This is NOT Alice In Wonderland! Chapter 1: This Isn't Freaking Alice In Wonderland, a rise of the guardians fanfic

MELODY: So hi guys! This is my actual CHAPTER chapter story about... well, you know what, read.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Rise of the Guardians.

Falling down a hole isn't the best way to start a day. Especially if it's a freaking RABBIT HOLE. I mean seriously, is this Alice in Wonderland or what? Jeezus. How do you even FIT down a freaking RABBIT HOLE?

Ok. Backtrack.

My name is Ryan Karter. I'm a girl. You got that right. A girl named Ryan. Don't poke fun or I'll have to gouge your eyes out with a spoon.

Anywhooz. What a great way to start a story. I'd roll my eyes if you could actually see me, but you see, I'm kinda a figment of Mel's imagination, and hopefully I'll become a figment of your's too.

Oh shit. I'm getting all damn philosophical again. Scuse my language.

I'm in eighth grade at FDR Private in Burgess, Virginia. And that's pretty much all you need to know, because when Mel tries to sound all grownuppy, she says stuff like "her beautiful brown hair cascaded down her back" or some shit like that. Scuse my language. But in case you were wondering, my hair's not brown.

It was one of those super-duper-cold Mondays. Like one of those Mondays where you breathed out and your breath just immediately subliminated so you could catch it in your hand and say, "Woah, my breath just subliminated!" but only if you were a nerd who actually knew what subliminated meant. It was one of those Mondays where you could try to blow bubbled with your mouth and it would freeze and you'd have yourself a glass bubble but only if you were a baby, or had rabies or something.

I had just watched Rise of the Guardians for like, the fifty-hundredth time the night before and I was so pooped that I could barely get dressed and eat breakfast, and now that I look back I'm pretty sure I forgot to feed my fish, but seeing as he was one of those fair goldfish and would've died right after I really didn't care.

I had three quizzes that day and man, it just was a sucky start to a really awkward weird crazy awesome unbelievable hallucination-producing magical really really really strange day. Don't give me that run on sentence shit. Scuse my language.

As you can see, I hate Mondays. But this one topped the "Ryan Karter" charts as far as Mondays go.

So after getting dressed, eating breakfast, and forgetting to feed my fish, I tucked my phone in my pocket and lugged my backpack out the door, barely catching my bus. By the way, this all happened at 6:30.

Another reason why I hate Mondays: I have to wake up at 6:00 because Mom and Dad work early and can't take me to school. It's actually only like 5-10 minutes, but naturally I get picked up and THEN we go to the other three towns. It's the Ryan Karter luck.

Sitting down in the first seat and plopping my backpack down, I rested my head on the back of my seat. I knew that it would take some actual energy to lift my 10000000 pound backpack up when we got to school, and also that it was too wide for the small space between my seat and the back of the driver's seat for me to actually lift it up, but I didn't care. I also don't care that I have a habit for using run on sentences that were virtually pointless.

After about five seconds in Ryan-world that was really about a half-hour in reality, I felt someone shake me, giggling, "Ryan, boy toy, scooch your butt over and make room for me."

I shook my head, blinked, and gave my friend Victory a grin. "But I'm laaazy."

Our bus driver, a black 60 fat woman, was not the best bus driver. I mean man, I'm not being racist here at all, I was describing her. Why is it that when I describe her as a fat black woman people get offended but when you call my mother a fat white woman I'm not allowed to?

Anywhooz. She calls herself Queen Bee, and she has pictures of bees all over the place - it's quite creepy sometimes.

"Sit your butt down," she wheezed in a sort of constipated voice, "Because I'm driving with or without ya."

"I was just sitting down-" Victory started.

Queen Bee stood up and glared at her with bloodshot eyes, "I'M THE QUEEN BEE, AND YOU'RE THE LITTLE BEES! SO SIT DOWN!" Shaken, Victory sat down.

"Good little bee," I patted her on the head. "You listened to instructions. You have officially passed little bee kindergarten!" I then took her silky brown hair in my hands and started to braid it, horribly, I'll add.

Slapping my hand, she took her hair back, "Why can't I braid YOUR hair for once?!" Her brown orbs (what a stupid word) eyed my orange hair that was already braided into two thick braids, tiny red highlights coming out naturally now that it was winter.

See? I TOLD you Mel would find a way to describe my hair with some shit like that. Scuse my language.

"Because it's already braided, numbskull," I sighed, "Back into little bee kindergarten we go." She slapped me again.

"Make sure you got everythang," Queen Bee groan/shouted, slowing the bus and opening the doors. Just as I predicted, Victory was already out the door and halfway towards school before I finally unplucked my 10000000 pound backpack from in between Queen Bee's seat and mine.

"Wait for me, Vicky!" I called, dragging my backpack out of the bus.

Now, so as not to confuse you, I'll tell you a bit about my school. When it says Private, that doesn't mean you pay shitloads of money to go there, or that you have these wicked-awesome classrooms, or that everyone has their own laptop, computer, AND iPad at the school, although we do. Scuse my language.

It means that it's surrounded by at least a mile of trees. And that's Ryan Distancing for you, so don't take my word for it. But it's a lot of trees.

So naturally if you see something moving in the trees, you would flip out and run away. But not me or anything. I'd flip out and run to investigate. Lucky me, that's what happened.

I swerved my way through about four trees or so when I first realized something was wrong. And that was that I was falling. Down a rabbit hole.

But it was the start of a new adventure for me, and a new adventure for you, too.

Oh shit. I'm getting all damn philosophical again. Scuse my language.