Disclaimer: I own a Ron action figure and two Betty Spaghettis, who, if you squint at, look a TINY bit like Hermione and Harry. Does that count?
Yes, I know I said I wouldn't take so long. Yes, I know, I'm mean for leaving you with a cliffy. Yes, I know, I'm an evil, nasty, lying, bad-at-updating person who deserves to be viciously mauled by rabid iguanas, but hey, let he who is without sin cast the first… iguana. And they say I don't pay attention in Religious Studies…
I do have many excuses, but really, would you rather hear the excuses or read the story? And anyone who uses the phrase "not worth the wait" (or equivalent) in their review will feel just why redheads have a reputation for bad tempers.
Oh yeah, and fuck the format. NOTHING BLOODY WORKS. (Fuck writer's block too. Fuck it bloody all. *kicks… something*) (apologies for the profanities…)
* * * * *
Hermione,
Think very carefully about this. Who could have sent that letter??? It was left in your bookbag, wasn't it? In between Everything You Need to Know About House Elves and How to Pass Your O.W.L.s in Five Easy Steps. Only just peeking out. Who would have had the chance to put it there? Think, Hermione! When did you last leave your bookbag unattended?
Was it in Potions? It was in Potions, wasn't it? You put your bookbag down, got out your cauldron, realised that you'd forgotten your Killiweel claws, so you went over to Neville to ask if you could borrow his and you left your bookbag behind. Where ANYONE could reach it.
But you know who was closest, don't you?
You know who you want to have left the letter, don't you?
Yours hiding behind dark sunglasses,
The Secret and Mysterious Association
Of All That is Secret and Mysterious
Hermione,
Hello! How are you! Wait. That should be a question mark, shouldn't it? "How are you?"
That's better. Are you well? Are you good? Are all things hugs and fluffy puppies with you and The Boys? The Boys… heh.
I am deliriously happy. You know why? YOU KNOW WHY?? No! You don't! And I'm not gonna tell you until the end of the letter! Build up the suspense and all that. Actually, I might not even tell you. Not that I don't trust you or anything… it's just it's like a nice warm and fuzzy me-secret. That no one else knows. Well, some people do, but only the people actually involved. And it's not really that interesting, so you'll get to the end of the letter, read it (if I write it), think I am a pathetic little person, and never ever write to me again. Which would be sad, because I like writing to you. You're my writing buddy!
Geez, look what I've been reduced to. "Writing buddy"?? That is just how happy I am. Not that I don't really like writing to you… but WRITING BUDDY?? That's a sickening thing to say. You are my overseas correspondent, of course. My foreign confidante. My… WRITING BUDDY!
I think I'm too silly to write this letter at the moment. I'm going to sit down somewhere, or maybe lie down on my bed for a while. Then I'll come back and write.
Okay, I'm still silly. But I think I can at least refrain from calling you "writing buddy". Probably.
I really want to scream and shout and sing out loud from the rooftops and do a strange little demon dance thing, and then maybe throw a party. But… I am putting this all on hold to write a sensible letter to you. SENSIBLE.
Thank you very much for the information you sent me. It was boring as hell, but it was extremely useful, and so I did very well in my project. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I've heard about Hogsmeade. My uncle lives there – Iocatio Dervish? He owns a joke shop there with Bombus Banges. But Iocatio isn't really my uncle at all – just some crazy old man who's friends with my dad, so I'm supposed to call him uncle. But he's very nice anyway. He always used to bring me exploding sugarcubes when I was younger. My parents used to get such a shock when their cups of tea just went POOF! for no apparent reason. Heh. Was hilarious until dad got scalded. Then he stopped bringing them. I was very sad…
But yes… I can imagine just how horrible it must have been for you to spend a day out in a wonderful wizarding village with your two best friends and two people who sound far too much fun to be adults. And with Ron trying to superior… you know why he's doing it, don't you? So that you think he's smart. And you know why he wants you to think that he's smart…
Anyway. Again. Did I say that before? I don't think I did, but who cares. I'm glad Harry is happy. Harry should be happy. Happy is good. And I'm also very amused by your "makeover"/sleepover thing – I really didn't have you down as one of those girly girls, Hermione… although you don't' actually sound that pleased about it. But I hope you have fun anyway.
And now for my big me-secret thing…
But not.
It's pathetic, and kind of embarrassing that I'm so excited about it. You'll laugh at me, really you will. So I don't think I'll tell you. Maybe next letter. But that builds up the suspense and expectation even more, and then you'll expect it to be all great and interesting. Which it's really not. So I'll give you a clue… but that's kind of a bad idea too, isn't it?
Argh, damn it all to hell.
Clue: it's to do with Alfonso… and it makes me happy. So come to your own conclusions until next letter.
Hope everything is all happy and good and fun, and write soon!
Loads of love,
Your Writing Buddy,
Elena
Agent Granger,
Everyone is a potential suspect. Trust no one. Like that boy over there. Did he just look at you? Did he?? You weren't paying attention, were you? This is BAD. Stay focussed on the task at hand. Focus, focus, focus – that's the name of the game. Do you want to catch this boy or not? In fact, do you even know if it's a boy? Don't rule out the possibility of girls. Or the possibility of friends trying to cheer you up. Investigate it fully, get handwriting samples, check if people have alibis. Or fingerprints! There must be some kind of charm to test for fingerprints. Go and check in the library. But don't neglect your super-sneaky sneaking about.
Good luck, agent,
Yours Stealthily,
The Secret Society of All Things Sneaky
Hermione… are you alright?
Of course I'm alright, Ron. Why wouldn't I be?
You look a little… twitchy.
TWITCHY??
Well… kinda nervous. And you keep looking around the room in a suspicious way. It's a little unnerving.
Well, that's just because… erm… I can look suspicious if I like.
Yes, technically you can. But could you please not? You're starting to scare me.
But I have to look suspicious. I AM suspicious.
Dare I ask why?
Because anyone could have done it. Anyone at all. Everyone's a suspect.
…could have done what, exactly?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Dear Hermione,
Did you get my last note? I noticed you looked a little, well, suspicious at breakfast this morning. I hope I didn't scare you, that wasn't what I meant at all. I'm just really, really bad at this. Which is a little obvious, because if I was any good, I'd just come out and say it to your face. But then you could do pretty much anything. You could tear out my heart and stomp on it, you could humiliate me in front of the whole school (although I don't think you'd do them on purpose… you might do them without meaning to though). Or you could… well…
Has anyone ever told you that your hair looks very soft and cuddly? No, I don't suppose they have, on account of that being an unbelievably lame thing to say. But it's true. Your hair is very nice.
I'll be quiet and leave you alone now.
Lots of love (no more moon…),
Your very secret admirer
Elena,
Elena Calamares, if you don't tell me what your secret it, I shall be forced to come over there and get it out of you myself. I mean, how can you do this to me? You have a secret, this secret makes you happy, and it involves Alfonso… and you're not going to tell me? You're pure evil, you are. I mean, I can guess, but I don't know if I'm right! Oh, this is worse than if you hadn't told me at all. I can't handle suspense. Ever. It makes me cranky, and also a little crazy. Do you want me to be cranky and crazy? All because you wouldn't tell me a little secret?
I have a secret too, but I don't think I'm going to tell you.
Except that would make me just as bad as you.
So I'll just leave you a couple of lines in which to guess about it.
Okay. Have you finished guessing? You'll never have got it right. It's just too… weird.
I have a secret admirer. Don't laugh, and don't pull that face. I have absolutely no idea who it could be, but so far he/she/it has sent me two notes, both of which were slightly bizarre. The first… well, it ended with "yours 'til the moon goes mouldy", which should give you some idea of the kind of person I am dealing with. And, the second… in the second they said they liked my hair. They said other things as well, but that was the weirdest – if you have ever seen my hair, you would know just how crazy that proves them to be. I have frizzy, crazy, all-over-the-place birds' nest hair, and they called it "soft and cuddly". They're clearly insane.
I'm not going to dwell on it. I've been acting crazy all day, twitching and looking around at everyone. I've been looking at people's handwriting over their shoulder, to see if any of them have the same scrawl as my admirer (you have no idea how weird it feels writing that) does. Not that they'd write it in their own handwriting, because that would be stupid. And I don't want them to be stupid. I want them to be nice, and smart, and kind. And tall, redheaded, infuriating, with six siblings and too many freckles. Is that too much to ask?
Ron has been looking at me oddly this morning – he says I'm being twitchy and nervous and scaring him. Does that mean he sent it? Is that like a double bluff, so he pretends he doesn't know anything? Or would that be a single bluff, because a double bluff would be making it seem like someone had framed him. Maybe. If I had an Agatha Christie novel I'd be able to look it up – or I could ask my mum, she has loads. Or what if he really doesn't know a thing and I'm getting myself up into a tizzy again over nothing? What if it was sent by some random 3rd year Hufflepuff I wouldn't know from Adam? Or what if (even worse) it was sent by someone like Lavender or Parvati in an attempt to cheer me up? Actually, I'm not sure which of those would be worse.
I'll be quiet now.
That's what he said.
Oh help…
Hope you are well, and write back soon and SAVE ME!
Yours in complete and utter confusion,
Hermione
Hermione,
Congratulations, you have managed to come off as a complete and utter lunatic. And we thought you could sink no lower.
Yours with contempt,
The Association of Teenagers
PS And we can't help but notice that you are still here, and not hiding in a cupboard somewhere, where you belong. Please remedy this as soon as possible.
Agent Granger,
What's that? Is that a rustling sound coming from your room? Lavender and Parvati are downstairs, and you're out here. That can only mean one thing – an intruder! And who would have cause to intrude? Your secret admirer, that's who! Don't make any sudden moments… slowly does it…
Argh! A creaky stair! Pretend it didn't happen! You can do this Agent Granger, we have faith in you. Only four more steps to go, be very careful…
You're outside the door! There is no escape – you have them trapped! Now just get out your wand, then swing the door open and you have them!
On the count of three… 1… 2… 3…
Yours in suspense,
The Secret Society of All Things Sneaky
Ms Granger,
Take a deep breath and calm down. Don't panic, don't cry. Just because he was in there doesn't mean that he sent the letters, does it? It's inconclusive! Plus, it's impossible. He just wouldn't. He's not like that. He doesn't like you like that. You don't like him like that. It's just… it's Harry. You can handle this.
Yours comfortingly,
Take a Deep Breath and Calm Down Society
* * * * *
*ducks heavy objects thrown at her* No, I haven't changed ships. Don't panic just yet. Everything will (hopefully) be sorted out in the last two (approximately) chapters. And yes, it did go a bit odd. And yes, it did take a long time… but it's here now, isn't it? Sorry for any spelling mistakes. I did check, but my eyes were going a bit screwy and squinty and stuff so I might have missed some.
And now back to maths revision for me… less than 4 weeks until my GCSEs!! ARGH!!
Massive thanks and sorry-for-taking-so-long hugs to:
Hermione 2000 – Yes, I'm a fool. Shouldn't take it. But… I want to be a physicist, so I kinda have to. Plus it's kinda fun… and I've almost certainly got an A, and an A* if I work really hard… so yay! Did you have fun at Oxford Uni? Which was like 2 months ago… but hey. Was it good? I saw… *counts* 3 people who know people I know on the HP DVD. Go me!
Ron Weasley – yes, original is probably the word… but it could be cute, right? And as to whether it's Ron or not… aha!
Bitethepenguin - *looks ashamed* And I took even longer this time…
Leesa – who's your idea? Ron? Or… erm… Malfoy? Dumbledore?
Splotchy the Missing Spoon – It's here! Good thing I had you people to nag me, really, or God knows how much longer it would have taken.
Superbookworm – I may have cheated you… but I may have not. Mwhahaha. I read the Boy Next Door and I loved it. *sigh* I want Meg Cabot to invent a guy for me. And Rupert Grint isn't ugly or anything… he's really quite adorable.
Princess Eliana – I think Persephone would be quite a nice name for Hermione's sister… it's growing on me.
Marionette – well, they might just get it over with… or they might not. Depends on how cooperative they're feeling today.
Satanic Gnomes – Can I keep Charlie now that I've been good and updated? And oh, yay, I have the DVD now! Yay! Lots of nummy Jason Isaacs goodness…
Danielle – yay! Glad you like it and sorry I didn't update sooner…
Myrtle – I have the same problem with my Dad… except he's booking our holiday, so I can't be mad with him, dammit.
Kirjava - *has the decency to look ashamed* The important thing is that I did finally update, right? And yes, the slimy git was Malfoy. And sorry about the format. And… erm… jeepers that plot alarm is piercing. I can't believe I just said jeepers… yeah, that one review per chapter rule is decidedly bizarre…
Angiejohnson – he asked for flames, so I obliged… I actually like the story…
Aerial – Stupid, stupid computer, eating your review. But hey, that one was nice too, so… erm yes. Good! *smile* My parents find my constant sneezing and cries of pain amusing too. Stupid hayfever. Grr.
Fetch – Okay, you have well and truly confused me. Did I say maurder? Because if I did, I'm sorry. But if I said Marauder, then I'm absolutely right, and you've lost me. And yes, maybe it should be Feeling Sorry for Harry… but I didn't think of that…*looks stupid*
Lil – I can't tell you who the admirer is! That would defeat the point, and my own very pathetic attempt at suspense.
Damienne – I love that quote… made me laugh my head off. Thanks J
Potty for Potter – Merci beaucoup. Because I apparently haven't used that yet… yay, you like it, and read the book! It's so so so so so good. *nod* Yup, my language is terribly British… but *sob* it's not my fault! If I hadn't been born and raised in this danged country it might be different… ahem. But you're from London anyway, which is great because London is absolutely faberoo. Where else in the world could you find a random ancient wall on the side of a law firm or something? That doesn't make any sense, and you can probably think of somewhere else, but, erm… I'm tired, okay? It's near the Golden Hinde. I think. It's near some ship like that anyway. Near The Globe.
StarGinny - *looks scared but happy* Glad you like it so much and very sorry for leaving you waiting…
Tempestuous – you always do that in your reviews – take the parts that I found most difficult, and say I did them well. You're so lovely.
J. – Much as I would love to help you with the whole secret admirer deal, I actually can't, because contrary to popular opinion (okay, MY opinion) I have no power whatsoever. Over anything. Sorry.
Danielle – I updated!
Rebecca – Kiddo? J And I'm happy and a little (make that a LOT) surprised you think it's better than the original…
StarHermione86 – I updated, finally. Does that mean I get adored now? Please? I just wanna be adored! But, erm, yes. Thanks for the nagging, it helped make me finally get my arse in gear and update.
Lynne – heh. I was so confused when I read this… I was very tired at the time. But now I read it again in the light of day, and it makes sense! It's even funny too. Yay!
Alyx Gardensdale – Yes, very similar to the book… but it will be different. Ish. Really. Is Alyx pronounced like Alex? If so, it's a very nice spelling – can I have it? And I would have got completely confused about the Australia thing… if I'd realised it was set in Australia. Which I didn't until about the third read, and by that time I knew the story too well to get confused, so…
Fan person type-thingie – well, I'm not dead. And I'm not obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe… but I swear my friend's friend looks JUST like him. Really. Except no one else sees it. But it's not the obsession talking, no siree. And the exams still have a grip on me, but I'm taking a welcome break, and yay! New chapter!
Raven babe – yes, only 2… but 2 isn't bad. 2 is good! 2 is 2 more than 0.
cheerleader15 – people like my original characters! Yay! *does happy dance*
Jessica – Yes, you will have to read the book. It is imperative. It's soooooo good. Appreciation poetry? I want appreciation poetry! *looks hopeful*
Lost dove – I love Seamus in general. Especially his name. Is that weird? SHAYMOOS. I mean, how great? Yes.
Danidancer – not dead, just hibernating.
