Nostalgia Critic: Frosty Returns

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Even though it's after Christmas, it's still snow y outside and we have something to celebrate for it. Frosty the Snowman.

NC (voiceover) The classic cartoon about the snowman who came to life is certainly a household classic as it to this day is still showing on CBS with the other Christmas classics.

NC: But with Frosty comes that other special. The special that almost makes that one feel embarrassed! The name of that special is Frosty Returns!

Footage of Frosty Returns

NC (voiceover): Now what really weirds me out about this special is that this actually considered a sequel to the original. And yet this has absolutely NOTHING in common to the original. The main character's different, the other characters are different, the setting's different, everything!

NC: How, you might ask? Well, let's get ready to shovel our way through a pile of-(pause) I made this joke in my Jack Frost review, so let's just get started.

NC (voiceover): So we first start out in a snow flurry. Well, trust me; everything in this movie is in a flurry. But we then, we get our narrator for the evening played by Jonathan Winters.

Narrator: Some folks say 'You really want to see the country, take a bus. Or hop a train. Ride a bike. Me, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. Stick to what I know: snowflakes. I know it's not for everyone, but as long as you pack light, I mean, and wear at least three layers of undies, it's a lovely way to spend the winter.

NC: Really? So you're telling us one of the best ways to travel, is by snowflake. (Shrug) Why not? Any one can give it a try! (He dresses up in heavy winter clothing and goes outside. He spots a snowflake and tries to jump on it but falls over hardly on the ground.) OW! OWWWWW! OOOOOWWWWWWW! (Tries to get up, but no luck with his winter clothing) WHY DID I LISTEN?!

NC (voiceover): So after we get our opening credits, we see the kids playing out in the snow, and the adults suffering from it.

Kids (singing): We love the snow!

Adults (singing): Oh, no! Not snow!

Kids (singing): We love the snow!)

Adults (singing): Who needs the snow? It's badder then rain! Thus causes us pain!

Kids (singing): The rain you can't throw!

NC (voiceover): If you people are wondering what I think of the animation, I don't mind it. Seeing how it's made by the people who made the Charlie Brown cartoons, it kind of gives you a feeling of Charlie Brown while watching it. So, I'll let it slide. So we then see our main character. Yeah, you thought it was going to be Frosty the Snowman, didn't you? I mean his name is only in the freaking title. But this is our hero: A little girl named Holly, voiced by Elisabeth 'No, I'm not making any Mad Men jokes in this review' Moss. She's accompanied by her best friend, a little Marcie-clone named Charles.

Charles: Holly, why aren't you playing outside?

Holly: Wasn't invited.

NC (voiceover): Wait, what?

Charles: Holly, why aren't you playing outside?

Holly: Wasn't invited.

NC (voiceover): You weren't invited to play outside? What? Does God have problems with certain people?

Cut to NC going outside

NC: Ah, what a nice day to-(Gets struck by lightning and disappears)

NC (voiceover): So Holly wants to practice this magic act she's planning to do at the annual Winter Carnival, but Charles is reluctant to do it.

Charles: I just want to warn you, I'm very ticklish.

Holly: You won't feel a thing. That's why it's called magic.

Charles: There's no such thing as magic. Everything has an explanation. The proper term is science.

Sheldon (From The Big Bang Theory): If I may interject a piece of friendly advice, is working on magic tricks really how you wanna spend your time?

NC (voiceover): So while doing the magic act, a big gust of wind comes in and blows Holly's hat away. She runs off to go get it but runs into her teacher, Mrs. Carbunkle. And to be fair, she does have a few good lines.

Mrs. Carbunkle: Right now, I have a sidewalk to plow. Before you know it, this darn snow turns into slush, and when there's slush, there's ice, and when there's ice, there's broken hips, and when there's broken hips, there's substitute teachers!

NC (voiceover): As much as I hate to use a corny line, "It's funny because it's true!" So when Holly continues looking, she finds the snowman himself, played by John Goodman. Though to be fair, a good replacement for Jackie Vernon.

Holly: Who are you?

Frosty: The name's Frosty, and yours?

NC: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute-wait a minute-wait a minute. What?

Frosty: The name's Frosty, and yours?

NC (voiceover): Now hold on just a second, how does Frosty know his name? I mean seriously, how did he know it? Now, I know what you're thinking 'Oh, it's because the kids named him that. But where were the kids, I mean we didn't see them build Frosty at all, so what's up with that? Was Frosty just thinking of those Frosty Sundaes you get at Wendy's and thought Frosty is the right name? And for that matter, how would he know what freaking sundaes are? And why would he know what freaking Wendy's is? And is there even a freaking Wendy's in this world? The way they tell us how Frosty knows his name, it's never explained! In fact, wait a minute! WHY THE FREAK IS THIS CALLED "FROSTY RETURNS"?

NC: I mean he can't return from anywhere because we clearly saw he was just brought to life! Did you just forget this was a sequel by not paying attention to the title?! WHAT KIND OF SEQUEL IS THIS? HOW FAR ARE WE INTO THIS SPECIAL ANYWAY?

A placecard comes up saying "Time in: 5 minutes"

NC: 5 minutes?! Oh my God! We're only 5 minutes in here and already I'm already lost by one line! GOD, THIS IS GONNA SUCK!

NC: So after we all, assume the snowman knows his name, Holly talks about her problems to him.

Holly: I have no friends, except for Charles.

Frosty: One friend is a lot different from no friends, kid. One friend is plenty.

Holly: But we always fight. Charles always talks about science. He doesn't believe there's anything in the world that can't be explained.

Frosty: Oh, like say a snowman doing a cartwheel? Or a singing cute genie? (Sings like a genie) Or maybe dance in a mean mombo?

Tina Russo (from The Looney Tunes Show): How about I take your head and shove it in that machine and make a bunch of copies of your stupid face, you got time for that?

NC (voiceover): So after Frosty, I don't know just dances for a few seconds, they see Holly's mother using a spray can called Summer Wheeze, that can make snow disappear. It's made by this guy known as Mr. Twitchell. While making this product, he comes up with an idea. He's going to present it at a Winter Carnival so they make him King of that carnival. That's right, instead of using the product he made to get rich and famous, he settles for a silly crown and cape at some crappy carnival.

NC: That's...just...stupid.

NC (voiceover): As you can imagine, Frosty isn't thrilled by what's going on. So Holly decides to do the E.T./Iron Giant/and now Frankenweenie approach and hide Frosty in the refrigerator so her mother doesn't catch him. But we get more of the teacher when Holly heads off for school.

Mrs. Carbunkle: Holly! What's that thing sticking out of your desk?

Holly: It's just my lunch, turkey.

Mrs. Carbunkle: Don't you think you should COOK it first? (Kids laugh)

Nostalgia Critic: He-he-he, (rolls eyes) cooking turkeys.

Nostalgia Critic: So as Not-Sheldon-Cooper here gives a speech of snow, the kids then decide they don't want snow anymore. Funny how the kids before loved snow but let's keep going.

Charles: Do you realize what you're saying?

Kids: No more snow! No more snow! No more snow!

NC (imitating kids): We have multiple-personality disorders! We have multiple-personality disorders!

NC (voiceover): So Holly leaves and finds Frosty who escaped the refrigerator a while ago.

Frosty: I finally found a place where the snow is here to stay. An ice castle!

Holly: Won't be there for long.

Frosty: What are you talking about?

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I mean is it made of snow or is it just a prop? Hello? Anyone?

Holly: Whenever I try to talk, my mouth gets all dry and my hands get all clammy. I let you down, didn't I?

Frosty: Maybe it's time you tried a different approach.

NC: WHAT IS UP WITH THE ICE CASTLE! ONE LITTLE THING I'M CURIOUS ABOUT AND YOU DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT DOING INSTEAD? SINGING?!

Frosty starts singing

NC: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA H!

NC (voiceover): Okay, so after that...important song, they come across Charles, who is unrealistically okay that there's a FREAKING TALKING SNOWMAN IN FRONT OF HIM!

Frosty: Some things just can't be explained. Like rhythm! Come on! Don't make me dance alone!

NC bums his head on his desk

Mr. Twitchell: Stop the car! And stop the music!

Lights shine on Mr. Twitchell as a heavenly chorus plays

NC (voiceover): So when Mr. Twitchell thankfully puts a stop to the music he sends his cat who, for some reason looks like a mix between the Cinderella cat and the Smurfs cat, to spray the snowy figure, but he only sprays a little bit of him.

Holly: Frosty, what happened!

Charles: Looks like the work of Summer Wheeze!

Holly: Oh no, there's hardly any snow left on the ground!

NC: Uh, yeah there is.

Holly: How are we gonna help Frosty?

Frosty: You better think fast guys! Or I'm going back to the North Pole in a bowl.

NC: (pauses looking shocked) JUST LOOK BELOW YOUR FREAKING-forget it.

NC (voiceover): So when the get snow from the freezer to put Frosty back together, THIS time there isn't any snow on the ground.

Frosty: Gee, kid. If there was ever a time we needed magic, this is it.

Holly: That's it! Come on!

NC (voiceover): Uh, what does she mean by that?

Mr. Twitchell: Well? Would that crown fit me or not?

NC (voiceover): HELLO?!

Mr. Twitchell: A snowfall!

NC (voiceover): WHAT KIND OF MAGIC DID THOSE KIDS GET? THERE WAS NOTHING THEY FOUND, THEY DIDN'T FIND A MIRACLE, THEY JUST DID A FREAKING JUMP-CUT!

NC: ARE YOU PEOPLE JUST LAZY GIVING US AN IDEA WHERE THEY GET THIS STUFF?! JUST GIVE US SOME KIND OF EXPLANATION SO WE WON'T GET CONFUSED! (pause) GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

NC: So the kids find a way to get Frosty to the winter carnival and what does he do next?

Frosty starts singing

Phil (from Rugrats in Paris): I hate it when they sing.

NC: So after the song. Everything goes right, Mr. Twitchell becomes a good guy, but Frosty sadly has to go.

Frosty: Don't worry kid, I'll be back. Give me some time to find me a new bowtie. (Frosty then disappears in a gust of wind)

NC looks dumbfounded

NC: Okay. So, you're telling me, that anytime through this special or the first one for that matter. He could've disappeared anytime he wanted to? I guess this just shows how much of a BUTTHOLE THIS GUY IS THAT HE WASTED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE'S TIME, ALMOST HAD A GIRL FREEZE TO DEATH AND SANTA CLAUS COME OUT AND PICK HIM UP TO TAKE HIM TO THE NORTH POLE, AND YOU COULD HAVE DID IT YOURSELF?! But that's nothing. You know who the person was who said this had hope? One of the guys from SATURDAY-FREAKING-NIGHT LIVE!

NC (voiceover): So that's Frosty Returns or what I'd like to call AN UNHOLY DOUNUT-HOLE PILE OF CRAP-CHEESE! The story is sloppy, the message is phoned in, there's things never explained, and what does this have to do with Christmas?! I mean this airs every year around Christmastime and they don't even mention it! I mean what was the purpose of making this?!

NC: My guess is that they just threw this together just to make money! (sarcastically) I mean that's what Christmas is all about right?! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!

THE END