Story Summary: 790 finds a "fanfic" about the Lexx crew that is adult in nature.

Notes: Based on the idea that the Lexx crew would be either amused or horrified by my fanfiction. Originally composed June 2009, but the Internet can always use more Lexx 'fics. Gen. Cross-posted to Archive of Our Own.

Bad Fic, No Biscuit

Xev poured over the words, only partially understanding. Her eyes returned to the punctuation, to the separation of paragraphs, to the dialogue encased between the dark squares of narration.

She couldn't read English, but 790 could translate anything.

"It says, my darling sugar lump, that you are..."

790's eyes widened. He couldn't read this aloud. It was bordering on blasphemous.

Xev shook the robot head and pointed impatiently at the vidscreen.

"What does it SAY?"

"Oh please my love, don't make me read it..."

"I order you to tell me what it says!"

790 resisted.

"You love me, don't you?"

Now that was just unfair.

"Yes, my gorgeous one."

"Then read it."

Errrrg. This was sickening. If he had a body, he'd throw up.

"Can't I just summarize the trainwreck? Once you know what it's about, you won't want me to give you the..." Blech. "Horrible details, anyway."

Xev's eyebrow raised in curiosity.

"Is it violent?"

790 hesitated. He could lie, or he could disturb his love and possibly risk being thrown across the room. But she looked like she might throw him across the room anyway.

"Er...not exactly."

"Is it...sexual?" she asked, the start of a grin pulling at her lip.

"Unfortunately." Xev gave him an insulted look. "By which I mean..." But 790 couldn't delay the revelation any longer. "It involves a certain fleshrag by the name of Stanley Tweedle."

Xev's eyes widened, then narrowed. She tried to think of the most optimistic possibility. Perhaps the story entailed them seducing some beautiful lovers finally and had a happy ending.

"So you mean we get laid?" she chirped.

790 just grimaced and tried not to groan in disgust. The words were starting to sear into his databanks. He was going to delete any memory of this "fanfic" as soon as possible.

"In a manner of speaking."

Xev frowned. "Don't even tell me..."

"I tried not to, my love!" 790 exclaimed, but instead of damaging his casing, Xev just shook her head and sighed in exasperation.

"Stanley has sex with ME in this story, doesn't he?"

790 started to bawl. He was too damn emotional for a robot.

Xev just shrugged, to his confusion.

"Figures," she said, and he couldn't understand why she wasn't upset.

Just then, the man in question walked into the room.

"Ooh, a vidscreen! With words!" He squinted at the screen, then gave a disappointed little noise. "Oh, it's in some weird alien language."

790 decided then he wouldn't give Stan the satisfaction of knowing what the story was about. But Xev was ahead of him. What was wrong with her today?

"It's some kind of story about us," she told him.

Stan looked bewildered.

"Someone wrote a story about us?"

Xev shook her head. "Try not to overthink it too much," she advised him, then went back to squinting at the vidscreen.

"Who wrote it?" Stan asked, and 790 was relieved he hadn't asked the content.

"Some imbecile who can barely put a pen to paper," 790 replied. But Stan pointed at the vidscreen and Xev covered her mouth. 790 tried to reassure himself that it was to choke back her own vomit, but from the corner of his eye, he could see her suppressing a laugh.

Stan just pointed at the screen and stated the obvious. "Sure are a lot of big words for just an imbecile."

790 lied, "Oh, big words in this language are like small ones in ours. And their frequency only perpetuates the stupidity of the sentence structure."

Xev could not contain herself any longer. "He's having you on, Stan. Someone wrote a pornographic story about us."

Stan smiled. "Hey, I knew my reputation would get out there someday! How many readers has this thing had, or can you tell?" he asked 790 eagerly.

790 just rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Augh, will you get this cretin away from me! It's bad enough I had to read about him humping..." He amended what he was going to say. "...some brainless moron, and now he's in my personal space."

Xev slapped the robot head. "Hey, that 'brainless moron' was me!" Apparently she hadn't interpreted his pause correctly.

Stan's mouth formed a perfect 'o' for a second before he composed himself, but he kept glancing over at Xev every couple seconds like a teenager.

"You mean me and her...?" 790 started to growl at him. "That's awesome!"

He would have given Xev a highfive, had he known what one was, or if she would ever let him. Xev just crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

"Well, this has been interesting," she said sarcastically, "but I think you may be right, 790. I don't need it read aloud to me."

"Oh come on!" Stan pleaded. "I want to hear at least a quote!"

790 grew testy. "You do not want to push me, Tweedle!"

Luckily, Kai entered the room.

"What is the commotion?"

"Oh, someone wrote a porno about me and Stan," Xev supplied casually. What was wrong with her today, 790 continued to wonder.

Stan did a little dance of victory. "This is just about as good as the real thing. I wonder how many people are reading it right now?"

790 felt like screaming with fury.

"Kai," he asked, "Do you understand this alien language?" Please say no, he thought.

The undead assassin leaned over to look at the vidscreen and squinted.

"I believe I can translate it, but the dialect is one I am unfamiliar with."

"Read a bit, come on," Stan goaded. Xev started to leave the room.

"'No panties under her leather skirt, she'd ease herself down onto that warm, hard...'"

"ENOUGH!" 790 cried.

Stan turned to give Xev an eager look.

"How about it? Huh? Huh?"

She just casually flipped him off and left the room. He shrugged, having not expected her to emulate her fictional self anyway.

At this point 790 shut himself off.

"What's his problem?" Stan asked.

Kai replied, "Information overload."