Author's Note: Just a bit of fun to cheer me up on a rainy day. It stands on its own as a one-shot, but I may turn it into a two-fer one day. Thanks to LolaLot and SpikeDee for looking this over for me.

Dedicated to the kakasaku communities at LJ and NF, for entertaining me for so long!

The Fifth Hokage inspected her best team of ninja as they waited to be briefed. Team Kakashi was the cream of the crop, a hodgepodge of several different generations that had somehow become the most formidable weapon in Konoha's arsenal. The five team members appeared to be totally normal at the moment - or as normal as it got for them, which was not very.

Sai was sketching Yamato, who was practicing his scary look on a very brave potted plant. Kakashi was reading his porn, giggling like a little girl.

Naruto had somehow fallen down a step or risen a rung, however one wished to view it, and convinced Teuchi to let him actually carry a bowl of ramen into the Hokage's office, where he ate it noisily.

He, like the rest of his teammates, did not appear to be as concerned as they should be.

Even Sakura didn't seem upset. Tsunade expected tears, or at the very least man-sized holes in several buildings, but none of the recent repair requests bore Sakura's not-so-subtle signature. In fact, Sakura was surreptitiously slipping stink bombs into Sai's kunai pouch, but who was Tsunade to question stress-induced decisions?

"Are one of you going to tell me who I have to kill?"

"Aw, what'd we do now, Baa-chan?" Naruto said with his mouth full.

A muscle above Tsunade's right eyebrow began to tic. "I don't know. What did you do, brat?"

Naruto had the good grace to swallow and look sheepish. "I didn't mean to make Tonton sick, I swear! I thought she'd like ramen. I was only -"

From behind Tsunade, Shizune gasped. "That was you? Naruto-kun, how could you?"

Sakura stopped plying Sai's belongings with stink bombs long enough to glare at Naruto.

"Seriously? My whole apartment smells like pig vomit because of you! Who do you think has to babysit her when Shizune's busy?"

Naruto began inching away from the women in the room, trying to insinuate himself between Yamato and Kakashi.

"Eh heh, well, Sakura-chan, she just looked so cute... Kind of like you when you're hungry, you know? I couldn't resist."

Sakura's right brow began to twitch. "Did you just call me a pig, Naruto? Do I look like Ino to you?"

Kakashi turned a page. "He's right. You're a bit piggish when you're hungry."

Naruto, who had stupidly tried to shield himself with his genin sensei, now scrambled away from him as if Kakashi had the plague, bracing for impact.

When Sakura only smiled, Naruto breathed a sigh of relief.

"So, for what reason have you called us here today, Tsunade-shishou?" Sakura said, voice dripping with sugar.

Tsunade slammed her hand on the desk, which groaned under the force of the blow. This was supposed to be serious, damn it.

"I called you here to find out which one of you morons has traumatized my apprentice so much that she formally requested a team change!"

Kakashi dropped his book, looking stricken.

"Kaka-sensei, are you all right?"

Naruto rushed forward and put his hand on Kakashi's forehead as if to check for a fever. He didn't even wave Naruto away. Naruto turned to Sakura, concern knitting his brows together.

"Sakura, what did you do to him?"

Sakura was still smiling as sweet as can be. "I didn't do anything to him. Yet."

Naruto pointed to the half-open book, face down on the floor. "Something's definitely wrong with him. He dropped Icha Icha."

The tic returned to Sakura's brow, but the smile remained. "Maybe he decided he doesn't need porn twenty four seven anymore."

Naruto appeared unconvinced. "Sakura, Icha Icha Violence is on the floor. Look, the pages are getting bent!"

This snapped Kakashi out of his stupor. He knelt over to retrieve the book, dusting it off and straightening the pages lovingly.

When it was safely stowed away, he turned to Sakura with an uncharacteristic hint of annoyance in his half-lidded gaze.

"This isn't funny."

Sakura's smile turned into a grin. "Oh, but I disagree."

Tsunade's hand balled into a fist. "Like I said, who do I have to kill?"

The smile dropped off of Sakura's face with sudden gravitas. She scrutinized Kakashi but didn't seem to find the answer she was looking for.

"Do you want to tell them, or shall I?"

"I said this isn't funny, Sakura," he said, voice sounding a bit strangled.

Naruto's features settled into concern, making him appear much younger than he actually was. "Sakura-chan?"

Sakura didn't take her eyes off Kakashi. "It's okay, Naruto. I promise."

This did not put Kakashi at ease, who took a tiny step backwards. "See, Sakura-chan, it's okay, so we can talk about this later, not right -"

"No, Kakashi. I've had enough talking, haven't you?"

He took another step back, recognizing the danger in her voice and raising his hands to shield himself from it. "But talking is lovely, isn't it, over some nice tea, in private -"

"We've talked until we're blue in the face ... blue everywhere, in fact." Sakura's eyes narrowed. "Do you know how much I hate the color blue, Kakashi?"

Tsunade had a vague idea where this was going, and sure, she could intervene, but ... why?

"Sakura, do you care to tell me why you've requested a team change?"

"Well, Shishou," Sakura said, still trapping Kakashi in her gaze like a hawk traps a bunny rabbit, "it has come to my attention that Hatake Kakashi does not have sex with teammates. Apparently, it's unprofessional."

Shizune squeaked. Naruto turned a shade of green that clashed brilliantly with his orange jumpsuit. There was a small ripping noise as Sai's pen tore through the top layer of his sketchpad. Yamato made a sound in the back of his throat that suggested he was choking on his own spittle.

"Well ... it is," Kakashi said lamely.

Undeterred, the sickly sweet smile returned to Sakura's face. "So, Shishou, I have decided to remove his excuse to see if he's man enough to put his pecker where his mouth isn't, so to speak."

Kakashi resolutely ignored eye contact with anyone.

Tsunade sighed. If this team didn't contain the hope for the future of the entire world, she would banish them all. Really, she would.

"Standard torture then? All right."

Tsunade stamped "Approved" on the form in front of her. She should probably deny the request, considering the importance of this particular team and that there was absolutely no one to fill Sakura's shoes, but where was the fun in that?

There would just be a permanent vacancy on Team Kakashi - and if only one person was qualified to temporarily fill the vacancy for every mission assigned, then who was Tsunade to argue?