All works used in this fanfiction are not mine and I hold no rights to the stories whatsoever. I just write the smut you all drink up.

As usual, there is swearing through the roof (with some restrictions) and will later on include some devious stuff. Sue me, I'm Auzzie.

* * *Holy moley I cannot believe how many people read this on the day it was published! Keep the love flowing guys!* * *

Renesmee POV

Oh my god my head hurts. what the hell happened last night?

Blinding sunshine is streaming in from somewhere and if it doesn't stop I will personally murder it with my own two hands if I have to.

I groan and roll over so I'm face-down on my pillow.
Ahhh nice and dark.
Wait a sec, how did I even get home?

I slowly open my heavy-lidded eyes and reach one arm out from my blanket cocoon on my bed to fumble around looking for my phone. Damn thing should be somewhere on my dresser.
Oh wheeeere oh wheeeere has my phoooone gone, oh wheeere oh wheeeeeere can it beeeee...

*thud*

Ahhh.. there it is.

I reach off the bed and fumble for my phone once again, only this time my fingertips find it's cool metallic surface before it has the chance to escape me again. Crafty little bugger.

Hmmmm lets see, 10:15am, not bad for a weekend... two texts and one missed call from Jake as per usual. Hopefully he'll have messaged me the details of how I got home last night.

Jake: Snuck you home at 3am, you passed out in my bed after we got back. Bells wasn't too happy about you being passed out completely.

Okay, not too bad for a hell of a night out... what's the second one on about.

Jake: ... I should mention that when you were blackout drunk you were really really... friendly.

What the, what does the goof mean by 'friendly'? Was I too huggy or somethi-

OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW

Small pieces of the night were still in my memory, hazy from the alcohol. Flashes of lights, dancing, a douche Australian and... OH VOLTURI I WAS NAKED IN JAKES BED WITH HIM. WHAT HAVE I DONE. SHIT SHIT SHIT. DID I GO TOO FAR. I BET JAKE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME LIKE THAT. I HAVE MADE A HUGE ASS OF MYSELF. YOU'RE AN IDIOT REN YOU KNOW THAT. A HUNGOVER IDIOT. SHIIIIIIIIT.

Okay, okay... breathe in, breathe out, breeaaaathe in... and breeeeaaatheee out.

Now just tap on that smartphone and call Jake back to explain.

Sorry I got nude in your bed Jake, my drunk and horny self wanted your tan body against me and a particular appendage inside of me.

No no that won't do.

I remember nothing, what nudity? HAHAHAHAHA WHAT A FUNNY JOKE.

God no he'll see through that in a second. He's not dumb. Well, he's a little dumb... but only when it comes to stuff like physics and computer hardware.

What did I say whilst nude in your bed? Because if it was along the lines of "remember when we were kids..." I'm pretty sure we're safe.

No, he knows the vampire parts of my brain will remember it all.

Did I knock you up? I know you can't resist my giant vampiric phallus that glitters n shit.

Noooo, the second half will make him puke. But I'll keep the first half, he'll find it funny.

To Jake: Ohh shit... we didn't? ... Did I knock you up? Am I gonna be a daddy?

PERFECT. He will bust his ass laughing.
Aaaaaand sent.
Give it 5 mins and he'll have texted me back I bet.

In the meantime, quick face wash to feel somewhat human again. Well, technically hybrid. Ugh why does my species sound like a plant.

After I'd washed my face, brushed my teeth and detangled the stupid knotty hair I booted up my PC and grabbed my phone in the meantime.
OOOh text from Jake.
Jake: It's quadruplets. You took advantage of my drunken self in that vulnerable condition and knocked me up. I expect at least $1M in child support. And a yacht.

To Jake: Can you even sail a yacht? My money is going towards nothing other than their college fund and sending the bratty one to military school.

Jake: I can learn to yacht. I'll be the best damn yachtsman quadruplet parent the world has seen.

To Jake: The word your looking for is "sailor"

Jake: Well Excuuuuuse me miss vocabulary, but not everyone has an ever-youthful brain.

To Jake: You literally don't age Jake... neither of us do.

Jake: DON'T SAY THAT OVER THE PHONE! THE NSA READ EVERY TEXT YOU SEND.

To Jake: Dear NSA, I am a big scary half-vampire half-human hybrid. Come at me bruh.

Hah Jake should have some fun with that, knowing him he'll be over here within the next hour anyways.

After half an hour chatting to Dad about the 'wonderful' sleep and dreams I had last night while chowing down on some of Nana Esme's fantastic sausage and bacon fritters Jake was at the front door politely knocking... which was a first.

Jake NEVER politely knocks. He usually knocks once, opens the door and yells out something stupid.

Something is up with wolf boy. And I will get to the bottom of it.

Yooooo Author here, hot damn I had no idea people liked reading my trash so much! I'll try and get to some juicy stuff soon I promise! xoxoxoxo