Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.
a/n story dedicated to Rainbow and Ari for inspiring me with this idea!
It's not really humor, it's a pathetic attempt at humor. *hides* this story is very, very… *sigh* never mind. It's just bad. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't promise everyone, *sigh* but after you read it, pretend you never did.
This story takes place in the 'Of Western Stars' timeline. You would read it without that fic's background, but it borrows character relationship and character personalities from the situation. Harry is somewhat different from Rowling's Harry, as are Sirius and Remus.
Good Intentions
By neutral
Chapter one - good little godsons, bad little godfathers
//
"He's so charming…"
"Charming? That's not the right way to put it. He's…"
"… incredibly sweet, understanding, kind, a bit shy, but so incredibly sweet…"
"His hair needs a some work, his glasses are…"
"Adorable. They're adorable. They make him look so sweet. And what are you taking about, his hair is perfect! It makes him look so sweet…"
"You've been saying that for the past fifteen minutes."
"Well, he is!"
A cough. "Yeah, well, he may be sweet, but his godfather definitely isn't. If you want him, you need to pass the godfather test."
A long silence.
"Wasn't that why that Ravenclaw girl…?"
"Yeah, not that they were going out in the first place, it was more of a one sided attraction…"
Snort. "What are you talking about? She was practically draping herself all over him, and…"
"… Professor Black invited both of them to dinner in his office one day, and she never approached him again."
Another long pause.
"Oh."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"But he's so sweet…"
"Quiet! He's coming!"
\\
Harry paused in the hallway, glancing over his shoulder at small group of girls, huddled behind a suit of armor as if attempting in vain to be inconspicuous. One of them caught his eye, and the entire hoard dissolved into a fit of muffled coughing that sounded suspiciously like giggles.
Harry blinked, perplexed. "Ron, is there a virus going around in the girls dormitories?"
"Virus?" Ron's voice was muffled behind a text book, as he was attempting to finish the past of his potions essay in between class. The ink from his quill had splattered over his hands, and all over the parchment.
"Disease, sort of."
Ron glanced at him as if he suddenly grew a second head. "The girls are diseased?"
"No," Harry said hastily, sneaking a glance over his shoulder at the bobbing heads. "I was just wondering, since everyone seems to be coughing."
"That's odd. Hermione's perfectly fine. I think it's just you, Harry."
Sirius hid a large yawn behind the roll of parchment, finger combing his black hair to bring as much order to it as possible as he jogged to the classroom. He woke up late again. That was the fourth time that week. But Remus was probably prepared and already hoarded him some breakfast from the great hall.
After Quirrel was revealed to be Voldemort's supporter, Lockhart flaking out and nearly brainwashing his godson, Dumbledore finally decided having Sirius blast through the doors of the Great Hall towards the end of every school year was not the best experience for either parties. He offered them the defense class at the end of Harry's second year, and they both jumped at the opportunity.
Sirius and Remus were beginning to be the longest surviving defense teachers in the history of Hogwarts. But he wasn't suited for the job. If anything, he should teach transfiguration. Defense was Remus' forte, and he had far more patience with children than he. Nevertheless, that didn't stop him from taking full advantage of the position.
Sirius slowed in his steps as he approached the classroom, but a small gathering of Hufflepuff girls caught his attention. That raised his suspicions instantly, and he strained his ears to listen.
"He looked at me!" one of the squealed.
Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"You're hopeless," another mumbled with a groan.
"I'm not! He's just so sweet."
"He thought we were diseased," the second said flatly.
"He thought we caught a cold. Isn't he so considerate?"
"Oh god, you need help…"
"You have to admit he's really…"
"… desirable?"
"Yeah. I heard he can cook and clean, not to mention his grades are not too bad, and he's…"
"The Boy Who Lived."
Sirius' ears perked up instantly at that. In four long strides, he was towering above the six-year Hufflepuffs, eyes narrowed in a poisonous glare. The group instantly fell silent, horrified.
"Well, that too," one of the girls was still ranting obliviously. "But then there's his godfather…"
Sirius cleared his throat. "What about me?"
She froze, staring stiffly ahead for almost a full minute before slowly turning around. "Oh sh…"
"… it?" Sirius finished helpfully. He folded his arms, flicking out his wand in a causal but intimidating position. "You were saying something before."
She paled. Her eyes darted to her friend's as if seeking support. "We were talking about…"
"Her cousin!" another broke in hastily. "We were talking about her cousin. He has a godfather."
"Ah, incest? Very interesting," Sirius muttered with a wry grin as the girls' expressions collectively fell. He leaned forward, bending so that he was uncomfortably close to her face, his forced smile twisting into a rather angry grimace. "Harry doesn't have a cousin. I suggest the next time you talk about Harry in your little hoards, do so in your dorms late at night. But if you so much as to touch my godson…"
The girls scattered like harassed little fishes in a pond.
Sirius straightened, imperturbably tugging at the sleeves of his robes as if he had done nothing more than collect the morning post, and turned to enter the classroom.
Remus dropped his face in his hands, sighing audibly as the familiar sound of running feet echoed through the corridor. As if on cue, Sirius stepped briskly into the classroom.
"I won't even ask," Remus mumbled, shaking his head.
Sirius shot him an indignant glare as he flopped unceremoniously into a chair. "You're not helping."
"Helping?!" Remus jerked his head up so abruptly that his chair squeaked. "You don't mean as in helping you frighten those girls. That poor Ravenclaw girl was traumatized for weeks! Was charming those socks really necessary?"
"That's just a side affect!" Sirius retorted without missing a beat. "You're suppose to be helping me defend Harry's honor."
Remus blankly stared. That was such a bizarre wording of Sirius' motives that Remus was caught among the urges to laugh, to bang his head repeatedly against the table, or to fling something at his thick headed friend. He suppressed all those impulses, venting some frustration by rapping his fingers rapidly against the desk.
"Sirius…" Remus slowly began as if speaking to a small child.
"You should listen to some of the things they say about him," Sirius broke in abruptly, standing up in a flourish. He paced the room, stomping as he animatedly gestured with his hands. "Those gossiping, grappling girls! And my godson! The poor kid's six years old!"
"Sixteen," Remus grumbled, grinding his nails against the table exasperatedly. "Harry's sixteen, Sirius."
Sirius made a strangled sound that sounded uncomfortably like a snarl.
"You shouldn't discourage them at their age," Remus continued, eyeing Sirius cautiously for a emotion. He had long since understood how violently Sirius could react on the issue. "It's normal for girls their age to start naming possible…"
"Victims."
Remus sighed. "That's a rather crude way of putting it. But it's normal for Harry to start dating at his age. Rather, it's a bit unusual that Harry has absolutely no girlfriends, and never had one in his entire life."
Sirius scowled, kicking irritably at a chair. "I never said Harry couldn't get a girlfriend…" he grumbled under his breath.
"Sirius, you send death threats to any girl who even stares at him," Remus whispered, willing himself to remain composed as he glowered at his friend. "I'm not surprised that girls stay outside of the Harry's fifty-meter boundary. With the exception of Hermione (but you don't exactly consider her a menace since she's inclining towards Ron), Harry has no other friends who are girls."
"They are not death threats," Sirius muttered defensively.
Remus rolled his eyes skyward. "Sirius, Harry has to get married one day."
For a moment, Sirius looked as if he was going to contradict that statement, but thought better of it. He settled on boring holes into Remus' head with his glares alone.
"And at the rate you're going, Harry's going to die an old bachelor," Remus finished, fixing Sirius with the expression of extreme disapprovement, honed to perfection through his years of teaching.
"I know, I know!" Sirius snapped. "I'm just saying that Harry's too young to begin any sort of relationship!"
Remus dropped his face against his hands again, feeling his last shred of patience gone. "That's hypocrisy. By the time you were sixteen, you've dated half the school!"
"That's beside the point…"
"How is that any different?"
"Well, he's my godson!" Sirius responded automatically. At Remus' darkening glare, he faltered slightly. "And… we're different! Harry… he's… it's just different!"
Remus sighed.
Sirius made a blind kick at Remus' leg under the table. "Shut up."
*
Short, isn't it? *sigh* humor is so hard to write! Waaah… it's not even funny. Sirius is just weird. Harry's oblivious but wasn't even in most of it. Some of the factors were left unaddressed. *sigh*
As to why Sirius has such an aversion of the idea of Harry dating, humm... it's sort of like parents with an only child, only far worse. Plus the events from WS, Sirius is very, very defensive of Harry. Only this is sort of a parody since it brings it to the extreme.
A minific most likely 3 chapters long. It would have been a big oneshot, but I wasn't sure how to manage it. Ack! I can't write humor! It's just wrong! It comes out wrong too, I don't know what sort of reaction this story will have, and I'm not quite sure where to go with it. So throw me some comments or suggestions!
a/n story dedicated to Rainbow and Ari for inspiring me with this idea!
It's not really humor, it's a pathetic attempt at humor. *hides* this story is very, very… *sigh* never mind. It's just bad. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't promise everyone, *sigh* but after you read it, pretend you never did.
This story takes place in the 'Of Western Stars' timeline. You would read it without that fic's background, but it borrows character relationship and character personalities from the situation. Harry is somewhat different from Rowling's Harry, as are Sirius and Remus.
Good Intentions
By neutral
Chapter one - good little godsons, bad little godfathers
//
"He's so charming…"
"Charming? That's not the right way to put it. He's…"
"… incredibly sweet, understanding, kind, a bit shy, but so incredibly sweet…"
"His hair needs a some work, his glasses are…"
"Adorable. They're adorable. They make him look so sweet. And what are you taking about, his hair is perfect! It makes him look so sweet…"
"You've been saying that for the past fifteen minutes."
"Well, he is!"
A cough. "Yeah, well, he may be sweet, but his godfather definitely isn't. If you want him, you need to pass the godfather test."
A long silence.
"Wasn't that why that Ravenclaw girl…?"
"Yeah, not that they were going out in the first place, it was more of a one sided attraction…"
Snort. "What are you talking about? She was practically draping herself all over him, and…"
"… Professor Black invited both of them to dinner in his office one day, and she never approached him again."
Another long pause.
"Oh."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"But he's so sweet…"
"Quiet! He's coming!"
\\
Harry paused in the hallway, glancing over his shoulder at small group of girls, huddled behind a suit of armor as if attempting in vain to be inconspicuous. One of them caught his eye, and the entire hoard dissolved into a fit of muffled coughing that sounded suspiciously like giggles.
Harry blinked, perplexed. "Ron, is there a virus going around in the girls dormitories?"
"Virus?" Ron's voice was muffled behind a text book, as he was attempting to finish the past of his potions essay in between class. The ink from his quill had splattered over his hands, and all over the parchment.
"Disease, sort of."
Ron glanced at him as if he suddenly grew a second head. "The girls are diseased?"
"No," Harry said hastily, sneaking a glance over his shoulder at the bobbing heads. "I was just wondering, since everyone seems to be coughing."
"That's odd. Hermione's perfectly fine. I think it's just you, Harry."
Sirius hid a large yawn behind the roll of parchment, finger combing his black hair to bring as much order to it as possible as he jogged to the classroom. He woke up late again. That was the fourth time that week. But Remus was probably prepared and already hoarded him some breakfast from the great hall.
After Quirrel was revealed to be Voldemort's supporter, Lockhart flaking out and nearly brainwashing his godson, Dumbledore finally decided having Sirius blast through the doors of the Great Hall towards the end of every school year was not the best experience for either parties. He offered them the defense class at the end of Harry's second year, and they both jumped at the opportunity.
Sirius and Remus were beginning to be the longest surviving defense teachers in the history of Hogwarts. But he wasn't suited for the job. If anything, he should teach transfiguration. Defense was Remus' forte, and he had far more patience with children than he. Nevertheless, that didn't stop him from taking full advantage of the position.
Sirius slowed in his steps as he approached the classroom, but a small gathering of Hufflepuff girls caught his attention. That raised his suspicions instantly, and he strained his ears to listen.
"He looked at me!" one of the squealed.
Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"You're hopeless," another mumbled with a groan.
"I'm not! He's just so sweet."
"He thought we were diseased," the second said flatly.
"He thought we caught a cold. Isn't he so considerate?"
"Oh god, you need help…"
"You have to admit he's really…"
"… desirable?"
"Yeah. I heard he can cook and clean, not to mention his grades are not too bad, and he's…"
"The Boy Who Lived."
Sirius' ears perked up instantly at that. In four long strides, he was towering above the six-year Hufflepuffs, eyes narrowed in a poisonous glare. The group instantly fell silent, horrified.
"Well, that too," one of the girls was still ranting obliviously. "But then there's his godfather…"
Sirius cleared his throat. "What about me?"
She froze, staring stiffly ahead for almost a full minute before slowly turning around. "Oh sh…"
"… it?" Sirius finished helpfully. He folded his arms, flicking out his wand in a causal but intimidating position. "You were saying something before."
She paled. Her eyes darted to her friend's as if seeking support. "We were talking about…"
"Her cousin!" another broke in hastily. "We were talking about her cousin. He has a godfather."
"Ah, incest? Very interesting," Sirius muttered with a wry grin as the girls' expressions collectively fell. He leaned forward, bending so that he was uncomfortably close to her face, his forced smile twisting into a rather angry grimace. "Harry doesn't have a cousin. I suggest the next time you talk about Harry in your little hoards, do so in your dorms late at night. But if you so much as to touch my godson…"
The girls scattered like harassed little fishes in a pond.
Sirius straightened, imperturbably tugging at the sleeves of his robes as if he had done nothing more than collect the morning post, and turned to enter the classroom.
Remus dropped his face in his hands, sighing audibly as the familiar sound of running feet echoed through the corridor. As if on cue, Sirius stepped briskly into the classroom.
"I won't even ask," Remus mumbled, shaking his head.
Sirius shot him an indignant glare as he flopped unceremoniously into a chair. "You're not helping."
"Helping?!" Remus jerked his head up so abruptly that his chair squeaked. "You don't mean as in helping you frighten those girls. That poor Ravenclaw girl was traumatized for weeks! Was charming those socks really necessary?"
"That's just a side affect!" Sirius retorted without missing a beat. "You're suppose to be helping me defend Harry's honor."
Remus blankly stared. That was such a bizarre wording of Sirius' motives that Remus was caught among the urges to laugh, to bang his head repeatedly against the table, or to fling something at his thick headed friend. He suppressed all those impulses, venting some frustration by rapping his fingers rapidly against the desk.
"Sirius…" Remus slowly began as if speaking to a small child.
"You should listen to some of the things they say about him," Sirius broke in abruptly, standing up in a flourish. He paced the room, stomping as he animatedly gestured with his hands. "Those gossiping, grappling girls! And my godson! The poor kid's six years old!"
"Sixteen," Remus grumbled, grinding his nails against the table exasperatedly. "Harry's sixteen, Sirius."
Sirius made a strangled sound that sounded uncomfortably like a snarl.
"You shouldn't discourage them at their age," Remus continued, eyeing Sirius cautiously for a emotion. He had long since understood how violently Sirius could react on the issue. "It's normal for girls their age to start naming possible…"
"Victims."
Remus sighed. "That's a rather crude way of putting it. But it's normal for Harry to start dating at his age. Rather, it's a bit unusual that Harry has absolutely no girlfriends, and never had one in his entire life."
Sirius scowled, kicking irritably at a chair. "I never said Harry couldn't get a girlfriend…" he grumbled under his breath.
"Sirius, you send death threats to any girl who even stares at him," Remus whispered, willing himself to remain composed as he glowered at his friend. "I'm not surprised that girls stay outside of the Harry's fifty-meter boundary. With the exception of Hermione (but you don't exactly consider her a menace since she's inclining towards Ron), Harry has no other friends who are girls."
"They are not death threats," Sirius muttered defensively.
Remus rolled his eyes skyward. "Sirius, Harry has to get married one day."
For a moment, Sirius looked as if he was going to contradict that statement, but thought better of it. He settled on boring holes into Remus' head with his glares alone.
"And at the rate you're going, Harry's going to die an old bachelor," Remus finished, fixing Sirius with the expression of extreme disapprovement, honed to perfection through his years of teaching.
"I know, I know!" Sirius snapped. "I'm just saying that Harry's too young to begin any sort of relationship!"
Remus dropped his face against his hands again, feeling his last shred of patience gone. "That's hypocrisy. By the time you were sixteen, you've dated half the school!"
"That's beside the point…"
"How is that any different?"
"Well, he's my godson!" Sirius responded automatically. At Remus' darkening glare, he faltered slightly. "And… we're different! Harry… he's… it's just different!"
Remus sighed.
Sirius made a blind kick at Remus' leg under the table. "Shut up."
*
Short, isn't it? *sigh* humor is so hard to write! Waaah… it's not even funny. Sirius is just weird. Harry's oblivious but wasn't even in most of it. Some of the factors were left unaddressed. *sigh*
As to why Sirius has such an aversion of the idea of Harry dating, humm... it's sort of like parents with an only child, only far worse. Plus the events from WS, Sirius is very, very defensive of Harry. Only this is sort of a parody since it brings it to the extreme.
A minific most likely 3 chapters long. It would have been a big oneshot, but I wasn't sure how to manage it. Ack! I can't write humor! It's just wrong! It comes out wrong too, I don't know what sort of reaction this story will have, and I'm not quite sure where to go with it. So throw me some comments or suggestions!