It never goes away
The pain or the smiles
The tears or the laughter
Every memory brings back the hurt as well as the happy
You'll miss him
And you know you'll never stop
After everything you had, how could you
You want to lock yourself away, deep inside and cry
But you can't
So you stop
Stop feeling, or smiling, or laughing
Just to stop it
People say, "Don't worry. Pain fades with time"
Do they know? Has this happened to them, or is it just talk?
But you know
You know the truth of pain and misery
It never goes away
It's always there hanging in the dark recesses of your mind.
Always. Always. Always.
They say, "Don't think about it. You'll forget the pain soon enough."
But you don't want to
Even if it will help
You need the memories
As soon as their gone, that's it
He's gone
And you couldn't bear that
They say, "Suicide is selfish" and "How could they do that to us"
You wonder if they even cared in the first place
You wonder if they're the selfish ones
Do they still think of him?
Did they consider his pain?
But those questions only hurt more in the end
All the wondering about why and all those that question him
"Ignorance is bliss"
It's not
You want to know so badly
How, why, if
But those are only going to burn as you swallow back the words
Instead of asking
How, why, if
Focus on the fact that this is what he wanted
Whether it's right or wrong (the warring moral question)
It doesn't matter
Because now,
Now he's safe
Wherever he is
Know that he's not going to hurt again
You feel like your world has stopped spinning
But it hasn't
It's still turning for you
Like he would have wanted
So don't focus on the hurt
Or the tears
Or the how's, why's and if's
Focus on the smiles and the laughter and the happy
And remember
~X~
For Chris,
I'll miss you more than you can ever imagine. I hope that wherever you are that you're happy and looking forward to tomorrow. You know I'm not religious, but it's times like these that I wish for someone to be there looking out for you. I love you
~Your E
~X~
Jeez, I haven't posted anything in forever. I'm really sorry about that. I'm still sick and have only been out of the hospital for about a week.
Anyway, you're probably wondering who Chris is and no, he is not a fanfiction character, tv character or book character. He's a real person.
Well, was.
He killed himself Thursday night. Hung himself actually. That was my inspiration for this, partially at least. The other part was people were going around calling him stupid and selfish for what he did. I, having known Chris, got pissed as fuck because of this. These were people who had never met him, had never spent days with him just talking about whatever comes to mind. They didn't know some of his darkest secrets, his painful memories, his happiest moments, or his greatest loves.
He made a choice based on himself, but does that make him selfish? I don't think so. My only opinion on committing suicide is that at least he did what he wanted. He's finally happy wherever he is.
I can't hate him for that. In fact it's just the opposite.
I'll never forget laughing with you, talking with you, dancing with you or marching in marching band (with you watching the halftime shows), or you running in your cross country meets (with me watching the finish line looking for you).
I love you, Chris. I always have and will never stop.
Love,
Beaten and Bruised (aka E)