I forgot to mention is last chapter, but that's the reason I asked if you cared about Donnie before. So did you care when he was devastated? Was it only because he's Donnie or because of Apritello? Because that's bad. If he wasn't Donnie, would you have thought he deserved it? This is important. So please tell me at the end.

In a way I feel there could have been a transition chapter, but at the same time I wanted to end it on a sort of surreal note. Read on to see what I mean and decide if you agree.

Everyone is in shock for the first day or so. No one tells Splinter what happened, but no one has to. He knows by the blood on Donnie hands and the vacant, haunted look in his eyes. As the days slip by he doesn't seem to get any better either. Each brother makes an effort to ease him out of his slump, but to no avail. Not even Splinter can help. The weight of Miwa's simultaneous passing drags him below the surface as well.

Leo is torn most of all. He wants to make sure Karai doesn't do anything irreparable in reaction to April's sudden absence, but he doesn't want his father to be so burdened about Miwa, and then Donnie needs his help most of all. He is so confused and lost and just wants someone to give him the answer to the world right now. And through it all he forgets the most important part – taking care of himself.

Mikey tries to stand as the last shred of happiness they have, but even he knows it's no use. He spends a lot of time watching the others, monitoring just how sad they are and judging whether or not now is a good time to talk with them. He supposes it never will be. After something like this, there never is a good time for anything anymore. You just have to go for it.

Raph is perhaps most numb of all. While Donnie's emotions crash down on him after a week, Raph can barely do anything but walk around like a zombie. He goes through the day on autopilot. Everyone notices, but they don't do much. Raph may be hurting, but when it comes down to the most likely to act on it Donnie is the one at risk. Only Mikey can overlook Donnie long enough to keep Raph company and pull him through the haze.

It is during the second week that Donnie finds it in him to leave. More so he finds he is missing the only part of him that would keep him there – safe. He ventures out of the lair in the dead of night when everyone else is fast asleep or at the very least cooped up in their rooms. They don't patrol anymore. They move around within the lair during the day and sleep at night – just like humans. So Donnie knows he is safe.

His feet patter softly against the concrete of the sewers. He doesn't really know where he's going, he just lets his legs carry him there. It's dark, almost blindingly so. He can just make out certain landmarks and then, he rationalizes, probably only because he knows they should be there not because he sees them.

His footsteps shift from pitter patters to splashes. It rained terribly all week. The runoff water from the surface was more than he remembers ever witnessing before and continues to be so. The water level has subsided only slightly and the strength of the current is tremendous. Not that a turtle of his age could be hindered too terribly by such a thing. Swimming is their specialty.

The rush of the current grows louder in his ears the farther he walks. He follows it, all the way to a drop off. It's high and runs into a large pipe at the end. Donnie slowly tilts his head to the side, staring with empty yet curious eyes. It's probably very cold. It is winter now after all.

The longer he stares the more intense his gaze becomes. His clouded brown eyes darken as a disturbing thought slithers into his mind. Yet he doesn't react at all to the horror. He realizes with chilling certainty that it is why he came here in the first place.

His fingers tingle with a sense of longing. The water is probably cold – but at least he'll feel something besides the pain. Just watching it he can feel the brutal yet satisfying sting of the furious water. He calls to him, beckons him closer.

He shuffles right up to the edge. His toes extend past the concrete ever so slightly and the frothing water rushes over them. Such little exposure, however, isn't enough to even dent his feelings. No, it must be more. He slides one foot a little farther out.

"It won't do any good you know." The voice is so soft that for a moment Donnie isn't sure if it's real or a part of him trying to talk him out of this. Still, he brings his foot back. "I've already tried."

Donnie sighs softly. No, definitely not his conscience. "I wasn't gonna jump." He murmurs. He never takes his eyes off the deadly water. Still he knows as a flash of black appears in his peripheral vision that it can only be Karai.

Karai stops next to him. She pretends he isn't there as much as he pretends she isn't. "Sure you weren't." She trains her eyes on the water. She used it once long ago in an attempt to escape her life. She still feels the chilling whip of the water just as powerfully now as the day it happened.

Donnie contemplates the silence and breathes in the stillness. "I'm not stupid." He decides that no silence is good enough, no stillness perfect enough, if he is not feeling the water.

Karai shrugs. "I never said you were." She carefully lowers herself and sits down. A trill of fear and anticipation shoots through her as she eyes the water hungrily. She gingerly lifts a leg and submerges a foot.

Donnie notices the disruption in the flow and he snaps his head around. He looks from her foot, barraged by the water, up her body until his eyes rest on her face. "What are you doing?"

Karai drags her gaze up to meet his. "Reliving memories." She doesn't miss the fact that while he is looking in her direction, he seems to be looking through her rather than at her.

Donnie looks back at the water. "You're going to get dragged under." Her foot is further forward and part of her leg is beneath the surface.

"So." She smiles eerily. "Maybe that's for the best."

Donnie makes a face at her. A chill races up his spine – the first feeling unprompted by the water. "You're insane." He tries to see only the water, but can't forget her limb gradually going under.

"Humph." Karai draws her leg back. "Am I?" She tilts her head and her eyebrows furrow far down on her head as she stares with intensity at him.

Donnie scowls lightly back at her. "You're talking about killing yourself. After everything." He shakes his head. "Of course you are."

"Really?" Karai pulls her gaze away. She smiles to herself, almost sadly so. "Or am I just desperate? Am I so alone and trapped and hopeless that this is all that is left?"

"Don't be stupid." Donnie gives her a hard look. "You have Leo…Raph…Splinter…Mikey…you have more people than most. Those aren't reasons at all."

Karai frowns deeply. Her eyes darken as she focuses them back on him. "Then why are you here?" She challenges. "Huh?"

Donnie freezes. He stares blankly ahead. Only after a long moment does he snap out of it. He snorts softly and rolls his eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about." He looks anywhere but at her.

Karai grumbles beneath her breath. Then, in an even tone, she says, "That's doesn't answer my question. I asked why you're here."

Donnie licks his lips. He starts to answer genuinely, but another thought strikes him. "Better question – why are you here?"

"I told you." She dips her foot back into the water. "Reliving memories."

Donnie shakes his head. "Liar."

Karai feels a pulse of anger, but it quickly dies. It's too hard to feel angry. "You think I can't hurt? That I'm not struggling right now? Only you can want to die?"

Donnie grimaces. "That's not it though." He mutters. "You're like Raphael. Maybe you're life doesn't mean anything to you, but because it does to others, you won't do it."

Karai smiles weakly. "Fine. I was following you." She brings her nearly completely submerged leg back to the concrete. "I saw that look in your eye, all day today. I knew what you were thinking, because I've thought it too – now and before."

Donnie hesitantly looks over at her. "You really tried to kill yourself before?"

"No. I was already dead long before then. Have been until I met your brother." She almost laughs, but the sound chokes in her throat. "And almost was again…"

Donnie asks on impulse, "Was it really that bad?"

"Worse." She drags her nail vindictively along the concrete. "But after I failed that night, I changed. I knew I couldn't let them win. I'd keep on surviving even if it meant being empty forever."

"I'm not like that." Donnie murmurs absently. He tilts his head and again stares into the ferocious water. And again he longs to be a part of it.

Karai's eyes dart over to him. "That doesn't mean you have to kill yourself. You don't need to prove anything to anyone in order to go on."

"I don't want to die." He mutters vaguely.

"You just want the pain to go away." Karai's eyes cloud with memories and long ago pain. "And it won't. But it does get better. There's always someone who is waiting, just for you, who can make you nearly forget about the pain. You just don't know it yet."

Donnie's brows knit together. He gradually sinks down into a sitting position next to her. He mimics her previous action and dips his own foot into the rushing water. It chills him to the bone and gives him exactly the feeling he anticipated from it.

Karai watches him carefully. She even leans forward slightly so she can read his thoughts through his eyes. His expression has again gone vacant.

"It's just…so much easier." Donnie breathes. He lets the current eat a little farther up on his leg.

Karai nods. "Then let's do it together." She says as if it is nothing. "It really would be nice."

"What?" Donnie jerks his head around and his leg back up to the surface. "…What?"

Karai smiles. "See? Once you hear it out loud it doesn't sound quite so smart anymore, huh?" She raises a brow at him.

Donnie's mouth stretches into a thin line. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Karai sighs. "You're smart." She says matter of factly. "Smarter than anyone I've ever met. And your logic is astounding." Karai's eyes suddenly become soft and she smiles sympathetically. "But with so much isolation, there are going to be cracks. You rely so heavily on yourself that you come to believe that any thought you have must be right. And because there's no one there to tell you otherwise, you listen to your first thoughts and run with it."

Donnie bows his head slightly. "I'm…not alone." He grumbles. But even as he says it he doesn't believe it. Right now he is. He hasn't spoken to any of his brothers, not really spoken, since the incident.

"But your mind is." Karai speaks his thoughts. "Without anyone to talk about your feelings to, you've lost your ability to judge your own logic." She sighs softly. "Only once I said it did you realize how ridiculous it was."

Donnie turns his head in the opposite direction. He struggles to hide the swelling torment within him and the layer of tears filling his eyes.

Karai folds her hands together and lightly drums her fingers. "What I'm saying is, even the smartest people can do stupid things. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. It keeps them sane." Karai smiles to herself. "That's what Leo does for me."

That brings him back to the thought of April. "But there's no one else like that…" He brings his knees to his chest and sets his arms down before pressing his face hard down in them. A soft sob ekes out.

"That's why I followed you." She whispers. She feels a sob swelling within her as well. "I knew you'd think that. That she was the only one." She pulls her knees up and sets her chin on them. "But there's always somebody. You just have to look."

Donnie sniffles softly. He cries silently and tries to do anything but think about her. "I'm a mutant." He croaks. "I can't 'find' people. I don't even know how I found her…"

"Then don't look." She shrugs. "Don't try. Don't think about it. Don't do anything that reminds you of it." She peeks over at him. "Life has a funny way of giving you what you want when you aren't even looking."

"Why do you care anyway?" His voice wavers. "You never liked me. And I was always mean and spiteful, blaming you whenever I could to justify my opinion."

Karai chews on her bottom lip. "Well," She thinks hard on just the right way to say it. "I don't really. But I know Leo and everyone else does. So, for them, I have to make sure you don't act stupid."

Donnie chokes out a bitter laugh. "Of course."

Karai sighs heavily. "You're not a bad person. I understand why you hated me…and maybe still do." She grimaces. "You just wanted to preserve your way of life."

"But I am. I…I killed her." His eyes glaze over and a wild desperation enters his expression. "I hurt Leo. I did so many things wrong."

"You know that wasn't your fault." Karai says quietly. "If anyone…it was mine." Her voice cracks at the edges. "I gave it to her…"

Donnie wants to hate her for it, but he's far beyond that. He can only feel the pain of reality. "Whatever." Usually so verbose, he can't find more than one word to say.

Karai tilts her head, laying it sideways on her knees. She tentatively raises her hand and lays it gently on his shuddering shoulder. "I'm sorry…for everything."

Donnie tenses at her touch. He lifts his head slowly, watching her suspiciously as his tear stained face is revealed. His mouth is a tight grimace and his eyes are made of pure sadness.

Karai shrinks back slightly. She shifts her hand just as slightly, about to draw it back completely.

Donnie jerks his hand up. He grips onto hers with a shocking amount of fierceness. His hand trembles and another layer of desperation sets in on his expression.

Karai panics for a split second. Her breathing hitches and for a moment she is scared of him. Then she sees that it is not out of anger that he clings to her and a soft, sad smile passes her lips. "No matter what, killing yourself is not the answer."

Donnie sniffles loudly. He wipes at his eyes with his free hand. "I know." He chokes out. "It was just…a moment of weakness." He squeezes her hand harder, as if she is his anchor.

"No, it was being human." She whispers. "I know just what it's like. And it's suffocating. You feel as if you can't breathe and are trapped to suffering. You'll do anything to get out, to the point you'd rather be overcome by the water than drown for eternity."

"Ironic." Donnie manages a choked chuckle. It does nothing to lighten the mood. "It's more like drowning here, with nothing but air around us, than it is beneath the surface where we can't hope to live and breathe."

"Ironic?" Karai repeats. "Hm…more like cruel."

Donnie shrugs. "How about both?"

Karai nods. Still, despite the progress she feels she's made, there's a heavy weight that remains on her shoulders. "But…" She begins tentatively. "No matter what…no matter how hard it makes things…never forget."

Donnie cringes. His chest tightens.

Karai bows her head. "I know I'll never forget them." Shredder and Miwa. "And they weren't even good to me. And I'll never forget her…April…" She shudders slightly.

Donnie shivers as her name slithers out into the air and over him. He bites his lip. He hesitates. "I…"

Karai perks then. She hears a quiet splash behind them and her grip on Donnie tenses. Her eyes narrow and she swivels her head around, prepared to act. Only as she sees the green framing the blue on his face does she relax.

Leo stops a few feet away. He watches them curiously for a moment, considering the scene. Then he asks, "What are you doing out here?" He has a sinking feeling he already knows.

Karai freezes. "We…" For one of the only times in her life she can't formulate a lie.

Donnie turns twists around and manages a small smile. "Reliving memories." He shrugs. He briefly makes eye contact with Karai, saying more then than any words could have done.

A wisp of a smile flickers across Karai's lips. "It's just, nice…to listen to the water. It reminds me of a lot of things." She lets her hand slip from Donnie's and she turns around completely, standing slowly. "Good and bad."

Leo smiles knowingly. "Well hopefully from here on out it will only be good." He moves toward her, spreading his arms out to wrap around her.

Karai moves, but quickly stops. She steps back and tilts her head in Donnie's direction. Her brows furrow and mouth curves downward. There is a brief pause, then she goes back down to the ground, kneeling next to him.

Donnie blinks twice. He peers into her eyes and is stunned to see something he has never noticed before. He sees genuine concern, not a stare layered with pity and sympathy. It reminds him of the way April looked at him a long time ago, back when he suffered his worst panic attack.

Karai sees his surprise and it almost hurts her. Yet she knows it's well deserved. She's done very little, at least for him. "Come on," She grabs his hand and tugs lightly. "We've done enough here. Let's go home."

Donnie's brows furrow on his head. But ultimately, he can't refuse. He curls his fingers around her hand and holds on tight. "Alright," He breathes, a ghost of a smile curving his lips.

Karai pulls him up to stand with her. She smiles in return.

"I won't forget." He promises. How could he ever really? April is his everything. Maybe one day there will be another, but even then he swears he won't forget her. She was his first.

Karai nods imperceptibly. She stares for a moment longer and then releases her hold on him. She turns back to Leo and closes the remaining distance. She wraps her arms around him and leans her head into the crook of his neck.

Leo looks with uncertainty back and forth between his brother and girlfriend. He quickly shrugs away his feelings and hugs Karai back. He pulls her around so she stands beside him and then nuzzles her gently, speaking to Donnie. "Are you alright then?" He tilts his head slightly.

Donnie hesitates. He looks from Karai to Leo and back again. "No," He says carefully. "But I'm ok enough to keep going."

Leo eyes him strangely, but he doesn't argue. He kisses Karai gently on the forehead. "Ok, Donnie." He reaches a hand out toward his brother.

Donnie takes it and moves over to Leo's side. The three turn in tandem and walk slowly back to the lair. It is as they go that Donnie's gaze slips over to Karai. Somehow the way she looks in that moment strikes a chord. Maybe it has to do with the way she moves.

Regardless, he sees so much of April in her. And he understands that the best way to let April live on in him is through Karai. He can accept her and make her feel like she belongs. Maybe he can even learn to enjoy her company. At least this little escapade wasn't so bad. She did help him.

He smiles to himself. Maybe he can make it through this after all.

Ok, so this is actually the shortest chapter. Kinda feels epilogueish. But it's not. There's not an epilogue. I feel if I had an epilogue it would end up being a lead in to Donnie and 'the one who is is waiting just for him.' And let us not. So this is it. How was it? Did the end wrap everything up nicely? Or were you looking for more?

By the way, in calling it surreal I meant how it's mostly dialogue. Imo it made it feel 'dream-like.' Idk. Hope you enjoyed the ride. I know I loved the experience. Please review! :)