Title: Amaryllis
Author: Anae
Beta: None. Anyone willing out there?
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: overall M/NC-17
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.

A/N: I'm going through manga 'til the end of Shusei's and Hotsuma's arch - with my personal touch, with scenes that were in the manga and a lot that are product of my imagination. I'm going to put up a new chapter each week, since this was my NaNoWriMo (hence I only need to go trough it again and make it better). Hope you enjoy.

Ps. Reviews are love, and needed, since this has been and will be a long, long process.

Pss. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."

Chapter 1 – Better version

I am not perfect and I don't claim to be

And if that's what you wanted

Well then I'm so sorry

How about a better version of the way that I am?

A young child was standing outside the living room door – just mere moments ago, he had thought about going in to tell his parents how he was finished with homework, hoping that maybe they could check if the answers were correct. In other words, hoping to spend some time with his family.

Upon hearing his parents' conversation – more of an argument – he halted his steps, comfortable by just looking at them from the distance – a doorway in this case.

"You were the one who said you wanted a kid in the first place!" his mother angrily snapped, eyes burning as she looked at her husband. "That's why I gave birth to it."

If Shusei had ever thought his parents loved him – or even had an interest in him – those fragile hopes were crushed right there. The pure loathing on his mother's voice was impossible to miss. She was uncaring enough to think of her child as nothing more than an object – she barely thought of him as a human being.

In a way, she wasn't all that far from the truth.

Sad, golden eyes watched from the doorway as the man stood up to the woman. "Don't call him that! You're his mother, you know."

Silently, the boy turned his back to the two arguing adults as her mother claimed how his father was no better than her. That was the truth, since the man had long ago stopped caring about anything else but his work and lover. Even if the two of them had a child – one they had wanted once upon time, back in time when they were young and in love – they didn't have any love to give to their son.

Somewhere deep inside Shusei realized that it wasn't his fault – he had grown up the way his parents had brought him up. For the longest time, it had meant trying to get their attention by being a good, obedient child who caused no worries to his parents. It had meant studying; doing everything in order to be a perfect child his parents seemed to want.

But apparently, in the end, it didn't matter. His parents didn't want him to exist in the first place – it was something no child could change, no matter how hard they wished or tried.

Shusei was on his way to upstairs, to his room, to do something, anything that would bring his thoughts away from his own unwanted existence, but was stopped by a rather silent noise.

There was a quiet knock on the door.

Without a second thought, Shusei walked to the front door and pulled it open. Outside stood a child – one year younger than Shusei himself – looking thoroughly battered. The pouring rain had wetted him completely – blond hair hang onto his face, his jacket was glued onto his skin. But even with bangs hiding his eyes and water dripping down on his face, it was clear that the child was crying.

"Hotsuma –" Shusei called out, eyes wide and open, shocked. It wasn't uncommon for Hotsuma to appear on his doorstep, but the other boy was happy by nature – Shusei couldn't think of anything that would shock him so much. "What happened…" he started, about to reach out to his friend, but Hotsuma beat him to it by lowering his head to Shusei's shoulder. It landed with a low 'thud' as slender arms cradled him into an embrace.

For a while, Hotsuma only called out his friend's name as Shusei held him. Tears poured down, moistening Shusei's shoulder. "I exist, don't I?"

That was a question a child under the age of ten shouldn't be asking – despite his own age, Shusei understood that. The tears and the pained look on Hotsuma's face were bothering Shusei to an extent he couldn't explain – it was like he was the one hurting.

Instead of forcing Hotsuma to look him in the eye and asking what was wrong, Shusei pulled his friend close. He was beyond caring about getting wet – it was inevitable, Hotsuma had been in the pouring rain for hours, at least. "What's wrong?" he whispered, somehow having a feeling that this was a point of no return. "Did something happen?"

Hotsuma hic-cupped, squeezing his eyes shut. "It just…" He didn't know how to explain. More than that, he was terrified that Shusei would run away from him, just like his little brother had. "…suddenly spread out of nowhere." He hadn't meant any harm, it had just happened. "I…"Hotsuma had to swallow in order to continue – tears were making him unable to see, blinding his vision, a lump had just appeared in his throat, making it hard to speak, hard to even breath. "I… set someone on fire…"

It probably would've been natural to claim it as a lie, to tell that something like that was impossible – even a child knew that. Shusei did none of that. His slim fingers just gripped Hotsuma harder, feeling his pain on his own heart, feeling like it was him who was suffering.

They stayed there for a long time, as long as it took for Hotsuma's ragged breathing to slow down, for his tears to stop blinding him. When there were just a few hiccups every now and then, Shusei dared to let go, to slip his hands into Hotsuma's sweating palms. The kneeled down a bit, trying to catch his friend's eyes.

"Hotsuma?"

Tear-filled golden eyes finally reached other pair of the same colour, sharing the same anxiety. Without any further question or explanations, Shusei let go of other of the hands he was holding, starting to back towards the open door, towards the warm house, eyes never leaving Hotsuma's.

Shusei's grip on Hotsuma's hand was firm, but he could've pulled himself away if he had wanted to. Hotsuma let himself be guided inside, up the wooden stairs, all the way to Shusei's room. Neither of the two children paid attention to older boy's parents, who had stopped arguing and settled down to watch soap opera from TV and working instead – neither of them paid any attention to the children either. No-one of the family realized that at that time, they fell into a common understanding – the parents didn't care what Shusei did as long as the boy didn't give them trouble, and in comparison, Shusei didn't need to ask them for permission or anything in general.

When the two children reached the door, Shusei pushed it open, pulling Hotsuma in after him, closing the door after that. There was no need to lock it – he had keys, but it was clear that there was no one in this house who was interested in his doings. He only let go of Hotsuma's hand to push the wet jacket down from other boy's shoulders.

The wet jacket landed on the floor with a low thud, but neither of the two boys paid any attention to it. Hotsuma let go of his friend's hand, numbly walking to the bed. The shoes he kicked off as he went, and then flopped himself on the bed, sitting on it, pulling his knees to his chest, hands coming to circle them.

Shusei was still standing on the door, pained eyes following his friend as he moved. "Hotsuma, we have to get your wet clothes changed. Otherwise you catch a cold."

"I don't care."

"But…"

"I don't care, Shusei!" Hotsuma snapped, raising his head, fiery eyes glaring Shusei.

His anger quieted down at the exact moment he looked at Shusei. The other boy was staring at him, his golden eyes big and pained – as if he was the one hurting instead. Hotsuma couldn't understand that – he had just told Shusei that he had set someone on fire. Shouldn't Shusei act like the rest and leave him?

Shusei closed the distance between them, flopping himself to the bed as it let out a low creak, his hands coming to rest upon Hotsuma's. "Please. I don't want you to get sick."

Hotsuma fiercely shook his head, closing his eyes – it was a mistake, he could see the kid going up in flames again. Yellow, red, white – the colours danced behind his eyes as he saw how the bully was engulfed by those flames, burning to ashes.

Tears came back, and he flung himself on Shusei, making them both fall down onto bed. Hotsuma's fingers gripped on Shusei's shirt as he buried his head on his chest. "Shusei", he choked out, not understanding what he wanted, what he wished for – he didn't even understand what had happened.

Shusei didn't either, but what he understood was that Hotsuma was here, hurting, in pain, and that he needed him. So he circled his arms around the other boy as the tears fell down on his damp clothes, on his pale skin. He said nothing, just held Hotsuma, biting back tears of his own. Hotsuma's pain was fresh, raw and it felt like someone was clawing his heart as well. How that was possible, Shusei didn't understand, but neither did he care at the moment.

All that Shusei cared about was a crying boy on his arms – the fact that his parents almost hated him, it didn't matter at all. Truth to be told, Shusei didn't want to care about them either – if he did, he would just end up getting hurt all over again.

A couple of runaway tears run down on his cheeks as he tightened his hold of the crying boy on his arms – Shusei's family and Hotsuma's brother may just had turned their backs on them, but for the very least, they had each other.

It was a comfort beyond imagination.