Growing Up

As I walk down these hallways that I haven't roamed in months, I can't help but think about all the memories this school holds. I spent the majority of my time here being a complete bitch to everyone… well, everyone except for Brittany. She's the one person that made this place feel like a second home. Although we're still just best friends now, I'll never forget senior year and finally being able to walk down the hallway with her, hand-in-hand, as my girlfriend. I'll never forget planting that kiss on her, in front of the entire school, after we won Nationals. Those were the good ol' days.

Now I'm back here in the choir room, waiting to meet her later. Although we ended on good terms when I left for New York, there are so many things that I should've said that I didn't. I guess that's why I'm here now. At the time, I don't think I was quite ready to say them yet because I hadn't sorted through them properly in my head. Living in New York for the past couple of months, I've gotten to know myself so much better and I've gotten to experience new things that were foreign to me before. It's because of these new experiences that I've come back to Lima. These moments of clarity that I've been having lately showed me that I needed something more… closure.

As I sit here in the choir room where so many relationships have begun and ended, where friendships have been forged for life, and where you could always just be yourself, I start to feel more emotional than usual. Don't get me wrong… I'm still Santana muthafucking Lopez, but I'm also just a girl trying to find her place in the world. I would never admit that out loud to anyone… only one person would be the exception.

As I sit down at the piano, I feel the sudden urge to play.

Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it, driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread

I remember when I first heard this song. It spoke to me on so many levels that I couldn't even comprehend at the time. The more times I listened to it on repeat, the deeper the meaning became.

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

I kinda wish Brittany was here right now to hear these words. I have always been able to better express myself through song than with my own words. That's partly the reason I'm here now, trying to break that cycle.

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread

There are so many things I wish I had the courage to say back then, especially when I was still terrified about everyone finding out that I played for the other team. I kept entirely too many things bottled up back then… I won't make the same mistake now.

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

This next part always gets me. Whenever I hear Adam Levine just simply re-iterate what he said only moments ago, there's something about the tone of his voice that strikes a chord in me. All of the raw emotions of being a scared gay girl flow through me and cause my voice to break.

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread

I then get really upset with myself, thinking about how my cowardice caused me to hurt the person I care about the most in the world. Although all of that's in the past now, unfortunately at the moment, the piano keys are suffering.

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad

So sad…

I finally stop my assault on the piano and raise my hand to wipe away the tears that had decided to make an appearance. As my vision is finally clear again, I look up to see her standing in the doorway, tears trailing down her face as well.

"Britt…" I say, surprised. "How long have you been standing there?"

"The whole time…" she states, wiping the wetness away from her face.

"I thought we weren't meeting until after school?" I question. "Wait… aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"I was on my way to History when I got distracted by the music," Brittany replies simply. I smile at her innocence. "So… why are you so sad?"

That's the thing I love about Brittany… no matter how many people think or say that she's stupid, she's always been a genius to me. Despite the fact that the song had the word sad in it a few times, I know that there's more behind the question she's asking. I don't know how she did it, but somehow Brittany managed to break down my walls. She has always been the only person to fully understand me.

I motion for Brittany to come sit down with me, which she does. I take one last deep breath before looking into her crystal blue eyes.

"So… it recently dawned on me that there are a lot of things that I've never told you before, things that I need to tell you now," I start off. Brittany gives me a nod, so I continue. "First off, I just want to say thank you…"

"For what?" Brittany asks, confused.

"For being you!" I state. "Thank you for being so patient with me while I struggled to accept myself. Thank you for not giving up on me when I continued to put my popularity and other people's opinion ahead of us and our relationship. Thank you for just loving me when I didn't love myself…"

I pause as I look away from Brittany momentarily. Whenever it comes to Brittany, I always get really emotional. Now that I'm actually saying all of these words to her instead of singing them, it's really taking a toll on me. Brittany grabs my hand and squeezes it. I look up at her again and give her a small smile before continuing.

"Brittany… despite our relationship status, you will always be my best friend!" I state honestly. She smiles back at me. "Although I was pretty pissed off when Tina told me about you and Sam, I understand why you didn't tell me. I also understand why you decided to stay with him so that I could be free to go to New York." I continued. "With all of that being said, there's something I have to tell you…"

The look on Brittany's face is somewhere between confused and anxious. I know that what I'm about to tell her is probably gonna suck to hear, but she's my best friend and I want to be completely honest with her. What I'm about to tell her isn't to be spiteful or to make her jealous. Like I said, I just want to be honest and put everything out there so that there are no questions later.

"I know that I don't have to tell you this because it's no one's business but my own, but I think you deserve to know. You deserve to know because you're my best friend and my business is your business," I carefully try to explain. She nods again, so I continue. "When I was in town for Mr. Schue's almost wedding, something happened between me and Quinn…"

I trail off the last part of my sentence to test the waters. As Brittany processes the information, I see a slight twitch in her facial expression. It happened so fast that I couldn't really read it, but it was definitely one that I had never witnessed before.

"By something, you mean…" Brittany says slowly.

"We slept together…" I say lowly. Brittany's face becomes blank. "We were both pretty drunk and I was feeling pretty depressed seeing you with Sam all night. She comforted me and it just happened."

Brittany's face is still void of emotion. I know this must be hard to hear, but I figured it wouldn't be that bad since she's still with Sam and sleeping with him. The thought of them together doesn't make me feel thrilled, but I've learned to accept it. Still, it's gotta be rough to hear since Quinn and Brittany are pretty close friends… that's why we're the Unholy Trinity! Finally, it looks like Brittany is ready to say something.

"So… what does that mean exactly?" she cautiously asks.

"It means that it happened…" I begin. "It was just that one night. We're not in a relationship or anything like that… just friends."

I see a sigh of relief and a slight smile tug on Brittany's lips as she nods in understanding.

"I can sit here and pretend like it didn't mean anything, but that would be a lie…" I state. Brittany's face slips back into neutral again before I can finish. "What I mean is that it was nice to feel that closeness with someone again. She was the first person I've been with since us…"

Brittany quirks an eyebrow when she figures out the implications of what I just said. Yes, it's true… before Quinn, I hadn't had sex with anyone in 4 months! That's the longest I've ever gone without gettin' some since I became sexually active during the summer of freshman year. As soon as that revelation came, so did another.

"So, if Quinn was the first…" she starts off, "does that mean there have been others?"

I can tell by the tone of her voice that she's curious to know the answer, but deathly afraid to hear it. I take this as my cue to get to the real reason why I'm sitting here in front of her.

"That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about…" I start off slowly. "Britt, I met someone…"

I see Brittany's body visibly deflate, although she tries to hide it.

It all happened within my first week of living in New York. Whenever Kurt or Rachel would annoy the hell out of me, I'd leave the loft and hang out at this little café near NYU. It wasn't big like Starbucks, which made it perfect because I didn't have to fight anyone for a seat. Anyways, one day while I was just enjoying my coffee and minding my own business, I couldn't help but feel like someone was looking at me. Don't get me wrong... I know I'm a hot piece of ass, but dammit, I couldn't help but feel that someone was burning a hole into my skin. As I swiftly looked up, I caught the barista's stare. Immediately, she got this deer caught in headlights look on her face before quickly turning away and pretending like she was cleaning up or something. I smirk to myself because yeah… I still got it!

After a few minutes passed by, I glanced up to see that same barista approaching my table with a treat in her hand. Once she stopped in front of me, I looked at her and wait for her to say something, but she just continues to stare at the ground. I heard her mumble something that sounded a lot like "fuck" before she finally looked up at me to meet my eyes.

"Okay, so…" she starts off. "I'm really sorry for staring at you. It's just that I've seen you in here every day for the past week and you're just really beautiful…" she rambles on. "I probably sound like some kind of creeper so just enjoy this free muffin while I go over there to MacGyver some type of noose to hang myself with…" she says while quickly turning away to walk in the other direction.

The compliment she gave me isn't lost on me, by any means. It's actually nice to hear someone call me beautiful instead of hot or sexy. Granted, I would never tell anyone that, but the thought is still nice. Brittany used to say that to me… but I digress. Before she gets too far away, I lightly grabbed the her wrist to stop her movements. As she turned around, I'm able to finally see her up close and face-to-face.

She's actually really cute. She's a couple inches shorter than me, with dark brown hair, tanned skin, and light brown eyes. She looks like she's probably mixed with something, which would explain her thick, curly hair. She's got a slim build with toned muscles. I would say she plays some kind of sport, maybe for the university. As I continue to look over her features, I noticed that I'm still holding on to her wrist. I gently release my hold on her and she nervously places her hands in her pockets.

"Look, I'm already really embarrassed so can I please go hide in the corner or something…" she rushes out. I have to admit… her rambling is kind of adorable.

"How bout you tell me your name first…" I suggest.

"Price…" she squeaks out.

"Price? That's an interesting name…" I respond. I see her eyes start to blink uncontrollably.

"It's not really my name… I mean it is, but it's what my friends call me," she tries again. "Not to say that we're friends cuz we don't even know each other, but…" she continues to ramble on.

"I'm Santana…" I offer, breaking her rant. "Now… before you tell me your name again, why don't you take a second to catch your breath?"

The barista takes my advice and begins to inhale and exhale deeply. When her breathing has finally regulated, she speaks again.

"Alex… my name is Alex," she says more calmly.

"Well then, it's nice to finally meet you Alex," I say, extending my hand to her. She takes it and gives a quick "me too" in response. "So, who's Price?" She laughs at herself before answering.

"My last name is Fisher…" she starts off. "When I first started playing soccer, my friends gave me the nickname of Price… like Fisher Price?"

"Oh, I see…" I nod my head in agreement.

"I'm sorry again about the staring…" Alex states.

"It's okay… ancient history!" I reply. "Thanks for the compliment, by the way…"

"You're welcome," Alex responds, turning a slight shade of pink. I smile at her bashfulness.

After that hilarious first encounter, Alex and I became friends and started to hang out. I even went to a couple of her soccer games, and I must say, she's pretty awesome. As we started to spend more time together, I thought about what Brittany said to me before I left for New York. I remember her telling me how she didn't want to hold me back and how I should have a girlfriend. Since I've been here, I can be more open and not worry about being judged by some Bible thumper. Although I have been hit on several times by fairly attractive co-eds, no one has really caught my attention.

I guess I never really took the time to figure out what my type is since Brittany is the only girl I had ever been with… well, until Quinn that is. I guess that's something I need to explore further, but since I've been having such a great time with Alex, I haven't really even thought about it. Alex reminds me a lot of Brittany with just how positive and kind she is. Like Brittany, she balances out my crazy personality. Since I've been trying to do the whole honesty thing as of late, I told Alex all about Brittany and my whole coming out process. She was very understanding and didn't judge me for being too much of a coward for so long.

With the amount of time we spent together and her helping me get a job at Coyote Ugly, I think it was only natural that I started getting a little crush on Alex. I knew she had liked me from the start, but I appreciate the fact that she didn't try to rush me or force anything on me. I guess when she sensed that I was maybe up for trying to start dating again, she asked me out on a date and I gladly accepted. It was nothing too fancy, just dinner and a movie. I had a really good time, and at the end of the night… she kissed me.

"So… you came here to tell me that you have a new girlfriend?" Brittany says sadly after I give her the cliff notes on Alex.

I smile because she still doesn't get it.

"No… I came here to tell you that I'm not giving up on us," I state firmly.

Brittany looks utterly confused and I can't help but love the adorable way her face scrunches up when she doesn't understand something. I sense that she's about to ask me what the hell I'm talking about, but I stop her and opt to finish my rant instead.

"On paper… Alex is perfect," I start off. "She's smart, funny, cute, and has a great personality… I think you would really like her." I pause to squeeze her hand, knowing that she was about to interject. "Although she has all of these great qualities, there's one major flaw that she has…"

I trail off to give Brittany an opportunity to say something. She looks a bit sad and disinterested, but asks her question anyways.

"And what might that be?" she asks.

My signature smirk appears on my face as I reach out to place my hand on her chin to tilt it up. I look deep into her eyes before responding.

"She's not you..." I state simply, but matter-of-factly.

Brittany's eyes begin to water as she processes what I just said.

"When Alex and I kissed… I felt nothing," I add in for good measure.

"I don't understand…" Brittany says, shaking her head.

"Britt… I know you stayed with Sam so that I could have all of these new experiences and follow my dreams," I start off. "However, no matter how rich and famous I become in the near future, my dream will never be complete if I don't have you by my side to share it with!" I state sincerely.

Tears are falling from Brittany's face now. At this point, I can't tell if they're happy or sad tears, so I just continue with my speech.

"Brittany… I'm not asking you to break up with Sam because I know he makes you happy, right now…" I start again. "When I came back to fight for you before, it was the wrong thing to do. It was wrong because I treated you like you were my property or something, which you're not. You deserve to be with and love whoever you want…"

I pause for a moment because I can feel myself starting to tear up. Although I am putting all of my cards on the table right now and risking everything, it's ironic that the possible fear of rejection doesn't bother me. I meant what I said before… I just want Brittany to be happy, even if it's not with me. Overall, Sam is a good guy. In the long run, if it turns out that Brittany and I are not meant to be together, then at least I'll know that I lost her to someone better than me. However, that doesn't mean that I'm counting myself out just yet. Some people might think I'm being overly confident, but I like to think of it as being stupidly charming.

"Britt-Britt… you patiently waited for me for so many years to stop being so scared and to finally get my shit together. You stood by me when I was ashamed of myself and continued to mess around with guys to save face. It was your love for me that gave me the strength to proudly tell my abuela how madly in love I was with you, even though she disowned me. For that, I am grateful and truly blessed."

Brittany is openly sobbing now. I hate seeing her cry, but this has to be said. As I wipe away her fallen tears, I brush away her bangs so that I can see her eyes more clearly now.

"What I'm trying to say is… I'll wait for you!" I finally say. "No matter how much time you need or how many people you date in between, I'll wait until the day I can call you mine again. I won't flirt or kiss or date anyone else… just you!"

Brittany starts to shake her head, not believing what I'm telling her.

"San, you can't do that… not for me!" Brittany says, finally breaking her silence.

"Watch me," I state simply. "I've wasted too much time not fully being with you in the past… I'm not gonna do that anymore," I continue. "Believe me when I tell you that I don't need to have random hook-ups to explore my options because everything I want and need is right here in front of me!"

Brittany still continues to shake her head, probably because she's never heard me talk like this before

"Brittany… you are the Isabella to my Phineas, the Topanga to my Cory, the Patty to my Doug, the Rachel to my Ross…" I state lamely, but truthfully. I see Brittany giggle, which causes me to smile. "I love you Brittany… I've been in love with you since the first time I saw those bright blue eyes of yours. No matter what happens in the future, I will always love you. You are my soulmate! And until the day when I can hold you in my arms again and make love to you like there's no tomorrow… I'll wait."

Brittany looks like she's in shock. I think this is the longest she has ever gone without talking or at least saying something witty or making some off-the-wall comment. I'm pretty sure that I've said everything that needed to be said. The ball is in her court now. Man... celibacy is gonna be a bitch!

As I wipe one final tear away from Brittany's face, I lean over to whisper into her ear.

"You and me… we're ENDGAME! Just remember that, okay?"

With those last words, I place a gentle peck on Brittany's temple and walk out of the choir room. As I make my way back to New York, the only thing I'm bringing back with me is… Hope.

Author's Note:

What up guys? So… I've been listening to a lot of Maroon 5 lately because they're one of my favorite bands and I'm super-excited to see them live in concert next week! Anyways, while listening to their new album on repeat, I couldn't get this song stuck out of my head and thought it would be a perfect story for Brittana that follows canon up til this point. This will be a two-shot, so expect another chapter later this week.

For those of you following You and Me… sorry there hasn't been an update yet. I'm in the process of trying to figure out how many more chapters there will be cuz I don't want to drag out the story and make it boring. Also, I've been a little slow to update that as well because I keep having all of these ideas for other stories popping into my head. I will try my best to have another chapter for you by the end of this week, but after that, it will probably take longer to update because I'm about to start working on another story.

And what story might that be?! Well, I'm glad you asked! I don't want to give too much away, but the working title at the moment is Recipe for Disaster. It will be my first multi-chapter Brittana fic! I hope to have the first chapter up by either the end of this week or the beginning of next week, so stay tuned! And as always, thanks again to everyone who's been reading my stories, favoriting, and/or following them. Extra thanks to all of you guys who leave reviews and who are following me or have me as one of your favorite author's. It really means a lot!

Songs Used:

Sad by Maroon 5

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING but my own creativity.