Epilog

"The Secrets We Keep"

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The room was filled with a busy quiet. He could see Marin sitting a few rows in front of him, playing absently with her pen while she had another hand at her temple. She had been scribbling frantically for the past half an hour and was now staring unmoving at her desk – most probably checking the answers she'd written so far.

Next to him, Alan was frantically writing and erasing answers, tabbing absently with his foot against his desk, earning him a dark frown from Brigs every now and then. They still had a few minutes before the chime would sound and would seal whatever fate was waiting for them.

His eyes dropped down to his own PADD and the answers he'd already put in two hours earlier. It was perfect. He didn't even need to have another look at the questions to know that he'd get full points. All the last months he'd been so nervous, studying with his friends to try to stuff as much information into his head as humanly possible. It was their final exam after all. And he wanted it to be the culmination of all his efforts during the last seven years. Only now that he held the exam in his hands, did he realize how much pressure he'd put himself under. He had wanted to make his medical finals perfect. To show for once what he could really do.

Idly, his gaze wandered to the front part of the room where Dr. Jennsen and Mr. Edwards were standing with watchful eyes, making sure that none of their students came up with the idea to take a look at the results of their neighbors. At the sight of his two teachers, he felt a stab of nostalgia. After seven long years they'd finally part. After seven long years his days at Starfleet Medical were finally coming to an end. At the thought, he felt his heart grow heavy. They were his family. And everything he had. It would be difficult to go on to a new part of his life. To leave all this behind. All his friends. All the memories, to move on to something new.

Sighing, he watched Marin who still went through her test answers. She was going to stay on Earth. Dr. Jennsen had offered her a post as her assistant. She was going to continue her research at Starfleet Medical, perhaps even becoming a teacher herself. She'd always been one for teaching others, he thought fondly, remembering all their study session together. After the incident with Amos four years ago, it had been her who'd come day by day to the infirmary after classes were over, bringing him her lecture notes and going with him over the things he'd missed on that day. He had missed almost four weeks of his courses by the time he'd been finally released from under the watchful eyes of Dr. Theissen – and that with their midterm exams waiting for them only another month later. But thanks to Marin he'd managed to catch up in time.

And Alan. Last month he'd applied for a post at the Jupiter station to work with the specialists there. He still hadn't given up on his brother, and he'd sworn that he'd find a cure to save his brother's life. He didn't doubt that he would. Some time sooner or later.

Brigs sudden cough pulled him from his reverie. He squinted sideways and saw the burly young man stooped over his desk, scribbling down notes after notes. He'd spent the last couple of months preparing for the final exam. His big dream was to serve aboard a starship to explore the unknown territories of space. On which ship didn't matter. As long as it was a spaceship – not a space freighter. He had been very insistent on that one. He'd been talking of nothing else for the past year, until Marin had come up with the idea that if anything he should try something really big and apply for a post on the Enterprise. Brigs had dismissively waived his hand at that time, but it had been hard not to notice the sudden twinkle in his dark eyes.

Inhaling deeply, his gaze dropped again down to his own PADD. So where would life take him? Edwards had suggested to take the post on the USS Lexington. It would have been everything he'd ever wanted. But he had already made up his mind. When there was one thing he wanted, then it was to go on an adventure. Frontier medicine. Finding new ways to help people. Making do with what little resources one had on the frontier. Finding out what you really were made of. Finding out how far you could go. A space station on the edge of space. New challenges. New things to discover. New people to help. Starting all over again.

He sighed.

Starting all over again. There had so much happened during the last years. Now, in hindsight, the last years had been the best and worst in his whole life. His gaze strayed over to the row of chairs in front of the room where Dr. Thomas and Dr. Theissen were sitting. Then to Mr. Edwards and Dr. Jennsen and the others at their side. All their teachers were present at this occasion. Everyone who had watched over them during the last years, who had helped them, shared their happiness as well as their worries. Everyone who'd accompanied them on the long path of growing up and finding their ways. At the thought, he suddenly felt a stab of pain, old wounds threatening to open again. Everyone who had watched over them. He wistfully stared ahead, for some moments completely lost in his thoughts, but then he just shook his head and pulled himself together. He'd learned to stand on his own feet. He'd learned to go on and deal with the pain. He'd put the things that had happened behind him. It was no time to look back – he was soon going to be a commissioned Starfleet officer. He was soon going to start a new life many lightyears away from here. If anything, he should be looking forward to everything that would be waiting for him there. It was like a new chance. A new beginning.

Start all over again.

His gaze strayed over to Alan who was still scribbling frantically answers down on his PADD. Then to Marin who had started to hastily rewrite what she had already written. Then to Brigs who was ruffling his hair, obviously trying hard to remember the answer to a certain question.

Then his gaze dropped down to his own PADD. To the neatly written answers there. To the perfect explanations neatly strung together.

"Only ten more minutes," he heard Dr. Jennsen's voice from somewhere before him.

He'd never really learned what had become of Amos after that day. Even after all these years, he caught himself wondering – every now and then – what he might be doing right now. If he was leading a new life somewhere. If he was still doing his research at some distant place. And he couldn't help wondering if Amos had ever thought of him again. Had the thought ever crossed his mind what he would be doing by now? Had he ever wondered if he was even still alive?

After the events on that day, he'd struggled to take up where he'd left off. But it had been hard. Everything in Starfleet Medical had reminded him of Amos. Every time he had walked down the long corridor to the science labs, it had been like if he'd traveled back in time. So close. Yet so far away. The blissful days forever out of reach. It had been a hard struggle to come over all this. To go on with his life and get over everything that had happened. He had tried to fit in again. To be like everyone else. But it had been hard for him. And it still was.

When Edwards had told him one afternoon after he'd been released from ICU that he would bring him back into the special training for graduate students, he was so surprised that he hadn't really known what to say at first. It was only when he met him on the next day that he thanked him for everything he had done for him and told him that it was hard for him but that he would rather leave it the way it was. That there was no need to revise his declined application. That he was okay with the way it was. Even though Edwards had been stunned at first, he hadn't pressed further.

Instead, he'd spent many a day with his friends in the library. Explaining their homework to one another. Talking about their careers. Making plans for the future. Laughing at Alan's terribly uncomical jokes. Encouraging Brigs to finally tell the love of his life about his feelings for her. Comforting Marin on the day when she had watched her first patient die. Sharing Alan's joy about winning the annual award for the best research project. Even though Alan could never really understand why he didn't take part in any competition himself, they spent nights awake in their dormitory, putting the finishing touches on Alan's work, ready to hand it in minutes before the deadline with dark circles around their eyes, testimony to all their sleepless nights.

Almost unconsciously, his gaze strayed again over to Marin and Alan and he felt a painful stab of guilt. He'd never told them. Even after everything they had gone through together, he'd never told them the truth. He didn't know if they would understand. Maybe they would. Maybe they wouldn't. But it was better this way. He'd once learned the hard way what damage the truth could inflict. And he knew that he never wanted to go through it again.

Numbly, his gaze dropped again down at his hands – and the PADD he held. Slowly, he closed his eyes.

Brigs was groaning irritatedly next to him, and Alan's foot tabbing had become more persistent. Marin was still fidgeting nervously with her pen.

Start all over again. A new beginning. A new life where you're no different from everybody else.

Slowly, he opened his eyes again. The room seemed quieter than before, everything just a little farther away. Reluctantly, almost reverently, he took up the pen one more time. His hand hovered indecisively inches above its glassy surface.

A new life where you're no different from everybody else.

He brought down the pen, hesitantly erasing his last answer. His hand moved almost automatically until the line was filled again.

Then, almost gently, he put the pen aside. He stared at the words for another long moment. And finally he stood.

Without haste, he collected his things – before he finally took the PADD and strode through the rows of students until he reached the group of teachers in front of the room. He handed his answers to Dr. Jennsen, and shortly inclined his head toward Edwards who responded with one of his rare smiles.

It was an end and a new beginning at the same time.

Then he squared his shoulders – and with a long, deep breath he left the exam room.

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=/\= To be continued... =/\=

=/\= ... in Star Trek - Deep Space Nine =/\=

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Notes from the author:

Here it is… the story I suddenly came up with while I was working on a completely different story^^ It was never meant to become so long. In fact, I just had that scene with Amos and Jules in my mind – and then the last scene where Julian is writing his medical finals. And somehow the rest just developed automatically. And yes, if you've wondered where the name of Amos' character came from, it's an allusion to Amoros, the initial name the writers gave the character of Julian Bashir in the first scripts of DS9. (It's only the name I borrowed, though. No other allusions intended;)

This story is my first that doesn't have a Happy End. It's sad and I almost ended up in tears while writing the last chapter… Because after all the things Julian went through, he sees all his friends – and he just wants to be like everybody else. He once got the chance to be who he really is and use his abilities to their full potential – just to see everything blows up in his face. So he's desperately trying to fit in again. Trying to be like everyone else. And it's in the last scene where he finally makes a decision. He gives up who he could be, in order to be who everyone wants him to be. (Yeah, if you've wondered what exactly he is writing on that PADD in the last scene, just go back to the beginning of the story and read the quotation of Altovar there^^)

I also wanted to make this a story about friendship, about growing up and finding out who you really are. And I guess there's a lot of my own experience here and there in the story... (No, I never had a teacher quite like Edwards and I never had to hide who I really am... though I did have a teacher who really knew how to be intimidating;)

Why it took me so long to post the final chapter? Well, give me some more days and you'll see!^^

Thank you so much for reading this story!

Love,

Mijra (July 2013)