Broken

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Ahsoka dragged herself out of the Jedi Council chambers, eyes downcast, trying to keep in all the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks.

She's done it again; disobeyed him.

Everyone in the Council had glared at her disapprovingly, their eyes hard and full of what Ahsoka saw as hatred. Even Master Plo had a disappointed look on his face, and Master Plo was usually always cheerful.

Anakin had stood next to her, glaring at her every time she answered one of the Council's questions. Ahsoka had seen him out of the corner of her glistening blue eyes, and she avoided his eyes as best she could. She didn't want to see the disappointment and hatred that they held.

The guilt and hurt was unbearable. It was her fault. Usually Anakin would try and take the blame for her mistakes, but this time, he could not take the blame because he knew it was all Ahsoka's fault. He let the blame sit on her shoulders, where it belonged.

The Padawan swallowed hard, still holding back the tears. If she hadn't of disobeyed his orders, everything would have been fine. Rex wouldn't have gotten injured, clones wouldn't have died, and Anakin wouldn't want to get rid of her.

Orders. That's all she had to do; just follow orders. She couldn't even do a simple task like that.

"Ahsoka Tano, get back here, now." Ahsoka heard a very angry Anakin yell.

She swallowed again and blinked away the tears as best as she could. She wouldn't cry, she couldn't cry, not in front of Anakin. She wouldn't show weakness.

"Ahsoka," Anakin growled as he caught up with his Padawan, grabbing her arm, "I am very disappointed in you. Over three quarters of our clones are dead, and the ones who aren't are injured. That mission was important. This loss could help the Separatists win the war! All you needed to do was follow orders, but you screwed that up as well, didn't you?"

That had hurt. That had really, really hurt. Those words had just added to the pain she was already in, and the Padawan immediately felt more guilt. She felt like she could collapse; just fall over and die.

"I'm…sorry…" Ahsoka didn't know what else to say. What else could she possibly say? Beg for forgiveness, maybe? Get down on her knees with her hands clasped together?

"Yeah, well sorry idn't good enough, is it? Saying sorry won't bring back all those dead clones, will it?" Anakin snarled, releasing her arm and storming off, quite like an annoyed teenager who couldn't get their way.

Ahsoka held her arm delicately where Anakin had gripped her arm. It'd leave a bruise for sure. If he'd squeezed it any harder it could have done some real damage.

She just stood there, holding her arm and staring at Anakin's retreating form. She'd done it now. He'd never trust her again. The Togruta sighed to herself. She decided that there was no point of trying to apologise, no point of begging for forgiveness. There was no way anyone would forgive her for what she'd done.

The guilt was eating away at her. All she could think about was the explosions, the cries of pain, the dead, lifeless bodies…all the destruction and pain caused by her…because she couldn't follow orders.

Ahsoka stopped walking when she reached the door of her and Anakin's shared quarters. She sighed again quietly, hoping her wasn't there. She didn't want to see the disappointment in his eyes.

It was strange, in a way. When she had first become his Padawan – which was over two years ago now – all she wanted to do was make him proud of her; she wanted to earn his trust and respect.

Hesitantly, she opened the door.

Empty. No one was there. Ahsoka went straight to her room and locked the door behind her after it had shut. Two tears had already slipped down her cheeks. She threw the covers of her bed to the side and climbed in, curling herself up as much as she could, desperate to just disappear, to leave and never come back. She pulled the light covers over her, burying herself in them. She couldn't hold the tears back now. They leaked from her eyes and dripped onto her pillow. After twenty minutes or so, the young Padawan drifted off to sleep with a soaking pillow and tear stained cheeks.

... … … … … … … ..

Ahsoka awoke with a scream. She'd had a nightmare. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, though, it was just a replay of yesterday's events. Ahsoka had thought that in the morning she'd feel better, however, she didn't, she felt worse. She Padawan sat up and pulled her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees and wrapping her arms around her thin legs. She let out a shaky breath. What was she going to do? She decided she was too much of coward to go and find her Master.

Back soaked with sweat, she stood up on shaky legs, gritting her teeth. She quickly glanced at the chrono. 11AM. That was a lot later than when she usually woke up. Oh well, she highly doubted anyone would want to see her.

Ahsoka realised that she hadn't eaten a lot lately. She hadn't eaten anything the day before. Of course she hadn't; she had been too depressed and worried to even think about eating.

Ahsoka sighed and dressed slowly; she really didn't want to do anything today. All she wanted to do was curl up in a corner and never be spoken to again.

As she made her way to the mess hall, she kept the hood of her cloak up, walking in the shadows, where, hopefully, no one would notice her.

In the mess hall she only picked up a small bottle of water and a sandwich that she didn't even want. She wasn't hungry, but she had to eat or she'd get ill.

Sitting at the table in the corner, she took a small bite of her sandwich. She nibbled on it for a minute, then decided that she really didn't want it.

It was then that Ahsoka realised that the mess hall was half empty. Ahsoka felt her chest tighten… All the clones that were usually in the mess at this time weren't there because they were dead… and it was all because of her.

Ahsoka looked down at her food again. She just couldn't eat it…she didn't feel like eating at all. The Togruta got up out of her seat, keeping her eyes looking downwards and tossed her food in the trash, gripping the bottle of water in her free hand.

Ahsoka could feel the clones staring at her. They were probably talking about her before she came to the mess hall.

She honestly couldn't take it anymore. The guilt and hurt was eating away at her, she felt like it was killing her. Voices filled her head, telling her how pathetic and worthless she was…they told her that she was unwanted and unloved… And Ahsoka agreed with them. She ruined everything, she just couldn't do anything right.

She wished that she could go back in time…she wished that Master Plo had never discovered her. She wished that she was never even born. If she had never been alive, people wouldn't have died because of her stupid mistakes.

The depressed Padawan trudged back to her quarters. A small part of her hoped that Anakin would be there, because she had been feeling incredibly lonely. No one had spoken to her since the day before. However, the other part of her, the larger and much stronger part, hoped, prayed even, that Anakin wasn't there. He was still angry at her, she knew it.

Ahsoka took a deep breath before she answered the door. It was empty, as expected. She let a very small sigh of relief.

Ahsoka couldn't stop all the hateful voices inside her head. Voices…it was all she could hear. They were ringing inside her montrals, playing over and over again. They told her how she was a failure, that she always had been and always would be. They said that she couldn't do anything right and that she was an embarrassment to the Jedi Order and that they all hated her.

They even told her that she should kill herself. No one would even care, they had said.

She put her hands over her head, trying to stop them, to make them shut up. They were hurting her, causing her so much pain. They told her things about herself that she shouldn't believe, but she agreed with them; she agreed with everything they said about her.

She was worthless, like they had said, she was pathetic.

Ahsoka walked over to her dresser hurriedly, blinking hard. She opened one of the small drawers.

She reached right to the back of the drawer and pulled out a small knife. It was something she had had for a while. Taking a trembling breath, Ahsoka took off the glove on her left arm and held the sharp, silver blade to her forearm. She took another breath, pressed down, and slowly drew the blade across her arm.

The Togruta hissed quietly in pain. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but that was good. That's what she wanted; physical pain.

However, just one cut wasn't enough.

She did more. Some small and shallow, other long and deep, leaking out crimson blood. Soon, her entire forearm was covered in cuts, blood dripping off her arm.

Ahsoka sighed in relief. She felt a lot better now. The voices had stopped, but Ahsoka had a feeling they'd return soon. Smiling lightly at her throbbing arm, she hid the knife in the back of the drawer again.

She had promised herself that she'd never hurt herself like that again. The first time she had ever done something like that was when she had failed her Master on the mission to Ryloth, when she had gotten all her men killed. She had promised herself that she'd never do this kind of thing again, but she had broken that promise now.

The Padawan made her way back into the bathroom and cleaned up her arm. The cuts started to sting madly when the warm, soothing water hit them, but that only made Ahsoka feel better. The physical pain drowned out the emotion pain.

When the bleeding had finally stopped, Ahsoka examined her work. The cuts were angry red, some were just small, thin lines. Though, others were wide, deep wounds. A couple may even need stitches.

Ahsoka sighed again in relief, pulling on her glove.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. She stiffened; what if it was Anakin?

She quickly looked around; at the floors, the walls, everywhere. Luckily there was no blood on the floor. Trembling slightly, she opened the door.

"Ahsoka." It was Master Kenobi.

Ahsoka avoided his eyes. He must hate her too. "Master Obi-Wan," she mumbled quietly, bowing a little. Ahsoka assumed that he wasn't here to see her, "If you're looking for Master Skywalker, he isn't here." She said, still looking at the ground.

"I wasn't looking for Anakin anyway, young one. I came here to see you." He looked down at her. Why wasn't she looking at him? It was like she had suddenly developed a great fear of him or something.

"Oh, right." She said awkwardly. Why was he here to see her, of all people?

"May I come in, Ahsoka?" He asked.

Ahsoka nodded and stepped aside so he could come inside. She sat down on the couch and the Jedi Master sat in the plump armchair that was opposite the couch.

The two Jedi sat there in complete silence. The only things that could be heard was their breathing. Ahsoka felt like she had so much to say but she just couldn't say it. She wanted to apologise for being such a failure, she wanted to say sorry for all the death's she had caused.

"How are you doing, Ahsoka? No one has seen you much since you and Anakin returned yesterday." Obi-Wan looked concerned and slightly worried for the Padawan.

Ahsoka shrugged. Her arm still stung, but it felt amazing.

"You said Anakin isn't here. Why isn't he? I don't think he has any assignments today."

Again, the Padawan just shrugged. She felt like saying, 'He hates me, that's why he's not here." But all that came out was, "He's mad at me."

"Why is that, Ahsoka?"

"Because I disobeyed him." She still avoided his grey/blue eyes, speaking quietly.

Obi-Wan could sense all the pain Ahsoka was in. He could feel that she was desperately trying to control her raging emotions. However, he could not hear all the cruel voices that were inside her head. He could tell just by looking at her that she thought that he was angry at her too.

"Ahsoka, I'm not mad at you, you know." He said gently.

Ahsoka kept quiet. He had to be lying, he had to be. She frowned slightly; everyone was mad at her, everyone hated her.

"Ahsoka," Obi-Wan said quietly, "please talk to me."

Still, silence. The Master started to get worried. All the deaths were hitting her a lot harder than he had expected.

"At least look at me?"

The Togruta sighed silently and slowly drew her eyes up and looked at him.

Obi-Wan looked at her sadly. She had very visible bags under her eyes from lack of sleep (and maybe even nightmares) and her eyes looked dead. They didn't have that determined sparkle anymore, they didn't shine like they used to. Her eyes held a look or pure sadness and guilt and hurt. "I'm guessing you haven't been sleeping well?"

Again, the Togruta just shrugged. "Not really…"

Just as Obi-Wan was opened his mouth to say something else, the comlink on his wrist beeped, He took one last glance at the Padawan and then held his wrist up to his mouth. "General Kenobi, here."

"Ah, Obi-Wan." It was Anakin. Obi-Wan looked at Ahsoka quickly. She had visibly stiffened up, and she was staring at the ground again. What did she find so interesting about the floor?! "Can you meet me outside my quarters in five minutes please? I want to speak to you about something."

"Of course, Anakin, I'll see you soon." He switched off the comm. He noticed that Ahsoka was still silent. Obi-Wan thought for a moment. He sensed fear in Ahsoka. After a minute, he realised that she was scared of how disappointed Anakin was in her. She feared she wasn't good enough to be his apprentice. He'd never seen her so quiet before. It was so strange yet heart breaking at the same time. Ahsoka was never quiet. She was usually so happy and cheerful…she just seemed dead now.

"Ahsoka…it wasn't your fault." Obi-Wan said gently. He needed her to know that people wouldn't hate her forever because of just one mistake.

Ahsoka moved her head up to look at the Master. For the first time of the day, she looked him straight in the eye. "Yes, Master Kenobi, it was all my fault. Everyone knows it, so you don't have to lie to try and make me feel any better…it won't work anyway. I know that it was all my fault and that I deserve to be punished."

Obi-wan didn't know how to reply. He hadn't expected that kind of reply from her. Ahsoka truly believed that it was her fault. She thought she deserved to be punished.

Somebody knocked on the door.

Ahsoka – already knowing exactly who it was – got up and mumbled a small "bye master" and went into her quarters and locked the door.

"Master Obi-Wan?" Anakin's voice sounded.

"I'm in here, Anakin." His former Master replied.

"Oh, you're here already? Who let you in?"

"You're Padawan."

Anakin's face changed slightly, "Oh, I didn't know she was here."

"Well, she does live here, Anakin. Now, what did you want to speak to me about?"

"Ahsoka," The Jedi Knight said, sitting down in the exact same place his Padawan had recently been sitting. "I just don't know what to do with her, Obi-Wan. She's causing everyone so much trouble. She's disobeying orders and getting many men killed…"

"Anakin, you know Ahsoka doesn't mean to cause trouble…she's extremely upset about everything that's happened. She says that it was all her fault." Obi-Wan said.

"But, Obi-Wan, you weren't there, she disobeyed orders and got so many men killed. Rex could have died! All of the clones who actually survived could have died! Look, Obi-Wan, I'm sorry, but it was her fault, and I'm not going to try and take the blame for her failure. Not this time." He said, raising his voice slightly.

"Anakin, you have to understand that even if it was her fault, she shouldn't think that it was her fault. She's a teenager who's fighting in a war; she's already got enough weight on her shoulders."

"But Obi-Wan," Anakin argued, "she's brought this on herself. All this wouldn't have happened if she had just obeyed my orders. Why don't other Masters have to deal with this?!"

Little did the Jedi Warriors know, Ahsoka could hear every word of their conversation. Tears filled her eyes again. See, she was right, it was all her fault.

She didn't understand why Obi-Wan was sticking up for her. Why would you stick up for someone who just got hundreds of people killed?

"Remember, Anakin. You were once my Padawan and you disobeyed me many times."

"That's different, Obi-Wan. We weren't fighting in a war when I was a Padawan. She needs to learn how to obey orders. Maybe then she'll earn my trust again."

… … … … … … … …

Okay, everyone, I'm so so sorry I haven't updated any of my stories in like, forever. My depression is getting a lot, lot worse. And I had to wipe my whooollleee laptop so all my doc's got wiped. My other Grandad is also dying and there's lots of other stuff going on as well, but I'm trying my best to write.

The reason I wrote this story (which is going to be a two/three shot) is because I'm a cutter. I've been cutting for a year now. I started cutting on the 23/01/12. So it's a year today. I know its kinda graphic and you may not like this kinda thing, but I felt like I had to write this. I guess it kinda means something to me, you know?

Please review and tell me what you think? I'll try and have the next chapter up soon.

Thanks guys!