Jacob's Baka Day, a mass effect fanfic

Jacob's Big Plan

"997, 998, 999, 1000." Jacob sprang to his feet after completing his third set of crunches for the day and set about jogging down to the mess. He need to keep his heart rate up, but he also needed some more protein to fuel is impressive body. He flexed his muscles as he went, nodding in satisfaction. This was one fine body.

As he got off the elevator, Jacob paused for a moment to admire his own face in the shiny paneling. Damn, but he looked fine.

"... Well what about Taylor? He's pretty impressive physically." Kelly Chambers offered.

Mirada's voice answered. "Yeah, sure, but the man has zero personality. We dated, but it was like talking to krogan. He's literally just a walking pile of muscles. Now Joker, there's a man I would go on a date with, if he could ever leave his chair. Witty, charming, and sensitive."

I'm sensitive too. Jacob thought to himself, crouching down to continue to listen in on Kelly and Miranda as they talked.

"Well, obviously I wouldn't be going after Taylor for his personality," Kelly replied. "The man's about as interesting to talk to as a brick. It's all about body building, weapons, and the mission. At least Shepard has cool stories and can make you laugh. But that body..."

Damn right, I earned it too. Jacob proudly thought, flexing his arms for himself.

"Sure, if you're in it for just the candy portion. But he's just as interesting in bed as he is in conversation."

"What about what he's got in his pants?"

"Let's just say that you can grow some muscles, but not the one you really want to."

Jacob glanced down at Lil' Jake and frowned. He didn't think Lil' Jake was that, well, little...

"Maybe someday he'll do something interesting enough to be worth our time. Oh well, nice talking with you Miranda, time to go check Shepard's messages again."

Jacob quickly stood and casually walked in, nodding to the two woman, who for some reason screwed their faces up like they were having bad gas. "Gardner at it again?" He asked casually.

"Um, yeah. Sure." Kelly answered, breezing past Jacob.

He nodded, and continued on in. Beans had lots of protein, so they were good for him anyway.

On the elevator, Kelly couldn't stand it anymore and burst out laughing. "Oh man, did you see him duck down like that? You were right, he IS like clockwork!"

"I did, that was hilarious!" Miranda guffawed. "I even heard a whimper when I started talking about 'Lil' Jake!' Can you believe that's what he actually calls it? The man's so boring he not only named his penis, but he actually gave it the same name as him! Normally I wouldn't agree to something like this Kelly, but really, Jacob's life could use some spicing up."

"I agree, and after all, it is April 1st. Time to let our hair down a bit."

"True. And speaking of April 1st, I have this wonderful idea about what we can do to Jack..."

Back down in the mess, Jacob was peering sadly into his bowl of beans. "Gardner, do you think I'm boring?"

"Huh? Boring? Hey, I worked hard on those!"

"No, not the beans. Me. Do you think I'm boring?"

"Uh, I dunno. What do you do, besides work out and train, I mean."

Jacob had to think hard about that one. "I maintain the armory."

"Right, right, I mean besides your job. What do you do for fun?"

"Work out."

"And?"

"Um, that's about it."

"Seriously? You have to have some other hobbies. I mean Christ, even Shepard paints those little ships, Jack writes poetry, Samara reads great works of literature, Grunt colors those pictures, and Miranda plots the downfall of several third galaxy planets."

"Really? Miranda plots?"

"You really are boring. I was kidding, I have no idea what Ms. Lawson does in her spare time, and I do not wish to find out. I have a feeling it involves torturing small cute things though."

"Huh. What do you think I could do to be not boring?"

Gardner stared hard at Jacob for a moment, and Jacob stared right back, trying to make his gaze intent. So he squinted a little, sort of like a cowboy in the old westerns he used to watch.

"You got gas Taylor?"

"No, just trying to be more interesting."

"Well you look like you just got gas. Hey, if you want to be interesting, try finding something new. You're in here at the same time every day, you do the same workout every day, and you listen to the same damn workout mix every day. Do something a little different."

"Different..." Jacob screwed up his face in concentration, trying to come up with something different he could do. "I could try adding a new song to my work out mix, or doing my pull ups BEFORE I do my sit ups."

"Oh sweet merciful heaven, is that really what you call interesting Jacob me boy?" A sad looking Ken Donnelly slid into the seat across from Jacob, and a moment later Gabby joined them.

"Well yeah, I mean, I got to mix things up a bit. Try something new, right?"

Ken and Gabby exchanged looks. "What brought this sudden desire for newness on, Jacob?" Gabby asked. "Don't tell me you fell for Kelly and Miranda's little gag.

"Huh?" Jacob looked between the two engineers, and Ken shrugged.

"Don't look at me, my tepid friend. I know nothing about it."

"You wouldn't, do you two even know what day it is?" Gabby demanded.

"Um, Friday?" Jacob guessed.

"I have no idea. Hey, Jacob, want a pen?" The engineer passed Taylor a rather nice looking old school fountain pen, which he experimentally clicked, only to have a sudden shock jolt his arm.

Dropping the pen in shock, Jacob glared accusingly at Ken. "Ow!"

Ken just laughed and reached down to pick up his fallen pen. "Oh come on Gabby, you don't think I wouldn't know what today is? Every true engineer longs for today, when they are free to pull whatever shenanigans they want. EDI nixed the core vent drill though."

"What's so special about a Friday?" Jacob asked, puzzled.

"It's the date," Gabby answered, rolling her eyes. "It's April 1st."

"I knew that." Jacob pouted. "What does that mean?"

"You mean you really don't know?" Ken asked, his eyes lighting up with a strange, disturbing malevolence.

"Um, no," Jacob answered. "How does this help me become less boring?"

Reaching across the table Ken took Jacob in a tight hug, stretching on arm out in front of Jacob's face. "Ah, Jacob, today is the day we make you the most interesting man on the Normandy. Trust me, I have a plan that will totally revolutionize you for the entire crew."

"Will it get Miranda and Kelly to stop thinking I'm boring?" Jacob asked as Ken stood him up and walked the two of them toward the elevator.

The laughter that came out of Ken sounded far more evil then jovial. "Oh, by the time we're done, no one on this ship will dare think of Jacob Taylor as boring. Rest assured of that my friend."

Down in the cargo bay, Ken was going through his personal looker and passing various things to Jacob. "I don't understand, why do you have a giant purple hat in here? Or a gold and zebra striped jacket with platform shoes filled with water? What does all of this have to do with anything?"

"You wanted to be interesting, right Jacob? Well, the first place to start is your casual wear. You have on the same clothes in the armory as you do on the battlefield. You even sleep in them."

"It's efficient, I have two spares. Saves the ship on laundry, and space onboard ship is at a premium. How did you get all this stuff, anyway?"

"He made a deal with me." A sultry voice said from behind Jacob, and he whirled, nearly dropping the cane in the shape of a flamingo. "Ken, EDI and I have been making plans for April First for MONTHS. But when EDI alerted me to your little emergency, well, let's just say some things are too good to pass up."

"Kasumi?" Jacob asked. "You got all this stuff? And what do you mean, planning for April First for months?"

"It's a Japanese holiday." Ken explained, wrestling out a pair of the most ridiculous pink glasses, they were nearly as big as Jacobs head, from the locker. "EDI and I were going to help Kasumi celebrate it. You know, to make her feel more comfortable aboard the Normandy."

"We call it Baka Day." Kasumi answered, putting a hand to her mouth and surprising what Jacob figured was a cough. "And I think you are the perfect candidate for the best Baka Day celebration ever, Mr. Taylor. Now quick, strip and change into the Baka Day costume. We're going to have to teach you the traditional dance and song."

"Right here?" Jacob asked, glancing around. "Can't I go back to the men's quarters first?"

"There's no time for that! Quick, into the Baka suit!"

In a few moments, Jacob had stripped down and put on what Kasumi and Ken assured him were the traditional Baka day wear. "I look ridiculous. Why aren't the two of you in costume?"

"Oh, I've got a costume to put on myself." Kasumi assured Jacob. "But you have on Ken's piece. You need it more than him, I think."

Rubbing his chin, Ken nodded. "And I think he brings a certain authenticity to the role. It takes a very special kind of man to be able to wear a giant purple baka hat, have a pink flamingo baka cane, wear the gold and zebra baka jacket with the matching sliver and leopard skin baka cape. And not just anyone could pull off the flame decal baka parachute pants, or walk on the clear live goldfish baka platform shoes!"

"Hmm, I guess you are right. You're way to pale to pull this off Donnelley." Jacob agreed, admiring the way the clothes showed off his six pack.

"I think I would have managed." Ken answered, and then both he and Kasumi launched into one of the longest and most intense sneezing fits Jacob had ever seen. He didn't mind though, he was too busy flexing and posing for the lockers reflective surface.

"Damn, I do look fine in this." Jacob muttered to himself.

"EDI, please tell me you are recording this." Ken said in-between enormous sneezes."

"I am capturing all of this and forwarding copies to you and Ms. Goto's private accounts. For cultural significance." EDI's voice answered.

"Good, then we can show everyone Jacob Taylor is not boring." Jacob agreed. For some reason, that made Ken and Kasumi sneeze all the harder.

Commander Shepard was having a pretty good day. He had just put the finishing touches on his model of the Destiny Ascension, and had popped down to the bridge to check his messages.

"Shepard, something's going on." Tali's voice said from his omnitool.

"What is it Tali?" Shepard asked, putting Tali through to vid com.

"I'm not sure, but Ken and Kasumi are doing something to Jacob. They've got him in the most ridiculous outfit I think I have ever seen down in the cargo bay."

"Do you think I need to check it out?" Shepard asked, frowning.

Tali hesitated for a moment, glancing behind her. "That's strange, they appear to have left..."

"Attention, will all personal currently not engaged in critical tasks please report to the bridge." EDI's voice echoed through the ship. "We have a special cultural presentation on behalf of Goto and Donnelly Productions, with special help from the Most Interesting Man in the world, Jacob Taylor."

"Oh man, I have got to see this."

Shepard turned to see Joker hobbling toward the elevator, an enormous grin on his face. Turning back to Tali, Shepard frowned. "Never mind. You had better get up here Tali, if something goes down, I want you here. I'm paging Garrus as well."

"Now remember what we taught you." Ken cautioned Jacob as the elevator rose towards the bridge.

"Man, I told you. Got a perfect memory. Plus Kasumi uploaded it to my omnitool, I can play the tune right in my head. You sure you're OK with me taking the part?"

Ken nodded vigorously. "Oh, absolutely. You're a much better Baka Lord then I ever would be."

Nodding, Jacob adjusted his pink sunglasses again, hoping that they wouldn't fall off while he did the Baka Day Dance. He didn't want to appear ridiculous.

The elevator chimed, and Kasumi and Ken hustled Jacob out to the bridge, where the lights had been dimmed nearly to darkness. "Where is everyone?" Jacob whispered, having a hard time seeing through his glasses.

"They're here! Wait for your cue." Kasumi answered, adjusting her flamboyant pink tutu and smiling. She had her hair pulled back into two short pony tails, revealing her whole face for once. She was actually kind cute, Jacob had to admit.

"Arrrghh. Captain Donnelley reporting for duty." Ken rasped. He had on an eye patch and a pirate hat, and was brandishing a cutlass.

Suddenly, two spotlights focused on Jacob and the two conspirators.

"Crew of the Normandy, The Donnelly and Goto Theater Troop in Collaboration with the Most Interesting Man in the World, present the Traditional Baka Day dance." EDI's voice declared.

With that, Jacob slid out into the middle of the pool of light, and began to sing, moving with Ken and Kasumi in the dance they had practiced and singing for all he was worth. He wished he could see everyone, but the light was blinding him, and he couldn't hear anything over the lyrics blasting in his ears.

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've know each other for so long
Your heart's been aching
But you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Give you up, give you up
Give you up, give you up
Never gonna give,
Never gonna give, give you up
Never gonna give,
Never gonna give, give you up

We've know each other for so long
Your heart's been aching
But you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Striking the final pose, where he held Kasumi up between her thighs with one hand, something a man without Jacob's daily regime couldn't hope to do, Jacob gave his best smile. Then the music stopped playing and the lights came back on.

Before him, Jacob saw the entire crew rolling around on the deck, laughing hysterically. Slowly, Jacob set Kasumi down. She leaned up on her tip toes and kissed him, the glitter star on her cheek sparkling nearly as much as her eyes. "That was wonderful, Jacob. Thanks for the best Baka Day ever."

"Yar! Happy April Fools, ya scurvy sea dogs! Ye were rickrolled!" Ken shouted, waving his cutlass to additional gales of laughter.

"Why are they all laughing?" Jacob whispered to Kasumi, frowning at Commander Shepard, who was leaning up against the railing, clutching onto Tali as both of them continued to pound their fists onto the bar laughing hysterically.

"That's the point of Baka day! Now, Mr. Taylor, why don't you come back to my hidey hole for some additional celebrations? It's a work out you won't get from traditional methods." Kasumi stated, grabbing a hold of Lil' Jake.

Grinning widely, Jacob nodded as Kasumi led him by his brain to the elevator while Ken continued to strut and wave the sword around. Perhaps Baka Day was a good way to become interesting after all.

Authors Note:

Gotcha Blu :P