Chapter 31

Severus heard a gentle knock at his door as he was packing the last of his belongings.

"Come," he called out.

"Um, hi sir," Alexander said. "Mum said you wanted to see me?"

"Yes," Severus replied. "I was hoping you had some time to accompany me on a small errand this morning."

Alexander took a breath and collected himself. "An errand? Um, I suppose so, sir. I just have a bit of packing left to do. Will we be long? I need to be with my Mu—I need to tell my Mum."

Severus nodded, "shouldn't be long, no. We can apparate there. The whole excursion should be no more than an hour."

Alexander agreed, "Alright. I'll meet you outside in a few minutes. I must tell my Mum I'll be away for a bit."

"Excellent," Severus told him. "I'll be waiting for you outside."

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Severus waited outside at the apparition point and Alexander was rushing out to meet him.

"I'm sorry I'm late, sir. I told my Mum I was coming then I had to help her get Potion off the cabinets. I didn't mean to be so long," he panted.

"You're not late for anything, Alexander. I was the one that disrupted your morning with a last minute request," Severus explained.

Alexander nodded and sized up the man in front of him before reaching tentatively to place his hand on his arm. Severus put his hand over the boy's and with a pop that had apparated away from the castle.

Without seconds that had arrived in front of a house. "Sir, I might need to sit down for just a moment," Alexander told him looking slightly green.

"Apparating nauseates you?" Severus asked and the boy nodded.

"Take this before we apparate again," he said as he handed him a small capsule. "You'll eventually get used to it but it does cause disorientation until then."

"Where are we?" Alexander asked as he looked around.

"That's what I wanted to show you," Severus smiled and gestured for him to follow inside.

When they walked inside, Alexander was immediately struck by the light that flooded the front rooms.

"I haven't signed anything yet," Severus told him. "But, I thought we should have a home away from Hogwarts as well as making sure your mother keeps her rooms for your sister and herself."

"May I look about?" Alexander asked.

"Please," Severus entreated. "Take your time and I'll meet you downstairs in the kitchen. I'm eager to hear your thoughts."

Alexander nodded and slowly started walking through the spacious home. He walked up the stairs and found four well-sized rooms, two with views of the property behind the house. He could make out a pond in the distance and green as far as he could see. As he came back downstairs, he wandered through the front rooms, appreciating the floo, and then found his way into what he would assume would become an office or library. On the desk were papers and he curiously read them briefly before rejoining Severus in the kitchen.

Severus was standing with his arms crossed looking into the yard when he heard Alexander enter the room.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It's very nice, sir," Alexander returned.

"Do you think your mother and sister will like it as well?" he asked.

"I believe so."

"I know your mother has felt safest at Hogwarts, but I hoped she might find that same feeling here, with all of us," he admitted.

Alexander was quiet, clearly thinking.

"What is it?" Severus questioned.

"I… can I ask you a question?" said Alexander.

"Of course, ask anything you like," Severus encouraged.

"Well, I saw the papers in the library and my mother's name is on them but not yours. I don't think I understand," he told him.

Severus nodded and sat down at the table, Alexander sitting down across from him.

"I know that your mother's previous marriage caused her, and you, and your sister a great deal of pain. I don't want any of you to feel that way again. I offered to arrange a pre-marriage agreement that carefully outlined assets and recourse all in her favor but she declined. I felt like if I could arrange the house in her name, she could feel that it was her home….I'm not making sense," Severus admitted.

"I think I understand," Alexander offered. "You don't want her to feel like she has nowhere to go and she is beholden to you."

"Exactly," Severus sighed. "Anything I can do to bring her peace and happiness I will do. I want to do that for all of you."

Alexander sat quietly in his chair for a moment. "I've been working with Mrs. Malfoy quite a bit."

"How is that going?" Severus inquired, curious at the subject change.

"Well, I think," Alexander told him, "we've been working quite a bit on replacements –that's identifying whose emotions you're receiving and… returning them to their owners. It's like Occlumency, but more active."

"That's excellent. Has it helped?"

"Yes. She's also helped me understand about impressions," he began. "Impressions are your emotional memories of people or places or things. I've been working on categorizing and discerning them."

"I see," Severus offered unsure of where the conversation was going.

Alexander timidly continued. "I… I can show you. It's a bit like Legilimens. Please place your hands on the table with your palms up."

Severus did as he was instructed.

"You make impressions all the time but you don't know you do it. Sometimes there is a master impression from a very strong emotional experience with someone that… overwrites all the others. Singularly."

"What do you mean?" Severus asked.

"Well, I will draw up an impression of my Mum. My impression of her towards me." He placed his hands within Severus' and closed his eyes to concentrate. Severus dropped his guard and allowed the impression to move through him. The images of his mother were warm and he could feel Alexander's feelings – deep love and adoration, calm. There were catalogs of images of her smiling at him, holding him, singing him songs, reading to him, bathing him. So many wonderful images and feelings.

When the images stopped, Severus looked up at him. "That was incredible, Alexander. Thank you."

Alexander nodded. "I have impressions of you. I want to show you my impressions of you and my Mum and you and Emmy."

He placed his hands back down and closed his eyes once again. Severus saw images of himself with Hermione. He saw himself pull her towards him and plant a kiss on her mouth and felt Hermione's happiness though he wasn't sure how he knew it was hers. There were dozens more like it where he could sense his own adoration of Hermione through Alexander, a strange but wonderful experience. He saw many images of himself with Emiline and felt her joy, saw her smile, heard her laughter. The images ceased and Severus saw the boy had moved his palms away again.

When he looked at Alexander, he felt that there was more but waited comfortably in the silence as Alexander worked up the courage to continue.

"I… want to show you one more," Alexander continued softly and placed his hands back into Severus'. This one was different. In other viewings he was assaulted by multiple images and feelings that revolved through, but this was different. He saw himself with Ron pinned against the wall, hand on his throat, and wand at his abdomen, sneering in his face. He saw himself turn around and saw pure unadultered rage and hate in his own eyes. Severus knew that image but what he wasn't prepared for was Alexander's release of the emotion in the impression – paralyzing fear. That was the only impression and it played over and over and over again and each time he saw his face turn, he felt Alexander's fear causing a pain so great that Severus himself severed the connection in a gasp, looking up at the young boy across from him.

"I am so sorry, Alexander. So deeply, deeply sorry," he poured out honestly. "I had no idea…"

Alexander saw the pain in the man's eyes and the glassy effect on his eyes, of trying to hold back tears.

"I didn't realize that you were so terrified. It's always like that?" Severus asked and the boy nodded. They both remained quiet for a few minutes.

"I think we should head back," Severus told him, getting up and stepping back to allow Alexander the space to get up as well.

"My Mum will be expecting us," he agreed. They walked outside to the apparition spot and with a pop had returned to the front of the castle. Alexander blanched a bit but recovered quickly.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked him.

"Yes, better this time. I should go finish my packing in my tower then I'll come to Mum's rooms to gather the rest," he told him, walking away at a steady pace. Severus stood watching him retreat pain tearing his heart. When the boy's form entered the castle, he walked upstairs to Hermione's rooms and knocked softly.

"Come in!" he heard her cheerfully call and he walked somberly in. She smiled as she walked towards him but stopped when she saw his pained expression, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Severus! What is it? What's happened?" Hermione asked, taking his hand and leading him to the couch.

She waited for a moment and he pulled her into him and began to cry. Hermione was scared. She didn't know what had happened or what had upset him but she quietly held him as he cried on her.

"Alexander is terrified of me," he finally told her.

"What? I don't think so," Hermione consoled.

"No, he truly is terrified of me, all the time," he confirmed before sharing the experiences he had that afternoon.

Hermione drew her hand to her mouth. "Oh my God," she told him, "I had no idea."

Severus nodded. "I know. Neither did I. I am so deeply sorry, Hermione. I have hurt him, caused him unbelievable pain."

They both sat quietly together while Severus put his head in his hands. "We can't do this, Hermione."

She rubbed his back, "I know."

"We should go tell him," Severus said looking at her, watching the tears begin to well in her eyes and run down her cheeks.

"In a moment," she said then allowed the tears to fall freely and her chest to pound as she wept into him, her back being gently stroked.

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Severus and Hermione held hands as they walked into Gryffindor tower and found Alexander carefully going through parchments from the previous year, choosing what to save and what to discard. There was a light knock then the door opened revealing the pair before him.

"Can we sit down?" Hermione asked. "We'd like to talk to you."

Alexander cleared space for them on the bed and took a chair at his desk across from them.

"We…" Hermione started but couldn't continue. Severus picked up her hand and kissed it before turning to Alexander.

"We have decided that it is best if we not go forward with the wedding tomorrow," Severus offered. "I can't do this to your family."

"What do you mean?" Alexander asked.

"I love you all too much to allow you to live in fear and pain because of me. I could not live with myself if I allowed that to happen," he confided.

Alexander was shocked at the turn of events and said nothing. He saw how tightly his mother had clung to the professor's hand and felt her trying to reign in her own emotions, constructed them behind a wall that he hadn't seen since before her divorce.

She took a breath and gave him a smile though he knew it was fake. "I love you, Alexander. I'll always choose you and your sister before anyone or anything else."

He watched them stand up and leave, pulling the door behind them. He heard her cries outside the door and opened it just slightly to see Severus holding her against his chest.

Severus dropped to his knees in front of her. "I will always be here for you, for Alexander, and for Emiline. Always. Nothing changes how much I love you." She nodded and continued crying.

"We should tell everyone," Hermione choked out. He nodded and laid his head against her abdomen and cried softly. He stood up and held onto her for a few more minutes.

"I'll take care of it," he told her. She could do nothing but nod. "I will love you with every beat of my heart until I take my last breath. If you need anything at all, ever, if Alexander or Emiline need anything, I will be there in seconds. I'm so sorry, Hermione. I never meant to hurt him. I hope one day you both can forgive me."

He put a hand on her cheek and drew her into him giving her one final kiss. "I'll walk you back to your rooms. I'll take care of everything else this afternoon." He clasped her hand as he walked her down the hall and towards her rooms.

Alexander had listened and watched the whole exchange. After finding his own calm, he walked towards his Mum's rooms to check on her. He could feel her pain before he got to the door, gently pushing in, following the heavy pain exuding from behind her closed bedroom door. As he neared the door, the pain took his breath away and he had to step back. Fighting, he listened to her deep sobs and could continue to feel her pulsing heartbreak even from where he stood. He walked quietly out and hurried down the steps towards Severus' quarters.

He could feel a much more guarded sadness as he reached the door, a door that had been haphazardly closed, allowing him to gently push it open. Alexander saw Severus at his desk, head in his hands, crying. Parchment and quill sat on the desk and he could sense the man was trying to gather his resolve.

"Professor?" Alexander asked.

Severus didn't startle. He sat slowly up and wiped his cheeks before turning.

"Are you ok?" Severus asked him.

"My Mum is in so much pain," he told him. "Can you please do something?"

"I know," Severus told him. "I promise that this is the worst of it. She is strong and brave and resilient. Just give her some time."

"I don't want to give her time. I want you to fix this," he told him.

"I don't want her to be in pain either, Alexander. But I don't think there's anything I can do right now. I'll only make it worse."

"Please," Alexander pleaded. "Please come with me. Please."

Severus saw the depth of need in the boy's eyes and reluctantly agreed. Alexander could feel the man's poor attempts to hold his emotions in check and he could only guess at how deep that pain went to cause the unbreakable armor to be in such disarray.

Alexander knocked on the door, calling for his mother. "Mum?"

The pained cries stopped. Alexander directed Severus towards the sitting room. "Please, wait here."

Hermione opened the door from her room and he could see the red eyes and swollen face but felt her destruction immensely. Severus saw it too and every bit of resolve he had shattered as well. Alexander was washed over by a wave of this intense pain and it took his breath away. She looked over at Alexander who had begun to sweat, breathing more ragged.

"Oh God, Alexander!" she tried to rush to him but he held up his hand.

"I'm alright. I actually need you both to move to the other side of the room, please. You're too close and it's… it's too much right now." They both obediently moved to the other side of the room.

When Alexander was able to control his body once again, he let out a calming sigh. "You need to fix this, Severus."

"Alexander," Severus started.

"No," Alexander interrupted. "You promised me you would never hurt her. I have never seen her so deeply destroyed, in so much pain. Fix this."

His instruction was pleading and Severus didn't know what he was supposed to do.

"I'm sorry I broke my word, Alexander. I truly am. I never meant to hurt her, or you. And I have deeply hurt you. I didn't realize how terrified you were. Neither of us want you to live in that kind of terror."

"So you just broke my Mum's heart," he accused.

"I broke your Mum's heart when I broke your trust, when I caused you to experience such fear. I want to tell you that I wish I could go back to that day and do it differently. But if I'm honest, I'm afraid if I went back I would kill him. What does that tell you about me? I don't deserve any of you. I can never make this up to you, Alexander. Never," Severus poured out. "Your Mum and I both agree that we have to make the right decision for everyone in this family and this is not the right decision for you."

"How do you know?" Alexander asked angrily. "You never even asked!"

Hermione and Severus were both shocked at his outburst and remained quiet to listen.

"This isn't what I wanted to happen. I didn't show you those impressions so you wouldn't get married. I was trying to help you understand how difficult this is for me."

"I know," Severus told him. "I would never think that of you. But I understand-"

"You understand nothing!" Alexander shouted then started to cry. "You both made this decision without even talking to me about it. Did you even think about how I would feel?"

"I don't understand," Hermione admitted as she watched her son cry in front of her.

"The impression isn't what's difficult. Not really. What's difficult is what I want and I am having trouble expressing that," he tried to continue.

"What do you want?" Severus asked.

"I want to be a family. I want a dad to love me, too," he sobbed. Severus took the steps across the room and drew him into his arms.

"I do love you, Alexander. It's precisely because of this that I can't bear to see you live in fear of me. That's no life. You have already lived that life and I could never put you back into an arrangement where you fear me as you feared your father."

Alexander's grip tightened around Severus as the older man put his hand reassuringly around his head. Hermione could only watch, crying silent tears at the exchange. Severus guided the young man to the couch and Hermione followed.

"Severus, please fix this," the boy pleaded again, his eyes red and cheeks wet from the outburst.

"I don't know how," Severus admitted.

"You already made us a family. Don't give up because of me," he begged.

"I did not give up. I stepped away to lessen your pain, this burden you carry with you every time you see me," Severus told him but Alexander shook his head.

"That's not the way this works," he tried to explain. "I am not afraid of you. I trust you. I believe you when you say that you love us and want to protect us."

"I'm afraid I don't understand," Severus admitted. "Help me."

"Master impressions can be emotional leftovers. It's hard to explain. I want us all to be in this family. I want you to marry my Mum, tomorrow."

"But you're afraid of me," Severus tried to reason. "I can't allow you to feel trapped or afraid that I might hurt you. I would never hurt you or your sister or your mother. Never. I'm not capable of hurting any of you, though I clearly have."

"I'm not afraid of you," Alexander stated again. "I'm afraid of him."

"What?" Severus questioned.

"I am not afraid of you. This master impression is messed up because I am so scared of him. I have seen him do such horrible things and when I saw him that day, I was so terrified of him. He still scares me. I could feel your anger and protectiveness. You saved my mother. I know that. But the impression is so strong."

"What are you saying?" Hermione asked.

"I'm saying that the whole thing is messed up because it's a master memory of one person, Severus, and a master emotion or impression of him. But they're all tangled up and I can't separate them. The most intense emotion I have ever felt from Severus came that day."

"You were so angry, Severus," Alexander continued. "Destructively angry. I have felt your love, devotion, and joy. Now I have felt the depths of your pain."

"I hate him so much," Alexander admitted. "I have hated him for so long and I am still scared of him, of what he does, and that he is going to come here and hurt my Mum again. That's my strongest emotion. I don't know how to put things back where they go."

"Replacements," Severus connected. "That's what you're talking about."

"Yes," Alexander sighed. "I was trying to explain that today but I couldn't. I don't know how to do replacements in master impressions. I need to replace all of these memories and emotions back to where they go but I can't. I need help."

Severus put his arm around Alexander. "I will do whatever it takes to help you. I should have asked more questions. I was so appalled that I had caused you to experience so much fear then you were forced to spend time with me. I couldn't bear for that to perpetuate."

"I'm sorry for causing you both so much pain," Alexander apologized. Hermione pulled him into her side and kissed the top of his head.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Hermione assured him. "Severus knows that I will always choose what is best for you and your sister, every time."

"Please get married tomorrow, please," he said.

She nodded as Severus drew him into his body and hugged him fiercely. "Tomorrow it is," Severus agreed.