*WAVES* - Anyone remember me? Well um, yeah, hi.
This is obviously a parody of sorts but, like all good parodies, has some sort of base in truth. I tend to go by this rule when I'm writing Wicked fic parody – if I haven't directly insulted every Wicked author out there (especially myself) I've done something wrong. So if you take offence at this feel free to complain so I can laugh at you.
I've written all of the parts it's just the whole thing's 8000 words so I thought I'd split it up, so there's no need to worry about any lengthy waits.
Wicked Writing For Dummies
(A guide for the rest of us)
Greetings! Hello and welcome to the Wicked section a fandom somewhere over the rainbow where skies are blue and dreams really do come true (like, you know, if you dream of uploading Wicked stories).
So here is your essential and not at all sarcastic guide on how to write in this section!
Getting Started
Step one:Watch Wicked
Q: I haven't actually seen Wicked and it's not showing near me/it's really expensive and I spent all my money on a witch's hat and green face paint. What do I do?
A: No worries! Just listen to the soundtrack loads and loads so you know all the words off by heart and then read the Wiki article (make sure it's the musical one, not the book one – that will be a little confusing). Try to also watch as much of it as you can on youtube – yeah it's hard to find these days because all the clips keep getting deleted (for some stupid and unimportant reason, like it being illegal) but do your best.
Q: I haven't read the book? Should I?
A: Firstly are you under 15? If so no, really no, that book is traumatising. Seriously, think of any disturbing topic ever – it will be in there – in graphic detail. My theory is that Maguire was dared to write the most craptastic world he could out of a happy children's novel; he succeeded. But, either way, no it doesn't matter – hardly anyone else has either (hell Schwartz didn't before he decided to make it a family musical – and you can tell) and anyway, Elphaba's less like the angsty teenage girl that you all joined this section for because you identified with her. Plus Fiyero is way less hot (although the blue diamonds are quite sexy).
NB: If the author's being pseudo intellectual they might insert a bookverse reference or two into their fic – this reference will (without exception) be one of the following: Fiyero's blue diamonds, "blue diamonds on a green field", the nicknames Fae and Yero, the names of various minor characters, Elphie and Glinda having a sexy carriage ride, Elphaba being allergic to water, Avaric being a student and a dick. But, basically, if you don't scar your readers with mentioning the Philosophy Club (if you don't know why that's disturbing don't ask…) then you're doing ok.
Q: I haven't seen "The Wizard of Oz" since I was a kid, should I watch again?
A: Only if you want an evening off writing to shout abuse at Dorothy or to annoy the people you're watching with by making innuendoes about Gelphie or Fiyeraba tension that you're sure you can see.
Q: What innuendoes?
A: Like "Oh yeah, the scarecrow likes a bit of fire from that Wicked Witch," or "Oh I bet the Wicked Witch just wants to pop Glinda's pink bubble". Most effective way to make everyone in the room give you evils – trust me.
Q: I haven't read, "The Wizard of Oz" or any of its sequels, should I be worried?
A: No. No one has. And the book has sequels?
NB: it actually has over 60 including ones where Dorothy and the Wizard return to Oz – I bet you didn't know that did you?
Q: I haven't watched RENT…
A: …Wait WHAT? This is blasphemy I tell you BLASPHEMY! Go buy the movie/see the play/watch it illegally online, right now, I don't want to see your face (like, you know, virtually) until it's done. How could you possibly think you could join this section when you haven't watched a play about loads of people having AIDS whose OBC has some of the same actors as Wicked in?! Sweet Oz, kids these days…
Step 2: Choose a ship
Q: Erm… the Titanic?
A: lol no, like a pairing ship, and sorry Fiyeressa shippers there's only two options at this stage, Fiyeraba or Gelphie.
Q: Fiyerthingy and Gelwhat?
A: Clearly you do not understand the noble art of name smooshing. Basically we take two characters names and mash them together – we think it's really clever (mostly because we spend too much time behind computer screens).
Q: Can't I ship both sides? Gelfiyeraba sounds awesome!
A: lol no.
Q: OK I've chosen my ship! What now?
A: OBSESS! Seriously think about it night and day, read fanfic for it, doodle pictures of your preferred couple in your school books, sing their duets (both sides, unless you can goad one of your unfortunate remaining friends to do it with you), put posters of them up in your room. Paint your room blue and green or pink and green, fantasise about them having sex when you're in your maths class…
Q: Done! My friends have all abandoned me because I was being weird and obsessive and comparing everything to my ship, but it's totally worth it! When do we start fighting the opposing ship? I have all my weapons ready!
A: Umm… yeah… we don't. The Wicked section are a lovely set of really unconfrontational people. We take the "there's no such thing as other ships" approach ie: if you see a story that isn't your ship you ignore it, wipe it from your mind, pretend it doesn't exist! You will never mix with those weird members who ship differently to you! One day you may find you actually agree with this opposing ship, don't worry, happens to all of us – what you do then is write a oneshot with that pairing, all your normal reviewers will read it and applaud you on how radical and unusual the ship is. Really.
Step 3: Choose a secondary ship
Q: Umm… why?
A: Isn't it obvious? So you know whether to let Glinda be happy with Boq or if you need to write in an OC for her to marry in her joint wedding with Elphaba and Fiyero.
So yeah, in reality you pretty much have a choice of Gloq or Bessa – or a really weird ship.
Q: I ship Gelphie. Do I need to write an OC for Fiyero to marry?
A: No, don't worry, by the time the Gelphie wedding comes round Fiyero will have already revealed his true colours as an evil murdering criminal mastermind rapist and Elphaba will have brutally murdered him (but for good).
Q: I want to ship Flinda.
A: Firstly, that's not a question – pay more attention in school. Secondly, well you can, but you're on your own, because it sort of clashes with every other pairing in the universe, except Bessa, I suppose you could do Bessa. Still that leaves Elphaba single and kind of defeats the object of fantasying that you're Elphaba and having sexiitimes with the hot guy/girl. I mean there's Elphaboq, but Boq? Really? And Elphessa – well the Supernatural section seem fond of their Wincest… But at the end of the day it doesn't really matter – no one reads Flindas.
Q: I don't want Fiyero or Galinda as Elphaba's love interest! What do I do?
A: Elphaba/Avaric – Elphric. The answer to everything.
Q: Who's Avaric?
A: You don't know who Avaric is? What planet have you been living on? He's the sixth ranger of the Shiz group! A completely essential character! He's even mentioned by name and got a line in the musical… as Fiyero's carriage driver… not that he is much in fanfic land but still – you should know him!
Step Four: Make a profile
Q: I need a penname! What do I call myself?
A: Well given you're going to be a Wicked Author now you need something to sound professional and original! But of course, make sure everyone knows you are a Wicked Author and love only Wicked (and your OTP) and now have no personality aside from fangirling over a show, you must make it Wicked relevant! Or at least musical relevant – because now you like Wicked you must become a total theatre geek! Also make sure it can be shortened to a cute nickname – so you can then tell your fandom friends to call you that!
Q: Done! Now what do I write in my profile?
A: Depends on your age. If you're 12 I suggest you read through other people's profiles and find funny bits – copy and paste them into your own profile and, once your profile is longer than 5000 words, you're done! Also make sure you have the "fight against stereotypes" bit on your profile it's very important to let everyone know that you fight against assumptions against yourself like "you're a virgin so you MUST be a prude" and "you're green so you MUST be a Wicked Witch".
If you're a little older you may want to look old and wise by having a short profile. But still be sure to put in your pairing (you wouldn't want to be thought of as a shipper of the other side – given you're pretending they don't exist) insist your name is the nickname version of your penname (or Elphaba) and add a deep and mysterious comment about your age – like "old enough" or "why do you wanna know you pervs?!"
Although really it doesn't actually matter – no one reads profiles – they just look at the number of copy and pastes you have and judge you.
Q: Finished! Am I ready to write now?
A: Nearly, young munchkin, but not quite yet, first you need to know your characters…