haven't moved. Santana doesn't mention it. "Did you really just tell them we weren't done yet?" she asks and feels a laugh bubble from her.

Brittany looks up at her and Santana gasps when she starts moving her fingers, daring her to put a stop to this. Brittany hits that spot deep inside of her and that's enough to unravel all of her resolve.

"Screw it," she says eventually, neck arching and eyes rolling. "They already think it's happening anyway."

/

Kurt and Rachel come back with liquor. Lots of liquor…

Kurt sits on the couch they didn't just desecrate and sips on margaritas with a hand covering his eyes.

"I feel uncomfortable being here," he mutters. "And I feel uncomfortable that I brought the ingredients to make tacos."

Brittany snorts into her drink and quickly tries to hide the laughter. Santana smirks and Rachel gives them both a reproachful look of warning. She appears to care less that she walked in on lesbian sex than Kurt does. She looks more worried about the mortification that sits plainly on his face.

"Like, seeing Santana naked is not something particularly new," he laments quietly as My Fair Lady quietly plays in the background. "I mean, we used to live together. I saw both Rachel and Santana in some state of undress on more than one occasion."

Santana glares at him from where she reclines between Brittany's legs. She's wearing a t-shirt and underwear that Brittany threw to her when she got up to call their friends but has forgone anything else, just like Brittany did. They've been hiding their legs under the blanket since Kurt and Rachel arrived and didn't even bother to fix their hair.

"But to see Santana during… in the throes of… To see her having an—"

"Orgasm?" Brittany offers helpfully.

Kurt winces. "It's a lot to process."

Santana clicks her tongue and feels offended. "Thanks," she complains, hurt. "What's wrong with me having an orgasm?"

Kurt shudders. Rachel looks between them all, petting Gus quietly in her lap.

"There's nothing wrong with it," she says diplomatically. "I'm sure it was quite nice."

"Nice?" Brittany snorts. "Did it look nice, to you? Mind-blowing, maybe. Nice? Pft."

"It was mind-blowing, baby," Santana whispers softly up to her. "Better than that, even."

Brittany kisses her on the nose. "I know," she says brightly. "I was trying to be modest."

"I'm going to be sick," Kurt groans.

"That's offensive," Brittany and Santana say at the same time.

"Maybe we should go make dinner," Rachel says to him.

She stands up and puts Gus back in his bed with Lord Tubbington. They instantly snuggle up together and fall asleep.

Santana snorts and watches as Kurt and Rachel disappear to the kitchen.

"When he gets drunk and has to stay here tonight," Santana says. "We're having sex really loudly."

Brittany leans up and kisses her. Her tongue slips into Santana's mouth easily and she doesn't need to be told to turn around in Brittany's arms. It makes her feel warm all over and when it makes Kurt scream ten minutes later, that's even better.

/

When Kurt scoffs because they're doing little more than holding hands and cuddling on the couch, Santana gets mad.

She sits up and pauses the movie before turning to Kurt and shaking her head. He gives her an annoyed look and it just makes her feel more mad at him. He constantly keeps looking down his nose at them and she's sick of it. He did it last week and he did it on Sunday and it's not fair.

"What is your problem?" she asks as calmly as she can, looking at Kurt through the half-dark of the room. She's glad when Brittany reaches around to turn on the lamp. "I don't know if this is a Blaine thing or a you thing or if you're just not used to us yet but you need to get over it, okay?"

Kurt looks at her shocked and offended. He presses a hand to his chest but Santana goes on regardless.

"If it's something to do with Blaine then I'm sorry. I'm sorry but you can't keep treating us like this because it's not fair." Brittany presses a hand to her back from behind her and it gives her the courage to go on. "This is our home, Kurt. You can't sit here in our safe place and scoff at us for acting how we would be if you weren't here. You can't sit here and be pissed off at us because you barged into our home and caught us doing something that we're old enough to do." She laughs uncomfortably. "You shouldn't be sitting on our couch, muttering to Rachel that we should be putting every single lock and chain on our front door if we don't want people to walk in on us."

"I didn't—" Kurt starts but Santana holds up a hand to stop him. He looks around at Rachel for support but she just blinks and stares back at him.

"Kurt, we heard you say it," Santana says as calmly as she can. "And we should not have to do that. When I gave you a key to our apartment it was to be used when we gave you permission to use it. I mean, I don't come to the loft and let myself in anymore. I wait for permission." She shakes her head as Kurt stares off into the distance. "And Kurt, I love you okay? Brittany loves you. You're our best friend but you can't act this way hoping that it might make us behave differently. It's not fair. This is our home and we want you to be comfortable but we expect you to allow us that courtesy too."

The room lapses into silence and all three women look at Kurt, watching him as he shakes his head. They can all tell he's trying to come up with something to say but before he can, Rachel speaks.

"He doesn't just do it here," Rachel says gently, too gently for Rachel. "He does it at home too." She sits up and takes Kurt's hand before looking at Brittany and Santana. "I've been texting that guy from my class and every single time he hears my phone go off he says something negative about it." She turns to Kurt then. "And I know that it's got something to do with Blaine but you need to stop, okay? You can't make everyone else unhappy just because you're hurting."

Kurt shakes his head and that's when Santana sees the tears welling in his eyes. She shifts closer and takes his hand without thinking. He grips it tightly and Santana feels Brittany shuffling up behind her to see him better.

Kurt shrugs and the laugh that leaves him is bitter and full of sadness.

"He proposed to me," he explains and, as he begins to cry, Santana feels everything change.

/

He's got Rachel on one side of him and Brittany on the other. Rachel holds his hand and Brittany strokes his hair while Santana pours him shots of tequila. His cheeks are puffy, his eyes are red, and Santana has never wanted to murder Blaine Anderson more.

"You know we spoke on New Years' Eve?" Kurt says to her as he knocks back another shot. Santana takes a sideways glance at Brittany before nodding. "Well, after that I went and found him downstairs at the party and he looked kind of weird then. He took my hand and he took me out into the yard and proposed to me." Santana pours him another shot. "And even then, I didn't know, you know?"

He looks at Santana and she nods in understanding as she remembers their conversation that night. Both Rachel and Brittany give her a look that she quickly shakes her head at.

"I didn't know if I wanted to say yes but I just said it anyway because I thought he'd changed," he sniffs. "He'd done so much and then when everyone left he kissed me so slowly and I thought yeah, okay, maybe and it was—it was just so perfect, you know?" They all nod slowly in understanding. "And then he was already awake when I woke up the next morning and he was texting. I asked him who it was and he wouldn't answer me and just went to shower. And then his phone went off while he was in the shower and it wouldn't stop so I picked it up and the messages…" He suddenly bursts into sobs and is only consoled when Brittany whispers gently into his ear. "He was texting guys… arranging to meet them and fuck them right after he'd proposed to me… right after he'd made love to me and it's just—"

He sobs and Santana leans forward to wipe his eyes as she clicks her tongue. The anger she feels is weirder than anything. She wants to hurt Blaine because he hurt Kurt but she knows it can wait. The need to console Kurt hits her faster than the need to make Blaine feel the same pain he caused her friend.

"Did you confront him right away?" Brittany asks when he's calmed down a little.

"Yeah and I threw stuff at him," he assures them like that's important. "He tried to say they were just texts at first and that I was right during senior year when I said they were no big deal."

"That's bullshit," Brittany says before Santana can. All she can do is nod in agreement.

"Right," Kurt nods as Rachel hands him a Kleenex. "I was flirting with a guy I wasn't even interested in, talking about New York and music… I wasn't telling him how I wanted his dick in my ass again."

His sobs get louder and Brittany sends Santana a desperate look when Kurt just topples sideways and buries his head in Rachel's chest. They hold him close and Santana can't sit here anymore. She stands up and paces the room.

"I'm torn between finding him and killing him and just telling you to forget he even exists," she says in disbelief. "What else did he do?"

Rachel looks down at Kurt before speaking for him. "He had foursome with some of the Warblers… including Sebastian. He slept with Sebastian too. There was also this guy from Scandals and he's sleeping with someone from NYADA too."

"Jesus Christ…" Santana says. "And after all of this, he's still living with you. You're still sharing a bed with him while you 'think about if you want to be with him or not'?" Kurt nods. "How is that even a question you're asking yourself? You should be packing his damn bags because he is pathetic and you're one million times better than he is."

"But…" Kurt says.

"There are no buts, Kurt," Santana says. "What is he doing right now? Is he back at your apartment doing whatever he can for you to forgive him?" Kurt shakes his head woefully. "No, he's out at a bar, probably fucking other guys, and you're letting him treat you like an idiot."

Kurt nods sadly. "I know," he whispers.

"I'll give you two days to get him out of the loft," Santana says. "Or I will."

/

Blaine is still there two days later and Kurt doesn't object when Santana and Brittany arrive at the loft the day after that and give him permission to use the key to their apartment. He knows what they're here for.

He leaves and Rachel sticks behind to help Santana pack all of Blaine's crap into trash bags. Rachel tries to point out that he has suitcases but Brittany just takes them from her and tosses them out into the hall. Rachel just follows their lead after that and quietly keeps the things that Kurt might want, putting them in a box that she leaves in her room.

They're tossing the last of the bags out into the hall when Blaine arrives and they ignore him as he shouts for them to stop. He starts to take the bags back inside the loft but Santana just picks them up as he drops them inside the door and removes them again.

"How dare you!" He shouts as they keep doing that for long minutes where Blaine doesn't give up. He gets hot and bothered quickly, shouting at them to stop as they remain quiet and stoic. "What gives you the right?!" He demands. "You don't live here anymore, Santana!"

Santana struggles to remain calm but manages to keep her face stoic as she continues to toss the bags out into the hall when he brings them back in. She hopes he'll gets the message soon but he just keeps taking the bags further and further inside of the apartment. After a while, he starts to unpack them, tossing everything out onto Kurt's bed before running back out into the hall to get another bag.

Brittany starts to put everything back in the trash bag while Rachel watches, not sure what to do. It's not until Blaine, crying pathetically and sweating with the effort of his actions, shoves Santana into the bookcase that their calm is broken. Santana winces and takes a deep breath in and she's ready to kick the motherfucker's ass except when she turns around to do it, Brittany's already got him by the shoulders and is marching him backwards before shoving him into the metal door.

Her cast lifts and shoves its way into his neck, pinning him there effectively. He flails ridiculously before he begins to panic and grab at Brittany's shoulders. Rachel's already got Brittany around the waist to try and stop her but it's no good. As Santana steps up to her with wide eyes, she knows that Brittany's too strong for any of them. She's got that sure and resolute look in her eye, the same one she had when she found out that Puck had cheated on Santana, got Quinn pregnant, and had kicked him in the balls.

"It was enough that you hurt Kurt," she says through angry grit teeth and somehow still manages to sound calm. "But hurting my girlfriend? You're screwed now, buddy."

"Brittany!" Blaine pants as he grapples and pushes at her shoulders. Her entire body is pressed against him and she shakes her head at his fruitless actions. "Why are you doing this? We're friends, remember? We—we came to New York together. Britt, it was just some texts! It was just some texts and it was before Kurt and I got back together and—" Santana can see him clawing at Brittany's shoulders and as much as she wants to punch him in the face, she watches him squirm instead. It's pathetic. "Goddamn it Brittany, I'm your friend. It was me, you and Sam last year, remember?!"

Santana feels her shock grow when Brittany lets out an amused laugh. "Yeah, but some friend you are. You spent time with Sam and I but all of that time—while you were trying to win Kurt back and pretending to be my friend—you were crushing on Sam. What kind of friend does that make you? You're just lucky that I didn't care," she tells him. "You're pathetic and you're a hypocrite and neither Kurt or Rachel want you here anymore."

"You don't get to decide that," Blaine whimpers. "For God's sake, Britt. I don't have anywhere else to go."

Brittany puts pressure against his neck, before removing her arm and grabbing a handful of his shirt.

"You should have thought of that before you betrayed somebody who loved you," she says and when she shoves him out of the door and slams it closed behind him, Santana's struck dumb completely.

Brittany leans against the metal and wipes her brow with the back of her wrist as Blaine pounds on the door. Santana steps over to her and tries not to laugh as she grabs the front of the overalls that cover Brittany's body.

"Did he hurt you?" Brittany asks instantly.

Santana does laugh then, pressing her body against Brittany's before kissing her.

Rachel looks at them funny when they finally part.

"I think Santana's right," Rachel says as she puts all the moved furniture back in its place. "New York has definitely made you mean."

/

They don't tell Kurt that Brittany almost kicked Blaine's ass. Instead, they take him a change of clothing (or four) and his pajamas, and buy more liquor on the way back to their apartment.

He's already half-drunk and crying when they get there, petting a bewildered Gus as he watches musicals. Brittany, Santana and Rachel don't question it. They just shrug off their coats and pour themselves a drink before joining him.

Santana goes for a nap and then drags the three of them to work with her. Brittany's already three sheets to the wind by the time she gets there and they put on a show for the customers that's perhaps a little too R-rated. Lil doesn't really care and neither do the customers when Brittany's flashing her rainbow tattoo.

It makes Kurt a little uncomfortable but Brittany somehow manages to convince him and Rachel to go with them to get tattoos tomorrow. She waxes lyrical about how it'll signify a new beginning in his life and that he can do something brave that he never thought he could do. Rachel doesn't need much convincing because she just really wants to get a star tattoo.

Santana's not even sure if Kurt remembers who Blaine is by the time that they leave the bar. He's smiling and happy and he keeps saying thank you over and over again. Santana smiles as she tries to herd the three of them out of the bar. Brittany's lips attach themselves to her neck and Lil laughs as she locks them all out.

Somehow, she manages to get all of them back to their apartment without injury or arrest. She puts them to bed before disappearing to her own bedroom. She finds Brittany doing the most adorable drunk striptease which almost becomes a triptease when she almost falls over the shoes that are still on her feet.

Santana catches her and helps her to remove them before they end up in the hospital again. Brittany's eyes flutter and she gives her cheesiest, most ridiculous grin as Santana lays her down on the bed so that she can tug off her jeans.

"What?" Santana asks with her own little laugh.

Brittany reaches for her and Santana straddles her thighs as she unbuttons Brittany's blouse. "I'm just happy," she mumbles drunkenly, shifting to help Santana remove the fabric. "Aren't you happy?"

Santana nods slowly as she sits up to pull her dress over her head. "I'm very happy," she assures her, giggling when Brittany's hands quickly and deftly remove her bra before covering her boobs. "I'm very, very happy."

Brittany tugs her forward until she can bury her face in Santana's cleavage. Santana rolls her eyes and strokes Brittany's hair from her forehead as lazy lips kiss the tops of her breasts.

"You're not getting any," she says quietly. "You know that, right?"

Brittany's gasp of shock is almost cuter than everything else. "I'm not?!" she slurs adorably. Santana shakes her head and bites her lips. "Why not?!"

Santana reaches to pull the covers over them before leaning down to kiss her. "Because you're drunk."

"I'm just a little tipsy," Brittany assures her. "Just a little tipsy, I promise."

Santana kisses her eyebrows and down her nose to get to her cheeks. She enjoys the way that Brittany's whole face relaxes at the feel of it, her eyes fluttering sleepily as the rest of her body softens.

"You're falling asleep," Santana tells her, smiling. "I like making love to you better when you're awake."

"That's a lie," Brittany sleepy-giggles, her hand brushing her face in an attempt to stay awake. "You woke me up twice this week with your damn tongue."

Santana grins at the truth in her words and kisses her nose just because. "You asked me to," she reminds her.

"That's…not a lie," Brittany giggles. "But I promise I'm awake now," she says, even as Santana's climbing off her to curl comfortably into her side. "I promise I'm… um…"

Santana leans over her to switch off the lamp before kissing her cheek and pulling the covers up around her. Brittany nuzzles into the touch before letting out a sleepy breath.

"Go to sleep," Santana whispers against her ear.

Brittany nods and curls further into her as the sleep takes over.

/

Rachel and Kurt look nervous as Brittany leads them into a tattoo parlor the next afternoon. It was the only one with enough free appointments open and Rachel spent the whole of breakfast worrying that her skin would end up marred for life except it doesn't look too bad from the outside.

There's a short chick with smurf-blue hair that welcomes them with a smile. She sits them on a brown leather couch and offers them coffee before asking them what they were thinking of getting. Unsurprisingly, Brittany begins reeling off ideas straight away but no one else does. The girl—Celeste—hands them books to give them ideas as she leads Brittany off to introduce her to another of the artists.

Santana stands awkwardly because she knows what she wants. She's spent days thinking about it since she and Brittany discussed it. She doesn't want the same but she wants something that has meaning for them. It isn't until Pearl, a middle-aged lady with multicolored hair, is already getting transfers ready for Brittany that she speaks up. She swallows and coughs to get Celeste's attention, relaxing when the woman smiles.

"I know what I want," she whispers and Celeste doesn't say anything, just grabs some paper to start sketching.

/

It's not until forty-five minutes later that she's being led out to where Brittany's straddling the chair and getting her second tattoo of the day. She looks over at her nervously and watches for a moment as Brittany bobs her head to the music and talks animatedly to the woman holding a needle to her chest.

And it's like Brittany can feel her looking because she turns suddenly and grins when she finds her.

"Oh, Pearl," she says quickly. "This is Santana."

"Your girlfriend?" the woman says as Santana offers a wave and climbs onto the chair next to her. "Righteous. You girls are one hot ticket."

Santana chuckles as her eyes search Brittany's body. "Thank you," she chuckles as she tries to see what Pearl is doing. "What have you given her?"

Pearl smiles and Brittany quickly turns her head to show Santana the tiny little feather that curls around the back of her ear. It's cute and Santana already knows that she's going to love kissing it later. She's still grinning at that thought when Pearl moves away so that Brittany can show her the rest. Her eye drift to where Brittany's shirt is tucked under her armpits. There's something along the curve of her ribcage and when Santana leans forward to see what it is through the smudged ink on her skin, she can't help but grin hopelessly.

And I love her, is scribbled there in cursive and as she reads it, Santana's heart skips a beat.

She leans forward to kiss Brittany without thinking and Santana hears Celeste and Pearl tittering around them as she slowly pulls back. They're grinning at them and Santana's cheeks flush as Brittany licks her lips happily.

She smiles and looks at her curiously as Celeste starts to apply her transfer. Santana lifts her shirt to let her press it against her skin and watches as Brittany's eyes narrow curiously at the similar placement. When Celeste steps away, it's Brittany that sees what's left there first. Her eyes soften and Santana becomes confused when they glass over. She looks down quickly, nervously, and feels relieved at what she sees.

Because it's kind of better than she thought it would be when she finds a tiny bird—her songbird—taking flight across her skin. Brittany Susan is written perfectly beneath it and she resists the urge to run her fingers over it as Celeste returns with her equipment.

Instead, she glances up at Brittany and finds her biting her lip so that she doesn't smile too big. Santana shrugs her shoulder like it's no big deal but then panics when she hears the whir of the thing that's approaching her skin.

"Hold my hand?" she asks over Celeste's head like a little wimp.

Brittany giggles and nods quickly.

"Always," she says and tangles their fingers together.

/

She feels considerably more badass by the time that they step back over to Kurt and Rachel. Brittany's got three new tattoos and, surprisingly, so has Santana.

Along with her songbird, she has Brittany's initials on her left ring finger and a half moon on the inside of her left elbow that matches a similar one on the same place on Brittany's right. Brittany bites her lip as they show them off to their friends and they pay their bill together as Rachel tells Celeste all about the star she wants.

"A star?" Celeste asks with a frown. "Isn't that a little cliché?"

Her words make Santana and Kurt both giggle.

"You have no idea," they say and Celeste looks confused as Rachel swats at them both.

Still, Rachel leaves forty-five minutes later happily showing off the gold star she now has permanently drawn on her ankle.

She beams almost as much as Kurt who proudly shows off the musical note now etched onto his wrist.

/

There's still some small part of her that thinks that she'll wake up one morning and everything will still be the way it used to be.

Some days she wakes up and is sure that Brittany will still be in her old bed, that things will still be hard and awkward and confusing, or that Brittany won't even be here at all. There are days when she's sure that she's been dreaming, that people like her don't get second chances like this. There are still days that Santana wonders when all of this will end.

But those thoughts are usually only split seconds before she opens her eyes and finds Brittany smiling at her. They're fleeting ideas that come to her moments before Brittany wraps their bodies together so tightly that she can't even let go. Those days are also the days when she's overwhelmed.

And she gets overwhelmed about the strangest of things.

Like the small notes that Brittany leaves her in the morning, the ones that almost exactly match the ones that she puts in Brittany's lunch every day. They're usually nothing special—an 'I love you' or an 'I'll miss you' that she didn't even realize she needed, a have a good day Brittany doesn't get to wish her when Santana's too sleepy to wake up—but they make her entire day. She thinks about them when she's bored at the bar or when she's watching boring reality TV while she's waiting for Brittany to get home from school and they always make her feel overwhelmingly loved.

Then there are the silly things, like the pillow fights and the teasing games that litter their lives in sporadic childishness. They always leave her unsure whether she wants to laugh or cry because she's missed Brittany's laughter and her joy and she doesn't understand how she lived without it for so long.

It's different to when they're apart—and there's a part of her, a selfish, horrible part of her that wants to believe that Brittany's joy doesn't exist unless they're together—because Brittany smiles for no good reason now and that's Santana's favorite thing in the world. The idea that she's the cause for Brittany's uncontrollable smiles and laughter makes her feel like she's the best thing in the world. It makes her feel like she has the purpose that she sometimes isn't sure she'll ever get. Some days she feels like she never knew how to laugh like this, that maybe it should hurt to laugh this much. Instead it's a balm to the wounds left behind by everything else and her chest fills with unbridled fear when she wonders what it would be like to live without it again.

Because there are things—things that she knows she missed and things that she never realized she needed—and they're the things that she now knows she can't live without.

And she kind of gets what Brittany said before—that sometimes it's hard to search into the future and see and feel everything and know for certain. She understands that it's hard to have a feeling be your only security. It's easy to second-guess yourself and question it.

Still, she can feel the days when she feels uncertain lessening. They're distancing further apart daily and waking up to a bad feeling is nothing like having Brittany come home from school everyday and lean over the back of the couch to kiss her hello. Second-guesses are nothing in the face of Brittany smiling at her and telling her that she loves her.

So, sure, maybe her uncertainty will always be there but maybe that's just something they'll have to deal with. Maybe it's just one of the side effects of a relationship that's had to fight this hard, but it doesn't scare her. Not now. She knows that they'll always fight for this. She knows that they'll never stop fighting, no matter what anyone says or does.

And that's how she knows that she's the brave girl that Brittany fell in love with again.

That's how she knows that she's deserving.

/

"So how many jobs have you applied for?" Lil asks her one day, when she's randomly doing a day shift at the bar. It's noon and she'd rather be anywhere but here but she kind of needs the money, even if she does have to sit here all day and do nothing.

She rolls her eyes and sighs because just the mention of this subject is driving her crazy on a daily basis. Brittany's stopped asking her how it's going and she went to four interviews last week that she knows didn't go well at all. She's pretty sure that out of all the interviews she's been to in New York she's only actually liked the idea of about four of them. There have only been two that have been her dream job and she knows that it's way too late to hear about them now. And that's what makes her mad the most. She hates that she spends all this time writing resumes and cover letters and they can't even be bothered to give her a yes or no.

"Hell if I know," Santana says and shakes her head at the job advertisements in front of her. She spends so much time looking at job ads that she barely even bothers applying for most of them anymore. She knows how to figure out which ones are legit and likely and which ones are probably bogus and pointless. "Maybe I should just resign myself to being a coyote for life."

Lil stops stacking the bar and looks at her. "Not if I've got anything to do with it."

"I don't think there's anything anyone can do about it," Santana sighs. "No one wants to give me a job and I don't want to be a copy girl for some Ad agency or lawyers office because I'm not interested. It's hard to get a job in the entertainment industry and…" she sighs. "I don't know, Lil. I just feel like I'm letting everybody down."

Lil looks at her and breathes out knowingly. "And by everybody you mean Brittany."

Santana nods and laughs to stop the tears. "I promised her, two years ago, that I'd be everything she deserved, that I'd become something she could be proud of, and I'm not that person, Lil. I'm a disappointment who dances on a bar and she is the best in all her classes." Talking about it makes Santana smile. "Did you know she has people coming up to her at school and asking for her card because she's so good? And like… you totally know that in a few years from now, she's going to be some hot piece of ass photographer with her own studio and… exhibitions and she's going to have people from The New York Times asking her about her life and she's going to have to tell them that her girlfriend dropped out of college and has worked at a bar ever since."

"So?"

Santana laughs. "So that's bad. It's embarrassing and most of the time I look at her and think, shit I hit the jackpot and I want Brittany to be able to think that too."

"I'm pretty sure she thinks that anyway," Lil tells her softly. "Anyone who sees the way she looks at you would see it."

"But I can't understand it…" Santana shrugs her shoulders. "I don't understand why. I want to deserve her but I don't think I'll ever think I do."

Lil laughs and Santana stops moving when the woman wraps her arms around her. She pats the back of her head and laughs fondly. It's a little unsettling.

"Maybe that's a good thing," Lil says when she pulls back and messes up her hair. "At least it means you'll never stop trying."

It's a very small silver lining, but Santana takes it anyway.

/

"Maybe you should take a break," Kurt says to her. Brittany and Rachel went out ten minutes ago to get dinner and it's just the two of them in the living room sipping on ice-cold beers.

Santana shakes her head and adds another job application to today's pile. "I can't."

"Why?" Kurt says. "This is getting to you. It's burning you out. You barely sleep because you're always looking for new job ads or walking around the city going to interviews and I don't understand why it's so important to get a new job right now."

"It just is, Kurt," she sighs. "I've been here for almost a year and I'm still working at a bar. I haven't done anything and I gave up a perfectly good scholarship for this, you know? I gave up a sure thing for a dream and it hasn't worked out and okay, everything is great with Britt, but this is not what I imagined when I came here. This isn't what I imagined when I thought about being here with Britt either. This is not the future I want, you know? At the rate things are going, I'm going to keep working at the bar and I'll be a career bar-topper, which isn't what I want. Being with Britt again has made me realize that I don't want that."

"Why?" Kurt sighs and she can tell he thinks she's making something out of nothing.

"Because my future isn't just mine anymore," she snaps as all her papers flutter to the floor.

Kurt clicks his tongue. "You can't let being with Brittany decide everything…"

"Uh, actually, yes I can," she tells him as she picks everything up and sweeps her hair from her face. "I can do that because I want to do that. I'm going to marry her, Kurt, and we're going to have babies and a perfect house but I can't do that if I'm dancing on a bar for half the week. Maybe I don't have those responsibilities yet but one day I will and I don't want to stumble through my life promising that I'll figure it all out next year because otherwise I'm going to run out of time."

"Santana—"

"Kurt, I don't want to talk about it anymore."

When she disappears into her bedroom and slams the door, he has no other choice but to listen.

/

It's 2am on a Monday night when Brittany has the final say. She's half asleep beside her and Santana's still writing out applications and sending emails. The lamp is still on beside her and she can tell that Brittany's still awake because she keeps irritably tossing and turning.

"Santana, I have school tomorrow," Brittany reminds her and Santana swallows guiltily as she continues to work.

"I know," she whispers. "Just ten more minutes."

Brittany rolls onto her back fifteen minutes later and sighs. Santana tries not to pay attention and keeps typing until Brittany leans over and takes the computer from her. Santana doesn't even try to argue but she purses her lips as Brittany closes the laptop and puts it on the floor on her side of the bed before lying back down.

"You're worrying me," Brittany says, glancing up at her. "You're gonna make yourself sick."

Santana laughs mirthlessly and sighs. "I'm just trying to—"

"I know what you're trying to do," Brittany breathes calmly. "I've talked to Kurt and Rachel and we're worried about you. You don't have to do this. It doesn't say anything about who you are."

Santana feels the tears in her cheeks and at the back of her throat. "But it does—"

"It doesn't," Brittany sighs and she pulls on Santana's arm until Santana rolls over and buries her face into her neck. Santana instantly begins to cry quietly against her skin. "Baby, you have time. You know that, right? You don't have to know what you want to be right now. You don't even have to know in a year. I know you have all these big ideas and I love you a million times more for that but when I mentioned that I didn't like you working at the bar it was because I wanted you to see that you have the potential to do anything you want. Maybe someone hasn't seen that potential yet. Maybe you haven't even seen that potential yourself. But you have time, okay? We can work it out together. We can take as long as we need."

Santana whimpers and sighs. "But I just want the future to start now, you know? I want it all now because the more I have with you the harder it is for someone to take it away."

"Oh, honey," Brittany coos and Santana feels arms wrap tightly around her, squeezing her close. "No one is ever going to take me or anything we have away from you. Not if I have anything to do with it."

"But—"

"No buts," Brittany whispers and kisses her ear delicately before whispering into it. "You have me forever, okay? There's no changing that."

"Promise?" Santana hiccups.

Brittany pushes her back until she can cup her face and wipe away her tears. Her eyes are bright blue and sure and that's calming enough. Still, Brittany presses a gentle kiss to her lips and that softens the worry better than anything else.

"I promise," Brittany smiles and it's enough for now.

/

She stops looking for jobs and Lil cuts her Thursday night shift.

She spends most of her time watching TV on her couch and reassuring her mom that she's okay over the phone. She thinks her mom must have talked to Brittany because she keeps reminding her that she still has her graduation money and that it's more than enough to fund her life for a couple of years. Santana doesn't want to tell her mom that she's saving the money in case they need a deposit on a house someday and tells her she'll think about it.

And she kind of does. She looks through her bank statements and tries to figure out how long they can last at the level they have been before they have to start turning off all the lights and only eating ramen. They have a couple of months before she'll have to start looking for a job again but it doesn't bother her right now. She just needs a few days to rethink her strategy.

/

Except that she doesn't have to.

It's funny how life always has a weird way or working itself out.

/

The letter comes on a Tuesday morning.

She wakes up late and she knows that it's late because the sun is high in the sky and the drapes have been opened. There's a faint smell of pancakes and when she pads out into the kitchen, there's a plate of them sitting on the counter topped with a smiley face made of fruit and a note beside them.

You're so cute when you're sleepy, the note reads and Santana instantly knows that she probably mumbled something ridiculous this morning when Brittany came to kiss her goodbye. She can't remember it but, given her track record, it's probably something absolutely pathetic. She doesn't care too much; Sleepy-Santana sayings are some of Brittany's favorite things.

She eats the pancakes quickly before she showers and gets ready in her most comfortable clothes that aren't really hers at all. She wears Brittany's sweats and Brittany's NYU shirt and Brittany's cardigan that she has to keep tugging up her arms because the sleeves are too long. She piles her hair atop her head before cleaning the whole apartment.

It's not until she gets a text from Kurt that she remembers she needs to go to the grocery store and quickly heads out to get all the ingredients she needs. She promised Kurt a feast and she clicks her tongue when she gets her wallet from her purse and almost drops the prescription for her contacts that she still hasn't bothered to get. She figures it can wait and hands over more money than she wanted to as she leaves the store with her arms full of bags.

She almost doesn't stop when she reenters their building but does when she can hear Mrs. Cain on the second floor shouting at the guy that lives above her. She mills around by the hallway and eventually delves her hand into her pocket to get her mailbox key when Mrs. Cain starts another rant.

Santana takes out the few pieces of mail they have and bites the bullet before heading upstairs. As it turns out, Mrs. Cain is so into making her point that she doesn't even notice Santana or call her "the slutty-looking queer Mexican" like she usually does when she thinks Santana can't hear. Santana tosses all her groceries on the kitchen table when she gets inside and throws her coat over the back of the couch before remembering that the mail was inside her pocket.

She takes it out and flips through the cable bill and the credit card junk mail and Brittany's bank statement before she stops at a plain white envelope.

It stops her because it's not just any plain white envelope. The paper is fancy and it's weighty in her hands. Her heartbeat thuds just a little when she realizes that it's her name on the front and she forgets her groceries and making dinner in favor of tossing the other mail onto the coffee table and holding this piece in her hands.

She holds it up to the light but the paper is too thick. She can't see anything but her name on the front, printed perfectly. The seal is perfect too and she has to try really hard to open it without ripping the whole thing into pieces when she eventually pries an edge open. It sounds definitive as she pushes her finger through the tear and she's pretty sure she isn't breathing by the time she's finished.

She holds her breath the whole time it takes to pull out the pages inside and only breathes out unsteadily when she sees the letterhead and the first couple of lines.

Dear Santana, it says, At Downtown Records we take pride in new talent amongst our ranks and that is why we annually ask two young individuals who we deem to be the most deserving to join us. During your visit to our offices we were impressed by your confidence and creativity and that is why we would like to offer you a position as a junior assistant in our A&R department—

She begins hyperventilating before she can even finish the letter. Her chest begins to burn and she's reaching for her phone before she can even think about it.

She dials the number without thinking and it's not until she speaks that she realizes she's sobbing.

"You need to come home," she gasps quickly. "Please, you need to come home."

/

She's still sobbing when Brittany gets home and she grabs for Santana desperately, cold hands clutching at Santana's cheeks as she tries to get some sense out of her. Santana just keeps sobbing and it's not until Santana grins and shoves the paper at her that Brittany's panic converts into confusion.

Brittany takes the paper warily and reads it slowly. Her brow furrows as her pursed lips grow into a slow grin. It makes Santana giggle and when Brittany glances up from the letter to look at her it transforms into a full body laugh that she can control no better than the tears.

Brittany grabs for her quickly, kissing her so firmly that she feels grounded. A tongue invades her mouth and Santana lets her hands reach up to remove the wool hat from Brittany's head so that her fingers can tangle in long blonde hair. She sighs against chapped lips and Brittany tugs her until she's in her lap, until they're kissing furiously and everything's going too fast.

It's not how Santana wants this to go today and she pulls back quickly and stands up.

Brittany eyes her curiously, the letter still in her fingers as Santana's hands push the cardigan down her arms and her fingers reach for the bottom of her t-shirt. She steps backwards and Brittany's eyes follow her as Santana disappears into the bedroom, losing her clothes piece by piece.

Santana's naked by the time that Brittany appears in the doorway. The letter's still in her hands and she's wearing too many layers.

"Come here," Santana whispers seductively and Brittany's already tossing the letter onto the dresser and shrugging off her coat as she stumbles over. Santana pants out a laugh in anticipation and lets her hands begin to wander her own body. "No, come here…" she says "…and take off your pants."

/

"I didn't even know you'd applied for this," Kurt says that evening, when they're eating celebratory pizza with the champagne he'd bought for the occasion. "This is amazing, Santana."

Santana takes the letter back and laughs. "Thanks," she says, looking at it for about the millionth time. "And, I mean, it was one of the first things I applied for and I went to the interview back in like… November. I never thought I'd get it so I didn't even think about it. I didn't even really try to impress them… we kind of just talked about music."

"And now you're an A&R lady," Rachel says with a grin.

Santana smiles and laughs modestly. Brittany's hands are running up and down her naked back beneath her shirt and she guesses that Kurt and Rachel can probably tell they spent most of the afternoon making each other orgasm but they don't mention it.

"I told you that someone needed to see your potential," Brittany whispers and Santana turns to her and smiles at her words. "If you were relaxed they could probably see how brilliant you are."

She leans in to kiss Santana's clothed shoulder and Santana hums in approval before speaking.

"Is that your version of an I-told-you-so, smarty pants?" she asks.

Brittany kisses up her neck. "You're one to talk."

Santana bites her lip and momentarily forgets that their friends are in the room. When she does, she glances over at them to find them pouring over the letter and the notes that Santana had taken when she'd called to accept the position. She takes the opportunity to turn to Brittany and urge her into a deep kiss that lasts way too long to go unnoticed.

Santana's breath is labored and her cheeks are flushed when they finally pull away.

"Can we start that future now?" Santana asks as they press their noses together.

Brittany smiles and lets her eyes flutter delicately.

She kisses Santana one more time before pulling back and sucking on her bottom lip. There's a twinkle in her eye that makes Santana nervous and excited and overwhelmed all at once.

"Gladly," she whispers and all Santana can do is smile and let relief fill her chest.

/

The three of them take her shopping for new clothes and she can't stop smiling as they pick her out a power suit to wear on her first day. She tries it on and parades it around the store to impressed applause from Kurt and Rachel and bedroom eyes from Brittany.

It makes her bite her lip and when Brittany stands up and runs her hands over the shoulders of the jacket, she knows she's going to buy it.

She tries to pretend that she doesn't know that it'll be the only thing she's wearing later but Brittany doesn't look surprised when she emerges from the bedroom in it that evening. Her blue eyes slowly do a double take but then she sets her homework on the coffee table before standing and following her into the bedroom.

The jacket gets tossed to the floor mere minutes later. The heels last only a few seconds after that. Her lipstick is smudged into nothingness a few more minutes after that but the silk scarf and the tie that Santana had bought without Brittany knowing last a lot longer.

So do her glasses.

/

"Okay, everybody," Lil shouts into the crowd. "Tonight's our dearest Rosario's last night as a Coyote—" She cuts off to the shouts of disappointment and Santana smiles from her place atop the bar. "So y'all motherfuckers better get rowdy and remind her what she'll be missing!"

The crowd hollers as the music starts. Santana laughs as her fellow bar-toppers begin to dance, giggling into the song as she follows her usual routine. It's more energetic and lively than she remembers it ever being. The screams are bigger and better than she remembers hearing. She thinks that it might even be her best performance and that makes her happy because she knows she's quitting while she's ahead.

Her hair is slick to her forehead and she's sweated off most of her make-up by the time she hits the ground again. Brittany, Kurt and Rachel are whooping for her when she finally climbs off the bar and Lil grabs her around the shoulders without her realizing. She laughs and turns to hug her happily.

"Thanks, Lil," she whispers, sure that she hears the subtlest of sniffs when the arms around her tighten.

"You better make us all proud," Lil says and Santana nods. "And you better get your fine ass back here to visit us."

"Of course I will," Santana laughs. "Where else will I find the new talent in this city?"

Lil laughs and Santana squeezes her tightly before letting go.

"I mean it, Lil," she whispers with a sincerity she didn't even know she had. "Thank you."

Lil shrugs and smiles and Santana knows that's the best she's gonna get.

/

She barely sleeps the night before her first day at work. Brittany tries to stay awake with her as much as she can, her arms wrapped tightly around Santana's body like that might help. It does but not enough to calm down Santana's frantic brain long enough.

She's awake long before she needs to be but it doesn't matter. She stays in Brittany's embrace and strokes her fingers over the backs of Brittany's hands. It makes her stir after a while and Brittany not so stealthily breathes in the smell of her hair before greeting her.

"Hi," she whispers. "Did you sleep at all?"

Santana shrugs. "Little bit. Not much."

Brittany squeezes her tighter and smiles against the back of her shoulder. "You'll be great."

Santana smiles but can't fight the thick lump of sickly nerves that lodges in her throat. "I'm just nervous," she whispers. "I can't help it."

It's not as shocking as it used to be when Brittany forces her onto her back and climbs over her. Long legs straddle her and Santana feels herself calm at the familiarity and comfort. She takes a deep breath in and lets her hands fall to Brittany's thighs. Her nails dig in and she can feel her whole body buzzing in the worst way.

"You're shaking," Brittany whispers and Santana nods, the nerves suddenly overwhelming her to the point where she thinks she might burst into tears.

She gasps out desperately. "What if I suck? What if they hate me?" she breathes before swallowing anxiously. "What if I fuck it up?"

When she looks up at her, Brittany's looking at her strangely, like she's the best thing she's ever seen, like she's never been more content than in this moment. Her eyes are slow and soft. Her eyelids flutter open and closed like she's sleepy but somehow wide-awake. Her smile is lazy and effortless. Santana wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even know she was doing it. It makes her feel relaxed in a way that she can't understand and she closes her eyes the second that Brittany's head dips down so that their lips brush together.

She kisses her lazily, well practiced and easy. Santana's brain switches off instantly, processing nothing that doesn't relate to Brittany or what she's doing. A firm hand cups Santana's jaw and there's a new ferocity to Brittany's kiss. It's never felt so sure and grounding and Santana lets her body soften as Brittany takes control.

She's warm and relaxed by the time that Brittany pulls back. The only thing she can feel is the slow thud of the blood that rushes through her ears like it usually does.

"What are you doing?" Santana whispers as Brittany begins to press kisses all over her face. The hand on her cheek turns into fingertips mapping out the shapes of her features, following the pattern that Brittany's mouth makes.

"Kissing you," Brittany whispers against her eyebrow. The fingers of her other hand clumsily reach for Santana's t-shirt beneath the covers and lift it up as the path of kisses starts down her neck.

Once her breasts are freed from beneath the shirt, Santana breathes in sharply as Brittany's fingers reach down for the waistband of the underwear she wears. Her head rolls to the side as Brittany finds that spot on her neck, the one she always forgets about, and laves her tongue over it enough to make her quiver but not enough to leave a mark.

"What are you doing now?" Santana breathes as Brittany rests her fingers beneath the front of her underwear. The scratch of her cast is irritating but she's too worked up to care.

The hand disappears, the lips and fingers pull away, and Santana's eyes open to find Brittany staring down at her in that same way.

"I'm making love to you," Brittany whispers as she presses a peck against Santana's chin. "Or, at least, I will be."

Santana smiles despite herself. "Is that so?"

Brittany doesn't smile back.

"Yes," she says as a hand slowly disappears beneath the covers. "It is."

And as Brittany slowly strokes through her, her lips beginning to trail down her body, Santana feels herself forget anything else.

/

"You sure you don't want me to walk you there?" Brittany says as they say goodbye outside the subway station. "I wouldn't mind."

Santana shakes her head. "I'm not expected there until nine and you have class. I don't want you to miss it."

Brittany holds her hand and plays with her fingers. "I know but…" She purses her lips. "What if you get upset and freak out and need me?"

Santana smiles and leans forward to kiss her for her kindness. "I won't," she whispers. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Brittany asks, worrying her lip between her teeth. "Will you call me if you need me? I'm only going to be in the lab, so…"

"I'll be fine," Santana whispers. "I promise."

And with Brittany's kiss goodbye and her whispered "I love you", Santana knows she's telling the truth.

/

"How was it?" Brittany asks her the second she gets inside the apartment that night.

It's way past eight and she's tired and hungry. She's glad that she can smell some kind of food waiting for her and practically dies from happiness on the spot when she looks up and sees Brittany waiting for her on the couch with Chinese and a glass of wine.

Instead of answering, she just smiles and kicks off her heels. "We're drinking red?" she questions as she shrugs off her coat and jacket.

Brittany smiles despite her lack of answer. "We're grown ups now."

"But we hate red wine," Santana says as she tugs her shirt from her skirt and flops down beside her. "We only drink it when Kurt makes us."

Brittany smiles and leans down over the arm of the couch before quickly pulling out two beers. Santana smiles and lets her eyes flutter behind her glasses as Brittany uncaps one and hands it to her.

"You're a keeper," Santana tells her jokingly before leaning in to kiss her. Brittany smiles cutely and studies her face. Santana lets her, knowing she's looking for signs of upset or sadness, before speaking. "It was awesome," she whispers as quietly as she can because she doesn't want to jinx it too quickly. "I think I love it already."

The concern on Brittany's face transforms quickly into a relieved smile. "Yeah?" she whispers just as quietly. "That's great."

Santana leans up to kiss her again. Her body feels heavy and she groans softly.

"I'm exhausted," she whispers and Brittany giggles knowingly, like she's stating the most obvious thing in the world. A hand comes up to cup her jaw, a thumb stroking around her eyes and soothing the tension. It makes Santana feel overwhelmed quicker than she can anticipate and her eyes glaze over in a mix of panic and excitement. Brittany's grip on her cheek tightens as she sees it. "It's all becoming real," Santana says in awe as she realizes how true the words are. "All of it."

The words make Brittany smile and when she kisses her the next time, it feels old and new at once.

/

A week into her new job, Santana's pretty sure that her life is as perfect as she could hope for it to be right now.

She has a job and Brittany's doing well at school. Rachel and Kurt are happy and they're all healthy. She still gets to have her Tuesday night movie nights and she no longer works the weekends unless she's going to see new possible artists that her boss asks her to. It's not exactly a bad thing; not when she's getting free tickets to see awesome bands. She gets to take Brittany, Kurt and Rachel with her but there are better perks to being in the music business. Sure, there are freebies and all that stuff but mostly she likes how people look at her differently to when she was half-naked on a bar.

She has respect and people smile at her like they're impressed by more than just what she looks like when she tells them who she is. She went to see a band near Brittany's school the other night and Brittany met her there with some friends. She'd never met them before and it felt good when they asked Santana what she did only for Brittany to wrap her arms around her and tell them proudly.

And, sure, they might have been impressed if Brittany had told them that she was a dancer at Coyote Ugly but she knows it wouldn't have made her feel like this.

She kind of feels like it can't get much better than this. At least, not right now, not at this point in their lives. She feels like they're on their way and they're getting there. She caught Brittany clicking on an online ad for a joint bank account the other day and, while she didn't mention she'd seen it, she spent the whole next day walking around with the biggest smile on her face.

Coming home everyday to find Brittany waiting for her on the couch with Tubbs in her lap and Gus laid across her chest makes her feel like other, bigger things aren't a far reach away. What they have has become her normal and that realization makes her feel less terrified than she thought it would.

She feels lucky and, as she comes home and kisses Brittany hello, everything feels too right to question.

/

She only starts to worry when she comes home for the third day in a row to find the apartment empty.

She checks her phone just like she did the past two days and finds the same 'Still at school. Be home late x' message she's already received twice before. It makes her sigh and when she sees that it's almost nine, it makes a million things start running through her head.

She gets a beer and goes through work stuff, barely looking at it or watching the TV that she stares at blankly. It's almost eleven by the time that Brittany comes home, quietly entering the apartment and kissing her on the forehead before going to the bathroom.

Santana hopes that she won't do what she did the past two nights but when Brittany exits the bathroom with a clean face and minty breath, she knows what comes next.

"I'm tired," she smiles sweetly but it unsettles Santana. "I'm going to bed."

Santana nods in understanding regardless of the worry in her gut and watches her disappear into the bedroom. She sits on the couch stewing in her worry for half an hour before she follows and when she gets there, Brittany's fast asleep.

The only thing that makes her feel better is that Brittany's arm reaches out across the mattress, searching for her.

And when she climbs into bed, Santana clutches at that arm like it's the only thing she has.

/

Brittany doesn't come home until almost eleven for a whole week and spends the weekend working on school stuff in her old bedroom. She tells Santana that whatever she's working on is due on Monday but by Wednesday she's still not coming home until late.

On Thursday, when she gets the usual text from Brittany, she's glad that she has a show to go and see. She gets there and doesn't take off her coat, instead standing in the balcony of the venue making notes in the leather binder than Kurt bought her. People try to buy her drinks but she doesn't take them. The show ends at half eleven and she climbs into a cab.

Brittany's fast asleep by the time she gets inside and when her arm curls around Santana's waist when she climbs in beside her, it doesn't feel as good as it should.

/

On Friday, she doesn't wait for Brittany's text and turns off her phone at seven when the people in her department ask her if she's coming for a drink. They've asked her every Friday since she started and she felt bad turning them down when she chose to go home instead. She figures that this is the best way to stop insulting her colleagues and hide from what scares her at home so she nods when they ask and follows them to the bar down the street.

They order her a drink and when she takes a sip she isn't sure what it is but it's okay. She drinks it slowly, swirling the straw around it wistfully as she rests her chin in her palm. The guys in her department are loud and talk about sports. The women talk about men. She feels left out and wishes they were talking about work because she always feels on the same level when they do that.

She looks around her and wonders what Brittany would think of this fancy bar she's in. She can already imagine all the jokes she'd be making about everyone and it makes her smile and feel a longing that she thought she'd forgot. It makes her stomach and her chest hurt and she suddenly wishes that she were at home, waiting for Brittany.

She thinks she would rather wait for Brittany than waste anymore time doing something else. She doesn't even bother draining the rest of her drink and apologizes to her colleagues before exiting the bar.

She walks to the subway and checks her watch to see that it's only nine-thirty. By the time she gets home, she won't have to wait that long for Brittany to get back and that thought makes her feel a little bit better. She walks slowly to kill time and closes her eyes on the short train journey home. She stops off at Mr. Broadsky's to get some candy and he doesn't say anything to her, which says more than she wants it to. She walks slowly up the stairs, weighed down by the longing that she realizes more now than she has all week. By the time she gets to the front door, she almost doesn't want to go in and she takes a deep breath as she puts her key in the lock.

It's a deep breath that turns into a gasp the minute she opens the door. And as she pushes it wider, she realizes that she doesn't want to be anywhere else.

/

She's never seen anything else like it.

She's never imagined anything else like it.

Her breath begins to labor as she takes an unsteady step inside of the apartment and she presses a hand to base of her chest as she closes the door behind her. Her eyes widen and she knows that they are probably shining. The sheer amount of white and blue fairy lights that have been strung up around the room makes it impossible for them not to. She takes it all in and feels all the worry that's overwhelmed her for the past two weeks transform into nervous panic.

She doesn't know what to think as she looks around her because if she didn't know any better, she'd think she'd walked into the twilight zone. Her apartment doesn't look like her apartment anymore. Things have been moved, furniture taken somewhere else to make room for more space for what lingers in the middle of the room.

It makes her breath catch and she claws her hands into the fabric at the top of her dress as she tries not to burst into tears. A bed, made with quilts and pillows sits in the middle of the room where their couches used to be. Beside it, a champagne bottle sits on ice beside a steaming pan of mac and cheese. Two empty plates sit with two empty champagne flutes and Santana looks away from it to admire the thing that overwhelms her most because she's never seen anything like it.

Well, she has but not like this. She's used to seeing sheets of Brittany's photographic paper hanging on a piece of string across their bathroom, the black and white photographs drying out slowly and making their apartment smell like chemicals. Except the apartment doesn't smell like chemicals and she's not sure that most of these pieces of photographic paper—these pieces of paper that perfectly wallpaper every single wall and surface in their apartment from top to bottom—technically count as photographs.

From the little she knows about turning film into photographs, she knows that they probably weren't made the same way. They don't actually show anything; they're just over-exposed black boxes with words on them. Some of them are photographs—mostly of Santana—but they still have the words on them.

They all have words on them and it's not until Santana takes a nervous step closer that she realizes what all these words are.

Her heart instantly skips a beat and she gasps brokenly, too shocked to even cry.

Her head shakes hopelessly and she turns her head back to look around her, to soak in the unbridled love that she feels as she realizes what all these different pieces of paper are here to tell her. The sheer amount and enormity of how many there are makes her feel like she needs to sit down, except she can't because she has to read all of them.

She has to know what they say… just like she did the last time.

Except this time, she really, really hopes that Brittany didn't run out of paper.

She wonders if Brittany found her box—the box of all things Brittany—hidden in the bottom of her nightstand. She doesn't know if she wants her to have or not because she'd be lying if she said those pieces of paper didn't get her through some of the hardest times of her life. Those reasons, those innocent and beautiful reasons, kept her going when she was convinced that she was all alone in the world. They reminded her that there was someone out there who, for even just a while, had loved all the most miniscule and ridiculous things about her. She practically knows them by heart now and as she looks around her, she knows that these are all new.

Because No. 983: She's the best little big spoon on the whole planet makes her cheeks flush with pink embarrassment.

Because No. 1459: She's braver than she thinks, makes her heart skip a beat.

Because No. 2621: Sometimes the thought of her is the only thing that makes me feel safe enough to sleep, makes the things that keep Santana upright start to crumble before No. 577: She bought me penguin panties makes her laugh out loud.

The tears rush down her cheeks without her even knowing and she presses her hand against the wall to steady herself as her vision blurs. She takes one last look around her before closing her eyes and letting a few quiet sobs leave her.

It's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

"I thought you'd like that one," she hears whispered from somewhere to her right a few moments later and she reaches up to brush the tears away as she turns around to find its source.

Her breath is taken from her all over again when she eventually finds Brittany standing there watching her from the doorway of their bedroom. It catches in her throat when she sees that Brittany's wearing her dark blue dress from two New Year's Eves ago, that her bright blond hair is curling around her face in the most gorgeous waves.

It instantly forces her to take back her previous thought because Brittany is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

And it's not until she sees the small robin's egg blue box in Brittany's hands that everything starts to make sense. Her breath gasps from her and she shakes her head desperately until it all becomes too much. She feels her legs begin to crumble and then Brittany's there, rushing to her and softening the blow as they both fall to their knees.

"Britt—" She pants, a hand to her chest as she just keeps crying. Brittany's nervous hands wipe away the tears as worried eyes never leave her.

"Please stop crying," She whispers. "I can't do this if you're crying. Please don't cry. I want you to be happy."

Santana looks at her and sucks in deep, desperate breaths as thumbs wipe at her cheeks.

"Britt Britt—" she gasps and Brittany doesn't say anything, she just keeps wiping away her tears until Santana slowly begins to calm down. Brittany looks terrified and Santana reaches up to clutch desperately at her hips. "Britt, what are you doing? I don't understand."

Brittany nervously worries her bottom lip before she speaks.

"Did you know," she starts in a whisper, "that I've been in love with you since I was twelve years old?"

The words make Santana stop because suddenly all she wants to do is listen.

Brittany presses her thumbs over Santana's cheek like a nervous habit, like if she stops something might explode. She swallows nervously.

"I can still remember the day that I realized it," Brittany says with a sure nod. "I was twelve years old and we were in my backyard, in my tree house, and you held my hand for no reason and it was like you'd brought me to life. It felt like I'd never felt anything else before you and I didn't know what it meant for days and days until you did it again and you smiled at me and I just knew. I knew what it meant but I wasn't sure so I started writing down all these reasons why it could be what I thought it was and then I just never stopped."

Brittany's eyes glass over with tears and Santana bites her lip to stop herself from sobbing again.

"At first it was just a way to figure out what was going on," Brittany shrugs. "If you used to sit in the back row in Glee club and count my smiles then you need to know that I'd sit on the back row and list all the reasons I loved you…" she trails off as she breathes away the tears. "The more distant you were, the more reasons I had. When I was with Artie I used to sit there for hours after I'd spent time with him and just write reasons why I loved you more. When we were secret, I used to write reasons because you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I couldn't tell anyone… so I wrote it down."

Santana grips at her waist tighter and moves closer.

"I thought we'd be a secret forever," Brittany gasps as she fights away the tears. "But you were better than I ever thought you'd be. You are better than any dream I've ever had and even though I thought I'd stop once everybody knew about us, I couldn't. You were—are—always in my head. And nobody else gets it, you know?" Santana nods quickly and Brittany smiles. "So I kept writing them down and I showed you some and maybe I stopped for a while but, when you broke us up, writing down the reasons why I loved you was the only way I could stop myself from hating you."

She chokes out a laugh that sounds more like a sob.

"But it just made me love you more," she says quietly. "It made me realize that I'll never meet another person in my life who will make me feel as whole and wonderful as you do and I'm not scared anymore." She shakes her head. "I'm not scared of losing you or of you leaving me or any of that stuff because I know in my heart that we will always find our way back to each other. I know that I will love you until the day my soul leaves my body and I hope to God that I'll even love you a long, long time after that."

Santana can't help the tears then, not when thick streams roll silently down Brittany's cheeks too.

"And this is not about sex or gender or labels or any of that bullshit," Brittany cries softly. "It's about the fact that you are the only person in the entire world that I want to be with. It's about the fact that you are the only person in the entire world that makes me feel safe and loved unconditionally. It's about the fact that you are my family. And it's about the fact that I know that I'm the person who can love you and take care of you better than anyone else can."

Santana can't stop herself from reaching up to take Brittany's face then. She cradles it gently and looks at her without the hope and need she expected to feel. All she has is patience and she lets Brittany's tears soak into her skin as Brittany speaks.

"And if you really want to know why I'm doing this," Brittany whispers. "It's because I was sitting there two weeks ago thinking about the fact that you never think you're good enough. You're always going to think you aren't good enough and I think I was waiting for that to change before I did this but then I realized that it's never going to change unless I do. So that's why I'm doing this."

Santana starts to panic a little when Brittany lets go and reaches between them to where the discarded robin's egg blue box sits between them. She undoes the white ribbon and lifts off the top to reveal the black velvet box inside it. Her heart starts to thud in her chest as Brittany holds the box between them. She swallows nervously as she looks back up at Santana.

"Two years ago, I told you I wanted to buy you a ring but that I didn't because I was scared," Brittany whispers. "I told you that you deserved it because of everything you'd been through and I think that was wrong. What I should have told you was that you deserved it because you are the most wonderful person I know. I could spend all day trying to tell you why but it still wouldn't be enough. I could tell you all the reasons why I love you but none of them would matter because I just do, Santana. I just love you and that's it."

"Britt—" Santana whimpers when Brittany slowly opens the box to reveal what's inside. The fairy lights instantly make it twinkle and Santana tries not to gasp as her eyes turn back to Brittany's blue ones. She can see it reflecting in them.

"You say you're not a diamond, but you are, baby," Brittany whispers. "And when I woke up two weeks ago and realized that you're never going to think you're good enough I also realized that I couldn't wake up another day without asking you something…" She laughs then and it makes Santana shake. "I did because I wanted this to be special. I didn't want to blurt it out and ask you while you were panicking or while we were making love… I didn't think it would be a story our parents would appreciate."

That makes Santana laugh and she's surprised to feel herself start to breathe steadier, to calm down and resign herself to the fact that this is happening and that there's going to be no turning back after this.

"And while I could have just blurted it out, I wouldn't have been able to tell you all these things that might help a little bit," Brittany says and Santana smiles even as her cheeks go a little pink. "I wouldn't have been able to tell you that you're not the only person in the world that sometimes thinks they aren't good enough. Everyone does. I do. I still sometimes turn to you and wonder how I got so lucky. Sometimes I struggle really hard and I wonder how I could ever possibly deserve you. But that's not the point, is it? Love isn't really about deserving each other. It's about wanting each other despite all the faults and the fears. It's about knowing that what other people think doesn't matter."

Santana takes a glance down into the box and sighs. "Britt, can you just—"

"Santana Marie Lopez," Brittany cuts straight through her and when Santana looks up at her she's grinning. A hand cups her cheek again and Brittany shuffles closer. A thumb swipes over Santana's bottom lip and Brittany sighs quietly. "Santana Marie Lopez," she says much, much quieter, like she's not saying her name, but a prayer. "Will you marry me?"

The words do little more than make Santana smile and she shuffles closer until she can wrap her arms around Brittany's waist. "I thought you were already marrying me," she whispers.

Brittany smiles and their noses press together. "I think you're missing the point, right now," she says. "I'm trying to make a grand romantic gesture."

Santana giggles and her smile falls a little in curiosity. "This is what you've been doing the past two weeks? Planning this?"

Brittany's cheeks pink and she shrugs quickly and guiltily. "I knew I'd do it before I had everything ready if we spent too much time together. I wanted it to be perfect."

"Well, you scared me," Santana says, nudging her head back. "Don't do that again."

Brittany smiles. "I guess we're even then."

"Not until you buy me a kitten," Santana challenges until Brittany quickly clears the space between them and kisses her desperately. Santana loses all her breath and she gasps into Brittany's mouth, wishing the makeshift bed were just a little bit closer.

When Brittany pulls back, a hand is in her hair and Brittany's holding the ring between them. "Will a ring do?" she whispers.

As Santana looks down at it, she can just catch sight of something etched inside of the band. As Brittany toys it in her fingers, she can just about make sense of what it says.

Brittany Susan, she reads and Santana feels a question rise in her mouth before she can stop it.

"Where's your last name?" she asks.

Brittany's eyes sparkle and they both already know the answer.

"Pierce might not always be my last name," she whispers and it sounds so good that Santana can't stop herself.

She kisses Brittany quickly, hands bracing her face as one of Brittany's arms wraps around her waist to steady her. Santana doesn't know why but it feels better than any kiss they've ever shared. She whimpers into Brittany's mouth and doesn't understand how they find themselves on their feet when they break apart. They're the same height because of Santana's heels and she pauses to kiss Brittany's nose before she pulls back.

Brittany looks punch-drunk and dizzy. Her eyes flutter and she sucks on her bottom lip before speaking.

"Is that a yes?" she asks dreamily.

Santana kisses her again, slower this time and struggled through their wide smiles. "What do you think?"

"I think I've always wanted to hear you say 'yes'," Brittany admits in a laugh.

Santana brushes back her hair and gets that feeling again, the one that makes her feel like Brittany's never going to stop surprising her. It doesn't scare her. In fact, it makes her all kinds of excited.

"Then yes," she whispers.

Brittany's smile is wide and bright. When she pushes the ring onto Santana's finger, Santana barely notices because Brittany's never looked so beautiful. She kisses her slowly and wonders how they must look, standing here in this room filled with photographs and fairy lights. She wonders what people will think when they tell them, if they'll understand. She wonders if they'll get it. She hopes they won't because this isn't something she wants to share. It's theirs and it'll be theirs forever.

"Do you want to dance?" Santana asks because she can't think of anything else that would make this better than the pair of them stood in this room in pretty dresses, dancing. It makes her think of the future, of their future, that's coming towards them quicker than they could have ever hoped for.

Brittany rests their foreheads together and smiles. "There isn't any music."

Santana bites her lip before giggling softly. "Then you better sing to me," she says.

Brittany's smile softens as she takes her hand and holds it between their chests. Their arms wrap around each other and she begins to move them slowly on the spot as Santana patiently waits for Brittany to begin singing.

"I give her all my love…" she whispers so only Santana can hear. "That's all I do… and if you saw my love… you'd love her too…"

"I love her," they both finish at the same time.

And in that moment, as they're dancing to a rhythm that's all their own, that's how Santana knows.

This is her life. This is her home. And it will be forever.