Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or any of its characters.

A/N: So, yes, I'll eventually get back to the HP fics I'm writing, but to be honest, trolls really kill plot bunnies. Anyway, this is shameless, shameless fluff. Cloyingly so. I'm not usually one to write it, but I'm feeling jaded and wanted to cheer myself up. So, enjoy!

It was nearly morning when Jack's mobile woke him. The ringtone told him it was his lover and he felt a moment of terror that always accompanied a phone call in the middle of the night. "Hello?"

"I just wanted you to know, that if you died...for real" Ianto's words were slurred. "That I would stalk and kill Gwen for you."

Jack wanted to laugh, but his darling Welshman sounded so earnest. "You think Gwen's gonna kill me?"

"What? No," Ianto made a dismissive sound. "No, if anybody does it."

"If anyone kills me, you'll stalk and kill Gwen?"

A sleepy murmur is his only answer.

"Why?"

"Like the Nostr'vites. And swans."

If this is how Ianto always behaved while drunk, Jack intended to provide a steady supply of alcohol. "Swans?"

"Yeah. Swans. The birds. The pretty ones," Ianto laughed. "Mate for life, you know, and if one gets killed, they do that thing."

"What thing, Ianto?" Jack's ribs were beginning to hurt from holding back laughter.

"Oh, like Gwen's wedding. Preten' to be mums in ugly ol' hats and eat people. As revenge."

God, he sounded so solemn. And so cute. "Sweetheart, I don't think swans do that."

"Yeah, they do. I saw it on Discovery Channel once. Swans definitely mate for life."

"No, the other bit, about eating people and pretending to be mums."

"Oh. Maybe tha's just the Notr'vites, then. But I would. I'd kill them. 'Cause...'cause I mate for life, too."

"Like swans."

"Yeah, like swans."

The Rift alert bathed his bunker in its flashing red lights. "Ianto, I have to go. You should sleep it off, yeah? And...I love you, too."

Thanks for reading!