tell me something worthwhile

"Sorry!" Satoshi says when he forgets to bring the math notes she lent him over the weekend.

"Sorry," he chimes when he nearly bumps into her.

"Sorry," he repeats, over and over again, for everything he does.

Mayaka has come to hate the word 'sorry' when it comes out of Satoshi's mouth. It isn't even because he uses it so often and so casually around her. It's the fact that that's the only thing he knows how to say. When their hands brush each other's, when he looks at her for too long and doesn't have any reason to explain it, when he stands too close, when she tells him she likes him for the second time that week – an apology just tumbles out of Satoshi, instinctive, defensive, promising nothing to her except for the fact that he will say it again the next time he needs to.

At the same time, Mayaka has come to expect 'sorry's from Satoshi. She can hit his shoulder with all her might, she can yell at him over the smallest thing, she can cry when she can't take anything anymore – and she knows that he will always be there to say 'sorry' to her, even when it isn't his fault. Satoshi doesn't know how to do anything else. It's both something Mayaka hates yet relies on.

Because, as long as Satoshi continues to say 'sorry', it means that they can stay as they are, stuck on the steady, barren ground between being friends and something more. Mayaka can throw the entire library at him, and he'll still be there to smile at her and give her an ambiguous answer to her feelings. She lets Satoshi do this. One day during lunch, as Oreki and Chi-chan talk about splitting their portions evenly, Mayaka realises that between her and Satoshi, she's the worse person.

"Sorry," Satoshi says one day when he holds her hand for too long. They've forgotten why he's holding it in the first place. His fingers are soft and careful, made for sewing. Her fingers are coarse, their small blisters the result of too many nights spent drawing.

Mayaka shakes his grip off and frowns as she pivots on her heel to face him.

"Save it," she tells him and herself before storming off.

"Sorry," Satoshi tries again the next day during Classics Club.

Mayaka sits upright in the chair and flips through her book, keeping her eyes glued to the paragraph she's trekking through.

Then, she raises a hand to knock his forehead lightly.

On Graduation Day, Satoshi looks different. Though he walks with his usual carefree gait and his smile is bright, Mayaka thinks that something is bothering him. She writes it off as graduation blues. Almost all of the third years are suffering from it. Oreki doesn't show his non-Chi-chan emotions easily, but even he seems wistful as they line up in the auditorium for the ceremony: hands deep in his pockets, chin tucked, looking off into the distance. Chi-chan carries herself evenly, but her smile is touched with sadness.

In her designated chair, sitting next to her classmates, Mayaka feels the emotions approach her in waves. At moments, she's stricken with sadness and longing, then, the next minute, excitement for the future, then, a second later, everything dries up, and indifference is the only thing she can feel when the principal finishes his speech. The students clap their hands, sing the school anthem, take their certificates, bow, and graduate.

Satoshi gestures to her through the crowd of students (some crying, others celebrating) streaming out of the auditorium when the ceremony is over. Mayaka inhales sharply and feels her chest tighten, but her feet guide her towards him either way. They zigzag through their peers and end up behind the auditorium. Mayaka clenches her hand when they're completely alone. She hides it behind her back to prevent Satoshi from seeing it.

"What did you want to talk about, Fuku-chan?" Mayaka prepares herself.

"We're in different classes, so I didn't get a chance to tell you personally earlier, but, congratulations on graduating, Mayaka," he laughs, extending his palm to her.

It's not what she what she wants to hear, but it's what she's expecting. She unclenches her hand to take his, and they shake. "You too," she says automatically.

Mayaka realises that this is the last time Satoshi can hold her hand and pretend that he doesn't mean anything when he does it. Next month, they'll be packing their rooms into suitcases and moving off to different universities. Next year, they'll be in completely different places, with completely different people. His hand is warm and something she wants to keep safe. When he starts to let go, Mayaka doesn't let him.

"Fuku-chan, I'm going to miss you," she finds herself saying.

"We can text each other any time. And we're going to mail letters to each other, right? I'm planning to send one to everyone every week or so. Houtarou's probably not going to reply to any of them, but I'm going to mail stuff to him too. He'd be lonely otherwise. Chitanda-san also promised to keep in touch, remember? Don't worry, Mayaka! We'll always be – " he stops abruptly. She stares at him.

"We'll always be what?" she asks. Friends?

Satoshi closes his mouth, pressing his lips together. His smile slowly disappears, and he looks serious for once. Mayaka thinks, 'I shouldn't have said that. I'm ruining everything again'. She closes her eyes and tells herself not to raise her voice, not to push and shove him into a corner, because she's always doing that and she doesn't know how he can take it. She doesn't know why Satoshi can still smile at her after all they've done to each other. She doesn't know why he's holding her hand and why he's stepping closer to her now.

He's the one that erases the distance between them but she's the one that reaches up for the kiss. Their hands, awkward but still gripping tightly, wedge between them. She doesn't manage to stay on her toes and Satoshi bends slightly to accommodate her, pushing instead of being pushed for once, and it makes her fingers curl against his uniform. He only snaps out of it when Mayaka pulls back to breathe and stop her knees from shaking.

Satoshi doesn't move for a moment. Then, he opens his mouth, taking a breath.

"Sor– "

She slaps a hand over his mouth. She won't let him say it this time.

Mayaka lowers her head to hide her face.

"Thank you."

notes: my favourite past time is writing variations of their graduation day kiss AW YEAH -`д´- I have no clue what I'm doing. The only thing I know is that in my headcanon they will always have their first kiss on Graduation Day.

Let it end in angst, ambiguity, happiness, marriage, more kisses etc WHATEVER MAN, THANK YOU EVERYONE BYE.

Also I have the habit of ignoring the fact that they apparently start dating in Volume 5, canonically. I KNOW BUT WOW I just really like the idea that they know each other's feelings but can't/won't/don't know what to do with each other, even up to the end of high school, and are stuck in a limbo, ok ;A; I think Mayaka's answer ("Things have been normal.") in episode 22 made this happen. I can't unthink it, I can't unheadcanon it.