Erin knocked softly on the door of Spencer's apartment. She knew that he had flown out to join his team on a case not two weeks after he had lost his girlfriend, and she was worried about his mental health. This was the second time Alpha team had faced a tragedy of this nature and, much though she hated to admit it, she was worried about them.

"Go away, Garcia. I'm not in the mood today," she heard from behind the door and she took a deep breath before knocking once more. "I said, I'm not in the mood."

"It's not Ms. Garcia, Dr. Reid. Please, let me in."

It took a moment, but finally the door opened and she stepped inside. She felt like she was walking into the New York Public Library, what with the hardcover books lining the wall and the dim lighting. "What can I do for you?" he asked, his voice flat and emotionless as he looked at a spot on her shoulder.

"I wanted to talk for a little bit."

He let out a mirthless laugh. "Come to gawk at the grieving widower, Chief Strauss?"

Erin shook her head. "No, I've honestly come to find out how you are. May I please have a glass of water?" Her small request seemed to catch him off guard and he nodded, going into the kitchen. "And do you mind if I take a seat on the sofa?"

"Go right ahead, make yourself at home." She chose to ignore the sarcasm in his voice and gingerly sat on the sofa, waiting for him to return. "So, what is it that you want to talk about, Ma'am?"

"You. How are you really doing, Spencer?"

He handed her the glass of water before sitting down next to her, clasping his hands over his knees. "I've already talked with the psychologist and been given the green light to return, if that's what your worried about, Erin."

She smiled a little at his use of her first name. "No, that's not what I'm worried about, though I doubt any on your team would ever fail that test. You all have a hand in the updates of it every year, after all."

"Maybe Garcia. She has no subterfuge, at all." A tiny smile flickered across his face and she smiled in return. "I couldn't save her. I thought that I could fool Diane, trick her into believing I had forsaken Maeve. I couldn't act well enough. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? We're supposed to be able to read an unsub and talk them down off the ledge. And I failed her. I hesitated. And then, and then…"

Spencer's voice trailed off as he started to cry softly and she felt her own eyes well up in sympathy. After taking a sip of water, she set the glass aside and then reached out to cover his hands with one of her own. He looked up at her, and she sucked in a deep breath at how hollow his eyes looked. "And how are the cravings, Spencer?"

"I'm keeping them at bay, so far. It's been rough these last few days, though. I don't know why. It's been a little over three weeks. I just can't find a way to start over, it seems. I don't want to put myself out there."

"You want to close your heart off from further hurts. I might only understand one iota of what you're going through, but that would be it. Did you ever read C. S. Lewis?"

"Mom read me the Chronicles of Narnia. But I never really went back to read the rest of his works. Why?"

"He has this wonderful quote about love, and how it is only when we are vulnerable that we are able to love. If you have time, you should read The Four Loves. It has helped me immensely, ever since Dave and I broke up." She broke off, looking down at their entwined hands. "But you don't want to hear about that, it's such a boring, obvious, story."

A few of the tears that filled her eyes spilled down her cheeks and she resisted the urge to wipe them away, not wanting to call attention to her own petty sorrows in the face of his tragedy. "Tell me. Tell me a story about love."

"I wish I had a perfect one to tell you."

"Love isn't perfect. It's messy and it hurts. But I know now, how much it is worth." Spencer threaded his fingers with hers and held on to her hand tightly. "Tell me, please."

Finally, she nodded. "I had just gotten out of rehab and David helped me pick up the pieces of my life. Alan left me, years ago, and so I yearned for that gentle care he showed me. I foolishly let myself fall in love with him and made plans for a future. And our first few months were so sweet."

"What happened to change that?"

"He called my Carolyn. I look nothing like her, Spencer, and yet, in the middle of sex, he would start calling me by her name. I told him what he was doing, and he tried to change, but it still happened. You can't live with a ghost, there's no competing with that." She looked up into his eyes, seeing her sorrow reflected there. "Please, when you find your next love, tell her about Maeve, but do not compare her to Maeve. It will only break her heart when she realizes she can't live up to a dead woman."

He nodded, a soft look crossing his features as he reached up to brush away the tears the wetted her cheeks. "I will try to keep that in mind, Erin." She nodded before nuzzling her face against his hand, relishing the warmth that seeped into her skin from his hand. "Would you mind if I kissed you?"

The request was so out of the blue that she stiffened, staring into his eyes. There was no malice there, not that she had expected any, but the small flicker of desire was shocking to her. "Why would you want to kiss me?"

"To comfort you. You've seemed sad lately, like me, and I, I just want to disappear into someone else for a short time. Garcia is lovely, but she can get on my nerves at times."

"I know how that can be, I've had friends like that before. But what about the others? Surely there is someone else in your life that you would rather do this with."

"Not that I can think of. I need one moment of time where I forget about the outside world, and here you are. Are you willing?"

She closed her eyes as she thought about his proposition. It would be nice to have an afternoon of pleasure, no strings attached sex with a man young enough to be her son, even if barely so. And yet, she was afraid of the aftermath. "I might be. Would you be able to not hold this against me? Would you still respect me afterwards?"

Erin couldn't look up at him, she was afraid to see his rejection there. "Look at me, Erin." Slowly, her eyes slid open and met his once more. "I will still respect you. We've both fought against bitter demons that almost destroyed us, and yet here we are, standing tall. How could I hold something like finding comfort with another against you?"

Hesitantly, she nodded, reaching out to place her hand over his heart. "All right, yes. I will let you kiss me, and we will see where this leads." He covered her hand as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. For some reason, all she could think of was paper, the soft paper that had been lovingly worn over many years of reading, as he kissed her. Gently, she pressed back and purred a little as he dug his fingers into her hair, holding her close to him.

The kiss seemed to go on for the longest time as he pushed her back against the couch, running his hand up and down her side, his thumb brushing against her breast, teasing her with feather light touches. Erin arched up into his hand, wanting to get closer to him. "What do you say, will you let me lead you further?"

She was breathing heavily, staring up into his eyes. He was smiling, she could tell by the way the corner of his eyes crinkled, and she smiled back, nodding imperceptibly. He reached up and ran his thumb along her cheekbone. "Let's take this to the bedroom then."

"All right, Spencer." He sat up and helped her to her feet, leading her along. The lighting in his room was even softer and she breathed in deeply. The scent of old books was even more pronounced here and she loved the sensation of being wrapped in words even as she was being wrapped up in his arms. Again, he kissed her, letting it deepen this time as his hands came to rest on her ass.

For the first time, she noticed that his touches were unsure, hesitant, and she wondered how much experience he had. Deciding to test him, she ran her tongue along the seam of his lips, hoping he would let her in. As his lips parted, she slid her tongue inside, caressing his, urging him to push back. Finally, he got the hint and began to duel with her. Moaning a little, she pressed her body closer to his, letting her hands roam up and down his back.

His erection pressed against her stomach and she sucked in a breath as she felt how big he was. She knew that he would be comparable to David and was glad that he would fit with her. Erin smiled against his lips as she fumbled with the buckle on his belt. Once it was undone, she undid his pants and pushed them down his legs. Breaking their kiss, she stepped back and looked at the way his boxers tented out. "Erin," he whined and she cocked her head.

"How many?"

"How many what? Oh. One. Austin. She, she didn't mind my awkwardness."

"And I won't either." She reached up and stroked his cheek lightly. "Is there anything you're more comfortable with? Or would you like me to lead?"

He shrugged a little, a bright flush staining his cheeks. "We just sort of let things take their course. We didn't really talk about it."

"Ah, I see." Erin reached up and tugged her blouse from her skirt before quickly undoing the buttons, letting it slide to the floor. His breathing hitched a little as he stared at her chest. The pearl colored bra that she'd worn to the office that morning did little to conceal the fact that her nipples were already tight buds and she ran her hands over them, pinching them lightly even as he watched.

She went to unzip her skirt when his control snapped. He reached out and grabbed her wrist lightly before using his free hand to run the zipper down her side. And then they were standing before each other in only their underwear. "Erin, may I take your bra off?" She nodded and stepped closer to him. Spencer reached behind her back and fumbled with the clasp before finally undoing it, tugging it off her arms and chest. He hung onto her shoulders as he knelt before her, resting his head on her stomach as he slid his hands around to cup her breasts, thumbing her nipples softly.

Her breathing began to pick up as she felt desire pool in core. "I want to feel your lips here, Spencer," she said breathlessly, tugging on his hair to bring his lips close to her breasts. He nodded and pressed his lips against the underside of one heavy breast, snaking his tongue out to lap at the tiny bit of sweat that had begun to pearl on her skin. "Oh, god, Spencer, right there."

He let out a steady stream of air and Erin bit her lip as her knees weakened. She staggered against him and he easily caught her, guiding her over to his bed and helping her down onto it. "I don't know how much longer I can hold out, Erin. My first time with Austin was really short, too." She could hear the embarrassment in his voice and she nodded, shimmying out of her panties as he took off his boxers. "One second."

"Take all the time you need, Spencer," she said lowly, skimming her hand down her body to thumb her clit lazily while she watched him fumble with the condom wrapper and finally roll it on. "Let me tell you a secret. David still has trouble with condoms, too. I don't think many of his lovers ever made him wear one."

His shoulder visibly relaxed until he looked up at her. "Oh, Erin, oh." She nodded and held up her arms, letting him sink into her willing body. She made no comment when he got off before she did, only holding him close as he began to cry once more that afternoon.

"You did fine, Spencer," she whispered in her ear, even as her hips continued to move absently, even as her body tried to find completion. Closing her eyes, she kissed him sweetly, her hand drifting down to once more tease herself, giving herself a quick orgasm. Her arms tightened around his waist and pulled him close to her, letting him cry. Her own tears soon joined his and they held each other tightly.

"Why are you crying?" he finally asked as he turned them.

Erin sprawled her body across his, her arm still curled around his waist. "I think I missed this, this communing of souls. I'm sure that sounds so silly to you, that you know every scientific reason behind why sex can be so amazing, but I just have my feelings to describe this. And it was so sweet and lovely."

"Even though I failed?"
"You can't fail at sex. You just haven't had enough experience, and that is totally fine. You didn't hurt me, Spencer." She let go of his waist to reach up and cup his cheek. "Oh, please believe me, you did fine."

Finally, he nodded and she used her thumb to flick away some of his tears. He smiled a little at her and she smiled back. "So, what does Rossi do that drove you wild?"

She felt a blush stain her cheeks as she cuddled in close to him. "He knew that I like having my breasts focused on. Not all women like that, though, so you have to listen to what she wants. And my clitoris is extremely sensitive. I can't take much stimulation there, like some women can." It was strangely freeing to talk to him like this, knowing that he wouldn't reveal any of what they spoke about.

"Austin asked me to go down on her. She seemed to enjoy that. Do you?"

"Not really, no. But then, I was never very adventurous when it came to sex. The most creative I ever got was letting Alan and David…" She let her voice trail off, not ready to reveal such an intimate piece of information about herself to anyone else. "I'm sorry. That's something I want to keep to myself."

"That's fine, Erin." He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and she sighed. "Austin did the same thing when I kissed her there. I never got to kiss Maeve, you know. Diane stole that from us, too."

She nodded against his chest, fighting the yawn that wanted to escape her body. He must have felt it, though, since he rubbed her back gently. "I was hoping you wouldn't mind my suggesting we take a nap before I fix us something to eat. Crying exhausts me."

"Me as well." She breathed in the scent of stale sweat and sex, comforted by the fact that it anchored her here, to this moment. It was not how she had imagined her afternoon ending, but it wasn't something she regretted, either. She hadn't been looking for a cure, but in his arms, she had found something to heal a broken piece of her heart.