A/N: THIS JUST GETS MORE AND MORE INSANE AS IT GOES ON.

Okay, this is now Leo/Buford, since Sam's already done Percy/Riptide, Jason/Brick and she's doing Hazel/Chicken Nugget and I've done Frank/Handcuffs.

So here's another nucking futs one from me.

Song: I was listening to 'Flower of Scotland' – Red Hot Chilli Peppers, BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T FIT WITH THIS FANFIC.

Leo

Leo was used to his friends falling in love with objects. He'd heard of Percy kissing Riptide. Jason had run off with a brick. Frank was getting it on with the Chinese handcuffs. And he'd walked in on Hazel snogging a chicken nugget (he really wished he hadn't introduced the pair). But, he didn't realize it would happen to himself.

While the others were eating the metaphorical faces off of their object partners, Leo sat down in the engine room alone with only Buford the table. Leo held a wrench in his hand and tried to find something to fix on the engine. Of course, he found nothing, so he instead pulled bits of wires and copper and bolts from his pocket and started to fiddle around with them, thinking more with his fingers than his brain.

Once or twice, his eyes snaked over to Buford. He didn't know why, but he had a growing attraction to the table that he was sure was going to end in infatuation. He wanted to pull a Jason and have a brick thrown at his head. No, he was not in love with a table. That was just Aphrodite fucking with his and everyone else's mind. And he was going to fight it, unlike most of the others.

"Good luck with that," Buford snorted. Leo's hand slipped and he hit his knee hard with his wrench.

"Holy Hephaestus!" he shouted, jumping up and down on the spot, holding his sore knee in his hand. "You can talk?!"

"Please, it surely must be common knowledge that basically every object on this ship can talk!" the table said.

"Does that mean the engine can talk?"

"Sure does," the engine said in a deep, gravelly voice. It sounded as if it was gargling on oil.

Leo wished he was just hallucinating and the engine and Buford weren't actually talking. It would just top his whole week off.

"Oh, Leo, I thought you liked me," Buford said in a sour voice. "You did give me a name, after all, and you do spend a lot of time with me."

"But… you're a table," Leo said, standing before Buford with his arms spread out before himself. "Tables don't talk! And fifteen year old Bad Boy Supremes don't fall in love with tables!"

"Oh, so you love me, do you?" Buford giggled. Leo imagined a blush spreading over the table's surface. "Well, come over here and prove that to me."

Leo frowned at the table, not sure what it meant, before he went bright red. It was bad enough just admitting his love for a table, but now having to go snog it? Hopefully, no one would walk him and judge him.

He crossed the space between himself and the table in three quick steps and pressed his lip against the smooth mahogany surface. The engine whistled behind them. It was always whistling, but Leo made out a very distinct wolf-whistle that he ignored. Buford the table giggled beneath him.

The door to the engine room swung open, and Leo couldn't move away from Buford fast enough before Piper walked in. The daughter of Aphrodite froze in the doorway, her mouth hanging open and her eyes as wide as saucers.

"What. The. Hades?" she asked, her eyes flitting between Leo and the table and back again.

"Leo and Buford, sitting in a tree, doin' what they shouldn't be," the engine sang. "Starts with an S, ends with an X, oh my gods they're having – OW!"

The last part was because Leo had thrown his wrench right at the control panel, which sparked angrily.

Piper stood and stared at Leo for a few seconds, before she took a deep breath and screamed, at the top of her lungs, "LEO'S WITH BUFORD!" She then ran as fast as she could, screaming 'BLOODY MURDER' as Leo ran after her wielding his hammer.