Author's Note: Please note that I published two chapters today. So just go back one chapter to avoid missing something.

Thank you for all the nice reviews. I'm overwhelmed.

14.

The night was cold against the skin of Jack's face. Cardiff lay around him, sparkling and peaceful and quiet. The wind ruffled his hair, made his coat flap gently and Jack tilted his head to look up at the ink-black sky, the stars invisible due to the city lights and the moon a pale piece of rock so far away. Jack closed his eyes, remembered flying through space, seeing those stars up close and behind them, so many more, circling planets, exploring the universe. Sometimes, he wondered how Cardiff and Earth could compare to all that, but the answer was painfully simple: They couldn't. They would never be able to. The family he had here, though … they could. They were a bright spot in his long life, one of the brightest, and after leaving them once, he knew he would never be able to do so again. As much as they fought and went up against each other, there was a bond between them. And someone had violated that. Violated them.

"A rooftop?" someone said and Jack recognized John's voice. "How cliché."

He didn't turn around to him. "Remember the last meeting on a rooftop?"

John was quiet for a moment. "Sorry about that, by the way."

"You killed me."

"You got up again."

"You didn't know I would at the time." He turned around to John, his hands in his coat pockets. "Did you even hesitate?"

John looked at him gravely. "It's me, Jack. What did you expect? You know me. You know what happens to people who cross me." He shrugged. "Even those I call friends."

"Your therapist isn't very good." Jack sighed sadly and stepped closer to John, taking in the tired hunch of his shoulders and the haunted look in his eyes. He realized for the first time that he was looking at a hunted man. With the Time Agency gone, John might be on the wanted list of the Shadow Proclamation: A man resorting to crime to get by and using Time Agent technology to do so. He put a hand on John's shoulder. "You're so much better than this."

"Please," John said with a wry grin, "I am what I am." He became serious. "I was so glad you survived that push. I would have never forgiven myself, if … what I really wanted to do is stay and join you, I was just too proud to ask. I thought you'd need me, ask me to stay, but you didn't." He shrugged. "Back then, I reacted out of spite. You know, bad temper and a short short fuse aren't a good combination."

Jack squeezed John's shoulder and then removed his hand, tucking it into his coat pocket to play with the plastic bag in it. It contained three Retcon pills he always carried around for emergencies. "While it's nice to hear you kind of apologizing for once, I can't quite get over the fact that you technically killed me and you almost killed my team."

John looked out over the city. "I'm making up for it."

"Just because you did the right thing here – which I'm grateful for, don't get me wrong – doesn't mean I'll let you in."

"I know. That's why I came here in the first place. To offer you something that might make you rethink that decision," John replied.

Jack raised one eyebrow. "What could that possibly be?"

"Gray."

Jack stared at him, for a moment unable to understand but then the pieces fit themselves together.

"I said that I found him the last time I was here, that wasn't quite true. I haven't found him, yet. But I think I'm close to tracking him down."

Jack swallowed. "You really looked for Gray?"

"Yes. Ever since you left the Time Agency, actually."

That meant years of work. Years of research and travelling. Jack knew because he'd tried to find Gray himself. He just couldn't understand … "Why?"

John stared at him, almost in disbelief, definitely hurt. "You don't get it, do you? No matter how often I tell you, you just don't understand that I love you, Jack." He shook his head. "You know, no matter how many mistakes I made, there's one thing that you're apparently unable to understand and that is that you pull people in."

Jack rolled his eyes. "I know that. I used it when we were Time Agents, remember?"

"I don't mean that kind of pull. I'm not talking about charm. I'm talking about people wanting to be with you, wanting to become your friends, your lovers … and most of the time, you don't want to acknowledge it because you're so busy feeling sorry for yourself. First because of losing Gray, then because of what the Time Agency did to you and now because you're immortal." John stepped closer, his bright eyes almost black in the weak lights that managed to reach their position. "You're devastating, Jack."

Jack stared at John for a long moment, reminded of Finlay's words. It hurt, but somehow, someway, he knew that John was at least partly right … and so had been Finlay. "I don't know what to say."

John shook his head. "You don't need to say a thing. Just be careful. One day, it's gonna slap you in the face and you might stand up again, but your team won't." He looked up at the sky. "I'm off. My turn to be the big hero and save someone."

"John," Jack said, "what you did here … thank you."

"No big deal."

"You protected Ianto. It's a huge deal."

"Well, that kid doesn't really need protection, you know. I tried to and he kneed me in the balls."

Jack laughed. "Tough love."

"I dread to imagine what the two of you are like in bed." A slow, dirty smile emerged on his lips. "Even though …" He winked at Jack. "Not that bad a picture."

Jack chuckled. "You have no idea."

John's grin widened for a moment, but as fast as his face had brightened, it became serious again. "I hope you'll respect his wishes."

Jack frowned, his hand clenching around the bag. "Why would you say that?"

"Because you're up here instead of in his room, which makes me suspect that you needed to do some heavy thinking before facing him. And I know you, Jack. Back then, you always had Retcon on you." John's eyes focused on Jack's pocket.

Reluctantly and with a frustrated sigh, Jack pulled the bag out his coat pocket and held it up. "Enough for a week. I'd only need a couple of days. Just enough to erase Samuel's physical presence and convince him that he really was just a hallucination Finlay implanted. No rape, no guilt … just a ghost. I'd get Owen to side with me, he's done worse … Tosh and Gwen, we'd have to lie to them as well, tell them it's good that Ianto forgot and shouldn't be reminded, blame it on the concussion."

John nodded slowly. "You've given this some thought."

"Mostly wondered if I should do it against Ianto's wishes."

"Would you be able to?"

"To help him get over it? To spare him the nightmares and trauma and self-blame?" Jack asked. "Absolutely. The question is if I can look him in the eye after. Does erasing it balance out the guilt?"

John shrugged. "Does it?"

Jack sighed and put the Retcon back in his pocket. "I don't know yet."

"Well, you know my opinion on this and you know Ianto's. And I don't think that it needs mentioning but you've had your memories taken from you once."

"Two years," Jack said. "This is just a few days."

"It always starts with the words 'just a few'." John sighed. "All I can ask is that you don't do it for selfish reasons."

"I'd just like him to keep smiling. He only just started doing it for real since I'm back together with him and I can't bear the thought of him losing it again."

John snorted. "Selfish. You can't bear the thought, Jack?" He activated his Vortex Manipulator. "Do the right thing." With that he left.

Jack looked after him, then turned around to the city again … thinking.

xxx

It was the middle of the night when Ianto woke the next time. He felt wiped out and sore all over and his head ached. The bleak hospital room didn't exactly help matters. He wanted to go home, bury in his own bed and forget about everything. He knew, though, that that wouldn't be a possibility in the near future. Being with Torchwood, he'd learned to assess damage to his body and this was bad. He would have to stay for at least another few days. He sighed deeply. Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow, until now part of the curtains, move and approach the bed. Ianto startled and was ready to get up and fight, somehow, but then he recognized the silhouette and breathed a sigh of relief. "Jack," he whispered while Jack stepped into the weak light cast through the window by the streetlamps and the moon.

Jack smiled gently and stepped closer. Then he suddenly changed, transformed … and Finlay grinned at him. "You wish."…

… Ianto gasped awake with a half-muffled scream and his body protested the sudden move. Pain exploded in his chest in his leg when he – still trapped in the nightmare – tried to get up.

"Hey!" somebody said and Ianto shied away from a shadow with a small cry. The lights were switched on and then he was looking at Jack, who in turn was staring at him in shock. "It's alright," Jack said calmly and smiled, raising his hands. "It's alright."

It wasn't. They both knew that.

Jack carefully arranged Ianto's leg back onto the bed and smoothed the blanket over him, giving an almost shy smile when Ianto touched his hand gratefully. Jack leaned over him and kissed his brow. "You're alright," he whispered before sitting on the edge of the bed and entwining their fingers.

The pain slowly ebbed away, the painkillers taking back control. Ianto sighed in relief and then looked at Jack. "Finlay?"

"Frozen," Jack answered. "He's gone. Well, at least as far as we can make him go."

Ianto brushed his hand down his face, wiping away sweat, his fingers trembling and clumsy.

Jack noticed and looked at him sadly. "God, Ianto."

"Don't," Ianto replied firmly. "Pity won't help me." He swallowed and looked away from Jack's blue eyes, towards the window. "I don't want you to pity me."

"No pity," Jack promised gently. "Sympathy." His thumb brushed Ianto's, a soothing motion that Jack had used a lot since they'd started sharing a bed. "I wouldn't think less of you if you wanted to take Retcon."

"You wouldn't, but I would," Ianto replied. "Everyone would know but me? No, absolutely not." He looked at Jack, saw him squeeze his eyes shut as if in pain. "You can't escape the trauma, so I won't either."

Jack sighed. "I see someone talked to you."

"John was here."

"So he told you."

"That you would have to erase your whole life to get rid of Finlay popping up in your memories? Yes, he did." Ianto relaxed into the pillow, glad to talk about someone else's problems. He always felt more comfortable helping than receiving help. "Abuse has several faces, especially around Torchwood."

Jack smiled sadly. "You know, without you, we would still be trapped."

"Well, John did a fair share of the work. If not for his persistence in stalking me, I would have put my doubts aside as nerves and maybe even accepted that something's wrong with me. That Torchwood finally did me in."

"You keep coming through for us," Jack said, suddenly deadly serious. "You don't realize it, but we do. We all know … that no matter what, you'll have our backs." He ducked his head. "Sometimes I wish you wouldn't. It would spare you some things."

"Yes," Ianto replied. "Yes, it would."

Jack raised his head again, a small smile on his face. "You'll get through this as well." He relaxed visibly as if a big burden had been taken from his shoulders. "Thirsty?"

"Very," Ianto answered. Jack handed him the glass of water from the table. They didn't talk while Ianto slowly emptied it, just looking at each other. Ianto didn't quite know what was happening here. It was hard to read Jack sometimes, but he seemed to have realized or decided on something. Ianto knew that Jack would tell him when he was ready to. Jack also didn't seem to want to leave. And the fact that he was taking the time to stay and just be with him meant a lot to Ianto, especially now. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being here."

Jack's lips brushed Ianto's forehead and he took the glass from him, setting it on the nightstand. "No place I'd rather be," he said and when Ianto looked into his eyes, he knew that was the truth.

END

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