A/N: I've been working on this story for quite some time, as Shakayla can attest to, but I got sidetracked by other fandoms so it's just been sitting waiting for me to pick it back up. I decided to post it and try to work on it again. The updates at times will be slow, but I will finish it, I always finish my stories.

The song, What If by Kate Winslet, is the song that inspired me to write this story and can be found on youtube if you want to listen to it. It's a beautiful song.

Chapter 1

"Have you been thinking about us?" His voice was filled with hope.

"Yes, I have," she answered as she looked up at him, her answer in her eyes before she ever said the words.

"I see," he paused and backed up. "If you'll excuse me." He turned and walked away, stopping when she grabbed his arm.

"No, Joseph, you had to know what I was going to say. I…Mia needs me now more than ever before, and it's the monarchy. As queen it's my responsibility. You know how it is." Her voice cracked as she tried to explain, seeing the normal twinkle in his green eyes die.

"You were never just my queen, Clarisse. You were the someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But if you prefer that I see you, first and foremost as my queen, I shall oblige you." His heart felt dead and the warmth of his body suddenly turned cold.

"No, Joseph…" she cupped his cheek in the familiar gesture, her voice pleading with him to understand.

"Your Majesty," he said coldly as he backed away from her touch, bowing before turning and walking from the room.

Shaking herself from her thoughts, Clarisse stared at the letter written in Joseph's bold script telling her that he was formally giving her his resignation. It was now rumpled from her reading it over and over, but each time she read it, the words stayed the same.

Her Joseph was leaving her.

I'm sorry to leave on such short notice, Your Majesty, but a rather lucrative job offer has been extended to me that I simply could not pass up. But to take the job, I must leave today. Steven is well equipped to take over as Head of Security, so you will not have to worry about being unprotected.

It has been a great honor to serve as Head of Security for the Renaldi family for these many years, and it is with sadness that I leave, but as with all things, time brings change.

Clarisse couldn't read any further. She didn't have to. She knew what it said word for word. She had let her duty to her country scare off the one man that had ever truly loved her, the one man that she had ever truly loved.

Mia had asked where Joseph was when he wasn't present at her wedding and Clarisse had told the girl that Joseph was gone, that he'd been gone for several days. That answer had brought on question after question, none of which Clarisse had answered truthfully. Only Charlotte knew the truth, and she would die with it buried in her heart before she'd reveal it to anyone, even Mia.

Now that Mia was married and getting settled into the life of wife to Andrew and Queen of Genovia, Clarisse decided that she would travel. She longed to go, to be able to just sit and enjoy the beauty around her and not be obligated to attend parties and social functions. She was no longer Queen, and while she had hoped that it would be liberating, she realized that it left her feeling cold and useless.

No.

The cold was from what she'd done.

From what she'd lost.

The cold had crept upon her the night she watched Joseph walk away. It had overtaken her when she realized that she would never see him again, that the last memory she would have of him was of his icy manner and green eyes that no longer held any sign of life. Eyes that had once been a window to his soul, had become closed and unknown.

In the months following that night, she had often heard his voice in the distance only to stop and remember that he wasn't there, he was gone, and it was only her mind playing tricks on her. Her dreams were cruel as well, often waking her with a sob as she realized his arms weren't wrapped around her and never would be again.

She had tried to learn where he'd gone to, tried to find out if he was okay, but no one seemed to know where he was. Steven hadn't known of a job offer, nor had any other member of the security or palace staff. This had brought up a whole new set of questions, the main one being, had he lied to her?

Shaking herself from her thoughts, she barely managed to put the letter in its envelope and shove it in a drawer before Mia stepped into the room. She could see from the look on the younger woman's face, that today was going to be another day of questions.

Questions that needed answers.

Answers that she couldn't give her Queen, or herself.

Because she didn't know.

She just didn't know.

Two years later…

Clarisse sighed as she stared down at the baby currently snuggled against her chest. He was a chubby cheeked little fellow that reminded her a lot of his grandfather. His birth had been what brought her back to Genovia, a place she hadn't been in two years. The pain of the memories was still too great, and being at the Palace where most of those memories were made, was nearly unbearable.

"What do you think of him, Grandma?" Mia's question broke through Clarisse's hazy thoughts.

Looking up at her granddaughter, she smiled gently at the exhausted young woman who had just spent the last thirty hours in labor. "He's beautiful, Darling. Reminds me so very much of his grandfather."

"Really?" Mia asked with excitement.

"Yes, really." Clarisse couldn't help but smile again at the young woman's sudden burst of exuberance. "I'll have to see if I can find some pictures of Philippe when he was a newborn."

Mia frowned as the words her grandmother spoke made her remember that her grandmother no longer lived in the Palace and that most of her things were still packed away in storage containers. "Grandma?"

Clarisse, having gone back to watching her great grandson sleep, looked up sharply at the sudden unhappy sound of Mia's voice. "Yes?"

"Will it hurt you if we name the baby Joseph Philippe?" Mia watched as her grandmother's eyes closed and she felt her heart break at the sadness her grandmother wasn't able to hide quickly enough.

Clarisse opened her eyes and let them fall back to the peaceful face of the baby. "Both men would be proud."

"Grandma?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me what happened? Please? I know it hurts you, but you have to talk about it. Why did Joe disappear?"

Clarisse swallowed around the lump in her throat. She didn't want to talk about Joseph, but she knew that her Queen deserved to know the reasons why the former head of security had left. "I hurt him."

Mia cocked her head to the side. "How? You love him."

"Duty."

"Oh, Grandma. Not again," she sighed. "This time it was because of me, wasn't it?"

"No," the older woman shook her head as she lifted her face to stare into her granddaughter's dark eyes. "Do not blame yourself. It was my fault, no one else's. No matter how much I loved him, years of doing what is expected of me for my country cannot be overruled that easily."

"I still played a part. If I hadn't needed you so much, it might have been different."

"Yes, it might have, but might haves never get us anywhere."

"I miss you, Grandma."

"I miss you as well, Darling." Clarisse smiled sadly as she watched her granddaughter's eyes slowly flutter closed. Looking down at her grandson, she slowly stood up and moved to his cradle. "I believe, young man, that you and your mother need rest," she whispered as she gently laid him on the soft mattress, tucking his blanket around him.

CnJ

Andrew stood up when he heard the door open and greeted the former queen with a warm smile. "Asleep?"

"Both of them." Clarisse nodded. "I'm going to go and leave the three of you alone. I'll be by later today after we've all had some rest."

Andrew nodded and helped her into her coat. "Grandmother?"

Clarisse smiled at the shy way he said the name. "Yes?"

Looking down at his shoes, Andrew chewed on his bottom lip. "Did Mia ask about the baby's name?"

"She did, and I told her both men would be proud."

"We didn't want to upset you."

"I'll be honest, Andrew. It does upset me, because just their names bring back memories, but I really am fine with the baby being named after them. I can't think of names more fitting for Genovia's new prince."

Andrew shook his head. "I can't believe I'm the father of Genovia's next king."

Leaning forward, Clarisse kissed his cheek. "You're a fine man, Andrew. I'm so glad Amelia picked you."

"Thank you."

"Now, go and get some rest. My guard will see me out."

"Goodnight."

Clarisse chuckled. "A bit strange hearing that at six a.m."

"Bit strange saying it." Andrew smiled then yawned. "Does it always take this long?"

Clarisse laughed, "Her father put me through nearly three days of labor by being stubborn. Be glad his grandson wasn't as stubborn."

"Oh my." Andrew's face paled. "How did the King handle it?"

"He slept through most of it."

Andrew's face showed his shock. "He slept?" his voice squeaked.

Clarisse chuckled at the shock on the young man's face. "My doctor made a nurse go and get Rupert's doctor, who in turn gave Rupert a sedative. The man was about to wear a hole in the floor and was so nervous that several staff members nearly lost their heads."

Andrew smiled. "Then I guess it's a good thing he slept."

"Very good."

Andrew opened the door for Clarisse. "Thank you for coming. She was afraid you wouldn't be able to make it."

"I wouldn't have missed being here for her for anything in the world, Andrew." Clarisse gave the young man one last smile then walked out into the hall, followed closely by her guard as they made their way to her waiting car.