Chapter 6
In which hot girls have problems.

ooo

The battle against ASSFACE was short and uneventful. Feraligatr quickly finished off the Bayleef and high-fived Ethan. Then he fist-pumped that high-five right in Silver's face.

"Fuck off!" shouted Silver, glaring at both of them. He was having a bit more trouble with his game's rival, Silvera.

It was not very fun battling a Zubat against a Zubat.

"Poor R-Battz," said Ethan.

ooo

"Where to now, mister I'm-Looking-Up-Walkthroughs-Online? You cheater."

"It's not cheating, it's efficiency," said Silver. He scrolled down on his Pokegear. "The next place to go is Ilex Forest."

"Woo!" said Ethan, even though he was not quite sure what he was cheering for. "That's where I got my Oddish from… hey, I should go and see if he wants to watch!"

And so he did. Feraligatr stomped out after him.

ooo

Exactly six minutes later, Ethan burst into the room clutching a confused-looking Bellossom.

"Ta-da!"

"Bell!" chirped Bellossom, waving his stubby arms around. "Bell?"

"We're going into the Ilex Forest," Ethan told him. "I'm going to try and get an Oddish there."

"Yes, yes," said Silver impatiently. "Hurry up so we can start this Forest journey, then."

"Oooohh, I've gotta release Rocky first. Rocky sucks."

"I'm sure you remember that he was the only reason you won your Bugsy badge."

"Hive badge."

"Whichever. I don't care."

"I'm very proud of his achievement," said Ethan, "but he just has to go! I'm sure he'll be happier out in the wild, anyway. He'd never fit in with BIGBOY and K-STEW. They would just be too radical for him."

"… please stop saying the word 'radical'…"

"Oh sorry, yeah, I meant – they would just be too rad for him."

Silver groaned. Bellossom's smile dropped just a fraction.

"Anyway, off to the computer… what the fuck."

"Bell?"

"There are so many buttons on this PC storage thing," moaned Ethan. "Wha- how- where do I release Pokemon?"

"You'll figure it out," said Silver irritably. They were wasting far too much time! At this rate, it would take them weeks to finish the game. And Silver was not looking forward to spending weeks without sleep.

"Heeeeelp meeee Silveeeer!"

"Shut up."

ooo

"Goodbye, Rocky. I… probably won't miss you at all."

"You're such an ungrateful moron," said Silver, who didn't particularly care about Rocky's fate but could never resist an opportunity to be rude to Ethan.

"I know, it's part of my irresistible charm," Ethan said, leering at him. Bellossom did a little cheerleading dance to encourage Ethan.

Silver shivered. "Urgh."

"Gold's leer attack was super effective," said Ethan, turning the leer into a slightly manic grin. "Silver's defense fell drastically!"

"What? No!" said Silver as Ethan tackled him. "Fuck off!"

"Bellossom, do your shipping dance!"

"What the fuck?" Silver stopped in his get-Ethan-off-so-I-can-start-Ilex-Forest attempts to stare at Bellossom in utter confusion. Bellossom, cheerfully obeying Ethan's orders, was doing some sort of frenzied dance involving heart shapes, swooning poses and far too much excited bouncing.

"Lossoooom," said Bellosom sweetly.

"What is that supposed to be?" said Silver, raising his eyebrows but still holding Ethan off at arm's length.

"It's our shipping dance," replied Ethan. He looked as if he was about to get up and join Bellossom in a synchronised karaoke version.

That was just too awful for Silver to think about. He pulled Ethan back to the floor. Ethan happily obliged, because any form of Silver pulling him closer voluntarily was a win, especially if it involved being on top of him on the floor.

Even if it involved Bellossom watching.

"You choreographed a dance about… ships? Boats?" said Silver.

"It is short for relationships! See, like, relation… ships? Geddit?"

"Relationshipping isn't a word, moron!"

"It totally is! It means-"

"I just realised," said Silver, narrowing his eyes, "that I don't care. Just get your ass into Ilex before I kick it there."

ooo

It took a few more minutes of Ethan rambling about the intricacies of 'shipping wars' before he finally picked up his DS and steered DR DUDE into the depth of the Ilex Forest. Silver ate a packet of peanuts to celebrate Ethan shutting up and Bellossom finishing his dance.

"Oh man, I can't believe they put in these Farfetch'd," said Ethan.

"This is a thing that happened to you?" Silver was getting a bit frustrated. Sausage (with R-Battz trailing behind her) was just running in circles chasing that damn Farfetch'd.

"Yeah… it really wasn't that exciting… this guy just wanted his Farfetch'd back, I don't even know. I can't even remember why I told Game Freak about them."

Silver sighed. "I feel sorry for the person who had to interview you about this."

"Yeah, I just told Game Freak everything I could remember about my gym tour, and the interviewer guy said, I quote, 'That's quite a lot of detail you've given us, however, we don't think putting in a 'dating my hot rival' subplot would be in-line with our game-making policy. But we'll try to put everything else in, although we might change the details a little. Ahem. Ahem. I am an old fussy adult who hates romance and fun.'"

"What?"

"Okay, he might not have said the last bit…"

"No, what did he mean, 'a lot of detail'?" said Silver suspiciously.

"Ah…" Ethan was getting a little better at telling when he was danger of being punched. He wisely did not answer.

"Bello bellossom bellossom!" squeaked Bellossom.

"Yeah!" Ethan agreed. "A dating sim subplot would've been awesome!"

ooo

Farfetch'd captured and an HM containing Cut in the bag, the two trainers Sausage and DR DUDE continued on their journey. Ilex Forest was really… not very exciting.

"Bellossom!" said Bellosom, hopping up and down and waving excitedly at Ethan's DS screen. "Bello!"

"Time to get a replacement for Rocky!" said Ethan, arm-pumping. "Yeaahh!"

Silver sighed.

ooo

An hour and eleven knocked out Oddishes later, Silver was starting to get a little frustrated. And by "a little frustrated", he meant "frustrated enough to be on the verge of punting Bellossom through a window".

He shook his head. It wasn't Bellossom's fault that his trainer was a complete dumbass.

"How hard can it be to capture a fucking Oddish?" he growled at Ethan.

"Dude," said Ethan, shaking his own head sadly, "it's fucking hard. These little guys just die like… like… oh, I'm so tired, I can't even finish that super awesome joke."

"Just let me do it," said Silver, snatching the DS away. He really should have done this half an hour ago. Bellossom ambled over to watch him.

Sadly, Ethan was more right than Silver had thought. The Oddish on the screen fainted at hardly more than a nudge from K-STEW.

"Silver, you suck," said Ethan. He threw a cushion at Silver. "Silver… this sucks. This sucks so much. This sucks more. I want to take a break."

"You want to take a break?" Silver said incredulously. "I don't think I've ever heard you say those words before."

"That's because I've never been such a failure at anything before," said Ethan, flopping onto the sofa.

Silver could think of many ways in which that statement wasn't quite accurate, but he refrained. He wasn't really in the mood to argue. He was far too tired. He slumped back against Ethan's sofa and closed his eyes.

Ethan suddenly sat up. "What we need," he said loudly, "is more beer! Silver, get me some more beer."

"… Why not get it yourself?"

"Because I need to catch this Oddish," said Ethan fairly.

"Yes, well, that's not my problem. If you want more to drink, you can go out and buy some yourself."

"There are so many reasons to go outside! See, look – firstly, fresh air is good for you. Secondly, I'll pay you back like double the amount if you go and get it. Thirdly, uh…"

Silver groaned. "Whose fault is it that we only had four cans to begin with, huh?"

"Uh… totally not mine… anyway, I bought the games. So. You know."

"I suppose I do owe you that," Silver said grudgingly. "But-"

"And," Ethan added, kissing him quickly, "if you don't go, me and Bellossom are going to do the shipping dance again. For, like, two hours."

Silver shuddered. The thought was too awful to bear. Still… "But how is that less strenuous than just going out to the shops yourself?"

Bellossom jumped up, shaking his petals in excitement. "Bellosso-"

"I'm going," muttered Silver.

ooo

The walk to the nearest corner shop was not terribly far, and Silver had to admit that it was nice taking a break and stretching his legs. Actually, now that he thought about it, he really had to get some other things for the house – they were running rather low on spoons, thanks to Alakazam, and he had to get a new alarm clock because Feraligatr had eaten the last one…

The list of household chores never ends, Silver thought. He was probably going to be out here for some time. He decided to go back and get Alakazam to help carry the shopping back – and help remind him of what he needed to buy.

ooo

"Fuck yeah!" shouted Ethan, tossing Bellossom into the air in celebration. (He missed, trying to catch him, but luckily there was a cushion handy for Bellossom to land on.) "What shall I name you?"

Bellossom squeaked a reply while picking himself up from the cushion.

"It has to be a really awesome name… something that Silver's gonna be so impressed by… hmm…"

"Bello?"

"T-LAUT?" said Ethan thoughtfully. "Nah, that's stupid. Hmm…"

Bellossom sat back and thought with him. Nothing much came to mind.

"This is terrible," said Ethan after some time. "I'm having a complete mental block. It's like someone depowered me of my awesome naming powers. Bellossom, help me!"

Bellossom frowned sadly, for no help would be forthcoming. He had never been good with names.

"Uh… kumquat? Oh no, that's Gastly's already. Bellend? Penis? Nah… you're too cute… man, this is hard! I can't believe I'm out of ideas already."

"Bello bellossom bello?"

"No, I can't call you Bellossom, that would be boring. Oooh… maybe I should call you Vileplume! Just to confuse people. Like Silver."

"Lossom!" said Bellossom indignantly. He did not like Vileplumes. Indeed, he was really far too grateful that the brief period of his life in which he had been a Gloom was just that – brief.

"Or you could be a cooler Pokemon, like… Arceus! Or would that be kinda blasphemous?"

Ethan scratched his head and looked at Bellossom, who pointed out that it would probably be more blasphemous to catch an Arceus and name it Penis.

He had to admit that this was true.

"Oh maaaaan," he sighed, "how is Silver taking so long? I had time to kill about five more Oddishes… I guess I should call him."

Bellossom nodded.

ooo

Silver was currently helping Alakazam add a crate of beer to the top of the telekinetically hovering pile of stuff to buy. It was quite a big pile.

ooo

"Fuck, where's my phone? Bellossom, are you sitting on it?"

"Bello," said Bellossom, shaking his head. "Lo!"

"Oh no, that's Silver's… what a prat, I bet he took the wrong Pokegear. That guy. Seriously, such an idiot sometimes."

Bellossom giggled. Personally he thought that Silver was quite often an idiot who needed to learn to love dancing and cheerleading, because anyone who didn't enjoy the shipping dance was clearly an idiot.

Ethan flipped the phone open and stared at the screen. "What's Silver's password?"

ooo

"That'll be twenty thousand three hundred Pokedollars, then," said the shop assistant. Silver nodded and pulled out his wallet, reaching in for his credit card.

HOT GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS TOO – WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU, EXCEPT-

"Oh my god," snarled Silver, slapping his Pokegear as hard as he could – which was a rather stupid move since his Pokegear was in his trouser pocket and thus this meant that it just looked like he was slapping his crotch as hard as he could.

OMG HAHAHAHA, said Alakazam telepathically. It was strangely difficult to tell if he was saying, "Oh em gee," or "Oh my god." That was the thing with telepathy. Presumably he was not actually thinking in Johtonese at all, which made this whole point rather… pointless.

-NEEDS TO OPEN THEIR EYES, AND REALISE-

"Is that your phone, sir?" said the shop assistant, clearly trying not to laugh.

"This isn't my usual ringtone," said Silver through clenched teeth. "Some idiot must have changed it."

This is so great! said Alakazam, nodding along to the music. Is it Gold calling? What a guy. Before Silver could stop him, Alakazam had already telekinetically pulled the Pokegear out of his pocket.

"Hmph," snorted Silver, looking at the Pokegear that was very obviously not his. The Pokegear that was still loudly singing about being a hot girl. "What a fucking idiot!"

"… sir? Are you going to answer that?"

"Shut up," Silver snarled at him. He flipped the Pokegear open angrily, frowning so hard that his eyebrows were in danger of muscle strain.

The sight of a phone screen reading "INCOMING CALL FROM: BIGDICK" was just the icing on the cake of shame.

HAHAHA, said Alakazam.

"What's so funny?" the shop assistant asked Alakazam curiously.

HAHAHA dude, I think he stored his boyfriend's number as BIGDICK, which is funny because it just came up on the screen HAHAHAHA TMI LOL

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" said Silver down the phone, surprisingly calmly given what he had to put up with right now. "What kind of fucking weirdo has this shit as their ringtone? And why the fuck am I- oh, fuck this, I'm going to just punch you later when-"

Dude, chill

"I will not chill!" Silver practically shouted, and then he realised that yes, he was still in a public place and yes, he had attracted an audience of wide-eyed onlookers including a mother fearfully covering her child's ears. "Fine. Fine, I'm chilling. Ethan, what the fuck is it?"

"… Silver?" said Ethan.

"Yes?!"

"Uh, I was just wondering why you were taking so long, 'cos I got my Oddish like ages ago and I need to you help name him, and ooh have you got the drinks?"

"Fuck off," said Silver curtly, and snapped the phone shut. He looked back at the shop assistant. "I want to pay by card. For your information, this is not my phone. Also, fuck all of you, wimps."

ooo

"Thanks, Ninetails," said Ethan, giving her a friendly pat. "Actually, while you're at it, what's Silver's password to his Pokefacebook?"

ethanisawanker112199, her psychic brainwaves said.

"Ooh, thanks."

ooo

"Guess what?" said Silver coldly, stomping through the front door. "That's one more store I've been banned from."

"How come?" Ethan said. He was annoyingly unsurprised about it, Silver noted with irritation.

HEY GUYS I BROUGHT FOOD AND STUFF, said Alakazam, plopping a pile of shopping onto the floor between Ethan and Bellossom.

"They said I was being abusive towards their staff members. Hmph! Those wimps were the ones who started it."

"Wow, man, that sucks," said Ethan, patting him on the back in a comforting manner.

Silver glared at him. "This is your entire fault! If you hadn't set your ringtone to that stupid song, or if you hadn't been such an idiot who even thinks that ringtone is funny, or maybe if you hadn't been such an immature baby who stores people's names as ' big dick' then-"

"Hey, hey," said Ethan, making shushing motions with his hands. "It's BIGDICK. Not, big dick. Big difference."

Silver hit him.

ooo

"So the point is," Ethan ventured, after about half an hour of angry silence had passed, "I need some help naming this little guy."

Silver groaned. "Just call him Oddish. I really don't care."

Bellossom shook his head vigorously. "Bello!"

"Silveeer, I'm having a mental block. You have to inspire me! Be my muse!"

"No."

Ethan sat back. "I'm never going to get through this forest if I don't name him. And then you'll have to wait with me. So just help me out and give me suggestions?"

"Look, just give him any random nickname if you want to name him. This is so completely pointless."

"That's brilliant!" cried Ethan, picking up his DS. He had been filled with a whole new surge of imagination. He pulled out the stylus, and typed in a name…

"Bello… som?" queried Bellossom.

"It's brilliant! It's perfect! I'm a genius!" said Ethan. "My Oddish, from this day henceforth, shall be known as… HOTGIRL!"

Silver looked at him. "I'm… not even going to respond to that."

"Oh yes, because it's such genius, amirite?" said Ethan, grinning. "I am so clever. Oh my god. Oh yes."

ooo

"Whyarewestllntthryt," said Silver.

"What?"

"Why are we still not at the next town yet," Silver muttered, scowling at his DS. He was still feeling generally very hateful towards the world at large – and actually a little grateful that playing SoulSilver meant that he had an excuse not to get out of the flat for another week.

"Because battles! And trainers! Beating up their Pokemon!"

"Bellossom!"

"Yeah!"

Silver did not reply.

ooo

"HOTGIRL seriously does have problems too," said Ethan sadly, watching the aforementioned HOTGIRL pass out. Bellossom nodded in unhappy agreement.

"That's because he's a weak and awful piece of crap," said Silver sullenly. "Like you."

"Rude!"

"Hmph." Silver walked Sausage further up the path. There was a building up ahead – wasn't there that the Pokemon 'love hotel' just outside Goldenrod? Surely that wasn't child-friendly. "Oh my god."

"Yeah!" said Ethan, watching his game-avatar walk up to and greet Sausage on Silver's DS. "I'm so cool! I'm so cool that even when some people choose to not even play as me, I still infiltrate their games anyway. Looking good, baby."

"I hate you."

ooo

I heartily recommending searching for "hot girls have problems too" on youtube. Also I know I am very bad at staying alive in fandom. Yes. I know. I... just... jobs! Big city! Moving house!

DR DUDE (Ethan): BIGBOY - Croconaw, I [heartshape] K-STEW - Flaaffy, HOTGIRL - Oddish. Rival ASSFACE.

Sausage (Silver): Tofu - Bayleef, kumquat - Gastly, R-Battz - Zubat. Rival Silvera.