Title: Please Be Intimate

Disclaimer: I just like playing with the characters, so no, I don't own The Mentalist.

Rating: T

Summary: "And this is exactly why we have the, 'we don't talk about personal things in this unit' policy." Team!fic, set somewhere during season 4.

I blame Frogster for this entire fic, as her prompt just wouldn't leave me alone! It's pointless crack!fic, but it's something I truly enjoyed writing.

"I'm starting to believe that murderers never take vacations." Jane commented idly to the entire team, over a warm slice of closed-case pizza. Lisbon glanced at him with her slice halfway to her mouth.

"Murderers don't get pensions." Cho replied from behind his desk, while Jane grinned in amusement.

"You've been with us for how long; and you're only figuring this piece of information out now?" Lisbon asked him, raising her eyebrow.

"Now, Lisbon." Jane said, still grinning. "I've always known that murderers don't take vacations; something about crimes of passion that can't wait for anyone." He chuckled at his own bad joke.

"Without murderers though," Rigsby replied, "we'd all be unemployed." Everyone, aside from Jane, nodded in agreement.

"He said murderers, not…" The sound of five cell phones going off, simultaneously, abruptly ended their conversation as each member of the Serious Crimes Unit went for their phone.

Jane fished his out of his suit pocket and opened the message from Luther Wainwright.

"Hey team. Just a reminder: the meeting starts at 10 am tomorrow. Please be intimate."

Staring at the message, Jane heard someone sputter.

"He wants us to be what?" Rigsby exclaimed. Jane glanced up from his phone to eye the entire team, who all seemed to be in various stages of disbelief. Although, Jane thought, it's hard to tell with Cho. "This has to be a form of sexual harassment, right boss?"

Jane stared at Lisbon, who seemed to be trying to distance herself from her phone. "It has to be a mistake. Wainwright wouldn't…"

"He's a child, Lisbon." Jane happily pointed out, as Lisbon fixed him with a stern glare. Of course, they all knew that Wainwright was a twelve-year-old boy already. "And children have sexual fantasies too."

Everyone blanched and Jane chuckled, quite amused with himself.

"I think I've lost my appetite." Grace said, tossing her half-eaten piece of pizza onto her plastic plate.

"Jane." Lisbon warned, shaking her head. "Stop it."

"Stop what?" Jane innocently asked her and she continued to glare, as he crossed offered them all a shrug. "I'm only informing the general consensus that Luther Wainwright does indeed have sexual fantasies, as it's a part of the human experience."

"And this is exactly why we have the, 'we don't talk about personal things in this unit' policy." Lisbon replied, also tossing her half-eaten slice of pizza onto her plate. Jane kept grinning. "I'd rather not think of my boss as a…"

"Sexual deviant?" Jane supplied. Lisbon eyed him, pursing her lips. "Barer of sexual thoughts and or desires?"

"…anything other than my boss." Lisbon finished and Jane waved her off.

"It's possible for co-workers to blur the lines, Lisbon. Take Rigsby and Grace, for example." Jane swept his hand toward both Grace and Rigsby, who grimaced at him. "They were only supposed to see each other as co-workers and friends, not lovers, but that quickly changed." He glanced at them all, before he refocused his attention back on Lisbon. "Besides that, the skill of mind reading is not exactly rudimentary. You can't always take one look at someone and know that they've had a sexual fantasy about you. Unless, of course," he paused to glance at all of them, "you're me."

Everyone stared at him.

"Jane, you're ridiculous." Grace told him.

"Yeah," Rigsby agreed, nodding. "Wainwright doesn't think that way about us; he probably made an error in his text message." The team all nodded in agreement.

"How many words do you know that could be corrected into intimate, however?" Jane asked them all.

Cho eyed him. "Plenty. Iceberg, interior, inferior, island, idiot…"

"Because, 'please be iceberg' makes logical sense." Jane waved Cho's words away, as well. "Clearly, Wainwright thinks about us all." He watched Rigsby, who moved the piece of pizza toward his mouth with the intentions of eating it. "Sexually." Rigsby grimaced and glared, before throwing his piece of pizza down also.

"Thank you for effectively ruining our appetites, Jane."

"Speak for yourself, Rigsby." Cho said, taking a bite of his own pizza.

"Now, you truly are being ridiculous." Lisbon answered with a scoff. "Wainwright doesn't…"

"And how do you know?" Lisbon stared at him, her mouth open slightly. "Exactly, Lisbon. You don't. Our dear child-like boss could be harboring sexual fantasies about all of us and you'd never know." She continued to glare. "For all you know; he could be sitting in his office right now, spying on us."

He saw Grace indiscreetly glance around the room.

"He's just making you paranoid, Van Pelt." Cho said.

"Or am I?" Jane asked in return, leaning back on his couch.

Three pairs of eyes found his. "You are."

Jane shook his head. "We would be unreasonable not to consider it, really. Wainwright visits more than any other boss and he calls more meetings too."

"A. He doesn't trust you, which doesn't exactly surprise me. Wainwright trusts you about as far as he can throw you, and that's not very far." Lisbon explained, shaking her head again. "B. It's his job to hold meetings, which you would know if you actually attended one of them."

"I find workplace politics to be quite trivial, thank you very much." Jane answered, before he playfully frowned. "You mean he wants to throw me with his little boy hands? Can he even lift over fifteen pounds?" Nobody replied and Jane swiftly returned the conversation back to Wainwright's text. "Between the five of us, he has all of his sexual fantasies covered."

Van Pelt glanced at Rigsby, who glanced at Cho, who glanced at Lisbon, who glanced back at Jane.

Jane hummed in triumph, before all of their cell phones went off again.

He glanced down at his phone to find yet another text from Wainwright.

"That was supposed to say 'please be on time.' My phone has a mind of its own."

"We told you, Jane." Van Pelt responded, after a moment of awkward silence. "Agent Wainwright made a mistake."

"It seems he did." Jane agreed, still smiling.

Lisbon eyed him, suspiciously. "What?"

"Oh, it's nothing." Jane said, uncrossing his arms. "I just want to wish you all the best of luck at your meeting with Luther tomorrow." Everyone eyed him in confusion. "I won't be sitting through the entire meeting wondering if he does have sexual fantasies about me or my co-workers, as I'll be taking the day off. I think I'm coming down with a horrible cold." Jane fake sneezed, before he moved off the couch and started toward the kitchenette with a skip in his step.