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Chapter four:

He was starting to use the word hopefully too much; soon, the word would have no meaning, just like the words in this fashion article he was reading of Alice's. He didn't really want to read the article – Alice had been prattling on about how black is the new grey, or something, and got on his nerves so much, he gave in.

It distracted him though, and for that he was grateful. As long as his thoughts were off that, his family, and himself – mainly, had nothing to worry about. Just as long as that dangerously swaying wall stayed up. Just. As. Long.

It could be seconds.

It could be a year.

Maybe a decade.

Maybe not.

Who knows?

He certainly didn't.

And it wasn't like he could go straight to Alice with his problem, because she couldn't see the mental part. All she could see if evil, monster Edward; red eyes, sucking innocence people's blood, hunting down innocence prey. So, of course he could go to her with this gut-wrenching problem – that would just drive her away.

He just needed to stop thinking about it.

And reading that damn article.

"Please, stop!" the girl's voice was high pitched, but it was hard to tell because of the way she was screaming. Her blood was a strong taste; copper and iron with just the right amount of sweetness to last Edward a life time, and he gulped down the delicious liquid.

Her heart beat was getting weaker, but he could hear it pounding through her skin, it's every beat bouncing off his skin as if someone was bouncing a ball off a wall. Her blond hair was everywhere, but was swept to the side as Edward drank and drank and drank…

He couldn't stop. He wanted more. Her friend was beside her, frozen in the sheer terror of it all. Her mouth fell open to scream to, but Edward had already dropped her best friend to the ground and started ripping open her neck, his teeth searching to try and find the right vein to drink from.

And he got it.

His prize was the delicious taste of her blood. He could hear her terror through her thoughts, her saying her last goodbyes in her head to her family. He was to busy draining her to feel guilty about all the people that would loose this woman in front of him, to busy sucking up all the vital liquid that kept her alive.

Edward stumbled back when she pushed, his mouth still latched on to her pretty pale neck, and he accidentally kicked the stomach of her best friend. Suddenly remembering something.

That was two meals in one hunt.

Bargain, that evil voice that growled softly normally was now loud and caused a pounding in his head as he sucked the last drops of the woman.

He dropped her dead weight. Her body hit the ground like a dead fish. His smile was the biggest smile he had ever worn.

His next task: bigger meals.

The voice and monster deep within wasn't fully satisfied. He need to satisfy it.

The memory had caused him to loose his breath. He could still taste the silky smooth blood in his mouth; the feeling of the dead weight in his arms and he smiled evilly. He could still remember the pride he had when the voice had told him how proud he was of him.

He should have felt guilty.

He didn't. That night he had moved onto another bar, another street, another town, and had hit on two girls there. Later, he had sucked there blood as well.

That was two memories in one night. This wall had cracks in its foundations. Soon, there would be no wall. And that was never meant to happen. Not now.

Not ever.

Carlisle had talked to him when he came back from his third hunting trip in four days. Usually, before the wall had started its need to sway, he would hunt once or twice a fortnight. Now? He was hunting four times, maybe even five in about a week.

It was obvious that Carlisle was worried; Edward tried to imagine himself in Carlisle's shoes before the voice growled at him, telling him to the get that thought out of his head right now. The rational side of Edward's brain had tried to put up a fight; tried to fit the evil, but he had no such luck. Suddenly, his mind was filled with possibilities of how to get rid of Carlisle, and then everyone in his family.

There was something wrong with him.

Carlisle had agreed to – the way he stood before him, telling him to maybe head down to the Denali for a few days, just to detoxify himself and make sure he was okay to live in society. Carlisle hadn't worded it that way, but Edward read between the lines. He knew what it meant.

'You're dangerous'. 'Leave before you hurt anyone'.

And he would. And hopefully come back a better person, and his mind in the right place.

Hopefully.

Tanya and Kate were waiting for him when he had gotten up there; Tanya with her sickly sweet baby smile and strawberry blond hair, and Kate with her beautiful blond hair and yellow sparkling eyes. Both had greeted him with politeness he didn't deserve, and he had nodded in response before heading off to his allocated room and stayed there.

For a week.

He hadn't fed for a week. The hunger was intoxicating, and he had found himself nearly snapping the bedposts the few times Eleazar asked him to go hunting.

Before, when he had made the crazy decision to not feed, he hadn't really thought it through. Now, apart from occasionally thinking about Forks and Esme, Carlisle and his siblings, he was almost constantly thinking about blood. The gooey sweet thickness of it, how it ran down his throat as easily as water had once done. Nothing could stop him from thinking about it.

Irina had come to talk to him about something, but he hadn't been paying attention, just staring at her glossy pale neck, thinking about how nice it would be to rip it apart. How it shined slightly when it hit the light in a certain way. How it twinkled like thousands of little diamonds.

He had come to see his fascination with necks just about a week ago, when he was almost caught staring at this one girl's neck. It was in Chem; and the autumn rain had almost started, letting one or two drops go. This girl had come in late, soaking wet. As she shook herself off, a raindrop ran from her hair onto her neck, magnifying it to the monster within Edward. The table had nearly cracked under the weight of his fingers, and it certainly creaked in protest.

"Edward," A sweet voice broke through his daydream. "Oh, Edward."

His head shot round to Carmen, who was standing in the doorway. "We're going hunting again. I could bring something back for you if you don't want to come out."

He nodded a thank you. She stood with her arms folded over her chest; distinctively reminding him of Esme and the way she tried to be stern. He known that Carlisle had talked to Carmen and Eleazar about what was going on, and it was obvious Carmen got it better. She had made the right decision not to ask him along. He shouldn't be out.

Ever.

Not until the wall stop swaying.

And hopefully, the wall stayed up.

He was really over playing the hopefully.

The memories were coming back more.

Painful, hurtful ones.

He had blacked out yesterday. Hadn't remembered a thing past six in the evening. It was starting to worsen. Suddenly, he wasn't just a vampire with issues. He was a vampire who was consuming the issues, using them to drive him. And he was slowly loosing the control to his mind. The rational part still lived, but it was slowly dying down just like the human part of his brain. Suddenly, the voice started acting up again, asking him to do this, and do that. Hurtful things that should never be done.

Yesterday, the memory wasn't all that bad. It was the blacking out part afterwards. Eleazar had told him that he had mainly stayed in the library, but had slipped out about an hour before midnight for two hours. There was only one dangerous question.

What had he done during that two hours?

He could have done horrible things. Given in to the voice in his head, telling him to suck that girl dry, or that man dry. Telling him it was the right thing to do when it wasn't. The murdering of innocent people wasn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do was to finally admit he had a problem.

But after he had drank the animal blood Carmen handed to him after his memory, the rational part was gone, and came back the voice, telling him he couldn't tell.

So he didn't.

He didn't know what it was; every time he went to pick up the phone to tell Carlisle that he really did need help, something shut off in his mind, and he totally lost the train of thought.

And it was replaced by the memory. The night he had killed Mrs Jane Rogers of Texas.

It was during the night; Texas was going through a massive heat wave, and for a vampire who sparkled when in contact with the sun, people would know he was different.

The bar was jam-packed with people; dancing, sweating with the humid air that still hung around. Girls were scattered all around, looking for the perfect man to dance with, maybe even take home. And Monster Edward was in exactly the right place. He smiled in anticipation, and ordered himself a whiskey to keep up pretences.

After he had gotten his order from the bar man, who had to lean over him to get a glass and practically wave around his neck to Edward, he sat and waited. Waited for the perfect woman to walk by, past the exit or to the ladies room. So he waited and waited and waited.

She was one of the last people to leave the bar, just after the couple that were practically kissing the life out of each other. She grabbed her coat, tipped her cowboy hat and walked right on out.

Edward followed.

He loomed in the shadows like the dark man that he was; the darkness hiding him from the view of his prey. He stalked precisely – he could hear her heartbeat had a normal beat to it, unaware that she was being followed, no, stalked. He was waiting for the right time to strike, waiting for the right time where she wafted her hair over her shoulder, splaying her neck on view.

He pounced, his teeth straight away tearing a vein, or maybe nicking and artery, either way, he was drinking and draining her off her blood. Her heart was pounding and pounding now, and it was as if it had suddenly run off because the life left her soon afterwards. Edward just carried on sucking until every last drop was gone, before dropping her body to the ground.

The hard concrete ground.

He went to the funeral of that one. She was one of his first kill, when he still had a heart, and still cared. It was before the monster ruled him, before he just went for it, instead of preying and pouncing.

Lord knows what other memories will pop up.

Hopefully, it will stop now, before he blacks out for longer and can't remember what he had done.

Hope you like it :)