It never goes away

The pain or the smiles

The tears or the laughter

Every memory brings back the hurt as well as the happy

You'll miss him

And you know you'll never stop

After everything you had, how could you

You want to lock yourself away, deep inside and cry

But you can't

So you stop

Stop feeling, or smiling, or laughing

Just to stop it

People say, "Don't worry. Pain fades with time"

Do they know? Has this happened to them, or is it just talk?

But you know

You know the truth of pain and misery

It never goes away

It's always there hanging in the dark recesses of your mind.

Always. Always. Always.

They say, "Don't think about it. You'll forget the pain soon enough."

But you don't want to

Even if it will help

You need the memories

As soon as their gone, that's it

He's gone

And you couldn't bear that

They say, "Suicide is selfish" and "How could they do that to us"

You wonder if they even cared in the first place

You wonder if they're the selfish ones

Do they still think of him?

Did they consider his pain?

But those questions only hurt more in the end

All the wondering about why and all those that question him

"Ignorance is bliss"

It's not

You want to know so badly

How, why, if

But those are only going to burn as you swallow back the words

Instead of asking

How, why, if

Focus on the fact that this is what he wanted

Whether it's right or wrong (the warring moral question)

It doesn't matter

Because now,

Now he's safe

Wherever he is

Know that he's not going to hurt again

You feel like your world has stopped spinning

But it hasn't

It's still turning for you

Like he would have wanted

So don't focus on the hurt

Or the tears

Or the how's, why's and if's

Focus on the smiles and the laughter and the happy

And remember

~X~

For Chris,

I'll miss you more than you can ever imagine. I hope that wherever you are that you're happy and looking forward to tomorrow. You know I'm not religious, but it's times like these that I wish for someone to be there looking out for you. I love you

~Your E

~X~

Jeez, I haven't posted anything in forever. I'm really sorry about that. I'm still sick and have only been out of the hospital for about a week.

Anyway, you're probably wondering who Chris is and no, he is not a fanfiction character, tv character or book character. He's a real person.

Well, was.

He killed himself Thursday night. Hung himself actually. That was my inspiration for this, partially at least. The other part was people were going around calling him stupid and selfish for what he did. I, having known Chris, got pissed as fuck because of this. These were people who had never met him, had never spent days with him just talking about whatever comes to mind. They didn't know some of his darkest secrets, his painful memories, his happiest moments, or his greatest loves.

He made a choice based on himself, but does that make him selfish? I don't think so. My only opinion on committing suicide is that at least he did what he wanted. He's finally happy wherever he is.

I can't hate him for that. In fact it's just the opposite.

I'll never forget laughing with you, talking with you, dancing with you or marching in marching band (with you watching the halftime shows), or you running in your cross country meets (with me watching the finish line looking for you).

I love you, Chris. I always have and will never stop.

Love,

Beaten and Bruised (aka E)