A/N: This fic was inspired by the (hilarious) reviews on goodreads . com for the later Maximum Ride books, in which many compare Dylan to various inanimate objects, such as coat hangers, bookshelves, and lamps. Add his list of virtues (hot, can sing, catchphrase: "I Love You Max") and you get a crack fic.

I apologise in advance for any mental scarring this may cause you.

Chapter One: A Broken Heart Can Totally Mess Up Your Brain and Social Life

Max's POV

As I sat on the bed, sobbing my eyes out, I thought to myself, 'wow, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever done." I should be stronger than this. So what that my bastard of a brother/best friend/right hand man/boyfirend left? I was the kick-butt, bad-a Maximum Ride! Defender of the Flock! Future Rescuer of the world! I eat evil for breakfast! I can-!

Another heave of sobs came out.

'I can can cry like Toby Miguire,' I thought bitterly. I vaugely noticed Nudge rubbing my back comfortingly, her tears practically nonexistent now, though her eyes were puffy. The rest of the Flock was in a similar state. Dylan mostly stood by awkwardly, but that's how he normally stands, so I didn't really notice.

With his usual lack of tact, Dylan opened his mouth and said, "Hey, now that he's gone, you can stop running away from your feelings and love me!"

An oppressive silence settled upon the room, dark and murderous.

I shot a death glare at him. A glare that could freeze the gods. A glare that would kill small children. A glare that even surpassed the one given to Iggy after he dyed all of my clothing pink (luckily for him, he couldn't see it, so he was still alive).

Unfortunately, Dylan seemed to be even more oblivious then we thought, as he walked up to me, holding his arms out for a hug with a large smile across his face.

My face twitched. My fist collided quite forcefully with his nose; a satisfying 'crack' sounding through the room.

"Ah, that's better," I said, being the sweet and gentle person I was, as I wiped my bloody knuckles on my jeans.

I turned back to the Flock, "I'll be in the living room, watching crappy Soaps if anyone needs me."

Today, I was in desperate need of some freaking ice-cream/movie time.

And no one, I repeat NO ONE, was gonna get in my way.

A/N: Eh, pretty short, but they'll get longer. And hopefully better...as well as far crack-ey-er *creepy grin*. Anyways, this is my first mulitichapter fic, so this'll be interesting *nervous laugh*, and it's CRACK of all things...*sighs* On another note, I know it doesn't seem very crack-ey right now, but it will be soon...*creepy grin*

Thank you very much for reading!
*bows*