Gain

"Suppose you could gain everything in the whole world, and lost your soul. Was it worth it?" – Billy Graham.

Bella's POV

Looking in the mirror, I barely recognised the girl staring back at me. My freshly blonde hair now hung in curls that didn't quite reach my shoulders, and thanks to a shop assistant, my wardrobe was now "edgier" as she'd called it. The combination of both projected a confidence and attitude I had never possessed; I had always been quiet, shy, and mousy. Without my plain girl-next-door appearance I didn't know who I was. I watched my reflection as realisation lit my eyes. I had left timid Bella Swan behind in Forks. Out here I could be whoever I wanted to be. It was an empowering revelation, reminding me once again that I finally had the freedom I had so desperately wanted. The problem was I still didn't know what I wanted to do with that freedom, or who I wanted to be.

Predictably, I crumbled in on myself, not quite ready for change. Yes, the idea that I was scared of change was ridiculous since I had willingly left behind everything I knew and flown across the country to a new place, but I was scared none the less. It had been so long since I truly made a decision for myself that I wasn't sure I even remembered how. Before I met Edward, I knew I definitely made my own decisions. Heck, I decided of my own volition to move to Forks for my mother's sake. But after almost a year of Edward trying to mould and manipulate me into the perfect girlfriend, my mindless zombie phase, and months of Jacob dictating my every move, I had become nothing but an indecisive wreck. In that moment, I had never been more disgusted by myself.

Maybe I wasn't as feisty as Leah, or as outspoken as Emily, but I had always been independent. Through my teenage years I had always been repulsed by the kind of girls who let their friends or their boyfriends tell them what to think or what to do. I'd always seen it as a sign of weakness; if you needed to be told such things, surely you must be incapable of deciding for yourself, right? I had become the epitome of what I had once hated. It was like I had sold my soul for a little taste of 'love', only a deal with the devil is never fair, so I'd been short changed. I never felt that true love, and I'd lost my soul. I was so weak. But instead of doing something to change that, I reverted to the plan, seeking the comfort of not having to make conscious decisions for just a little while longer.

I'd been in Michigan for three days, driving east from city to city in a hired car. I'd only stopped to sleep, visit the hairdresser, and get some new clothes. By now I was more than ready for a distraction, so it was time for me to move on. New York City was calling me, so I drove to the nearest airport, Detroit Metro. Thank God for Sat-Nav's.

It was just after midday when we touched down in La Guardia airport, and I was quick to find a modest hotel so I could drop off my luggage and explore. It was my first time in New York, and naturally the first place I gravitated towards was the Empire state building. With my camera in hand, I was ready for some serious tourist action. Only instead of the excitement I had anticipated, I felt an overwhelming sadness as I remembered promises made as a child.

"What does it look like in Phoenix?" Jake asked as we sat in the sand on first beach.

"It's dry, and warm," I smiled, imagining my home, "We don't have as many trees as you do here, but we have Cacti."

"I've never been to Phoenix," Jake sulked, "the furthest I've ever been from home is to the Makah rez, and that looks pretty much the same as this one."

"Poor Jakey-poo," I teased, using his sister's annoying nickname for him.

"You can't call me that anymore," he informed me seriously, "I'm eight now. I'm much too old to be called a baby's name."

"Whatever you say Jakey-poo," I stuck my tounge out at him, and he huffed.

"When I'm grown up I want to go places other than Forks and the Makah rez," he told me seriously.

"Like where?" I asked.

"Disney Land," he told me, "Oh! And the Grand Canyon. And that really tall building in New York. And…"

"The Empire State building?" I suggested.

"Yeah, that one," he grinned, "I want to go to Sea World too. A boy in my class said he went with his Dad last summer and he got splashed by a killer whale!"

"Cool!" I exclaimed.

"You wanna come with me?" Jake asked, smiling at me shyly.

"Of course! We can travel the whole country. It'll be like a road trip," I told him.

"Sweet, a road trip!" He excitedly announced before pausing, "Do you pinkie swear?"

I hooked my pinkie finger around his.

"I, Bella Swan, pinkie promise to go on a road trip with you, Jacob Black, when we're older and we can drive, or you can chop off my pinkie and feed it to a killer whale," I promised dramatically.

After a second we both burst into laughter.

Being stood here without Jacob was disrespecting his memory. My memories were all I had left of the boy I had once loved, and I couldn't afford to ruin them.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I muttered to myself, hitting my forehead with each word. Thankfully in New York City, that wasn't crazy enough to make anyone even bat an eyelid.

This was supposed to be my freedom. I was supposed to be enjoying myself and doing things that I'd always wanted to. But what was I gaining from this? Stood here tearing myself apart and tormenting myself with old memories was completely unproductive. I might as well have never left. I was a spineless, indecisive girl who had lost all grip of who I was or what I wanted. Even if I did fight for what I thought I wanted, I didn't know what to do with myself when I got it.

It was then it hit me. I was just as much at fault as Jacob was. We were the same he and I, in so many ways. I had let my sense of self be taken away from me by a boy. Jacob had had his stolen by a world he hadn't thought had existed. We were both lost and floundering in the dark, and got stuck with each other. It was the blind leading the blind, two dogs chasing their tails. Throw in the complications of the imprint and we were a disaster waiting to happen. It was inevitable all along, I was just too lost to see it.

There was no way Jacob and I could exist together unless we both remembered who we were and what we wanted. It was that simple. It wasn't something we could do together. We had to find it out on our own. I had confidence that, given time, I could do that. I just had to have hope that Jacob could do the same.

I went to the Empire State building, enjoyed being a tourist, and took a dozen pictures. Then I went to the gift shop and bought a post card and a cheesy key ring. That night I wrote to my Jacob, the one I remembered, the one I eventually hoped to meet again. I put a little piece of my heart on that rectangle of card, then put it safely in a shoebox with the souvenir key ring. That night, I decided not only would I do this everywhere I went, but I would come back to all of the places I visited with Jacob, just like I'd promised all those years ago.

One day, I would give him the shoe box, and all it's contents. But only if he found himself again.

Jacob Black and Pack POV

It had been ninety two agonisingly long hours since Jacob had last seen his imprint.

Ninety two hours of not knowing where she was.

Ninety two hours of not knowing if she was safe.

Ninety two hours of the constant, nagging pain in his chest.

He was learning to bear it. He had to for the sake of his pack. As Alpha, his pack and his tribe depended on him. So he forced himself to go on, even though it was quickly draining what little resources he had left to give.

The last few days had been chaotic to say the least. His trial had gone as smoothly as he had expected. There was no way Jacob's father would let his only son be exiled, or even ridiculed. Billy was loyal like that, and Jacob was more than happy to take advantage of that. Even so, the punishment he was given was more perfect than he could have imagined. Making the council think they had punished him, whilst gaining face with the tribe, the pack, and Charlie Swan very much worked to his advantage. Having the council's help in finding Bella was just the icing on the cake. He felt very smug, that was until he heard what his pack were saying about it.

Quil comparing Jacob's imprint to a forced marriage then accusing him of treating Bella badly enraged the wolf. For the second time since he had phased, Jacob found himself pleading with his wolf for the life of another, this time for the life of one of his best friends. They came to an agreement: Quil could live if he was sent to find Bella. That way he couldn't anger the wolf for a while. Jacob knew it was wrong to even consider putting conditions on the life of a friend, but morality had flown out the window some time ago. Practicality was far more important.

Quil and Paul left that evening. It was reassuring to Jacob that soon his imprint would be back with him, safe, and where she belonged. However, the pack was struggling with the separation. Not only were patrols heavier, but they lacked balance as a whole. If possible, the pack was functioning less. Arguments and disagreements were rife, which was surprising seeing as Jacob had purposefully sent away the two main instigators. It had only been two days, but he was already at the point of tearing his hair out.

Leah and Embry bickered constantly. Jacob knew Embry was missing Quil, the two boys having practically grown up as brothers and not gone for long without seeing each other. He also knew that Leah and Paul's banter and playful arguments allowed both of them an outlet and kept their tempers more steady. Jared and Sam had sort of banded off as their own group of two. Really, it was Paul who connected them to the rest of the pack. They came to Pack gatherings to see him. They had been friends for years. Without him, they spent all their time with their imprints, and they patrolled together so Jacob hadn't seen either of them since the trial.

In a bid to keep his sanity intact, he changed the patrol schedules. Sam and Embry would patrol together, whilst he alternated between patrolling with Leah and Jared. He hoped it was a solution that would stop the constant noise in his head. It was crowded enough in there as it was.

In addition to all the Pack madness, Jacob also had made a start to his reparations. He had apologised to every member of his pack, and personally to every member of the council. The hardest Part was Charlie Swan.

Charlie agreed tersely to let Jacob into his house to repair the damage he had created on the condition that another member of the pack went with him. A small part of Jacob felt hurt that Charlie, who he had always looked up to as a pseudo-uncle, clearly didn't trust him. The wolf overruled that, not caring about sentiment. To him, Charlie Swan was just another obstacle between him and his mate.

Jacob was meticulous in his reconstruction of his imprint's room. After all, he'd spent hours sat in there observing. He had it perfectly ingrained in his memory. Whilst rehanging the wardrobe door, he dropped a screw, which typically rolled under the bed. Cursing, he followed its path. As he reached under the bed, something caught his eye. He grabbed the escaped screw, then stuck his hand under the mattress. What he was rewarded with was more than he could have expected. It was a list. It took him a while to understand what it was but when he did he couldn't help but smile. It was a list of places Bella was planning to visit. The clever girl hadn't gone to her mother's, but was instead travelling from place to place so he couldn't find her. Beneath his wolf's anger, he felt a little proud of his imprint. He left her bedroom perfectly reorganised, down to the papers on her desk.

It was ready for her to come home to. Jacob smiled. It would be sooner than she would have thought.