A/N: It's... late... and I did a thing... and I'm regretting it already. BUT HICKEYS AND FLUFF AND OTHER FUN THINGS I JUST NEEDED TO WRITE IT WHEN IT POPPED INTO MY HEAD AND NOW? I DON'T KNOW?

(No beta, any mistakes are mine.)

Here's the thing: Courfeyrac knows the difference between bruises and hickeys.

He'll tell anyone willing to listen that he's given his fair share of the latter (seriously, he has), and it means he's VERY good at identifying hickeys. He often quotes that guy with the mohawk (is it even a mohawk anymore?) on Glee, telling everyone about how he can 'make them into shapes, like balloon animals'. This is normally met with eye-rolls and head-shakes. (Although Jehan, who has personal experience with Courfeyrac's hickeys, just blushes. Heh.)

The point is, he knows his hickeys.

He also knows his friends. He knows that Enjolras is not the kind of man who would have a hickey on his neck. And yet there's one there. Courfeyrac only saw it briefly when Grantaire spilled wine on Enjolras' jacket and the blonde had to take it off, revealing a patch of purpley-red skin just below his jaw. It is definitely not a bruise (although part of Courfeyrac is actually doubting his hickey-or-bruise identifying skills, because it's Enjolras, and the fact that Courfeyrac is actually doubting his hickey-or-bruise identifying skills is almost scarier than the idea that someone gave Enjolras a hickey) but it just can't be a hickey.

Eventually it becomes clear that it is a hickey, and Courfeyrac decides to keep it quiet. It's not like the group needs any more drama.

Okay, so Courfeyrac is not the best at keeping things quiet.

"Enjolras has a hickey." He blurts out at the bar one night. The only ones around to hear it are Bossuet and Grantaire (though the former is too drunk to speak, never mind take in what's going on around him).

Bossuet laughs loudly. "Right."

"No, really."

"Courf, it's Enjolras. He must've got his vacuum caught on his neck or something. There is no way he has a hickey."

"Would you really rather believe that Enjolras is stupid enough to do that, rather than admit that I'm right?"

"Yep."

"Bossuet, I'm being serious."

"So am I."

Courfeyrac spends the rest of the night grumbling about the impossibility of someone getting a vacuum caught on their neck and forgets about Enjolras' little mark entirely.

Bossuet comes up to Courfeyrac after a meeting, visibly shaking, eyes wide and mouth open.

"You're right."

"Of course I am." Courfeyrac replies confidently. Then he pauses for a moment. "About what?"

"Enjolras has a hickey."

Courfeyrac glances over at the man in question, but his neck isn't showing. "How'd you see it?"

"He pulled up his sleeve and I saw his wrist for a second."

"There's one on his wrist too?" Courfeyrac cries. Bossuet smacks his arm for not being quiet, but Jehan is the only one who hears.

"I thought that was the one you saw." Bossuet says, looking confused.

"No, I saw one on his neck."

Bossuet's eyes bulge. "He has multiple hickeys?"

"Who has multiple hickeys?"

The two men turn to see Jehan has creeped up behind them and seems very interested in the conversation, and nobody can say 'no' to Jehan's curious-but-still-adorable face.

Courfeyrac is worried about Enjolras overhearing the conversation - especially since Jehan is now involved, and it's more likely he'll squeal from excitement rather than groan at the extreme strangeness of the situation - so he pulls his two friends outside (as inconspicuously as possible) and they continue talking on the street.

Jehan pales upon hearing the fateful story of Enjolras' hickeys (it was weird enough seeing the FIRST one, but now there are multiple hickeys) before giggling for at least five minutes straight.

At least it's not squealing. Courfeyrac thinks briefly, before deciding the squealing was shorter and easier to deal with than the giggling (also more endearing).

Bossuet sighs. "Come on, Jehan, focus."

"On what? Enjolras'... sex life-"

"'Enjolras' and 'sex life' used in the same sentence just sounds wrong." Courfeyrac interrupts with a shudder.

"... Intriguing as it may be, it's none of our business."

"The hell it isn't!" Bossuet cries. "He's got some woman, or man, in his life, and he hasn't told us about them - it's bullshit."

Jehan pauses for a moment, looking as if he's thinking it over. Eventually he nods in agreement. "But what are we going to do about it?"

"We're going to find out who it is." Courfeyrac grins.

It turns out trying to look at places where Enjolras might have hickeys is not the easiest thing in the world to do. Courfeyrac hadn't realised until now, but the man wears his damn white-top-red-jacket ensemble (that covers up basically all of his neck) all the time, and there are only a certain amount of times he, Jehan and Bossuet can each get away with trying to take off said ensemble without Enjolras getting (extremely) pissed off.

So, they turn to Grantaire.

They tell him the whole story (surprisingly he's easily convinced that the man of marble is getting some) and talk him into spilling an alcoholic drink of some kind onto Enjolras' outfit one night.

The blonde is making some speech about freedom and liberty and Patria when Grantaire stumbles over, feigning inebriation , plants a kiss on Enjolras' cheek and 'spills' his whiskey on the man.

Enjolras' first reaction is to curse. He then gives Grantaire a death-glare, and goes to pull off his wet shirt, before noticing four pairs of eyes watching him intently.

He narrows his eyes and says somethign about getting changed in the back room, at which point Courfeyrac bangs his head on the table in defeat.

When he looks up, most of the group (except, of course, Grantaire, Jehan and Bossuet) are giving him looks that clearly say what is going on?

Eponine chuckles from her seat next to Marius, and Joly shuffles his chair in closer to Courfeyrac, demanding to know how Grantaire got drunk so fast ('he only got here five minutes ago, Courf - no amount of alcohol could do that to a man so quickly') and that's how he finds out.

"Do you really think meddling in Enjolras' life is going to help anything?"

"Look, Joly, do you want to know who's finally gotten into Enjolras' pants or not?"

"..."

"That's what I thought."

"Spiking drinks is wrong!"

"So is hiding your sex-buddy from your best friends!"

"Fine, fine, I'll help you. But if I get arrested for this, I'm taking you down with me."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Enjolras drinks insane amounts of water (in fact, Courfeyrac wonders sometimes how the man can drink so much water and never have to call for a bathroom break) so it's not difficult to get the actual glass of liquid to him one night at the bar. Joly politely asks everyone in the group if they'd like anything to drink (and he ends up actually having to get some of them the drinks they wanted, and pay for them, which he complains about later), and when Enjolras refuses, as per usual, an alcoholic beverage, Joly suggests water.

Enjolras takes the bait and Courfeyrac almost whoops with joy.

Joly returns five minutes later, nervously balancing four drinks (absinthe for Grantaire, cider for Marius, beer for Bahorel, and of course, 'water' for Enjolras). He places them down (and seriously, there are beads of sweat running down his face, why did Courfeyrac think Joly could do this?) on the table, and takes a seat next to Bahorel, who is the first to reach for his drink.

Jehan's face is even more terrified than Joly's, so Courfeyrac reaches for the man's hand under the table and squeezes it tightly. Grantaire and Bossuet are, of course, seemingly indifferent.

Enjolras' glass doesn't contain anything dangerous - it's this drink called 'AIR' that Jehan heard about in one of his trendy cafes. It smells, looks and tastes like water, but it's basically just an alcoholic drink. Their plan is to get Enjolras drunk enough to start over-sharing, and coerce him into giving them an explanation for his various hickeys.

As Enjolras takes his first sip, Courfeyrac holds his breath. But the blonde's face doesn't change, and he's soon taking huge gulps as if it were actually water. Courfeyrac squeezes Jehan's hand again but doesn't let go (shut up).

So, Enjolras gets drunk (he's a lightweight, so it only takes one refill), but it's not really what they planned.

He keeps trying to get up onto the table to make speeches about... well, something. Jehan says he heard him mumbling incoherently about puppies, but Jehan often hears what he wants to hear instead of what's actually being said (probably just random words in drunk Enjolras' case). Eponine and Cosette arrive in the midst of it, and immediately want to know how it happened. Courfeyrac bullshits about how he must have taken a few swigs from Grantaire's absinthe accidentally, and the girls raise their eyebrows, but say nothing. Everyone else (apart from those who know the truth) seems to buy it, though.

Bossuet, Courfeyrac, and even Grantaire all attempt to engage the (now drunken) man in conversation, but Enjolras is far more interested in his 'shiny buttons' to listen to anyone.

Eponine and Cosette are heading back to their shared apartment (Courfeyrac has no idea how those two became such good friends, but sometimes he thinks they're closer than Marius and Cosette, and that kind of brings a smile to his face), and they live about a block away from Enjolras, so they agree to get him home and into bed. They have to drag him away from the table at first, but then he latches onto Eponine's arm (quite lovingly, much to the group's amusement) and they leave together.

The other four that make up what Courfeyrac is now calling 'the Hickey Hotties' in his mind (SHUT UP) all agree with him that getting Enjolras drunk is really not the way to go.

Combeferre and Bahorel find out mostly by accident.

One night the Hickey Hotties (that name used to be a joke inside Courfeyrac's head but now he literally cannot stop referring to them as that) are talking in the back-room of the cafe, and the light-hearted conversation turns into a full-on planning session on what their next move is in terms of revealing the hickey.

They're getting really into it, and everyone has great ideas, and things are going really well, until they realise that Combeferre and Bahorel had stayed so quiet the entire night that none of the others had realised the two were still sitting right there.

Grantaire explains the situation. Bahorel laughs - after shooting them all really odd looks, as if desperately trying to find out who gave someone a hickey is a weird thing to do - and Combeferre has a small smile on his face.

"You're not going to tell Enj, are you?" Joly asks after a moment.

"Nah." Bahorel replies. "The way I see it, revealing it at this point would be stupid. You've gotten this far."

"But we haven't." Bossuet says miserably. "We've spent a week on this, and we have jack-shit to show for it."

Bahorel and Combeferre share a look.

Eventually the latter speaks. "I've known Enjolras a long time, and nothing like this has ever happened. To be honest, I'm kind of curious now, so even though he'll probably kill me when he finds out I was a part of this... I'd like to help."

Bahorel says something similar. Courfeyrac grins, feeling like an army captain recruiting soldiers for a battle.

(Except, y'know, this battle involves Enjolras and his sex life rather than death and war and politics. Minor details.)

Bahorel insists on telling Feuilly, and while Bossuet is slightly worried that if they all know about this secret, someone's going to let it slip to Enjolras, Courfeyrac just feels ridiculously happy that this is all coming together. The Hickey Hotties are expanding in numbers.

(He wonders if he should get an army cap, or start making the others call him Captain Courf.)

Combeferre spots another hickey; this one is just below the first one, on Enjolras' neck.

Joly sees one on the blonde's right arm.

Courfeyrac spots not one, but three on his chest, all spaced out.

They are all dying to know who is doing this.

"You know what we haven't done yet?" Feuilly says suddenly one night, when everyone but Marius, Cosette, Eponine and Enjolras are at the bar (which obviously works out well). "We haven't even made a list of who could be giving Enjolras the hickeys."

Courfeyrac's eyes widen. "Oh my god."

Jehan takes out a notepad and pen from his bag and frantically writes a heading (later Courfeyrac sees that the title is 'who's banging the man of marble?' and that makes him laugh more than it should) before looking at the group expectantly.

"I assume we can cut out anyone here." Combeferre says after a moment. Everyone else nods in agreement.

Bossuet turns to Feuilly. "Feuilly, you go to uni with him - is he particularly close with anyone there?"

Feuilly scrunches his nose in thought. "I don't think so. He talks to people a lot about joining rallies and the like, but he doesn't even have many strong friendship with any of his classmates, never mind any kind of romantic relationship."

There is a long moment of silence.

"I'm so confused. Who else is there?" Jehan throws his hands up in the air. Nobody answers him. Courfeyrac closes his eyes and tries to think.

"I know what we need." He says finally. "We need a girl's perspective."

They settle for Marius.

Cosette is a bit too innocent to be asked about hickeys, or anything vaguely sexual, really, and Eponine has recently been hanging out with Enjolras a lot more, and she said the other day that she'd 'rather die than go behind a friend's back'. While the brunette has been up for this kind of thing in the past, finding out who Enjolras is sleeping with would probably be a bit too much to ask from such a fiercely loyal person. Aside from Gavroche, who probably knows more about that kind of thing than the most innocent people in their group (but if they even so much as mentioned it in the vicinity of him, Eponine would find out and personally kick all their asses for exposing him to that kind of thing), Marius is the only one left.

They tell him, because they don't know what else to do or who else to turn to, and also because Courfeyrac feels a bit mean for keeping his oldest friend out of the loop for so long (it was for a good reason - Marius is a doof and can be a bit of a blabbermouth, especially to Cosette - but whatever).

When they tell him, he flushes bright red and starts stammering on about how it's not really their business, and what happens between two people is a personal, and Courfeyrac is wondering if Gavroche would've been a better idea when Bahorel, who agreed to be there when Marius was informed, shakes the man (probably a bit harder than necessary) and almost growls at him.

"Marius, this is Enjolras. You are interested in it, no matter how much your 'polite gentlemanly' persona tells you you're not, so just say if you'll help us, or say if you won't, and leave. Either way, tell Enjolras about this and you're dead."

Marius says he would help if he could, but he honestly has no ideas. However, he promises to not say a word to Enjolras.

He does, however, say a word to Cosette. Multiple words, in fact, that apparently string together to become a paragraph that explains what Courfeyrac started up in terms of the hickeys and the quest for Enjolras' sex buddy.

When Marius tells him that Cosette now knows everything, Courfeyrac doesn't think it's that big of a deal. It probably caused Cosette more harm than anyone else, and maybe now someone will be able to help them with the whole 'we need a girls' perspective' thing. Besides, it's not like Cosette's going to tell anyone, so even if she doesn't help them, it's just another pair of lips that are staying shut.

Yeah, no.
Cosette ends up telling Eponine. Who will definitely tell Enjolras.
(Marius tells Courfeyrac through text. Pansy.)

The Hickey Hotties are waiting anxiously in the cafe one day. They've all given up on trying to find out the cause of said hickeys, but Courfeyrac continues to call the group that name in his mind. Marius told them that Enjolras was coming to the cafe at 3pm that day.

Nobody is quite sure whether or not the man knows about the whole thing, but Courfeyrac has a bit of a hunch that Enjolras knows ALL about it.

It feels kind of as if they're waiting for death row. Courfeyrac has his head in Jehan's lap (they're not actually officially 'together' together yet but Courfeyrac plans to remedy that as soon as this Enjolras/hickey nightmare is over). Bossuet is pacing him, and Feuilly is tapping his feet in time with Bahorel hitting his head on the counter. Joly is just whimpering in the corner. Combeferre is the only one looking remotely calm. He sits at the table, typing on his laptop and occasionally looking up and chuckling at the state of his friends.

Courfeyrac doesn't understand why 'Ferre is so relaxed on a day like this. If Enjolras knows about this whole thing, none of them will survive their encounter with him.

Courfeyrac is entertaining the thought of running away with Jehan and making up new identities when the cafe door opens and Eponine and Enjolras walk in, chatting with each other casually.

The whole group stands to attention (Joly literally stands up rigidly straight, before sitting down at the look Bahorel gives him).

Enjolras doesn't notice them for a moment, and when he does, it's a bit of a double take. He raises an eyebrow, and turns to look at Courfeyrac.

"I hear you want to know about my skin deformations." The blonde says casually.

Courfeyrac gulps. "Where'd you hear that from?"

Enjolras shakes his head but doesn't answer.

"Look, Enjolras, I'm really sorry-" Courfeyrac begins, standing up and walking over to where his two friends stand.

"I'm sure you are." Enjolras cuts him off. "I understand your curiosity, but you all went way too far. Frequently trying to de-clothe me, getting people to pour drinks on me so I'd take off my shirt, giving me an alcoholic drink that I thought was water to get information out of me."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"I don't want to hear it. If you ever pull something like this again - and I mean any of you, I know you were all involved - I will get you back, and it will make you regret ever crossing me."

There's a tone in Enjolras' voice that Courfeyrac has never really heard from the man before, but it's pretty terrifying, so he nods and apologises profusely. Enjolras walks out of the cafe.

Eponine watches him go and laughs. "He'll be fine in a day or two. He'll probably just apologise for threatening you, give you all individual lectures, and get over it."

Jehan is suddenly right next to Courfeyrac. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Courfeyrac replies, before kissing Jehan on the cheek (someone whoops behind them).

"For what it's worth, I totally would've helped you guys." Eponine smirks. She says something about going after Enjolras, and goes to leave.

"By the way..." She says as she's heading out the door. "The hickeys were from me."

Courfeyrac freezes as Eponine disappears.

"I was not expecting that at all." He says after a moment.

"I kind of was." Jehan says.

Courfeyrac rubs his eyes. "Can we please leave before things get weirder?"

"Sure. But to be fair, the weirdness is kind of your fault.

Courfeyrac is about to protest, but the others are making sounds of agreement, and he figures Jehan is probably (definitely) right.

"Next time I tell you I've seen someone's hickey, punch me in the face repeatedly until I agree to not pursue it."

"But your face is so cute. I could never punch it."

"Just promise."

"I promise."

(Captain Courf and the Hickey Hotties would totally be an awesome band name, though.)