Hey!

I'm back!

Again!

Sorry for the remission. It seems like my life becomes more demanding every day and I don't have time for writing anymore. Hopefully, I will be able to start writing on a regular basis again in the upcoming months and throughout summer.

Also, yikes! I've just read the previous chapters of this story, and I'm embarrassed, to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my work and don't completely hate it, (that's why I'm continuing this story,) but there are a lot of things that I wish I could do over. I deleted the most recent chapter because, In my opinion, It was the worst one and didn't communicate what I wanted it to. I would like to change a few things in the following chapters, and I am going to describe them here so that you guys can let me know if you agree, or have different ideas. If you don't really care, feel free to skip the rest of this author's note and enjoy the story. First of all, I would like to change how I am portraying Tobias and Tris's relationship. I feel that I have oversimplified and sexualized it in ways that are boring and unrealistic. For the readers who like the relationship development stuff, don't worry! As of now, I don't plan on reducing this content, and If I do, It won't be by much. I only intend on changing it into the more complex and meaningful relationship that it is. Another thing I would like to change involves the centerpiece of the story- how the war affected Tris and Tobias, and how they rebuild their lives afterwards. I want to strengthen all aspects of this topic, and explore my ideas of how this might happen. I would also like the build meaning within the initiates as characters, and not just as tools to emphasize overgeneralized and washed out themes.

With that, It's time to continue onto the story! Thank you always for reading, and if you don't mind, tell me what you think in the reviews!

Much love,

Aly

Disclamer: All rights belong to Veronica Roth.

"You're in for it now, Ms. Prior."

I roll my eyes at Tobias's comment, remind myself that the initiates are under the memory erasing serum, and bring my mind to the task at hand- fighting Four. I've fought him countless times as practice; he is constantly reminding me that we are both still targets to a lot of people, and insists that we be prepared to defend ourselves in any situation. For months we dealt with our scars by masking them with the physical pain of strengthening and tuning our bodies. Mornings were early, nights were late, runs were long, and showers were shared.

It was cycle of invariability, something both of us needed for a while. Alarm clocks set to 4:30 AM, strength training first, smoothies for breakfast, 4 miles running, knife throwing and shooting, lunch, combat fighting for practice, 5 mile run, more strength training, dinner, simulation training or modified defense scenarios, 1 mile sprint, shower, and finally, the minty salve that Tobias had always used. I'd adopted this practice, and so it happens, the smell I 'd learned so long ago to associate with safety and love still prevails in my darkest times. I would awake from my nightmares, and Tobias would massage my aching muscles with the minty consolation, whispering soothing melodies into my hair until I drifted off into another thin veil of sleep, and I would do the same for him. Those months meant so much to me, and fighting Tobias was always a welcome distraction. When he won, I still felt strong; I felt strong because I knew that he was safer. When I won, I felt the same. I knew he did too, and it was beautiful.

The noise of Tobias snickering at my reverie brings me back to the moment.

Tobias steps right, and I mirror him, but It distracts me from his right arm reaching diagonally to take my right bicep and cross my arm across my body. He also takes this opportunity to force me against the wall, but I slide my foot between his legs and lift my leg, pressing my shin against his knees. This succeeds in keeping his back for a moment, but I lose my balance and he easily pushes me to the floor, fighting gravity for me just before I hit the cement to protect my head. Now he straddles my body, pinning me down, and looks at me sternly, and I know why, but I'm not willing to give up this fight just yet.

Allowing him to distract himself with chastising me, I remain still. "You would have died." He says, teeth gritted.

"I didn't." I say, knowing this will infuriate him. Tobias often forgets to play the mental aspects of fighting an enemy who you know inside-out and backwards.

"We're starting training again." He says, still set on scolding me for the poor defensive tactics. "You would have died." he repeats.

I snicker. "Only if we got lucky." I say with raised eyebrows and gritted teeth. The ghost of a smile plays on my lips, and I observe as Tobias snaps, aggressively, emotionally, and suddenly.

"Not funny, Beatrice."

"Not a joke, Tobias."

That was the final straw. "TRIS." He commands, making a few of the initiates jump. I try to lose my nerves by remembering that they are under the serum. "You didn't give up before, and you aren't going to give up now, or ever. You are NOT going to leave me. You know what happened last time, in Erudite. It will happen again. You die, I die, remember?"

Tobias's arms have relaxed significantly, and his eyes are glossy with emotion and concern, features steeled. I slowly move my arms to his chest, and pull him by his shirt down to my face. "I love you. I'm not going to leave; but you need to remember something."

"What?" He asks, puzzled and suddenly suspicious.

I take his few moments of distraction to pull my legs out from under him, and with a swift motion, I stand and elbow his jaw.

"Psychological coercion can be just as powerful as physical pain and force."

Tobias touches his lip, where I have split it, and looks at the dark blood on his fingers. A cocky smile emerges on his lips and he looks up at me, beaming. "I knew my girl was kicking around somewhere in there. I'm glad she decided to show up."

He steps forward, raising an arm, and I lift my own to block the blow, but it doesn't come. Instead, I feel it in my stomach, hard. I cough, trying to regain my composure, but I can't fight back yet. Tobias continues stepping towards me, watching me gasp for breath, as he has dozens of times, but each time his expression is the same. It hurts him, watching me suffer. It hurts him, but he watches anyway. He pushes. Harder and harder, because he wants to see how far I can go. I remember what he told me during initiation, and I remember when Peter was hitting me, so hard and so much, and I remember how badly it hurt. But I also remember how the sight of Tobias leaving hurt more.

I remember what he said.

"I was a coward. I couldn't watch Eric torture you over and over again and never be able to do anything about it. I couldn't do anything because I didn't take that damn leadership position, because I was afraid. That whole time, every second that I watched you suffer because of me I wished I had. There were times when I would have given anything to go back and change my mind, but it was too late." So Tobias sat, with pained eyes and a cold heart and watched as long as he could, and when he couldn't, he left. Walked away, and got drunk, wishing he had me to hold in his arms and tell me he was sorry.

"But there was something about you," he had said, "that I couldn't let go of. You were strong, and brave, and you fought harder for what you believed in then anyone I've ever seen. A part of me wanted to push you until you snapped, just to see what it would take, because I knew it would be immense. You were all of the stars in the night sky, and I was just the wishes made on you that would never come true, sparkling and broken."

My breathing returns in a cold rush, but by this time, Tobias has edged me against the wall. I knee his ribcage and his face pulls taught, but he pushes on, boxing me in. I lift my arms, aiming for a hit to the bridge of his nose, but he catches my wrists and molds my arms where he likes like play-doh. He pulls them above me head against the wall with one hand, and puts the other on my cheek, drawing circles with his thumb. His face is inches from mine, and I can feel his warm breath on my lips. He pulls his forehead to mine, and I audibly inhale at his touch. Mind games have always been an important aspect of beating each other at combat fighting. Tobias holds my chin and outlines my lips with his thumb. He slides his finger into my mouth and I suck for a moment, and then bite down, hard. He is surprised and I know it hurt, though he laughs and shakes his head.

I pull my elbows together and hit him hard. He lets go and steps back, dazed. I take two uppercuts to his jaw and knee him in the stomach, and with a hard kick to his ankle as he steps forward, he trips and falls onto me. I use my legs to roll over until I'm on top of his chest and hold his wrists down under my knees. He smiles up at me, blinking slowly. I gently wrap my cool fingers around his neck, just to show that I've won, and he smiles at me.

"But you're Four... Dauntless prodigy and without a doubt, the best ground combat fighter we've ever trained, so why did she win?" One of the initiates asks.

I move my hands from his neck, confident now in my stance in this fight, cup his face, and give him a kiss on the forehead. I let Tobias move his arms free but stay straddling him.

"Yeah Four, why?" I laugh, half joking, half serious.

"Because she's the only person I've trained hard enough to beat me. I figured, if she can defend herself that well, she'll be safe from everyone, including me."

The reality of Tobias's honesty catches me by surprise, but I know what he means. There have been a lot of situations where both of us wished I would have been better prepared to fight Tobias.

I slide off of him and we stand up.

"What do you mean?" The same girl asks.

"If I were ever to be in a simulation, like I was during the war when Jeanine specially engineered one to control me, Six needs to be able to defend herself. I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of, but I do know that she is the single most important thing in my life, and I will go to any measure to keep her safe. This is just a way for me to make sure I don't have any power over her. I trust myself, but not enough, not with her life. There are lot of people that want us dead, and will never want to live without her, I'd never be able to."

"That's not true. You would be fine." I whisper, but I know it is, because I feel the same way. I just wish it wasn't.

"You die, I die, remember?" He responds, and then louder, "Any other questions?"

"Why don't you teach anyone else to fight like that?"

"It took years of practice, intense and continuous training, and a whole lot of experience that hopefully none of you will be forced to acquire. The price is high, but the cost of losing Tris is higher. None of you have a need that meets the price you pay to become what we are."

"Four is right. The things we did to get this way probably seem crazy to a lot of you, but they were necessary for us. We made a list of every single thing we wished we could have been stronger in wake of, and found a way to build that strength so that we would never feel anymore powerless than we had to."

"Like what?"

"Rape, murder, classical torture, kidnapping, physical assault, simulation torture, psychological aggression, psychological torture, the list goes on, but the plan stays the same. Be ready."

"I still don't understand. How can you prepare for those sorts of things?"

"Oh, you would be surprised at how creative we were. Some of the things we did were kind of fun, and some were scary and absolutely crazy, and a lot of them were really hard for us to do, especially because we almost always had to hurt each other, and that can be extremely psychologically difficult and painful. I mean, some of the things we did we completely insane, but we did them anyways."

"What things did you do? And also, if they were so crazy, why did you do them?"

I'm starting to get nervous because I've never told anyone besides Tobias a lot of the things I'm saying now, but I take Tobias's hand, and he squeezes, reminding me that it's okay, that the serum will make them forget everything. So I take a breath and answer.

"We did this type of thing because when you have scars that never heal, people that remain alive and dangerous in your nightmares, and constant anxiety because 1 in 6 people have motive to kill Tobias or myself, you need a strong distraction, and this was it for us. Do you really want to know about what we did?"

I'm hoping she will say no.

"Yes."

Tobias takes my hand into both of his and plays with my rings like he does when one or both of us is nervous. His touch makes me feel stronger, so I continue.

I smile. "We did all sorts of things. A lot of them seem extreme, because they were, and a lot of them were difficult or painful, but they made us stronger. We hung our list of every experience or lesson that had to happen, one for me, one for him. We still haven't finished it, but I think we're going to start working on it again. When we failed one, we would go back to it later, and keep moving..."

Thanks for reading everyone! I know that chapter seemed strange because Tobias and Tris were acting so much differently around the initiates, but remember the context of the scene, that the initiates are under the memory loss serum. I wanted to make this type scenario to show how, (my versions of,) Tobias and Tris would tell their story without really telling it.

I liked the idea of The List, so I am going to continue Tris's description of it in the next chapter. It is going to be extreme, but it is going to be this way on purpose, because in reality, when all you know becomes fighting and survival in the way that it was for them, you suffer post-traumatic stress, and this is what I'm trying to depict. PTSD comes in many dynamic forms, and I am using their extreme lifestyle so show how they have coped with what has happened, as well as demonstrate that there is still a lot of danger for them right now. (This will be expanded on later in the story.)

Thank you so very much for reading. If you have any suggestions, I would be super happy if you could let me know in the reviews! If you loved it, please do the same!

Be brave always,

Aly.