Still, the veiw was good. Like the man who'd taught him a great deal of what Renji knew as a fighter, Captain Madarame, Renji was all corded muscle and tensile strength through his torso and that definitely showed through in the chiseled definition of his chest. Unlike some reapers in her division, Rukia did not fangirl; it was pathetic and undignified, but if a nice veiw was offered to her, she was certainly not above taking the time to enjoy it.
One of the lines shook as the bait on the other end got a nibble. Renji moved as quickly and smoothly as a snake striking to catch the line and pull on it, hoping to pull the fish up. No dice.
"Hn," he grunted, irritated as he pulled the line out of the water and checked the hook. They hadn't gotten the fish and it hadeaten the bait and swum off.
"Sometimes it be that way." she offered, hoping to smooth his scowl.
Renji shruged, and clearly dredged up a small smile for her as he rebaited the hook and easily sent the line back out again. he sat next to her in the shade instead, his long legs stretched out in front of him and the wieght of his chest resting back on his elbows. They sat in companionable silence for a while then Renji said
"I heard your brother's letting you take part in the Council Meetings, that must be exciting for you."
"It's nice to be included in family activities, usually I'm told not to worry about it and everyone else handles everything. I guess it's to be expected because I'm a new comer, but still it always made me feel a little useless and excluded," Rukia said honestly.
She could always talk to Renji about what was on her mind, even if he'd tell her she was being silly and worrying over nothing, he'd at least listen to her and truthfully tell her what he thought. That was more than she could say for a lot of her new family (she still thought of them as new, even though she'd been living inthier house for the last fifty years). She smiled wryly,
"Though in this case, I sometimes wish that he'd decided to handle it himself. Tjose meetings are horribly boring, always going on and on about things and people i don't know or understand really. I know that the only way to learn is by observing it, but it gets pretty confusing awfully quickly."
"A bit of a mixed blessing then, yeah I guess I can see how that is. When I was a lieutenant I was glad about the respect and authority my position gave me, but i wasn't so wild about all the hard work that came with it sometimes."
Aha! An opportunity!
"You must miss it, having your rank that is," Rukia said, trying not to sound too hopeful.
"Sometimes," he said neutrally. "I worked hard to get it, so it bothers me that all that effort was in vain. Truth to tell though, i just feel so exhausted lately. Captain Unohana told me to take it easy and normally I'd be ignoring her and training like usual, but lately I can't seem to. I'm not sure what it is but i just don't have the energy lately for it."
"The war was hard on everyone, you just need some time to rest and recover, that's all," she said.
"I guess," he replied uncertainly.
Rukia went from a vague feeling of unease to being downright worried about him. Renji was not and had never been the sort of man to vascilate uselessly about anything. Once he had a goal in mind he went after it and heaven help anything that got in his way. She'd never seen him act uncertain, even if he didn't know what he was talking about, he always said it with such confidence that people wound up believing that he knew what he was doing. Before she'd thought about it, rukia put a hand on his arm and looked over at him
"Renji, what's wrong?" she asked.
She watched as his shoulders tensed and haunched protectively and he instinctively curled up around himself. Her worry deepened, whatever it was that was making him act this way, he must be really upset about it if he was betraying his discomfort so clearly. Usually he'd try to shrug it off and tell her to mind her own business.
"Nah, it's noth-"
"Don't tell me it's nothing," she overrid him quickly. "I've known you too long and too well for that. Tell me."
He clealry debated internally for a long moment, then broke down and told her.
"I miss them," he said.
To her very great surprise Renji didn't bother hiding the world of sorrow behind those words.
"Kira and Momo," he added, to clarify. "I miss them both so much. I mean, we've been friends since the academy and I sort of always thought we'd just... I mean, we even became lieutenants together. We've ben something of a set for decades. It's not that I don't have friends but, I just miss them, that's all."
She watched with empathic sorrow for Renji as he struggled to find the words to express his grief, and it was truly greif too, that she could tell right away. renji had always been the tough guy, he lived by the sword and a life of battle had hardened more than his body. You did not make rank in Eleventh by being soft. He had always been something of an alpha male, the street-thug version of a head of the clan; and like the nobility, out on the streets there werer certain standards of behavious expected of people who carved a place out there. Men were expected to be strong, tough stoics who never cried or showed any sign of anything that could be interpreted as weakness or vulnerability (it was the same for women, but to a lesser extent). Renji had played the rold expected of him perfectly, even Rukia had only rarely glimpsed what went on beneath the surface.
I miss them both, y'know," he said, for a rarity not bothering to hide the sorrow and pain in his voice. It was very rare for Renji to be so open about a vulnerability, even with her.
Like her, he had grown up on the mean streets of District 78, but unlike her Renji was a man and had been the defacto leader of thier small gang-family, the rule for someone in that kind of position (and doubly for a male) was that you never exposed anything that could be perceived as a weakness. Any boy that was going to have any measure of success in that world had to adhere rather strictly to a certain mode of conduct; strenth, stocism and a willingness to beat the crap out of anyone that pushed against thier pride was what got respect out there. Strength out there meant survival, and if you were weak, that meant you were food. In order to protect her and the others Renji had to be perceived as strong at all times. Even in those times when she had been weak with sorrow and loss, Renji had stoicly stood against the loss and gotten done what needed to be done. There had been little time for sorrow for him and he certainly never actually talked about it with her. It was one of a long list of subjects that went unspoken about between them... it was simply understood.
"I know you were always very close," she sympathized with him, reaching out to lay her hand over top of his.
Renji seemed slightly discomforted with the contact and her obvious sympathy; usually that sort of thing was what would make his inner sheilds of manly pride and stoicism slam up faster than a window shutter in a storm. However, this time he did not move himself away or tell her not to worry so much about it and that he was feeling just fine... which meant that his sorrw was so acute that he was forced to acknowledge even to himself that he was not just fine.
"I mean, it's not like I don't have other friends," he went on, partly to himself and partly to her. "It's just that me an' Momo an' Kira, well, we were... a set, a team, y'know? They were my best buddies. Ever since that first time together when we all stood back to back with Hisagi-sempai, I knew there was something special about us and the way we fit together. It was like we each completed the others in our own ways. Momo's kind gentle nature always seemed ta cool off my rough temper, and Kira's sensible intelligence had ways of expressing what I'd picked up on but never seemed able to say just right. I dunno what I brought to the set, maybe a few good laughs..."
He said this with a small self-depeciationg smile but Rukia knew exactly what he'd brought to their set; she'd seen it for herself all those times when she'd looked on in secret in and around the Soul Reaper Divisional barracks during public events, watching with envy as they were easily friends and having a good time while she was forced by her position as a Kuchiki to remain aloof and in her own little box with no friends. She'd seen Renji's easy, good-natured charm and instinctive leadership ability drag them out of thier own shells, just as he had once dragged her out of hers. With a wide, sharp smile and a one-armed manly glomp around Kira's shoulders he'd pulled him out of his perpetual mire of self-doubt and into a form of confidence and self-pride that made it easy for the young man to display his razor-sharp mind. With a few joking words and a light poke or two, he had turned Momo's attention away from what everyone else thought of her (and pleasing her captain) and made her consider her own worth and strength since it so well complimented theirs. Renji had always been able to do that, even when he'd been a little brat. Rukia had liked to play at being the leader of thier little de-facto family, mainly because she was so much smarter than Renji, but when it came down to real leadership ability... he won out of her without a contest and always had. It had often irritated her and sometimes still did. He wasn't very bright, but what he lacked in brains he'd always made up for in strength and charisma.
"That's not true," Rukia said.
It irked her a little to be forced to admit it out loud, but this was the first time in decades that she had the opportunity to really be there for him in a rare time when he was hurting. She missed thier bond, and for so long she'd thought it had been lost forever; maybe she was being selfish but this felt like an opportunity to her, and it was one she didn't want to miss.
"You were a really good friend to them. You were there when they needed a strong shoulder to lean on, always trying to cheer them up and urge them to pick up carry on and triumph in your own clumsy way."
"How'd you know that?" Renji asked, looking at her in partial awe, like she had some kind of telepathic gift or something.
"Duh, silly," she said. "It's because you always did the same for me."
Renji looked down, instincively trying to hide his small real smile (because a Rukon male never allowed it to show when he was really happy) and tried to change the subject.
"I still feel like there's more I coulda done," he admitted. "I mean, I saw the way Kira changed after he became that guy's Lieutenant. I saw the way he was getting tangled up in himself, the way he started to always doubt and second-guess everything. I tried to keep telling him that he was worrying too much. An' all along that Gin Ichimaru was twisting him up in subtle ways and I didn't know how ta stop it."
Rukia mentally shook her head. That Renji had picked up on something like that at all was a bit surprising, that he hadn't known how to stop it but still had done his best was not so shocking.
"I could've done more if I'da known how ta say the right words," Renji said in self-recrimination.
"I'm sure you did the best you could," she tried to soothe him.
"And it wasn't good enough," Renji replied.
:That's Renji for you,: she thought to herself.
He had always been twice as hard on himself than he was on anybody else. Most of the time she considered it both her duty and a pleasure to smack some sense into him. That was how she was so practiced at it by the time Ichigo had come along... she'd had an entire childhood full of practice at dealing with a young, stubborn domineering little fighter who always pushed themselves past the limit of what anyone would consider sane and sensible. Caution was not only a closed book to him, but a burned and buried book as well.
:It's no wonder those two are always at logger-heads any time they meet,: she thiought in amusement. :They're so similar that it's natural they'd be able to understand each other and equaly natural that they wouldn't like each other.:
No body really liked having a person around who always reminded them so much of themselves... it simply brought out all the traits within themselves that they really didn't like. She'd only seen them truly agree on two things; that there were people in thier lives that it was worth sacrificing anything to protect, and that that kid Asano deserved an ass-kicking just for being too annoying to be left to himself.
"I doubt they felt that way about it Renji," Rukia replied, deciding for a change to talk with him instead of smacking him around like usual. After all, she was wearing this nice kimono and it was such a peaceful day, she found herself unusually reluctant to pick a fight with him. Besides, there was something else she was after...
"I'm sure that if you or anyone else had asked them, they would have said that they were always glad that you were such a good friend to them."
"If I'm such a good friend to them, why wasn't I able to save them when I was right there too? Why am I alive and they are not? I should've been able to do something more..."
Rukia knew from listening in on the report that Captain Unohana had given to her brother about Renji's medical status after the battle that there was nothing he could have done on or off the battlefeild. His reiatsu had been drained by his fight with the Espada-level arrancar tot he point where his sword would not shikai, let alone bankai. He had been wounded almost to the point of immobility fending off all of that thing's clones and yet he had still thrown himself into the next battle against an implacable foe without so much as a thought to his own safety. He had tried his best. It's not like he was Ichigo, the original sheath to the Hougyoku, who grew a new super-power everytime he needed it; Renji was just Renji, a warrior who lived with a set of limitations, and tried his hardest to overcome them or work around them, not for his own sake but for the sake of his fellow warriors.
"We both know that there was nothing more you or anyone else in your position could have done. You were fighting past your limits already. Momo and Kira both lived and died doing what they felt was right, and you know you'd be the first to tell anyone else the same thing if they asked."
"That's true, and I have. I am proud of the way they died when they went out. It was a good death if they had to have one. It doesn't make it any easier though, knowing that they're gone. I hope... I hope thier next incarnation is a good one."
It was the Soul Reaper equivalent of the human's saying that they hoped thier loved one went to heaven (or whateer equivalent they had). To hope for the one they cared about to have a life free of troubles and sorrows.
"I'm sure it'll be the best," Rukia said, squeezing is hand reassuringly. Well, part of his hand anyway, she'd forgotten just how big his hands were, just like the rest of him. His hands were large and warm, the square palms rough and calloused from holding a sword. Rukia tried her best to ignore the strangely warm feeling trying to flush her face as she left her hand to linger in his under the pretense of comforting him.
There was something she'd wanted to ask about for the longest time and had never quite managed to find the right time or pretext to subtly pry the information out of him. But they were more or less on the subject...
"I'm sure you'll miss them here. After all, you always spent so much time with them," Rukia said, trying to figure out a way to delicately phrase it so she might get an answer she was looking for without Renji realizing what question she was really asking.
"I know that Kira and you and Hisagi were always a trio that could be counted on to tie one on... or several."
Some of the rumors and stories of their drunken exploits, real or imagined, were the stuff of legend among the soul reapers. But that wasn't really the friend she was interested in knowing about.
"And I'm sure you'll miss Momo too..."
But how much would he miss Momo?
Rukia had been in and around the 13th squad barracks bathouse enough to keep up on all the Soul Reaper gossip (for that was where it happened, and no-one gossiped like no-rank girls of thirteenth; if there was a rumor, no matter how slight, of any sort going around (and especially ones about the upper level officers) those girls would have heard it, would repeat it, and then happily rate the rumor and speculate about it.
In her time listening to bathouse gossip one of thier favorite topics was about upper level officers and who they might or might not have thier eye on. Momo Hinomori was a favored subject, mainly because she was well-liked and seemed to have so many possibilities. (No, Rukia was not jealous of her!) Most rumors (after Aizen's treachery was known) paired her with her childhood friend, Captain Hitsugaia, but there had been equally strong rumors to suggest Kira as a possible match for her, and there were some silly girls out there who thought that Renji had been caught in a one-sided infatuation with her... and worse there were those who excitedly proposed a love-triangle with Kira and Renji! It was true that Renji Kira and Momo had always been close, but she did not think that they were that close. Still, Rukia had to know if Renji might not be carrying a torch for his lost comrade.
It was something of a concern for her, for physically at least, Momo Hinamori and herself were not without their similarities. They were both petite and on the tiny side, thier builds and features were somewhat similar; dark hair, large doe-like eyes. Hinamori had made it to lieutenant along with Kira and later on Renji, so there was a superiority of rank when it came to acknowledged strength there that Rukia worried about. Did Renji see Momo as being more of his equal than he saw Rukia? It wasn't a threat now, of course, but Rukia now had to contend with the possibility that she might have to fight a ghost... a person was always more perfect in one's memories than they were in real life. Momo was pretty close to being the perfect doll-like model of a woman as it was (much to Rukia's secret annoyance). She was kind, and delicate, strong and yet with just the right of vulnerability that would make a man want to protect her... and Renji was already notoriously protective. Was part of his grief more than just the grief of a person separated from his friend, or did it bleed over into the territory of a man grieving for a woman he had loved and lost?
After all, Rukia couldn't think of any other reason why a man like Renji would stay single. She'd listened around in the bathhouse in 13th, and even after his demotion it was universally agreed by all women present, unattached or otherwise, that as a potential husband material, Renji earned top marks. When he'd been a lieutenant he had been tough but fair. He'd been kind in his own gruff way to his subordinates, training them and offering to tutor them in small groups to work on a skill that they were unable to grasp. His office door had always been open when he was in to hear the woes and concerns of his subordinates. He had been and still was very personable and well-liked. He was patient when training a new recruit and concerned for thier well-fare and well-being. All of that, the girls said pointed to his being potentialy an excellent father someday. He treated women well, it was said (though where those rumors came from Rukia would dearly have liked to know!). Added to that was the fact that anyone who had been around the Squad Halls for any length of time in the past year and cared to time it would have seen him practicing with his shirt off (and for some, it was the highlight of thier day) so the fact that he had a body that was made of yum was a well-established fact.
A body she was seeing right now in it's usual state of half-dress sprawled out like a lazy tiger in the sunshine. Rukia took the time to mentally weigh her own assesment of him against what those bath-house girls were always slavering about... Strong arms good for holding a woman as well as swinging a sword, definitely check. Broad shoulders? Yep. Something sexy about his neck? Yeah, sort of actually. Ripping pectorals and more than a six-pack? uh-huh. His hakama hid his butt and legs and the only one she knew of who'd caught him in a loincloth and was willing to share about it (the nurses of fourth had this doctor-patient confidentiality rule) was Rangiku Matsumoto and she was rather too enthusiastic about the subject. Rukia often got the feeling she was being teased by the older woman. Those tatoos of his did definitely add something... They weren't distracting from the whole picture but instead seemed to add to and accentuate his physique.
Female gossip in the bathouse agreed that, sure he had a few rough edges, and a Squad Eleven tendency to love fighting, but since he was a warrior that could be over looked, especially since it kept that amazing physique of his in top condition. He had a lot to offer, and there were a number of female reapers, both fresh from the academy and veterans of several years, who were eagre to secure his advantages for themselves. While bathing in the Squad bath-house she had been a silent witness to a number of imagined campaigns to gain his attention (ranging from the demure to the downright scandalous) idle speculation (there were some who thought that he and Kira or he and Shuuhei might be swordmates and simply chose to keep hier relationship private) and outright sighings and moanings of admiration and what some of those women might do with him if trapped alone in a broom closet or somesuch. The conclusion that she and many of the others had reached was that a man like that would not contenet himself to be single unless there were a good reason for it, and the only thing most could reason was that his affections were already bestowed somewhere. Momo Hinomori, due to proximity and familiarity, had been decided upon as the most likely candiate. Rukia was eaten alive with curiousity.
"I know you and Kira were always best friends," she started. "And then there's Momo of course. You must really miss her."
"She always made sense," Renji agreed easily. "She never talked down to me and she always encouraged me and Kira to do our best."
Rukia felt a small stab of guilt mixed with a twinge of jealousy at the comment, which had the effect of reminding her of all the times when she had talked down to Renji and belittled his skill at Kido or called him an idiot. Granted, that was how thier friendship worked, but when compared to how he had to veiw Momo, she probably came off second-best. Rukia was notedly stinting in her praise of him, the time she'd found out about his big promotion she had ragged him mercilessly about it, singing fuku-taicho-dono~ and giving him greif. She'd bet Momo had smiled at him and congratulated him sweetly with that kind and gentle smile she had.
"Kira always seemed to have a brotherly sort of affection for her... how about yourself?"
Here it was, the moment of truth. Now that there was no danger of word about Renji's possible feelings for Momo getting back to the recipient of them, he would be able to admit to them freely or deny them, so if he really had felt for Momo the way everyone else thought he felt for Momo then there was no reason why he wouldn't just say so.
"Yeah, she was like a little sister to me," Renji replied absently as he reached over and tugged on the line to see if he had a nibble. "Back before we found out what Aizen was really like, I was sort of relieved about her feelings for him. Because she was so obviously stuck on him, I thought that here was a proper man for her to love and I wouldn't have to chase off any scoundrels or weaklings who were unworthy of her."
The first part of his answer was promising, the second part could be interpreted a number of ways. Rukia paused to consider while Renji had to rebait the hook yet again.
"Man, these fish in this lake must take thier cleverness from its owner," Renji muttered. "Must be something in the water. This is the third time I've had to rebait the hook cuz they ate the bait right off the hook without getting caught."
"Did you spend a lot of time chasing men off from her?" Rukia pursued.
"Sorta," Renji replied with a shrug, flopping back down in the sun. "At least in the beginning, before she developed feelings for Aizen anyway. Momo was my friend, and I wasn't about to let her get her precious heart broken by some young little tomcat just lookin' fer what he could get. After the first few, they caught on that they might do better ta think twice about thier intentions before makin' a play at her."
Renji sounded rather proud of himself about that one, and Rukia frowned at him for it. Protective yes, and stubborn and domineering as ever. He'd always been a natural born leader, but he could take it a little too far especially with the women in his life. She was very well aware that, before her esteemed older brother came into her life, the other students at the Academy had been warned about toying with her affections or they'd face the wrath of the (somewhat infamous, even then) Renji Abarai.
"You sound like you all but threw her at Aizen," Rukia remarked dryly.
Something niggled a little bit at her. There was something about the situation that felt a bit familiar...
"I wouldn't say threw," Renji said a little uncomfortably. "But ya gotta admit, before we all knew his true colors, Aizen was one of the most respected Captains in the whole Seireitei. Even more respected than yer brother cuz he had seniority and a sorta genial and approachable way about him, like he understood everyones problems and would only be too happy to help you out with 'em. He was the kinda man anyone'd have been proud to support."
Rukia had to nod agreement with that, she was letting her recent experiences of the present color her perception of the situation. In the past, before Aizen had made his true designs known, what Renji said about him was indeed true. Even her brother had sort of liked, or rather, approved of Captain Aizen.
:But he didn't exactly answer the question,: Rukia realized a moment later.
"So you didn't exactly throw her in his path," Rukia brought th econversation back...
There was something important about this, something she needed to know.
"Well... sort of..." Renji mumbled. "It was pretty easy to see that she respected and admired her Captain a lot, it was sort of natural she'd develop a crush on him. I would have cautioned her about letting herself in too deep, but I thought him a proper man for her. He was kind, a model captain, caring, considerate. He seemed to be all that anyone could think to ask for in a man. One who could do well for her..."
Renji mumbled something under her breath and its tone sounded self accusatory, but Rukia hadn't undestood what he'd said.
"I'm sorry what?" Rukia asked, wanting clarification on what he'd said.
"Nuthin'," Renji muttered.
Rukia's thoughts were racing while Renji closed his eyes in the sunshine and waited for the fish to bite. There was something about the situation... Rukia set that thought aside to pursue later as there was already a subject she was interested in pusuing with him.
"I'm not a chick, so I don't really go in fer match-makin' an' all that," Renji mumbled. "But in Momo's case the match was pretty much already made. So I figured that if I didn't discourage her things would just take thier course naturally and she'd be happy."
From his position, considering a the circumstances, it had been a reasonable enough assumtion to make. That still didn't really answer what Renji had felt about encouraging Momo's feeling for her captain. He said he thought of her as a little sister but in Rukia's situation that could be a bit of a double-edged blade, if Renji thought of Momo as a little sister and treated her with such affection anyway, then that could also mean that anything he might feel for Rukia would be lumped in the same category. Time for the important question.
"Well," Rukia said, trying to make her voice sound casual. "What if Aizen hadn't stepped into the picture? I mean, what if Hinamori hadn't developed feelings for someone that was so obviously, back then anyway, a good match for her."
Renji looked at her blankly, so Rukia pressed home her point.
"Would you still have continued to chase guys off from her?"
"Probably," Renji said, looking at her in confusion. "I wouldn't have wanted her to end up with someone who was going to treat her badly or make her unhappy."
Rukia rolled her eyes, amazed, though she knew she probably shouldn't be, at Renji's density. She really was going to have to spell things out for him!
"Renji, you know most people would take you scaring every man you don't like away from her as a sign that you liked her yourself, don't you?"
Comprehension dawned, but slowly.
"Oh! No! Nononono! That's definitely not the way it is, or was," he protested vehemently.
"Is that so," Rukia said, relying a little on that Kuchiki mask she'd developed over the last decade or so to hide her intense interest in his answer.
"I mean, of course I care about her, and if you care about someone, you naturally always want what's best for them but that doesn't mean I thought I was best for her or anything like that."
:Well... that's sort of an interesting answer,: Rukia thought to herself, caught a little off guard by the implications.
She should follow up on this, it seemed important.
"Well if that's the case for Momo, with Aizen and all, I suppose I could see how you'd feel that way," she said carefully. "But you must have at some time felt you were what's best for someone... or don't you think that way?"
Renji clammed up and went back to pretending to nap in the sunshine. Rukia was left feeling very much taken aback. What she was left with was a mystery. His refusal to answer would seem to imply that Renji didn't feel like he was good enough for someone! She'd grown up with Renji so she always thought of herself as the one who knew him the best out of anyone anywhere and at any time. Because of that, Rukia herself sometimes found herself falling into accepting the persona that Renji had developed for himself to make himself more apealing or acceptable to the world he'd fit around him... so much so that she forgot that at least part of it was a mask. She was so accustomed to thinking of Renji as this brash, powerfully confident and oddly charismatic man who made friends wherever he went and never suffered a moment's doubt in himself. He was so much admired and so swaggeringly boastful of his accomplishments that even Rukia forgot that at least part of all of his boasting and hornblowing was a way to build himself up so nobody could drag him down.
The Seireitei was filled to the brim with bluebloods that had pedigrees longer than the yearly Soul Roll, and Renji was not only not noble, not born inside the walls, but rather came from about as far out in the districts as it was possible to get. He had a lot to prove to people who would judge him before they ever knew him. Of course he always seemed confident, he had to because if he showed the least sign of wavering confidence, all of his detractors would pounce on that as the opportunity to tear him down, put him back on the bottom where they felt he belonged.
"Renji," she pressed a moment later. "Do you?"
"Do I what?" he grumbled in irritation.
His reiatsu was still too weak for Rukia to get a read on him like she usually could, but she could read him by his body language alone, he was pretending to be casual but he was too still, had that street-ready pose where he only looked relaxed but he could move at any moment if he wanted to.
"Do you ever feel like you're what's best for someone?"
"Couldn't have been a Lieutenant if I didn't," he muttered, clearly reluctant to answer her.
:And that's not really an answer either,: Rukia thought, beginning to feel irritated with him.
"That wasn't what I was talking about and you know it," she replied, her temper begining to heat up.
"I dunno know what yer on about, woman," he grumbled, his accent thickening a little. "First ya wanna talk about my rank, an' then about Momo."
He looked at her suspiciously.
"Is this some kinda weird, chicky, head-picking thing?"
"Maybe," she said, a little smugly. "We're back to being best friends again, we should talk about these things."
Renji gave her one of his famous flat looks.
"Funny, you don't look nuthin' like my Zabimaru," he said.
"You talk to your Zanpaktou?" Rukia said, trying not to sound like she thought that was the weirdest thing she'd ever heard.
"You don't?" he asked, sounding surprised.
"Not... not really," Rukia said. "Sode No Shiraiyuki and I aren't like you and Zabimaru, you two have been almost freakishly close since the Academy."
She recalled scoffing at him as a first year back when he'd told her that he saw a white form in his dream with a deep resonant voice and a rattling hiss. She'd accused him of making things up just to sound special because he was in the advanced classes and she was just a normal student (even though she'd been better at kido than him and more able to read an write!). Renji hadn't done anything really amazing at the Academy like develop a full shikai, so she'd always figured he was just trying to psyche her out. It turned out later that he really had been hearing and communing with his zanpaktou spirit even back then.
"Oh..." he said, his own look saying that he thought her lack of communication with her own blade was the weirdest thing ever. "Well that's... I mean..."
"Sode No Shiraiyuki isn't really much of a talker anyway," Rukia added quickly, feeling a bit defensive. "She's not social like your Zabimaru. She always seems to feel that a person learns a lesson better when they work things out for themselves, she's my partner not my teacher!"
"I don't see why they can't be both," Renji replied.
"Well they can't!" she snapped, suddenly feeling upset with him.
Rukia had a hard time getting to know her Zanpaktou, in fact her progress with the blade could probably be best described as glacial. Forty years with the blade at her side and in only the last decade had Sode No Shiraiyuki deigned to allow her shikai to develop, and even at that, the revelation of the different dances had been excruciatingly slow.
Renji sat back on his heels and looked straight at her, leaning forward and almost seeming to look into her.
"Stop that!" she snapped at him. "You're creeping me out."
"Hmm," was all he replied still looking at her intently, like a cat that had spied something moving in the grass.
"You just made third dance, yeah?" he said curiously.
"Yeah," she asked, narrowly resisting the urge to ask 'what of it?'
"You still fighting yourself?" he demanded, bluntly.
Rukia stared at him in appalled silence. She'd had decades of Kuchiki mask drilled into her from the instant she'd stepped a te into that Noble House, he absolutely should not be able to read her so easily.
:But this is Renji, we're dealing with,: Rukia reminded herself. :I forgot this guy's a savant when it comes to people.:
She was pretty certain that Renji's easy way of handling people was the reason why he'd gotten picked by her older brother for the second seat in Sixth Squadron. It shouldn't surprise her as much as it did that he'd still pick up on the lingering remnants of her previous inner torment. For the longest time Rukia had not been able to shikai her blade because she'd hated herself so much for what she'd done to her lieutenant. She'd literally had to fight herself first before she could even begin to try to communicate with Sode No Shiraiyuki.
"As it so happens," Rukia said with an attempt to save face by using her haughtiest tone. "I am not. Sode No Shiraiyuki and I have been growing by leaps and bounds together ever since..."
She looked back over at the gleaming white tower the stabbed up at the sky like a blaming finger from the top of Execution Hill, even now it was still hard to even think about that time and that place without a shiver.
"That's good, I'm glad to hear it. Everyone has thier own way of learning and thier own pace, no point in should-ing anybody, especially yourself. Just you remember that, Rukia," he said seriously.
"Idiot, I got it already," she grumbled trying to push down on the sudden upwelling of affection.
Renji always thought about the people he cared about, though because he always had to be such a male about everything he had a hard time expressing himself.
"What about you?" she asked. "You're going to be on medical leave for a while until all of your reiatsu grows back. Lieutenant Kotetsu said you're even weaker than I was after all the fuss at the Sokyouku, though you have this freakish ability to regenerate. Are you going to keep working with Zabimaru?"
"Idiot," he said flatly. "Are you kidding me? We just got bankai a month ago an' I still got a lot ta learn about it. As soon as we've recovered ain't nothing gonna hold us back."
"So," she said with carefully feigned casuality. "I suppose you'll be climbing ranks again."
Renji's mouth quirked to one side as though he were thinking about it and wasn't certain of the decision.
"Renji?" she pressed lightly, feeling a little uncertain.
"Actually," he said quietly with unusual hesitence for him. "I was thinking about maybe taking a little time off."
There was a surprised pause on Rukia's end as she took a moment for this unusual (and unwelcome) news to sink in.
"Oh. I um, that's... that's not really like you," she managed.
"I wasn't kiddin' when I said I was tired Rukia," he said softly. There was a sorrowful sort of almost desperation in his tone. "I'm tired all the time now, an' I can't shake it. I've tried. I can't get in touch with Zab's because my reiatsu's all burned out for now, I can't even light a candle. I feel like I swam upstream all the way out to district eighty and back all of the time. When I drag myself out of bed that's literally what it feels like, it feels like I'm fighting gravity the whole way. Even the simple excersizes leave me feelin' wore out."
Rukia looked at him in surprize and concern.
"Even when I get back up ta full strength I'm not sure I wanna climb ranks right away," he continued. "I'm just really tired all the time and I think... There's a lotta stuff that comes with being Seated, much less upper tier. It's a lotta work, a lotta responsibility, everyone always looks to you ta solve the problem, find the way, save the day. I'm usually cool with that, but I just think that right now I need ta take some time an' get out from under everything."
Rukia was disappointed to hear his announcement and immedidiately felt guilty for feeling that disappointment because she knew that it stemmed from her own selfish motives. She wanted Renji to go right back to being an upper level officer because she wanted to have him for herself instead of simply wanting what was best for him. She had always been leaning on him for strength (back when she'd been able to) and had never thought of herself as being strong enough for him to lean on in return.
:Not that I think he ever would, not really anyway,: she thought.
He had been the one to defend her in Hueco Mundo before they'd parted ways, telling Ichigo to stop babying her or trying to protect her because he was actually insulting her as a warrior on the field. She had never been so happy in all of her life to hear something because she'd always thought that he veiwed her as not being his equal. She might have the better kido skill but Renji was by far the better actual fighter of the two of them, he'd been a natural at zanjutsu in the Academy, in fact he'd been upper class and she'd been normal class before the Kuchiki's had come along. Renji had had his shikai for decades, almost (she'd heard) right out of the Academy, and he'd climbed ranks in Eleventh (which was where they kept all of thier really scary fighters) and been taken by Third Seat Madarame as a protege. He'd done all of this on his own, without needing anyone.
:Is it any wonder I sometimes think I must have been holding him back,: she thought a little sadly. :Even if he pretends we're equals I still don't feel that way yet, and how can I? He's still so far beyond me in terms of martial experience, he could probably march right out onto a battlefield today and clear up every Hollow in it.:
She'd made it to Third Dance, but she knew that there was still a lot for her to learn about her shikai before she was ready to even think about attempting Bankai, if she'd ever be ready at all. Bankai was still rare in Seireitei.
:Come to think of it... Renji's the only unseated officer in all of Seireitei beside's Ichigo that possesses a Bankai,: Rukia thought, a little amused at the inconguity of the sitation.
If her brother ever cut him loose from Sixth, there would be some pretty stiff competiton over which Squad would get to snap him up.
"Then you should take your own advice," she said after a long pause. "Take your time to heal up properly, don't push yourself too hard or you'll just have to take longer to do it right again if you injure yourself."
"Yes ma'am," he said lightly with one of his rare soft smiles, the kind that looked like he was smiling only for her and that made her heart beat a little faster. Rukia tried to ignore the little flutter she got in her chest, but she still couldn't help worrying about him. She knew how stubborn Renji could be, especially if his stupid male pride got in the way.
"I mean it Renji," she said seriously, taking one of his large rough-skinned hands in two of her smaller ones and making him look over at her to prove he was paying attention.
"Sure, sure," he said, clarly intending to brush off her concerns. Typical.
"Don't you sure, sure me," she replied, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at her.
"Promise me you'll take care of yourself," she commanded, because she knew better than to sound like she was asking him. Asking to Renji (and most males in rukongai) meant that it could be ignored when it became inconvenient because the request came from a weaker party.
"I'll be out in the field, Rukia. You know how it goes sometimes. I'll do my best to rest up, but I just don't think that it's going to be an option. Seireitei's short of upper-level personel right now on account of how many we lost to the war."
"I don't care what Seireitei's short of," Rukia replied. "Captain Unohana's placed you on medical restriction. As your Captain, it's nii-sama's responsiblity to see you're held to that restriction whether you like it or not."
An unreadable look passed behind Renji's eyes, but the look on his face said plainly enough that he didn't think much of that medical restriction... or how hard her brother might try to keep him on it.
"I mean it," she said seriously. "I know you're eagre to be back at it, and i know that's usually the way you play it, but you said yourself that this time is different. I want you take this seriously. Don't just brush it off, you could really hurt yourself."
"Huhn..." Renji said, a speculative look entering his face. "That seems a little odd though, considering."
"What is?" Rukia asked curiously.
"Nah, it's probably nothing," he shrugged. "This medical leave thing is really more of a suggestion anyway."
"No it's not," Rukia replied. "Captain Unohana has complete autonomy with regards to medical matters in Seireitei, even over and above the individual squad autonomy."
Each individual squadron was like its own little fiefdom, with the Captain of the division having near complete autonomy withint thier own demesne. None of the squads was supposed to interfere with the running of the other squads, with the exception of the Head Captain. A captain of one division could not dicipline or even interferre with the subordinates of another division, it was expected that he would lodge a complain with that divisions Captain and that Captain would deal with his own subordinate. Hearing that a Captain of one of the divisions could interferre with another went against the grain.
"That means that if she gives an order about a Reapers physical or mental well-being in particular and the Captain of the squad countermands that order, it has the same effect as that captain having disobeyed a command from the Head Captain."
It wasn't quite treason, that would only have been breaking one of the central laws of Seireitei or disobeying a direct command from Central 46, but it was certainly not a wise move. Renji would never want to be in any Captain's shoes if they decided to go against Captain Unohana. Disobeying the Captain Commander might earn you a retaliatory whoopin' but Unohana was a woman, and women often decided they were gonna be Civilized about things, when women got all Civilized things got scary. Particularly when Unohana herself was already scary.
"Captain Zaraki never seemed to much listen to what she says," Renji pointed out.
"Captain Zaraki is also crazy," Rukia replied.
"Don't call my old Captain crazy!" Renji snapped defensively, the strong loyalty he still felt for his old division rearing its head, even around Rukia.
"Whatever, we both know it's true," Rukia brushed it aside.
Renji let it be since he couldn't say with all honsety that she wasn't entirely right in questioning Captain Zaraki's sanity. He closed his eyes to nap in the sunshine a little more, not really caring if the fish were biting.
Rkia took the long silence to go over what she'd learned. The battle had weakened him more than any other fight before him ever had, including the once he'd fought against her brother. He didn't plan to start climbing ranks again right after he recuperated and that was unusual but not terribly surprising given his circumstances. He probably just needed time. Most importantly, Renji wasn't carrying a torch for Momo Hinamori but he lumped her in the little sister catagory so there was a large chance that Rukia herself was in there right along with her, in essence there was a large possibility that Renji didn't see her as a woman either.
:And I'd have no idea how I'm supposed to go about changing his mind on the matter,: Rukia thought a bit glumly. :I'll bet if my older sister were still around, she'd have some good advice for me.:
Rukia had always sort of been "one of the boys" and her list of female friends was practically nonexistent. She didn't have any women among the Reapers or the nobles or even her own servants she could really call a friend or go to for advice on this sort of thing. Her first real female friend had been Orihime, and she was firmly over on the mortal side of the spectrum. So she didn't have anyone she could really talk about this sort of thing and she'd slit open her own stomach before she'd ever bring the subject up with her brother. Rukia had never really felt any longing to connect with the mysterious sister she hadn't even known about until recently, but in this case it would have been nice to have a woman to talk to.
:I suppose that in the end I'll figure something out,: Rukia encouraged herself. :If he's stayed single this long I guess it can wait a bit longer, since it seems I don't have any competition to worry about. Renji's got enough on his plate right now without me pressuring him to rise in ranks so he can be a suitable match to me. Besides, he'll take a while to lick his wounds, while he's busy concentrating on that, I can study up on the feminine wiles thing and figure out a way to get him to notice me as a woman.:
It was amusing to her the way Ichigo was as dense as two short planks when it came to his noticing orihime's feelings towards him, though anyone else who could see and had a modicum of sense or skill with observation had twigged to it right away. It was vastly less amusing to her when she was the one having to be on the receiving end of said density.
:No wonder those two either get along too well, or fight all the time,: Rukia thought to herself. :There's nothing in the world that annoys so much as someone who reminds you too much of yourself.:
In the end, they didn't catch anything, and the worms ate most of their bait, but Rukia hadn't been angling to eat fish that night anyway. So far as she was concerned she'd gotten what she wanted out of the exursion. She still worried about Renji's health, but she had every confidence that, even if her brother was occupied with affairs of state Sixth Squadron would take care of its own. Even if it didn't, renji had always been both though enough and well liked enough to manage just fine left to himself. She'd have to put her faith in his ability to handle things.