THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE
Day 1
Cloudy today, as usual. Still not the Dark Arts professor. Am getting very tired of resubmitting resume every year. Job went to that git Quirrell...not surprised. Must be shagging half the faculty in order to keep it, as he seems totally unqualified in any other way. Also strikes me as a swotty nancy.
Day 2
Have just heard James' son is going to be in my classes, worse luck. I shall probably flunk him. Still not Dark Arts professor.
Day 3
Rotten Potter brat looks just like his father, which creeps me out. Kind of cute, though. Also met up with Lucius' son, a much better student with very cool hair. Offered him private tutoring as a favor to Lucius, but he declined.
Day 4
Had a falling out today with Dumbledore when he got quite shirty over the way I teach class. Told me off for trying to deliberately flunk Potter. Don't know why Dumbledore thinks so much of that kid. Think maybe he wants to get just a little too friendly with his students, the old lech. Still bloody Potions master today.
Day 8
Just realized my job has no magical significance whatsoever! Got a rather cheeky anonymous letter stating that I was merely the Home Economics teacher of Hogwarts and my class should be called "Mixing and Boiling 101." Had a good cry about it in the boy's lavatory. Want to apply for the Transfiguration position next term but that harpy MacGonagall would turn me into a badger.
Made up for it by teaching Malfoy some dangerous new tricks to use on Potter, as well as some slightly non-magical tricks involving chocolate syrup. He seemed to be impressed.
Day 14
No classes. Stayed in bed all day today. Still not the Dark Arts professor.
Day 19
Found Quirrell in an empty classroom, talking to his hat. Suspect he might be gay.
Day 27
Haven't written lately. Too upset over idiot Potter boy and annoying redhaired sidekick. Gave Potter detention for mouthing off in class and sent him to Filch to be whipped in the dungeons. Was disappointed that he wouldn't let me watch.
Day 34
Think Quirrell may be in league with Voldemort. At dinner, he keeps stealing crackers off the table and stuffing them into his hat. Still haven't got his job yet.
Day 36
Caught Quirrell trying to sneak past three-headed dog! Go me! He said he just wanted another look at the Philosopher's Stone to make sure it was still there. Told him off and said I was going to get his job one way or another. He said there was something of his he wouldn't mind giving me and started edging towards me. Ran away quick.
Day 38
First Quidditch match. Had to stop Quirrell from putting curse on Potter to make his trousers come off. Bloody counter-curse of mine made his broom try to kill him instead. Quirrell was miffed about the whole affair and so was I. Almost wish I had let him get away with it. Flunked most of the seventh-year class today.
Day 49
Decided to wash hair today but someone had stolen all of my St. Ives out of the bathroom. Was very upset, but don't really think I needed a shower anyhow.
Swotty little Malfoy kid keeps whining about his problems. Already gave him a prefect score on last test, so I don't see what he's so upset about. Maybe it was the chocolate syrup.
Day 53
Went out for a midnight skulk around the castle and ran into Quirrell again, talking to his hat. Am starting to think he is definitely gay.
Day 58
Have to go to stupid Death Eater's reunion tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Hate everybody I used to know there anyhow. Have to bring a dish to pass...probably will make a cheesecake.
Day 59
Reunion was a disaster. Hardly anyone showed (mostly because they were in jail) and Avery got drunk and ruined the nice centerpiece on the buffet table. Worse luck, I forgot to bring the cheesecake. Still, was glad to see that most everyone else was going slightly bald, whereas I was the best- looking wizard there.
Day 62
Got back to school and found out that over the weekend, that Potter brat had managed to save the Stone and fight off Voldemort. Were was he at the reunion?!
Am not happy that my efforts to protect the Stone have gone unnoticed. Will probably have another good cry, then fail the rest of my students.
Day 1
Cloudy today, as usual. Still not the Dark Arts professor. Am getting very tired of resubmitting resume every year. Job went to that git Quirrell...not surprised. Must be shagging half the faculty in order to keep it, as he seems totally unqualified in any other way. Also strikes me as a swotty nancy.
Day 2
Have just heard James' son is going to be in my classes, worse luck. I shall probably flunk him. Still not Dark Arts professor.
Day 3
Rotten Potter brat looks just like his father, which creeps me out. Kind of cute, though. Also met up with Lucius' son, a much better student with very cool hair. Offered him private tutoring as a favor to Lucius, but he declined.
Day 4
Had a falling out today with Dumbledore when he got quite shirty over the way I teach class. Told me off for trying to deliberately flunk Potter. Don't know why Dumbledore thinks so much of that kid. Think maybe he wants to get just a little too friendly with his students, the old lech. Still bloody Potions master today.
Day 8
Just realized my job has no magical significance whatsoever! Got a rather cheeky anonymous letter stating that I was merely the Home Economics teacher of Hogwarts and my class should be called "Mixing and Boiling 101." Had a good cry about it in the boy's lavatory. Want to apply for the Transfiguration position next term but that harpy MacGonagall would turn me into a badger.
Made up for it by teaching Malfoy some dangerous new tricks to use on Potter, as well as some slightly non-magical tricks involving chocolate syrup. He seemed to be impressed.
Day 14
No classes. Stayed in bed all day today. Still not the Dark Arts professor.
Day 19
Found Quirrell in an empty classroom, talking to his hat. Suspect he might be gay.
Day 27
Haven't written lately. Too upset over idiot Potter boy and annoying redhaired sidekick. Gave Potter detention for mouthing off in class and sent him to Filch to be whipped in the dungeons. Was disappointed that he wouldn't let me watch.
Day 34
Think Quirrell may be in league with Voldemort. At dinner, he keeps stealing crackers off the table and stuffing them into his hat. Still haven't got his job yet.
Day 36
Caught Quirrell trying to sneak past three-headed dog! Go me! He said he just wanted another look at the Philosopher's Stone to make sure it was still there. Told him off and said I was going to get his job one way or another. He said there was something of his he wouldn't mind giving me and started edging towards me. Ran away quick.
Day 38
First Quidditch match. Had to stop Quirrell from putting curse on Potter to make his trousers come off. Bloody counter-curse of mine made his broom try to kill him instead. Quirrell was miffed about the whole affair and so was I. Almost wish I had let him get away with it. Flunked most of the seventh-year class today.
Day 49
Decided to wash hair today but someone had stolen all of my St. Ives out of the bathroom. Was very upset, but don't really think I needed a shower anyhow.
Swotty little Malfoy kid keeps whining about his problems. Already gave him a prefect score on last test, so I don't see what he's so upset about. Maybe it was the chocolate syrup.
Day 53
Went out for a midnight skulk around the castle and ran into Quirrell again, talking to his hat. Am starting to think he is definitely gay.
Day 58
Have to go to stupid Death Eater's reunion tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Hate everybody I used to know there anyhow. Have to bring a dish to pass...probably will make a cheesecake.
Day 59
Reunion was a disaster. Hardly anyone showed (mostly because they were in jail) and Avery got drunk and ruined the nice centerpiece on the buffet table. Worse luck, I forgot to bring the cheesecake. Still, was glad to see that most everyone else was going slightly bald, whereas I was the best- looking wizard there.
Day 62
Got back to school and found out that over the weekend, that Potter brat had managed to save the Stone and fight off Voldemort. Were was he at the reunion?!
Am not happy that my efforts to protect the Stone have gone unnoticed. Will probably have another good cry, then fail the rest of my students.