A/N: I've been going through a lot of different emotions right now, and I think that is the reason I was able to deliver this update. I will remind you that this is going out of the boundaries I have set as a writer, so if you're not into CHARACTER DEATHS, please dismiss this.

D: Disclaimed

~Paul~

They said he felt no pain. It happened instantly. He was gone before he was crushed. What sort of comfort does that give me though? He's gone. So young and he's gone. And I've never had the chance to apologize because I thought I had all of the time in the world, I thought he'd be here forever.

Billy looks crushed, Rachel is so shattered that she's come to me for solace, and she hasn't spoken to me since the divorce. Rebecca closed everyone out; she's a standing shell. Me, I'm fucking lost. The last thing I want to do is fall apart in front of everyone; no one knew that I was madly in love with the one person I could never tell. I was way too afraid to admit it.

I was a coward. I am a coward.

They say the ones who leave this earth way too soon, change the world before someone old and wise could. That's exactly what Jacob has done. Every person who attended the wake had nothing but positive memories to share. Though he hasn't lived here for years, people were still thankful for the generous donations he made for the school here, to the daycare center, to the elders, to… everyone. I had no knowledge of this. But apparently he would send whatever he could.

Not once had he asked for acknowledgments because that's just not who Jacob was. He was a lost soul, and I could see him fall deeper every time he came home. I could shed tears nonstop with the many times I avoided him. I kept thinking that maybe just one hug would give him assurance that I still cared for him. But would he have appreciated that?

I tried my best to be a good husband, I was sure that Rachel was the one. I wanted her to be the one. And I had myself convinced once she announced that we were expecting PJ, I thought I was happy and I really thought this is what I wanted. I seem to have lost it once little Sarah was born. What should have been joy was sorrow and realizations that I most likely would never have a chance with Jacob.

I cried at nights, drowning my tears in alcohol, becoming detached from everyone in my life. When I would hear Rachel's many frustrations over her brother, about him moving further and further away each year, I knew it was because of me. I left him in the cold, I broke him and I'm not proud of it.

When Rachel asked for a divorce, I hadn't argued. I wanted to care, but I didn't. I felt trapped here, and there were so many times that I wanted to pack my stuff and just up and leave to look for Jacob, to beg for his forgiveness. But I could never build up the courage.

I envied Jacob when he came home a couple months ago. He came out to his dad and his sisters. He told them something I could never tell anyone.

And now, we're standing here as they lower the casket into the ground. Everyone cried, even me. Today we were saying our final goodbye, and I wasn't sure if I was ready. I was tired of holding the tears in, so I let the tears flow. I hadn't realized that both Rachel and Rebecca were now holding me. I felt so helpless, so lost.

As everyone cleared the cemetery to head back to the Black residence for his or her last goodbyes, I stayed here. I couldn't bring myself to leave. I just couldn't, I already walked away from him so many times, and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I fell to my knees in tears, my fingers tracing over the engraved name on the tombstone that had read Jacob Black. None of it seemed real, like I was waiting for someone to tell me that it was all one big mistake, that Jacob was still in Seattle. That he should be on his way in a couple days. Not this. Anything but this.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed, not sure if he'd hear me. "I'm sorry for ever hurting you."

I was crazy to expect a reply. To hope that he would suddenly appear in front of me and say that he forgave me. But I was still alone as the snow fell so peacefully.

"There's things I should've said before," I cried, "there's things I wish I could've said, but I was too afraid, and you knew that." I chuckled and wiped the tears from my cheek, "of course you knew, and yet I left you out of the picture. But… Jake, wherever you are, I hope you can find it your soul to forgive me. I loved you, I do love you. But I could never tell you, and now I'm regretting every bit of it."

"I remember the first time we actually spoke." I smiled recalling the memory, "did you know that I was afraid to talk to you? I was afraid that you might think that I was some sort of creeper, and that you might have found me weird for wanting to talk to you. I've never felt that way before with anyone, not even with Rachel. But there you were, in the kitchen making your dad breakfast, and arguing with Rachel about it being her turn." I smiled once again. "I remember that beautiful smile you gave me, and that gave me hope, that gave me the courage I needed to finally talk to you a couple weeks later." Then I wiped another tear from my cheek. "You made my last year of school an unforgettable one Jake, you showed me so much, and you became the friend I felt I never deserved. You were my first." I clasped my hands and tried to smile, "I've never told you that. I wanted you to believe me that I was a player, that I could have anyone I wanted, but the truth was that I only wanted you. That night, I will never forget. Ever."

"I don't know if you can hear me Jake," I sighed, "but if you can, I want you to know if I could do it all over again, I'd be there when you needed me, I'd love you like you wanted me to."

"Why hadn't you said anything before?" I turned to find Billy and Rachel standing there.

Rachel looked hurt, and I now I felt guilt impale on me. "Wait! Rachel, I'm sorry."

"For what?" She was expressionless. "For loving my brother before me?"

I couldn't look at her; I couldn't even look at Billy. I just broke their family up even more than I already had. She walked away, and most likely hating my guts, but Billy stayed in his spot, staring down at his son's grave.

"You know what the hardest thing about this is?" He finally spoke, I looked up and shook my head, "today I buried my son, and no one should ever have to do that. No parent should ever have to go through this."

"I'm sorry Billy." I muttered.

"Not as sorry as I am." He spoke clearly. "So why hadn't you told Jacob anything? Why wait till now?"

"Because I was afraid to." I admitted. "I was never was as strong as he was. I always thought being with Rachel is what I really wanted, and at the time it was. I never wanted him to be hurt, I wanted him to find someone so much better for him than me. I tried my best to be a great husband for Rachel, I tried my best to get over Jacob, but the more I tried, I dug myself deeper in the hole."

"So you could've been my son-in-law either way." He chuckled, something I would've never expected. "I'm grateful that you and Rachel blessed me with my grandchildren, but I'm not too happy that Jacob had to hurt over it." He was now crying. "You know when Jacob came to me that day and told me he was gay, it was all coming together; why he was avoiding you, and why you always asked about him. I knew that he was in love with you, and I was planning to tell him to talk to you so he could move on. I didn't know that he was moving home though, and something tells me that he was coming to fix things between you two, something told me that he was going to be okay after all of this. But I guess fate had something else planned for him."

"I'm sorry Billy. I've ruined everything."

"Not entirely." He murmured, "You still have to live for him Paul. Jacob, as stubborn as he was, wouldn't want you to live on just to die. Promise you'll live for his memory, promise me that you will tell your kids just how special their uncle was, promise me that you'll be there for Rebecca and Rachel when I go, just how Jacob would. We all knew he was a strong man, you have to remember the best times, you have to remember everything Jacob accomplished and everything he stood for. Let's celebrate his life, not just grieve his death."

"But it hurts."

"Don't I know," he sighed, "but now I choose to believe he's with my Sarah. I can only hope that she's taking care of him, I can only hope that he'll be waiting for me when it's my time to go."

"Do you think…" I just couldn't say.

"That he'll wait for you?" He gave me smile, "I'm sure of it. Jacob, may be impatient, but something tells me that he will be waiting." He paused, "do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Not really." I admitted.

"Well, if you can hope for it, and if you find him again in another life, promise that you wont make him wait again." He was now sitting next to me rubbing my shoulder. "Love him first."

I nodded. The tears fell down my cheek as we sat in silence. I almost felt as if I didn't deserve to cry over him, but I couldn't help it. When Rebecca came back for her father, she gave me a hug and told me to take care, something I wouldn't have never expected.

"Today I say goodbye," I sobbed, "for now. I know I will see you again, and for the love of god, I hope you're waiting for me at the gates of heaven."

It was then I was left alone when all of the vehicles had left. In front of me was the fresh soil that had covered my best friend and the person who meant the world to me.

"I don't know really what to say Jake," I sniffled and wiped the tears that continued to fall, "I know I have to leave here and move on with my life, but… I don't know how too. A part of me is afraid that once I leave this cemetery, we might forget each other, that you might just forget me."

Once again I was waiting for some response, but I was left with just the memories I was afraid I just might forget. I didn't want to forget. As I stood, the air blew with the snow melting as soon as it touched my face. But the one thing that caught my attention was the cool breeze that reached my nostrils; it was mixed with the sweet, yet tasteful scent that reminded me of Jake. It was almost as if he was standing next to me, giving me hope that just maybe he was watching over me like I had hoped.

I left with a smile that day. And I kept my promise to Billy when I said I would live for Jake's memory, reminding PJ and Sarah about the uncle that they barely remembered. It touched my heart when PJ told me that he had kept the teddy bear that he remembered that Jake brought him on one of his trips home. Though they barely remember him, they still cherish the memories we all have of him.

When PJ graduated, I caught the same scent and felt the warmth inside of me as I watched my son accept his diploma. It really did feel like Jake was there with us, smiling ear to ear as he was most likely watching his nephew make us all proud. Even though Rachel and I hardly talked after the divorce, we kept it civil for the kids. She remarried, but I hadn't. I never found the right person again.

Billy died in his sleep when we found out that Sarah was pregnant. Becoming a grandfather had to be another highlight of my life, and imagine the surprise I had when I found out she was naming her first son Jacob William Black.

I was seventy-two when the news was delivered that Rachel had lost her battle cancer. I was all that was left for the kids and the grandkids. I was beginning to really feel the loss of everyone once I began to realize I was one of the last few alive out of our friends.

When PJ and his wife finally had their first child, I was able to meet the grandchild before I was ready to leave myself. I wasn't sure what it was, or what it all meant, just that I knew I was close to the last of my days.

I lay in bed alone, reminiscing on my younger days, reliving every memory just like they were fresh from the day they were conceived. I stared blankly at the ceiling in the dark, finding myself smiling once again. It has been years since I remembered that I was able to smile this big. It was the day that Jake held onto me like his life depended on it, and I couldn't help but be satisfied that I was the reason for it. It was like butterflies running through me once again, like I was defying gravity.

As I closed my eyes, I felt the warm touch of someone's hand hold onto mine with that beautiful sweet smell that I had grown fond of. It was then I knew that I was ready to move on knowing that I had kept my promise.

That I had lived for the memories of Jacob Ephraim Black.