I Will Never Be the Same

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan-fiction. I claim no ownership over the characters therein. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N: I decided to write this because I wanted to write something more from Chloe's perspective, and I wanted to do something more emotionally charged with her character. I'm used to writing more about Beca and from Beca's perspective so this was definitely a change. I hope you will enjoy, and as always, any feedback in the form of reviews and messages is greatly appreciated.

Chloe couldn't help but smile as she watched her six year old daughter Megan run around the backyard practicing cartwheels. The tiny ginger had been trying for over an hour and had finally mastered the art. When she looked to her left she could see Beca smiling too, proudly from ear to ear. It had taken some convincing but Beca had eventually agreed to start a family with Chloe. The red head recalled telling her that she'd like to have their first child before she turned thirty and despite being a few years younger Beca agreed, as long as Chloe was the one to carry them. Beca had been nervous throughout the entire pregnancy but as soon as Meg was born Chloe instantly saw a change in her. Beca's maternal instincts had kicked in immediately, and Chloe couldn't have been happier. To see the two of them bond made Chloe's heart swell, she couldn't imagine her life getting any better. Now though, six years later it was about to get even better. Beca was almost eight months pregnant with their second child; the Mitchell household had never been filled with so much excitement, or hormones.

Beca told Chloe that she was okay with all of their children being biologically Beale but Chloe insisted she would love the experience. The red head also loved the idea of having a little one that took after Beca, in looks or personality, it didn't matter, she'd love them either way. Chloe couldn't shake the thought of a little brunette looking up at her from the crib as she looked over at her wife. Their new addition would be arriving soon and she couldn't wait for all the newborn goodness; their softness, their scent and their warmth, all the things Chloe loved.

"Hey munchkin," Chloe had started talking to Beca's abdomen as she made a habit of doing, eliciting a laugh from Beca. "Can't wait to meet you sweetheart; I love you," the red head cooed, placing a soft kiss above Beca's belly button.

"I can't believe we get to meet them so soon," Beca's tone was jovial; it always was when she talked about their kids.

"Just a few more weeks and we will have a sweet, little miniature Beca. I'm so excited. Are you excited Meg?" Chloe was yelling across the yard now.

Megan stopped her gymnastics display and ran over to where Chloe and Beca were seated on the deck, smiling brightly at her moms. "Excited about what?"

"Your little brother or sister," Beca filled her in on their conversation. They had decided for the second time not to find out the sex of their baby, much preferring the delightful surprise.

Chloe could still vividly remember the doctor announcing that they had a daughter the day Meg was born. For the most part she was exhausted and delirious but those words she had heard loud and clear. She still remembered Beca's excitement at the announcement too; she had never heard Beca louder than when she yelled about having a little girl at the top of her lungs. She was sure Beca would have been excited either way, but she still loved the memory. She also loved the memories of the first time she put Megan in a little pink dress and Beca instantly melted into a puddle of goo. It made elated Chloe to see Beca so uncharacteristically giddy; Beca even bought Meg several other tiny pink outfits afterwards, claiming she couldn't resist. All of this on top of all the stuffed animals and tiny pairs of shoes Beca had purchased for their child, unable to go into the baby section of any store without finding something she found adorable. She was so unlike the badass alternative girl that Chloe had fallen in love with, but this version of Beca was even better. Chloe loved the woman who still kept in that amazingly scary ear spike, but also sung sweet lullabies and played peek-a-boo with their little girl.

"Yes," Megan cheered, "I hope it's a sister, but a brother could be fun too."

Chloe just laughed, watching as Megan smiled the same smile she saw in the morning each day. As excited as Chloe was to meet her new baby, she was even more excited to see Megan meet her new sibling. Megan had been apprehensive at first to the idea of another child coming into the family, but had grown used to the idea. Megan was easy going; all Chloe had to say was that she'd have someone to play dolls with and the little girl was on board. Chloe had loved having siblings growing up and she hoped that Megan would feel the same way, especially since, as she told Beca one night, she wasn't finished at two. Chloe wanted at least four, and while Beca was still apprehensive, she was sure she would come around. All it would take was for Beca to take one look at their newborn and she'd be more than happy to have another one.

It was two weeks later when Beca awoke in the middle of the night, sharp pain coursing through her. Chloe was a light sleeper, always had been and when Beca cried out in pain, she sat upright. Chloe immediately put an arm around her wife, rubbing comforting circles onto her back. It both hurt and worried her to see Beca in so much pain. It was possible that it was just false labour, but Chloe didn't want to take any chances.

"Babe, we should get you to the hospital, just to make sure everything is okay."

Beca just nodded.

"I'll wake Meg and call Aubrey to meet us at the hospital. Are you okay to get up?"

It was less than ten minutes later and Chloe had both Beca and their young daughter in the car. She tried to keep calm on their way to the hospital, making conversation with Beca and Megan to make sure they were both doing okay. Megan was both tired and confused; it wasn't every day that Chloe woke her up frantically at three am, but she sat quietly resting her head in Beca's lap. If Beca knew how to do anything it was keep her cool for Megan's sake, despite all the pain she was in she still managed to keep the little girl calm as they drove. It wouldn't help any of them to get the six year old all worked up or worried. She stroked her bright red hair gently, trying to keep her mind off her own pain.

Aubrey met them at the entrance when they arrived, obviously having obeyed exactly zero speed limit signs as she lived even farther from the hospital than they did. The blonde immediately lifted Megan into her arms, relief washing over all the women as the child fell back asleep on Aubrey's shoulder. Beca's pain had clearly gotten worse on the ride over and without Megan to distract her she couldn't help but cry out in anguish. She whimpered and all but broke the fingers on Chloe's right hand. Chloe attempted to distract her with kisses but that would only work for so long. As much as Beca loved the feel of Chloe's soft lips touching her own, even they couldn't block out her pain racking her body.

The next few hours were a blur. The doctor confirmed that Beca was in early labour, and that he suspected there was something wrong with the baby. There were mentions of medication to slow things down and even the possibility of a C-section. So much medical terminology was being thrown around that Chloe couldn't keep it all straight. At some point Beca had fallen unconscious and the doctor said they needed to perform an operation immediately. She didn't know what to think, she was speechless and her mind was racing. What was going on, why was Beca in so much pain, was their baby okay, the questions were endless. She knew it was more important that the doctors and nurses help Beca and their baby, but the lack of answers still frustrated her. Chloe made her way out into the waiting room, slumping into the chair next to Aubrey and her sleeping daughter. All she could do was wait; wait for the doctors to do what they did best.

"They'll be okay," Aubrey offered as she placed a supportive hand on Chloe's thigh.

"I know Bree; it's just the waiting that sucks. I just want someone to tell me that my wife is not in pain anymore, and that we have a healthy child."

The hours seemed to grow longer and longer as they continued to wait. Eventually Megan had stirred awake, climbing into her mother's waiting arms and offering a comforting smile. It didn't seem like much but it helped lift Chloe's spirits to see Megan's face, so bright and happy. Chloe pressed a kiss to the little girl's head, willing herself to stay awake as they continued to wait.

The sun had long since risen when Chloe finally saw the doctor again. She breathed a sigh of relief as he walked towards them. She stood to meet him, still holding Megan in her arms, running her fingers through the little girl's tangled ginger locks.

She didn't hear anything after the words I'm sorry left his lips. She didn't hear him say that there were severe complications and so much blood loss that there was nothing they could do to save her. She didn't hear him say that the only options were to lose both of them, or to save only their baby. She didn't even hear him when he said she had a healthy baby girl, 7 pounds 2 oz. Chloe could hear nothing, she was frozen in shock, standing, still clutching tightly to her daughter. This couldn't be happening none of this could be real; it had to be a dream. Chloe would wake up and Beca would still be lying next to her, smiling. She would wake up and Beca would be alive. There was no other option for Chloe, Beca couldn't be dead.

It wasn't a dream though Chloe was wide awake, still standing in the middle of a hospital waiting room in shock. It was a few moments before she was shaken alert, back to reality and all the horror that it entailed. Aubrey's arm was on her shoulder, holding her steady. It was then that she realized the doctor was still standing there, the sombre look in his eyes now evident, how did she not see it before as he approached her?

"Mrs. Mitchell, again, I'm very sorry for your loss. Would you like to see your daughter, I can take you to a private room and have a nurse bring her down?"

Chloe didn't respond, she could hear his words now but they felt hollow, meaningless. It didn't matter if he was sorry, that wouldn't bring Beca back to her; nothing would. Chloe stared for a moment longer and the doctor waited, giving her time to respond. Instead of answering though Chloe just turned to Aubrey and gently placed Megan into her arms before turning to run. She ran right out the hospital doors, right into the now pouring rain. Aubrey didn't follow, knowing she needed some time to herself to take everything in. She was just as shocked as the red head, but kept her composure for the sake of the small child in her arms, whom Aubrey was very glad had fallen back to sleep. The doctor just told Aubrey to have him paged when Chloe was ready, and that they would do whatever they could to accommodate her at this time.

Chloe ran until she collapsed, either from exhaustion or pain or both, she didn't know. She was slumped against the side of the building now, her legs unable to carry her any further. She let the ice cold drops fall on her face, as she sat, again waiting; this time for the will to breathe again or to feel anything but the aching in her chest. When she married Beca she felt the intense joy of never being alone again, always knowing that someone was there for her. Now though the red head was left with the infinite sorrow of having lost the person who meant the most to her; the person she loved, and cherished above all else. Till death do us part seemed so far away seven years ago when Chloe had uttered the words, but the heartbreak of their parting was now so immediate and so crushing. She couldn't feel anything but the shattered pieces of her own heart piercing her chest, stealing her breath and rendering her body immobile.

She was out there for over an hour, tears still streaming down her face when Aubrey finally came to get her. She didn't want to interrupt her grieving, but there was the matter of the children inside and the fact that Aubrey didn't want her to get pneumonia to deal with. Megan had woken up again and had grown quite worried about both Beca and Chloe. She had been asking for Chloe for the past thirty minutes and Aubrey couldn't keep saying she was just getting coffee; Megan was young but she wasn't stupid.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" she whispered, scared by the sight of her mother soaking wet, with bloodshot, tear filled eyes.

Chloe still couldn't speak, shock and heartbreak still rendering her so woefully unable to function.

"She'll be okay Meg, just wait here with her while I go get some towels okay?" Aubrey tried to reassure her.

The young girl nodded, instinctively climbing into Chloe's lap and giving her a kiss on the cheek, despite the woman's soaking state. Finally able to move Chloe wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling her in tight to her chest, kissing her on the top of the head gently.

When Aubrey returned she was accompanied by Dr. Phillips who was visibly disturbed by the sight of the broken woman before him. It never got easier to tell people their loved ones were gone, and it was never any less painful to see them in all of their grief. It was particularly hard to see what should be such a joyous occasion take such a horrific turn. Maternal death was so rare these days that he had never been on such a case before, and he hated that he was experiencing his first and what he prayed was his last one.

"We have a private room set up for you Mrs. Mitchell, you and your daughter can spend some time here and your baby can probably be released later tonight. We have a grief counsellor who is here to talk with you when you are ready. Any necessary paperwork can wait for now. I can show you to the room."

"Can I come?" Aubrey spoke up, "I think I should stay with them."

"Yes, that would be fine," Dr. Phillips confirmed.

Chloe followed as they were lead to a small room toward the back of the hospital, it was just as sterile and white as everything else in the place. Sterile and unwelcoming, but no place would feel welcoming to Chloe given the current circumstances. She immediately took a seat in the chair in the corner, her legs still unwilling to stand for any length of time.

When the doctor left them alone Aubrey turned to her friend, "Chloe, I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say, I know there is nothing I can say that will make this better."

Chloe was unresponsive.

Aubrey walked over to her, picking up Megan and wrapping the now damp child in one of the towels she had gotten earlier, handing the rest to Chloe. She wrapped Megan up tightly and laid her down on the bed in the room, urging her to go back to sleep. There were questions in the young child's eyes but nothing Aubrey could answer right now. Now she needed to focus on Chloe, but it was hard when the only words that came to her mind were sorry, I don't know what to say. How did you comfort someone who had lost their wife, their soul mate, their everything. Aubrey just sat on the arm of the chair, her arm on Chloe's shoulder, willing herself to say anything that might help and finding no words.

It was almost noon when a nurse walked in, wheeling Chloe and Beca's new daughter in with her. All Aubrey could see was the pink blanket and her breath was caught in her throat. She had no idea how Chloe would react. The nurse just nodded sadly, and told Aubrey to call for her if they needed anything. She left after receiving a cursory nod from the blonde and then it was just the three of them. Aubrey was hesitant to walk over toward the centre of the room; it didn't feel like her place to see the baby first. She tried to reach for Chloe's hand urging her to get up, but Chloe just tugged it away, curling into the chair. Soon the red head was sobbing again; awful, uncontrollable sobs and Aubrey's heart broke for her. This should be one of the happiest days of Chloe's life, the birth of her second child and instead it was the absolute worst day either of them had ever experienced.

They sat in the room, just like that, for hours, devastating silence in the air. Megan was exhausted enough to continue sleeping even through her mother's sobs. Chloe eventually became quiet once again, having drained herself of all her energy and the ability to cry. It was then though that Aubrey could hear it, the soft whimpering beginning to come from the newborn. Still no one had picked her up and she obviously craved human contact. When it became clear that Chloe wasn't going to move, Aubrey got up from the chair and made her way to the centre of the room. She picked up the small bundle and smiled as the crying stopped. She held her and just stared. She was beautiful, just like Beca and that broke her heart just a little bit more. One of her best friends was dead, and her other one was distraught and unable to function.

It was late that night when the doctor gave the okay for the baby to be discharged. Chloe spoke for long enough to acknowledge that she understood the paperwork, and to sign everything. She only half listened to the spiel the nurse was giving her, and then stood, grabbing hold of Megan's tiny hand. Aubrey offered her the small pink bundle only to be rebuffed. The hospital had given them one of the car seats they kept for emergency situations like this and some supplies; a member of the staff making sure it was probably fitted in Aubrey's car. Chloe climbed into the front seat and Aubrey made sure the infant and Megan were safe in the back. She wasn't exactly sure where she should take them, but decided that her apartment was probably best. She would figure what to do when they got there.

Chloe collapsed onto the couch immediately, still having said not one word to Aubrey. It was then that Megan spoke up again; wide awake at such a late hour after having slept so much during the day.

"Where's my mama?"

Aubrey choked on the words in her throat; she couldn't be the one to tell her. It was then that Chloe spoke up again, for the first time in hours.

"Come here baby," Chloe whispered her throat horse from crying. Megan took a seat in Chloe's lap, looking up into her eyes that were glistening with tears.

"Today, when we went to the hospital mama was in a lot of pain," she started, "she was in so much pain because she was sick, there was something going wrong in her body. The doctor's tried to fix her and make her feel better but she was too sick and they couldn't. Sometimes when people are too sick they die. Remember when we told you about dying when your goldfish died?"

The little girl nodded tears now streaming down her tiny face. "Does that mean mama is not coming back?"

"Yeah baby, I'm sorry. It means mama is gone. You know she loved you very much though okay? I want you to always remember that, mama loved you more than anything in the world."

Megan nodded again, the tears still flowing. Chloe couldn't speak anymore, but she held Megan close, laying back down on the couch and cradling her daughter. Aubrey watched from the other side of the room as she rocked the infant in her arms. She could barely stand to watch as the realization that they would forever be without Beca sunk into both of their minds. It was true what Chloe had said, Beca had loved little Meg more than anything. Aubrey knew it would break the brunette's heart to see her family in so much pain. Chloe was hurting so much that she couldn't even look at their new born child, much less hold her.

The next few days were just as painful, if not more so than the first day had been. Chloe continued to ignore her child, leaving Aubrey to pick up the slack. The task of calling Beca's parents and telling them the awful news also fell to her, as Chloe couldn't handle it. She would probably never be able to forget the pained scream from her mother as the phone crashed to the ground, or the audible tears of her father. Nothing about this situation would be easily forgotten. Aubrey did her best to take care of the newborn, as well as Megan and to give Chloe her space. For the most part the red head just lay in bed, not speaking, not eating, just lying there, crippled by her despair. Occasionally she thought to check on Megan, but that was about it. Aubrey just let her ignore life for a while, knowing that she needed it. She had never experienced such a loss, so she couldn't imagine what she would need to do to cope in Chloe's shoes.

After a week had passed though, Aubrey made her way into the spare bedroom where Chloe had taken up residence. Megan was at school and Chloe's infant daughter was asleep in Aubrey's bedroom. The blonde gently offered Chloe the piece of paper in her hand, along with the pen.

"You need to name her, and sign and date this, for the birth certificate." Aubrey's tone was forceful, but she was still whispering, not wanting to alarm her friend.

Chloe just ignored her.

"Chloe, I know you're hurting but you have to do this. It's important to get this paperwork filled out."

Aubrey could hear the sobbing before she saw the tears this time. "Chloe…"

"I don't…I can't…damnit," her voice was angry, "Beca," she screamed finally, throwing the paper back at Aubrey. The blonde picked up the sheet and pen an exited the room, checking to make sure that the child in the other room hadn't been startled awake by the sudden eruption.

Aubrey filled in the blanks and sat the paper on the counter, leaving the pen with it.

"Beca Emily Mitchell," Chloe read aloud the next morning, "why Emily?" she called to a very surprised Aubrey, who came rushing out of the bathroom.

Chloe was sitting at her kitchen table, eating a piece of toast, the pen in her hand.

"That was what Beca wanted to name her," Aubrey said, recalling a conversation she had with the brunette just a few months prior.

Without another word Chloe signed the paperwork.

"Do you want to hold her?" Aubrey asked, almost smiling, it was the first time she had seen the red head out of bed and dressed in days.

Chloe just shook her head, throwing her plate in the sink before walking back towards the spare bedroom.

Aubrey stuck her arm out quickly to block her path. She couldn't let this go on any longer. She knew Chloe was hurting, but they needed to talk.

"Chloe stop, you need to hold her."

The red head simply tried to push the offending appendage out of her way, but Aubrey was stronger than Chloe had ever given her credit for.

"I can't," she yelled in frustration, "I can't even look at her Aubrey, it kills me. This whole mess is my fault."

Aubrey led her friend over to the couch, and sat, holding her hand.

"What is Chloe?"

"Beca's death, all of this heartbreak, all of it is my fault. I pushed her to carry our second child; I told her she'd love the experience. So much for that, now she's dead because of it."

"Chloe…"

"No Aubrey, just stop. I can't look at her, I can't hold her and you know what, I resent her. I resent my own child. I just keep thinking if it weren't for her, Beca would still be alive. What's worse is that I've even wished it was her instead of Beca. I kept thinking to myself that if Beca and I had just lost the baby, we would have been able to get through it, together. We would have mourned, but we would have been able to move on. I could have got through that, I don't know how to get through a lifetime without Beca; I don't know what to do without her. Do you know what that's like Aubrey, to wish away the existence of your own child? To have all these feelings and thoughts you wish you didn't have. All of it, all of this is killing me, I can't hold her."

Aubrey was at a loss for words, everything Chloe had been feeling and bottling up for over a week had just come spilling out. She expected to hear that Chloe was hurting; she even expected to hear that Chloe was angry, but that, she never could have expected it.

It was minutes that felt like hours before Aubrey actually responded; she needed it to come out just right.

"Chloe you have always been the strong one, you've always been there for everyone, all your friends, all your family, and anyone who has ever needed you, no matter what. Now you have the most important person ever in your life to be strong for. I know you think you can't do it, you think it will be too much to handle but you can. It's going to hurt Chloe, it's going to hurt for a long while yet, I can't promise you it won't. She needs you though, your daughter, Emily, she needs you, both of your girls do."

Chloe dragged her hands down her face, nails raking across her cheeks. "I lost all of my strength that day, I can't."

Aubrey watched as Chloe walked back into the spare room, curling up on the bed once again.

It was a mostly dreamless sleep that Chloe fell into, which was good considering most of her dreams lately, had been nightmares about her loss. Still though, she had one dream which was actually just a memory, coming back to her as she slumbered. Beca's face is smiling at her; it's the biggest smile she's ever seen on her wife's face. Chloe is laying down, in a bed, a hospital bed. It's a few years ago, she can tell because Beca doesn't yet have the tattoo on her shoulder, the one that reads Megan Erica. It's the day she gave birth actually, she can tell by all the cards on the table, all well wishes for the new family. This is the first time Beca has held Megan; she's smiling the smile that Chloe could never forget. Beca bonding with their first child for the first time was the most special memory Chloe had, and one she needed more than anything right now.

The next morning Aubrey let out an audible gasp when she noticed the empty bassinet. She could tell it was still very early by the lack of natural light, and she knew that Megan was a light sleeper. She tip toed gently across the hall to the spare room, careful not to wake her up. The door was already opened a crack, and Aubrey peeked in. There sat Chloe, upright on the bed, cradling her newborn for the first time. Aubrey smiled at the sight; the look on Chloe's face was beyond anything Aubrey expected from her best friend a few days ago. Aubrey watched for a few more moments before she heard Chloe begin to speak, softly and sweetly to the child.

"Baby girl, I'm sorry I couldn't be with you sooner. I wanted to be able to be there for you, but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to deal with all the hurt and anger and remember that I love you. I love you; you know that right, so much more than anything in the world. You're so special to me because you will always be a part of Beca, and you'll be a constant reminder of how much she loved me, and your big sister Meg. She loved you too, so much. We'll get through this okay, this rough patch, just the three of us. Our family will be okay, because we've got so much love."

The blonde continued watching as Chloe placed a kiss gently on her daughter's head before she opened the door wider to let herself in.

"You were right…" Chloe started, but Aubrey just shook her head. They didn't need to talk about that. All that mattered was that Emily was taken care of, and that Chloe was working through her grief. It would be hard, it would hurt, and she'd probably still be angry but like she said, they would get through it together. Having little Emily to serve as a constant reminder of Beca's undying love for Chloe would help. Whenever she was missing her, she could look into her eyes, Beca's eyes and know everything would be alright. Chloe would never be the same without Beca, but she'd never be alone either. She had Aubrey and her two girls, and really, all that love would be all she'd ever need.