Thanks to all who've reviewed (or even just lurked and enjoyed). I find it a bit - interesting - that my earlier stuff seems better received than my later - it is simpler, for sure, and at least for the JA stories, more what I personally call "juveniles." My definition might not be yours: to me, "juvvies" are often superficial, don't delve deeply into motivations and deep characterization, and are more "light reading" entertainment than stories to provoke contemplation or discussion.

Unfortunately for fans of such stories, I'm not sure I could return to that style of writing should I wish to. It's almost a "by the numbers" writing with our characters perhaps learning some things, but not really growing through out the story.

Then again, I'm finding it difficult to write anything nowadays, so perhaps a more "by the numbers" is what I need to attempt.

And here we conclude with sentiment overflowing into pure, unadulterated overdone mush that almost makes me cringe with its high sugar content. Don't forget to brush your teeth upon completion..

Chapter 7 Let Your Heart Speak And All Will Be Well

"Padawan." Qui-Gon nodded coolly, as Obi-Wan entered the room, flushing a bit but with his head held high. He couldn't believe what Yoda had told him, yet here was his padawan, no bright eyes flashing at him, an air of - almost, defeat – about him. Hurt, perhaps he expected, but – defeat?

At first he wanted to jump to his feet and hug the young man close, ask his forgiveness for the harsh words he had flung at him – then he remembered that Obi-Wan was hurting him, betraying him. He was the one wronged. The Jedi master was suddenly angry, but struggling to understand what had suddenly gone so wrong between them.

"Thank you for making me comfortable." He had to take refuge in small talk for he honestly had no idea what he wished to say, or how to reach this young man he had thought he had known so well – one who now wished to leave him. He felt like a dagger had been stuck in his heart and twisted, and Obi-Wan seemed not to know it. His cool blue-gray eyes merely looked at Qui-Gon without expression – those eyes that usually danced with mirth or looked so earnest in thought.

"Yoda said you wish to be released," Qui-Gon said calmly, though inside his heart beat frantically, asking why, why? "I would like to know your reason, before I can consider giving my consent."

Obi-Wan actually flinched; lashes dropping to hide his eyes, to hide a hurt he didn't wish to reveal. But the dropping of his chin, the blood rushing from his face to leave it pale and still, rang warning bells in Qui-Gon's mind. Obi-Wan was upset. Obi-Wan didn't really wish for this to happen, though it was by his own request. It was his master's apparent calm willingness to discuss it that seemed to deepen his feeling that it must happen, and caused this sudden burst of pain that had surged through the Force.

"Is it necessary I speak why, Master? I do not wish to continue hurting you." His head hung down; his eyes would not meet Qui-Gon's.

"Continue – hurting me? Me?" For a moment, Qui-Gon could only stare in astonishment and dismay. He was suddenly scared, for what could make Obi-Wan want to avoid his eyes and hide his feelings? Obi-Wan's reluctance to speak – to trust him with what was in his heart – the fear in his own, turned his next words harsh and biting, angry.

"What hurts me is your wish to break the bond – what have I done for you to wish to take this action?"

"Nothing, Master. It is I who…hurts you. I wish to spare you further pain."

So be it. Neither of them would speak what was in their hearts; their eyes would not meet in sudden understanding. The bond was already smothered in hurt silence.

That silence between them hovered, grew, stifled the words either might have spoken. Impasse. Finality.

Ob-Wan raised his head and his lashes blinked against tears.

For a minute, a heartbeat and more, the two merely looked at each other. Neither could find words to breach the growing distance between them. That lack of words would be the final cut, they both knew. Time stilled, yet still it passed, until, with a pained swallow, Obi-Wan turned to leave. Qui-Gon watched him go, each step taking him further and further out of his life, away from him – and he knew he couldn't just let it end like this.

However much it might hurt, he had to know why. Why was Obi-Wan's hand on the hilt of the dagger stuck in his heart? Why was Obi-Wan leaving him?

"Padawan," he tried to call, but the words would not leave his throat. Obi-Wan was at the door, was walking through it, shoulders bowed. He was almost gone. He was – gone, one step already into the hallway, the other almost. Qui-Gon panicked.

"Obi-Wan," he whispered, hoping the young man could hear him, would stop to listen. "I can't let you go without knowing why. I need to know why you must break my heart."

"It is your heart I wish to protect," Obi-Wan said quietly. He stood in the doorway; shoulders slumped, just as unwilling to walk through it as Qui-Gon was for him to do so.

Qui-Gon's connection to the Living Force was telling him to open himself, be vulnerable, and to make it safe for Obi-Wan to be vulnerable in return. He was closed off, unreadable now, yet Qui-Gon could feel the pain radiating from him. They were two Jedi, joined by heartache and pain. Two Jedi, who needed each other, and couldn't - wouldn't say so.

Stubborn, both of them. Hurting, both of them. Scared, both of them. They were supposed to be Jedi – he was a master, by Force – and he couldn't let this happen.

"I can't let you go, Obi-Wan. I need you." Somehow, the words came out through a throat suddenly dry, in contrast to the eyes suddenly moist.

"But you don't want me." Anguish flared like a wave through the Force. It catapulted Qui-Gon to his feet, to lay his hands on Obi-Wan's shoulders and turn the boy about, to force his face to meet his. Those blue-gray eyes never lied to him; they revealed his padawan's every thought and every emotion, no matter the shields protecting his mind.

Now they showed nothing but pain, lashes sparkling silver with unshed tears. Blue-gray eyes, swimming in hurt.

Obi-Wan was protecting himself, and thought he was protecting Qui-Gon, from some heartache. Instead, he was creating it, in both of them. Something was a sharp ache stabbing his heart that he wished to dull, by pulling it out, by walking away. But he has so much courage in him, why does he flinch from this? Qui-Gon's hands tightened on the slim shoulders. Obi-Wan merely looked at him, tense and unhappy.

What had so wounded his bright and loving boy? Stolen his spirit?

Tell him, be open and honest, the Force surged through Qui-Gon. No, no I can't, I need to remain calm, Qui-Gon protested inwardly. Tell him, or you will lose him, here, now, forever, the Force commanded.

"Why do you say that, young one?" You could lose him forever….oh merciful Force, no! What had Yoda said? Let him know what is in your heart. In his heart, a wound he has taken!

"Obi-Wan, please – see into my heart. Let me into yours." He deliberately lowered his shields, further than he had ever done. Please, Obi-Wan, don't let it be too late. Please don't let me lose you like this – without knowing why.

He felt inexplicable joy as Obi-Wan's barriers slowly crumbled, but they were still there, masking Obi-Wan's hurt. He still had need of words.

"I know you can never love me as you loved – him, Master. You are not ready to love again, and I can never be the one you love. Someday you might be ready, and I hope you find a padawan who brings you joy and love, everything you want and deserve. Someone who won't betray you as I did – as we both did. I never wanted to betray you, never."

His padawan's barriers continued to crumble; the last barrier shattered under his anguished mind-thought. I love you enough to leave you, to ease your heart. For it is not enough for you that I love you…it hurts too much to know how much I hurt you, how you watch me…how much I disappoint you – and how you think I betrayed you.

Under the weight of that pain and that love, Qui-Gon had to close his eyes and nourish the flicker of the Force coming from his padawan, before opening them and letting his heart guide his words.

"I do love you, Obi-Wan," he said softly, his eyes steady on Obi-Wan's own. The words caught in his throat, he put out shaking hands to hold Obi-Wan still before him.

Believe me, I tried not to. I didn't want to be hurt again. I thought I never wanted to love again, that I never could. I was wrong. You showed me how. I do love you, padawan mine, and it would break my heart if you left me. What can I say to change your mind?

"But, but you told me – you said…."

Qui-Gon heard the uncertainty, the yearning in that voice, and gently urged Obi-Wan to set his fear free. He sent a Force wave through their bond, filling it with warmth and acceptance. Tell me, my young one.

"You told me to go away…and then you said I wasn't him and would never be. You said you didn't want me and that I betrayed you! It's true, I felt every word through the Force when it hit me."

Qui-Gon's heart contracted at that simple statement, filled with such despair and anguish. I could not have said that – it's not true. It's not…and then he remembered the words, the all too true words, but with an entirely different meaning. He remembered little else of that time, sweating, tossing and turning, mumbling – but he remembered as he saw what Obi-Wan remembered, and how hurt the boy had been….

Obi-Wan had insisted on staying beside him, wiping his face every so often with a cool cloth, sending tendrils of the Force to calm his fevered mind. He didn't want Obi-Wan to wear himself out, tending to his master, getting sick himself as he had that dreadful time a year ago, when he had been so terribly afraid he would lose him. He had almost lost him, oh Force, he had almost lost him! And he had told – merciful Force – he had told Obi-Wan to go away, and Obi-Wan only heard the words and not the reason behind them…and then, later…

… he was burning, and he saw him, Xani, laughing at him as he slowly drew his lightsaber across Qui-Gon's body, burning him, burning…. He had opened his eyes and saw his apprentice sitting beside him, arm reached out to his face and he had suddenly spoken. Told him to get away, said, "I don't want you. You're not him, you can never be him."

He had told Xanatos to go away; he would never be Obi-Wan. But the words had been said, not to Xanatos, but to Obi-Wan. His padawan heard the words meant for another and thought - ! His beautiful, bright, loving padawan only wanted his master's love and needed his acceptance – that was what the Living Force was telling him!

He let the memory of his own words stab him: his thoughtless, feverish ramblings, the words that almost tore his padawan away from him, and he held that thought close to him for a moment, for he deserved this pain for hurting his padawan so deeply. Feverish words, true, but Obi-Wan hadn't known that; the backlash of emotion through the Force had only seemed to confirm the truth of them. Would Obi-Wan ever believe him? If so, could that belief bring forgiveness?

He slipped to his knees, bringing Obi-Wan with him and wrapped his arms about the boy's slim shoulders, feeling him shake and hold back a sob as he tried not to fall into his master's shoulder, the one that should have always been there for him, the one that comforted the boy that Obi-Wan had once been. A young man now, but one that could still be hurt, and one that needed comfort.

"Oh, my Obi-Wan, you are not him. You misunderstood," he whispered into silky hair, pressed his padawan tight against him, feeling their two heartbeats thumping against each other's chest. "When I told you to go away, I didn't want you to get sick, like before, when I almost lost you – I was so scared of losing you, like I almost did before. And later, later,' he swallowed, "in my fever I saw Xanatos burning me, and I was telling him to go away, that he could never be my Obi-Wan – he could never be you."

He put his hands on either side of Obi-Wan's face, forced him to look into his eyes.

"Xanatos broke my heart. I loved him for many reasons, and mostly for the wrong reasons. But I love you, and the reasons are all the right ones. I loved him for who I thought he was, and who I wanted him to be. Selfish reasons. But I love you for what and who you are: my loving, kind and usually obedient padawan."

He saw the blossoming of hope in his padawan's eyes…continued through a voice thick with emotion.

"I could not let him go, but I love you enough to let you go. If I can't hold onto you, I will let you go, if that is what you truly want."

Obi-Wan closed lashes against eyes soft with tears, trying to believe the words – a tendril of questing Force questioning, finding his master's open heart and held breath – and Obi-Wan silently wrapped his arms around his master and hugged him close.

"I don't want to go, Master," he whispered against Qui-Gon's chest. "I will stay."

"You had better, my brat of a padawan, padawan mine," Qui-Gon whispered, teasingly, for now he knew he had not lost his padawan after all and that they both needed a moment of levity. Indeed, Obi-Wan was smiling, his eyes bright and shining.

Large hands riffled fondly through reddish-brown silky hair, tweaked his nerf-tail, and wiped tears from now serene blue-gray eyes, even as Obi-Wan reached up to brush a tear from Qui-Gon's own eyes. The Jedi wrapped his arms around his padawan and held him close, feeling Obi-Wan's contentment at the embrace as they sat on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon whispered. I should have opened my heart to you long ago, but I was afraid.

As was I, came back through the bond. But I didn't think I could bear to know the truth. And then…you said – and all I wanted to do was spare you pain.

Qui-Gon found himself smiling through tears. And now? he gently encouraged.

Now, I think I couldn't bear not to know the truth.

And in the hallway outside, a very relieved Jedi master sighed, and hobbled away, a satisfied smile on his face, as thoughts echoed behind him…

"My master."

"Padawan, mine."