Maybe I should say something. It couldn't hurt, and would probably help my two remaining brothers. Their silence is eerie. Especially Mikey. I can get one, maybe two, words from him at a time. He doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat, he only clings to Donnie like his life depends on it.

I'm trying to regain his trust. I think he blames me for what happened to our brothers. His eyes are clouded with hatred, and seeing that he only talks to Don, it must be me hates. I know him and Donnie didn't want to go out that night. I can still hear his pleas to stay home ringing in my ears.

But Raph had been more than willing, and together using our special older brother privileges, we made them. Their distaste melted away as the wind hit their faces. Mikey had just gone to pester Raph, and Don and I had been left to contemplate our plans for the evening.

I remember seeing fifty foot ninjas, but after that, the world became a blur. The next thing I know, I'm tearing a wailing Michelangelo off of a dead Raphael. He stopped talking the moment we came around. He only stared crazy eyed at us for the trip home. I held Raph. Don held Mike.

The usual sounds of the sewer could not drown out the sounds of our youngest howling in sorrow as we went home. Where we should have been. Where Mikey and Donnie had wanted to be all along. I had practically begged for silence, but now that I have it, I only want it to go away.

We had tried tucking Mikey into his own bed, but he would just scramble back up and run into Raphs room, burying himself under the old red comforter of the hammock our hot headed brother cherished. He only whispered about being forever young, and while Don didn't get it, I did.

Raph was an immortal teenager now. He'd never be an adult, he'd never know the joys that it brought. Like freedom. The blessed thing he had wanted more than anything else. He had been so close. But it was squashed like a bug under the foot of fate. My brother. My little brother. Gone.

Don had seemed pretty level headed about the whole situation. That was until he and Mikey broke down in the lab. I had walked in and Don was on the floor staring listlessly into the small cracked mirror in the corner of the room and Mikey was clutching Raph's arm sobbing gently into it.

I wish I could've joined them. Maybe tears would have convinced Mikey I regretted ever making us go out, and we could all go back to loving each other. But I just couldn't do that. They needed someone to stay strong, to wipe away all the tears, and to play the bad guy.

I don't want this. I never did. What sane person wants to be the responsible one? I love my brothers dearly, and its because of them I'm like this. Of course I'm never one to blame. I'm thankful. They've made me strong, but at what cost?

Raphael gave his leadership, his God given gift to command. The jurisdiction over others I now sickly posses. He gave up his freedom for the sake of our brothers, and he'll never know just how grateful I am.

Donatello gave his confidence. He'll never have the boisterous nature of our younger brother, or the impulsiveness of Raph. He'll lock himself away from the world, and without his brothers, he might never come out.

Michelangelo gave maturity. He's sacrificed so much. He'll never know what its like to think about things other than his silly video games and pizza. Frivolous things that hold no meaning in the real world. But it doesn't really matter, he'll never go there.

I often wonder if they'll ever realize this. Before tonight, I would've thought it'd be Raph. He seemed to have a knack for following up my realizations with his own. Now it'll never happen, like Mikey's innocence will never return, and Donatello's barely pieced together sanity is gone for good.

Of course this is my fault. I think I'm losing everything I've worked to maintain. I want to confide in Master Splinter, but standing here outside his door I just cant bring myself to knock and enter. He probably hates me. Just like Mikey.

I don't know how Donnie feels. Mikey probably does, but Mikey'll never tell me. I don't think he wants to remember me anymore. He's mentally preparing himself to detach from our broken home. I don't know if he'll take Donnie too, but if he doesn't I don't know what I'll do.

Don just sits on the couch staring listlessly at the static on the T.V. His silence I can take, but the way his intelligent brown eyes are glazed over is whats really starting to worry me. Usually they hold a gleam of inspiration, but now they're as dead as Raphaels.

Mikey sits beside him. His head rests on Don's shoulder. I always knew they had a special bond, but now I was witnessing it first hand. Mikey was keeping Don company so he wouldn't finally lose it, and in return Don was keeping Mikey from bursting into tears. They were survivors. Raph and I had been warriors.

Maybe our family had been a little too codependent. Because standing here, watching my remaining two brothers rock back in forth with their arms intertwined, I finally realize how lost I feel without Raph here by my side. We tied each other down.

I wish he could see me now. The tears sparkling in my regret filled eyes. I wish he could pull us all back together and set us straight. I can wish for so many things, but none of them will ever come to life. Because my wishes died with Raph.

I know it sounds stupid and cliche, but its true. My immediate younger brother took my ability to wish with him that night, and in a way its poetic justice. I took his command, so he finally got to take something from me. He deserved more, but I suppose he's content.

He's probably laughing at me right now in the astral plane. I can see it, the smug smirk on his face telling me I'm being stupid. I wish I could see that grin just one last time. There I go again, wishing for the impossible. I guess I should stop wishing this family back together then.

I always thought I'd be the first to go. They could live without me, I know. I'm just the bad guy. But to think it was Raph. He's finally the first at something. Just like he always wanted.