Chapter 5: Never Let Me Go
He still didn't know what the hell was going on with his life. Half of his time was spent contemplating when the exact moment was that everything had gone to hell in a hand basket. He could never figure it out. But it was probably his fault. Somehow it was always his fault. He messed everything up with April and now she was probably going to marry that nerdy fucking paramedic.
The love of his life just out of his fucking reach...forever. Stupid fucking nerdy paramedic and his stupid proposal and his stupid face and their stupid happily ever after.
Somehow his life never managed to turn out right. He was the majority shareholder of an innovative, research-oriented hospital, he was finally stepping up-as a surgeon and as an administrator- but it wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't the way he wanted it: handed to him on a silver platter by his mother. Nothing was happening the way he wanted it. Nothing ever happened the way he wanted it to happen.
If it did, April would've been pregnant with a baby he had never knew he wanted until there wasn't one, and they would've been married by now. She would've been in her third trimester probably. She would've been beautiful, carrying his baby. And he couldn't get the image out of his head: April pregnant with his baby.
But it was tainted by the image of April in a wedding dress marrying the wrong damn man. Fucking nerdy paramedic.
And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.
Sure, he could fight for her, but wasn't that what he has been doing? Wasn't that what breaking up with Stephanie and the kiss was about?
No.
He knew that. He was half-assing it, of course. It was to be expected. He seemed to half-ass everything that ended up being important in his life. But could he really do this? Could he really put his hat in the ring and fight for her?
Yes.
She was April. Somehow she had become the most important thing in his life, and he knew that she loved him, too. He felt it. She didn't love the fucking nerdy paramedic. She loved him. She should be marrying him and be the mother of his children. She had wanted to wait for the man she married. Well, goddamn it, she had. She was going to marry him. Problem solved. No more Matthew. No more Stephanie. No more bullshit.
All pumped up, he bombarded down the side walk toward Sound Check, hands in his pockets, brows furrowed at the adrenaline coursing through his veins, blue-green eyes pulsing from the overwhelming emotions raging through him.
He wouldn't lose her this time. He couldn't lose her this time. The panic and determination licked desperately at the back of his throat. Jackson felt like he was fighting for his life. Probably because he was. He was fighting for the life he wanted with the woman he loved. There would never be another. Not like he loved April. Don't ask him how he knew. He just did.
He swung open the door like a cocky gunslinger in a bad made-for-TV western, face stony, eyes gleaming, half looking for a fight, half wanting to turn and run.
But he stifled the cowardly instinct to give up and let the cards fall where they may. He was done with letting fate decide his path in life. He was done letting the things that truly mattered slip through his grasp without clinging wholeheartedly. He was done allowing the fear of failure keep him from having the courage to say what was in his heart.
He was done saying good-bye to the life he and April could have if they could just get their shit together.
"Yo, Avery!" Alex Karev belligerently hollered in his usual manner from their usual table across the room. Jackson could see Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Owen, and Arizona were also with him. He supposed that meant April and Callie were getting ready to sing. He hated he didn't arrive sooner. He needed to see her. He needed to talk to her now. He was done waiting for the life they were supposed to have.
"Where is she?" Jackson demanded, mouth set in what Alex assumed was half determination and half resignation. Alex just didn't know what the hell was going on through the plastic surgeon's brain this time. Hell, he didn't know what was going on in Jackson's brain pretty much ever. He just figured that was the way Avery liked it, and he figured that was why he could never work his shit out with Kepner because God knows she couldn't figure out her own shit, much less couple shit.
"She and Callie went to the bathroom to freshen up." Meredith answered for him, brows crinkling as she looked at Jackson. He moved in the direction of the long hallway where the bathrooms were but she called out to him before he could go. "Wait, Jackson!"
"Yeah?" He asked his mind already back there with April, paying half-attention to the people at the table.
"Don't do it. Don't do it if you are not sure. She's…" Meredith broke off, grimacing, trying to find the word. Luckily, Arizona picked up where she left off.
"She's fragile. Her heart is so fragile. If you do this and you aren't sure, you'll break her."
"I'm not going to break her. I promise." He took off with after the quick statement and Cristina's eyes widened.
"Do you think this means they are going to have dirty bathroom sex?"
"Cristina!" Meredith, Owen, and Bailey exclaimed. She just rolled her eyes in response.
Jackson pushed past the other patrons and bounded through the doorway of the women's bathroom, totally ignoring the sign that said Dolls and the harrumph from women waiting in an obvious line.
"Dr. Avery!"
"Jackson!"
He looked at Callie and April and their wide-eyed gazes and froze. His chest rose and fell with an obvious anxiety settling over him. His mouth opened and closed and nothing came out. Callie obviously figured it out before April though because a small smile settled over her exotic features, her dark eyes warming as she silently left the room.
April's eye brows crinkled.
"What are you doing, Jackson?"
"I—I need you not to marry him."
"I already told him that I couldn't. I don't understand."
"I am the one. I know I messed everything up after we thought you were pregnant, but …you hurt me and I love you and I wanted that life, that baby, with you, okay?" He waited a moment for her reaction, but she didn't have one. She just looked blank.
She felt raw like every emotion she had ever felt had been poked and rubbed and agitated until it was so sensitive that she couldn't feel anything. He had rubbed her raw after months and months of agonizing emotional turmoil. She didn't know anything anymore. Except…
"April?"
"I…I…I…They are waiting for me." She walked past him and opened the door.
"April, don't walk out. We have to…"
She cut him off, still looking shell-shocked and empty. "I have to go. I have to change the song."
She left him standing there with hopelessness running through him. He really thought that everything would be okay if he just told her how he felt. He really thought that they would be okay if he just told her how he felt.
He wandered back out of the bathroom, not even hearing the women bitching at him for going in their bathroom, not hearing or seeing anything as he walked back out to the table.
"Oh, God, she said no." Meredith said, surprised.
"No, she didn't. She didn't say anything." Jackson sat down, almost in a daze. "Maybe she doesn't want me. Maybe she doesn't love me."
"She does. I can tell. I promise." Arizona told him as the light dimmed around them and Callie and April took the stage. April took the microphone and nervously spoke into it.
"This is…This is for someone. You know who you are."
"Oh, God, she is letting me down easy in song." Jackson laid his forehead down on the table.
The chords began to play and slowly he lifted his head, wide-eyed and wondrous.
Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under
And it's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me
Though the pressure's hard to take
It's the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me
And it's over
And I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Deliver me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Deliver me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Deliver me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
And it's over
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
And I'm going under
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
But I'm not giving up
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
I'm just giving in
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
I'm slipping underneath
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
So cold and so sweet
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
Never Let Me Go – Florence & the Machine
She bounded off the stage and into his arms, tears pouring out of moist brown eyes. Jackson was feeling a little misty himself.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," April smiled and then she kissed him. "Me and you."
Author's Note: So so so sorry for taking absolutely forever but I lost all Japril feels, but hopefully with the completion of this fic, I will be able to write more and more. Thanks for taking the time to read and please review.