Mm. This chapter.

I really like this chapter.

And I do believe next chapter will wrap up part 1, if it continues as it has been. We shall see.

Warnings: eating disorder

When he reaches for Father, Father reaches back.

(Does not flinch, does not stare horrified at his hands, does not pour disgust. Has told him he can touch.)

He runs his fingers over the callouses on Father's hand as Father works, trying to focus on what it is Father is saying —because he does that, he will talk to Vali about what he does —but mostly he lets the sound surround him, lets himself get lost in the feel of Father's hand, the warmth of him.

(And quiet, quiet, in his head, around him, twining around his heart, is warmth, is love, love, Father's emotions rich and tangled and he never thought he would feel the particular ocean depths of Father's emotion again, thought it lost because of himself, and it nearly makes him want to cry for relief that Father doesn't hate him for what he did.)

"Unelmoija?" Father asks, note of concern riding high and electric in the air.

Vali looks up at him, and grips his hand more tightly. He doesn't smile, not quite (has not managed it yet, because surely he's dreaming).

Father smiles at him, squeezing his hand back.

XXX

"Come along," Father says, and Vali follows.

(Of course he does; he feels almost like a shadow, sometimes, but then Father turns and grabs his hand and he knows he's not, that he's not dreaming, that Father isn't a ghost like the young boy (Narfi, Father said) he sees glimpses of sometimes.)

They go outside, to the courtyard, then the stable yards. Father's horse is waiting for them, black and gleaming and red-eyed, tossing its head and stamping a foot. Father sets him up on the saddle, then swings easily up behind him, one arm resting around his waist. Vali lets one hand rest on Father's, other twining in the horse's mane. He cranes his head back to look at Father.

Father doesn't quite smile —he never does where anyone can see but Vali —but he does tighten his grip for a moment.

Once they are out of the city, the emotions that cling to Father's skin shift. Not relax, no, Vali has not felt Father relax, but he eases. The farther they get from the city, passing by fields high with grain, the more Father eases, so that Vali is nearly overwhelmed with love, a taste very near happiness drifting in Father's wake, and he drinks it deep, pulls it it close and lets it fill his heart.

(because he can tell, he can tell, here, away from everyone, that Father doesn't hate him, not at all, and for the very first time since before he feels happy even if he is still at fault, and he knows he shouldn't but he can't help it, because Father is the only one who matters, and if Father doesn't hate him then perhaps…)

He squeezes Father's hand again tightly. Oh so carefully, he pulls Father's joy and weaves it with his own as they ride, because he won't speak (not yet), but he wants to show him, because he is so shaken and relieved and Father doesn't hate him—

"A gallop, unelmoija?" Father asks

Vali leans his head back and he grins; it is wide, and it nearly hurts, stretches in a way he had forgotten. He tugs the horse's mane as he nods, kicks his feet against its shoulders, and Father chuckles. Readjusts, then leans forward, digs his heels in, and the horse bolts.

The air rushes past them, and Vali lets go of Father's hand around him yet to twine it in the horse's mane, hanging on, chest feeling white and full to bursting, and if he could, he would laugh, joy bright through him like the sun through the air.

XXX

As it happens, Father has a destination in mind. Vali blinks at the cabin set upon the plain, because he knows it is supposed to be a full day's ride from the city and it is not even noon yet. Father is much better than Vali at twisting space, though, and he supposes if Father had done something while they rode, he would not have noticed it.

He can hear the stream nearby over the stones as Father helps him down from the horse, and it is not too long after Father is going inside.

Vali follows. He expects the place will not be well-looked after, but as he walks in he realizes Father must have taken care of it before coming, that this was planned. Father always has a plan; it is comforting that this is still the same. Already Father is pulling ingredients from somewhere, vambraces left discarded on the table and sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

"Here, Vali," Father says, then picks him up and sets him on the counter next to where he is working. A hand flicks against the stove, springing it to life, and from where the oven is, he catches smell of heat.

Father's hands are sure, and Vali watches, hands on his lap. He loves watching Father work, how he pulls a pot from wherever they go when he doesn't need them, the hiss of butter in it before he adds the vegetables. Flour and butter take their place on the counter. A pastry dough, he thinks, as Father cuts the butter into the flour, chill radiating from his hands as he works quickly. Father does not talk, and Vali does not feel the silence like it might cut him, tightness pressing his throat as words try to claw their way out.

This is easy, relaxed, and he holds it close because it has been so long since he felt like this.

"Taste," Father says, offering him a cloudberry.

Vali tenses, biting his lip, eyes darting up to Father's briefly. Father does not look annoyed, or happy. He only looks at ease.

(It will be alright, it will be alright, it is Father offering this to him, and he still doesn't deserve food, not really, but Father isn't dead and it is Father who offers it to him, Father thinks it is alright, so this is alright—

"I need to know if you find it too sour," Father adds. Patient.

Vali takes the berry, puts it in his mouth, and tries to hide how his hands shake.

"Unelmoija?" Father says, soft, hand brushing Vali's knee.

Vali looks up, caught, still rolling the berry around his tongue. He feels almost sick.

"It is alright, Vali," Father says, and he smiles. "I promise."

(Father always tells the truth and he always keeps his promises; these two things are true, before everything else.)

He presses the cloudberry to the roof of his mouth. He lets himself taste it (because Father needs him to), juice rich and wet and it must be the first time he has tasted what he has eaten since before. Sweet, ripe, like summer caught within the orange berry; his eyes are wide as he swallows, and Father is smiling when he looks at him.

(Father is happy, joyful, it is thick in the room, trails his touch in whirlpools and currents, lights up his eyes.)

"Well?" Father asks. "Too sour?"

Vali shakes his head.

When Father offers him a handful of the cloudberries, he takes them, holds them in his hands. As Father goes back to the food, Vali eats them like a secret.

XXX

When they eat, they eat outside.

Father hands him food, asks him questions, a dizzying array of questions, so sometimes he has to sample a few times before he can nod or shake his head. Asks so many questions that he forgets he should feel guilty for eating in the attempt to answer all of them.

Father smiles, bright curve like the moon, and he forgets he shouldn't when Father hands him another cloudberry pastry without any questions at all.

XXX

Father is faster than him, though he pretends he isn't long enough that Vali is skidding down the bank by the stream and splashing across before Father catches up to him. Vali twists away from his grip, leaves the stream coated in ice where he crossed and Father lets out a yelp as he slips and ends up sitting in the middle of the stream, laughing.

Vali crouches, not quite in reach, and grins, holding a hand up to block the water Father splashes at him.

"Clever," Father says. "I don't remember you able to do that. What else did you learn?"

Vali hesitates, licks his lips, then walks over to where Father is still sitting in the water. He has to touch for this to work, but... Surely this will make him happy, keep him happy? Surely it will be alright. Father doesn't mind when he touches now, has told him he can.

Father still smiles slight, star-glimmer and dream. Relaxed, even as the tips of Vali's fingers stain blue, other hand resting on Father's shoulder (as if to steady himself).

(It makes this easier, to slip between the cracks of his emotions, guard down, and create)

"What's this?" Father asks, then he grins, voice delighted, proud. "An illusion, you figured it out? On your own?" Vali does not let himself blink where he stares at his hand and the bird barely created in his palm. He makes a quick gesture; Father chuckles, reaches out to touch (there, Vali thinks, there there, in the moment Father's fingers should pass through, and he twists, sparks, creates in Father's head touch where there is none), and Father inhales sharply. It's easier, as Father touches, as he expects to touch, the spell taking hold so Vali does not have to focus so, so some of the bird's movements are what Father expects.

"How?" Father asks, curious, demanding, pulling a wing wide as the bird squawks, prodding and trying to find the seam. Trying to find the flaw —like how Father's illusions all can be passed through, how they shimmer with the bent light they are made of.

Vali hesitates.

(He remembers Father's anger when he once pushed against another boy's emotions; Father always told him to take care of other's minds, and if he shows him, if he does, Father will be angry—

"Vali?" Father asks, suddenly focused on him.

Vali bites his lip, then lets his hand slip from Father's shoulder, so they aren't touching at all.

The bird vanishes.

Father is smart —it doesn't take him long to figure out what Vali did, and once he does fear blooms sharp on the air. Vali flinches and goes to step back, but then Father is pulling him into his arms, holding him tightly against his chest, breath short and choppy against Vali's hair. Fear; then, dazed, Vali realizes it is fear for him.

"Do not ever show anyone else how you do that," Father says, commands (behind the words, under them, danger and dangerous, they were dangerous, a danger to the realms, high note of they will take him for this, already whisper of taking him, and pounding underneath, wordless and tangled anger-defend-love). "Do you understand, unelmoija?" and Vali nods, gripping tight to Father (because Father is not angry at him for sliding into his head, not like Vali thought he would be, and he never remembers Father being so afraid beneath his anger).

Long minutes later, Father finally lets him go, helps him stand, then stands himself, taking his hand and leading him out of the stream. Moments later, they are dry. Vali feels awful, feels the sweet cloudberry joy of the afternoon ruined for his trick, for his attempt to make Father proud for what he finally learned while Father was away.

But once they are back at the cabin, sitting on the blanket they had lunch on, Father asks Vali to show him again, more slowly.

Then again, and again. It's harder, with Father paying attention, but not much, and he finds himself making snakes and birds, plants growing and twining over their feet (Father smiles, Father preens, pride around him like the moon's glow). It feels like a lesson, and his worry starts to fade as Father suggests different things for him to try, until there is a breathless moment he manages to hold the illusions with touching Father. It feels like before, and though he is tired by the time the sun begins to sweep low and Father suggests they go inside, he is happy.

(This isn't a dream. Father does not hate him. Father loves him and is proud of him and this isn't a dream.)

XXX

After dinner (he does eat, a little, though he still feels full from lunch, but Father handed it to him, and he grabbed tight to the joy it gave Father), tucked into bed and Father sitting next to him, Father begins to tell him a story. He tells about a bear and a fox and an eagle and a little boy (odd, like Vali), his thumb rubbing against Vali's palm as he talks.

He doesn't remember falling asleep, and he doesn't know what wakes him, only that Father is there, smoothing his hair down, voice soothing, and he falls asleep once more with a sigh, content.

there is, for any who want to see it, a portrait of kid vali on my tumblr. said tumblr is fel-as-in-tumbld, and you'll find it under the tag vali (i'm not going to try and get around 's bullshit link posting)

that said, i do have an ao3, username of FelicityGS, where said links can be posted with the chapter, if you want something easy to click