Counting

Lily remembers the day when she started being afraid and when she started counting. She was five, and sitting on the rug in front of the kitchen fire with James and Al, drinking hot chocolate and eating biscuits when Uncle Bill's head appeared in the fire looking worried and asking to talk to Mummy. And then Victoire and Dominique and Louis were there (it was the school holidays, so nobody was at Hogwarts), which was good because she liked her big cousins, but they weren't happy like they usually were, and Dominique looked like she'd been crying. And Mummy said that Tante Fleur was ill and Uncle Bill had taken her to St Mungo's and they mustn't bother the big girls as they were worried about their maman.

And they were there all day, and ended up staying the night, which meant that Victoire and Dominique slept in Lily's room and she had to have the little cot in Mummy and Daddy's room, which she didn't like much because their room was dark and didn't have her dragon mobile that Uncle Charlie gave her. And she couldn't sleep so she crept downstairs to talk to Mummy and Daddy, but then she heard Uncle Bill's voice in the living room, and it sounded like he was crying and she saw through the crack in the door that Mummy was hugging him, and she heard him say, "I nearly lost her, Gin," and she didn't know what that meant, but it sounded bad, so she crept back to bed and never told anyone she was there.

And in the morning Mummy said that Tante Fleur had been going to have a baby, but the baby had died inside her and that Tante Fleur had nearly died too, but she was okay now, and that they must be very nice to their cousins because they were upset. (Though Lily thought that Louis didn't seem upset at all; he was laughing and messing about with James and Al like he usually did.)

And after that, Lily started being afraid because if a baby could die before it even was and if something could be bad enough to make Uncle Bill (who was one of the bravest people she knew) cry, then the world wasn't the safe and secure place that she had always thought it was, and something terrible might be going to happen at any minute to her or – and this would be even worse – to someone she loved.

And she had to stop that from happening.

Sunday lunches at Granny and Grandad's were the best times because those were the times when so many of the people she loved were all gathered in one place and she could be sure they were all alright. Of course, Victoire and Dominique and Molly were at school a lot of the time, and Uncle Charlie wasn't usually there because he was in Romania (and Lily pretended to herself that he had a really boring job in Romania, a bit like Uncle Percy's job at the Ministry, because if she started thinking about dragons and those dragons hurting Uncle Charlie, she went cold inside). And she knew that Victoire and Dominique and Molly were okay, because Hogwarts was a safe place and anyway Uncle Bill and Tante Fleur and Uncle Percy and Aunt Audrey were smiling and laughing with everyone else and they wouldn't be if there was anything wrong with their children.

So Sunday lunches were okay, but Lily had to be sure, so she counted, and if she counted and got the sums right, it meant that things – and the people she loved – would be fine. In term time, it was twenty-one; twenty-one people round the table. She counted as they sat down, but she had to do it before someone – usually Granny or Uncle George –started talking or it didn't count. She loved Granny and Uncle George, but sometimes she hated them for talking because then she had to count again, in threes and in sevens until she could do it seven times and then it would be fine.

And if Victoire and Dominique and Molly were there, it was twenty-four, which was easier because you could do it in twos or threes or fours. Or even sixes or eights or twelves, which was harder but somehow felt safer. And fives if Uncle Charlie showed up, as he did once in a blue moon. She liked that; fives were so easy, and they felt round and whole and safe.

But counting was exhausting because what if she got it wrong and something happened and it was her fault? Like the time she forgot that Teddy was there with them, and there were twenty-six of them and she was still counting in fives, when it should have been twos or even thirteens, and then Louis and Fred fell out of the apple tree after lunch, and Fred broke his leg. Granny fixed it and it was okay, but it was her fault, her fault for counting wrong and what if it had been worse?

So she started counting at home too. Five of them, which didn't seem enough somehow, so she started touching her mirror or the table or the cloaks by the back door five times to be sure and washing her hands five times, and sometimes she wasn't sure it was enough so she did it five times five and her hands were sore with washing, but what did it matter if it kept them all safe?

And the numbers on Sundays kept changing as they all got older, and it was okay when Lucy went to school because that made twenty, which worked in fives, but once Louis and Fred and James started all at once that was awful because seventeen was just seventeen, and if you had to do seventeen times seventeen it was so easy to get mixed up and risk something happening.

And of course, once James went to school, there were only four of them at home, but Lily didn't know whether to count him still, so she did five and four at home, just to be safe and that seemed to work, but it still worried her. And did she do five times five if she got it wrong, or five times four? What if she was wrong? She worried more, and counted more, and sometimes she woke up at night and counted, or dreamt that she was counting and woke up in the morning scared she had gone wrong in the night.

And Mummy and Daddy noticed of course. When she started, they made a joke of it, "Oh, it's just Lily and her counting again. How many eights in twenty-four, sweetheart?" but then they started to get cross about it and tell her she didn't need to count, that she should stop it, that it was getting silly, but they didn't understand, she had to count, she had to, she had to. So she cried and shouted and tried to explain, but they didn't understand and they thought she was being naughty and that made her sad, but she couldn't stop, she couldn't, she had to keep them safe.

And then they started talking about Healers and St Mungo's, and Lily got even more scared, because maybe, despite it all, despite the counting, she had done it wrong and now she was ill (although she didn't feel ill, she was fine as long as they let her count) and it was her fault, her fault, her fault. And the Healer at St Mungo's tried to talk to her about why she counted, but she couldn't make him understand, and he was so tall (not as tall as Uncle Bill or Uncle Ron, but he felt taller because he frightened her so) that he seemed a million miles away when she tried to explain, and so she stopped trying and wouldn't talk to him at all.

And Mummy and Daddy tried to talk to her and to make her explain, but she couldn't she just couldn't because they didn't understand, and if she tried to make them understand it made her upset and then she got the counting wrong, and they couldn't see how much it mattered.

And then it was September again, and Al and Rose were starting school, which would be better for Sundays (fifteen), but worse, so much worse, for home because that would mean three and five, but she was so used to doing four and five that she was sure she would get it wrong, and anyway three times five was only fifteen, and four times five was twenty, which was bigger and rounder and so much safer. So perhaps she would have to do three and four and five, all of them, just to be sure, just to be safe.

And at the station, she was cross, and Mummy and Daddy thought it was just because she wasn't old enough to go to Hogwarts yet, but it wasn't, or not really. (She wanted to go, of course she did, and it would be lonely at home with James and Al both gone, but part of her didn't want to go ever, because there were so many people at Hogwarts, and how would she ever work out the numbers there, or know who to count at The Burrow for Sunday lunch if she wasn't there herself?) Mostly she was cross because the numbers had changed again, and as far as she could see, they were going to keep on changing, and it was so hard, so hard to remember and keep them straight, and she was so so tired of counting.

And then someone came up behind them and said hello to Mummy and Daddy, and Mummy laughed and said, "Lily Luna, come and say hello to your namesake," and she was happy because she liked Aunt Luna, although she hadn't seen her for ages and ages and ages because she'd been off in South America looking for Darksniggles or Punjalls or Gogglefleeters or something with Uncle Rolph. And Aunt Luna crouched down to talk to her, which Lily really liked, and frowned when she saw her and touched under her eyes really gently, at the place where Lily knew there were dark shadows because she didn't sleep enough now, and said, "Are you still counting, Lily Luna?" as if she really wanted to know, and as if she wouldn't be cross about it like everyone else was, and Lily nodded. And Aunt Luna nodded too, and said, "I think we need to talk about that, you and me, very soon. I'll talk to Mummy and Daddy about it," and then she stood up again, but not before she had put a little parcel in Lily's hand. And when she opened it, later, on the way home, she saw that it was a tiny doll, a lovely soft doll, with her own red hair and brown eyes, and with a heart on her jumper.

And when Mummy asked (a bit nervously, which wasn't like Mummy at all) if she would like to go and talk to Aunt Luna about the counting, she smiled and said she wouldn't mind at all, and Mummy looked relieved. And Lily felt relieved too, because she already felt safer with the little doll (she called her Kitty) in her pocket, and she somehow knew that Aunt Luna would understand about the counting as no one else did.

And she went to Aunt Luna's funny house with the corners that shouldn't join up to make rooms but somehow did, and the multi-coloured curtains and the vases of things that weren't flowers but were somehow prettier, and she felt safe for the first time in ages, and she forgot to count as Mummy said goodbye and said she'd be back to pick her up later, and somehow it didn't matter even when she realised she'd forgotten. And Aunt Luna gave her something that wasn't quite sweet but wasn't sour either to drink, and talked about when she was little and how she worried about things, especially after her mummy died. When she said that, about her mummy dying, Lily felt herself clutching Kitty really hard and she started counting and counting and counting. And then she realised that Aunt Luna was looking at her really kindly, and wasn't cross at all, and she asked her if the counting helped, and Lily stopped counting and started to cry and said it was supposed to, but it didn't always work any more and she was so tired of it, and she wanted to stop. And Aunt Luna took her on her lap and hugged her and told her it would be alright and she would help her and somehow Lily wasn't so scared any more.

And Aunt Luna told her that when she wanted to count, all she had to do was to squeeze Kitty in her pocket. And she didn't tell her any nonsense about Kitty doing the counting for her, because she knew that Lily knew that Kitty was just a doll, but she told her that squeezing Kitty would help and it didn't matter how many times she did it in a day, and it didn't even matter if she forgot and started counting again, because if she just remembered she had Kitty there, that would help. And then she cut Lily a big slice of ginger cake, and told her stories about the jungles of South America, and the people she had met and the creatures she had found until it was time for Lily to go home.

And it was hard not counting. Much harder even than when she had had to do seventeen times seventeen, and so many times Lily forgot and started counting again, but then she would remember and feel Kitty in her pocket and take a deep breath and make herself stop. And she was grumpy with Mummy and Daddy, and grumpy with James and Al when they were home from school, and even grumpy with Roxanne, who was her very best friend in the world as well as being her cousin, but she kept on with it, and gradually she stopped being quite so grumpy for quite so much of the time. And she kept on visiting Aunt Luna, once a week and then once a fortnight and then once a month, and then when she was ten and three quarters and Aunt Luna and Uncle Rolph went off to America for three months, she didn't see her at all, but by then she could talk about the counting to Mummy and Daddy and even to Roxanne, who rolled her eyes and told her she was, "Mad, quite mad!" which would have made her cross a year ago, but now made her laugh at the tone of Roxanne's voice.

And when she was eleven, going on for twelve, Lily Luna Potter kissed her Mum and Dad goodbye at the station and got on the train for Hogwarts with Roxanne, and didn't count at all. Kitty was in her trunk, not in her pocket, and Lily had told Aunt Luna very firmly only yesterday that that was where she was staying.

"I'm too big for dolls now," she said, and Aunt Luna smiled and kissed her and said she thought she probably was.