A/N: I haven't been on this site in the longest while. But here is the fruit of 12 hours at night, trying to get over a girl. Enjoy.
And, though some characters are directly taken from their respective fictional works, others have two or more characters mashed together...Like the Inspector...well, you will see.

Act I, Scene I: Café René

(Scene opens in the Café Rene, with The Inspector and Artois standing, looking worried. Jacques Clouseau, another detective, enters, hand over his mouth.)

Clouseau: It never gets better, does it?

Inspector: It never will, but it is for the better. I would be frightened if you were to get used to it.

Artois: I could've never seen something like this happening until it did. Mon Dieu, I feel sorry for the poor bastard. Joseph was such a spirited kid, and an even more spirited drinker. Russian, he was.

Inspector: I have the feeling it was this that lead to the man's demise. A drink too many, and the bickering drunkards are lured in a fight to the death. A murderer took advantage of his inebriation to dispose of him with ease.

Clouseau: Yes, a witty hypothesis, but does it stand up against the light of scrutiny? Who says it was premeditated?

Inspector: It doesn't matter as long as the man behind it is sentenced to a life without light for a long time.

Artois: I couldn't agree more.

Clouseau: Hmm, I can't say that the punishment would fit the crime.

Clouseau:
I do not dig shallow graves for common thieves,
I do not care what you believe,
I will not send every little litterer
to an early grave.
Law is not to punish, but to save.

The Inspector:
You have not seen what I have seen,
You haven't been where I have been.
Every litterer is guilty of a crime!
And every criminal shall do their time.

Clouseau:
The Law is fair…

The Inspector:
The law is Just!
Look past your incompetence and see your weakness.

Clouseau:
Only when you see your bloodlust.

The Inspector: (Turns to Artois) I do thank you for remaining calm in the face of this crime. I will solve the crime as speedily as I can. Just give it time.

(The Inspector exits the door.)

Inspector: Go go gadget Heliocycle.

(Helicopter wing rises from his cap, Inspector exits stage left.)

Artois: That inspector, he's truly something else. He truly astounds me with his mechanical nature.

Clouseau: Indeed, but he received his gift at a hefty cost.

Artois: Certainly had to give up an arm and a leg.

Clouseau: More than that. His mechanical heart was handcrafted by the greatest of artisans in the land. It took a mere seven days to make it, but The Inspector died for an hour until it was placed in his chest. He was never the same after that operation: So clinical, mechanical, like clockwork.

Clouseau:
A heart of steel beats loud,
It makes him brash, it makes him proud.
I wish He could see the change inside.
From which a monster does derive.

Inspector, dear inspector,
What does law mean to you?
You've told me of your hunting justice,
I can't believe it to be true.

Inspector, Dear inspector,
Does justice lead your mind?
Or are you hunting scapegoats,
and justifying crime?

Inspector, beloved inspector,
I want to believe in you,
But your lust to solve these crimes,
it is consuming you.

Artois: (looks around confusedly) Huh, did you hear something? I heard something.

Clouseau: No. Are you sure you aren't rattled by the murder?

Artois: Oh, don't mind me. It's nothing to fret too much about. We all live, we all die. C'est la Vie. I can't say it was much of a surprise. Kid was a magnet for the crazy leftists. Always attracted the wrong types.

Clouseau: Indeed. Well, that is all that's needed for tonight. Goodnight Rene.

Artois: Until later, Jacques.

(The two exit the stage through the door. Stage lights dim. In from stage left enters a cloaked figure that stands in the centre of the stage. Spotlight closes in on him, revealing Xavier Marş)

Marş: Hrm (Bends down and searches the ground for anything. Finds a badge, and hold it up) Huh, What a surprise. Kid's a Jacobin. All kids are these days. It is such an incredibly stupid waste of intellect, if you ask me. (Peeks into other room) It's a Jacobin alright. That's Joe D'acier! I see Joseph wasn't the man of steel everyone thought he was. That's a laugh. (Peers back into the room, briefly) Joe probably never saw it coming. Maybe he even hung around with his killers, a regular Julius Caesar: could have been some kind of power struggle. The Inspector has been quite tough on the organized crime rings in Paris. Joe might have weaseled his way to the top, only to be out-weaseled by a greasier figure. How sad. (Looks around, kneels to pick keys off the ground, sets them on the table) The Jacobins are weakening. It might mean bad things for the underworld. Maybe someone wanted it that way. A rival group? The Regime? That Inspector? That Inspector. The Government made a statement the day he was resurrected: A perversion of society will be met with a perversion of nature. (Looks down and follows bloody footsteps to the door) The killer left through the front door, must've snuck out in the chaos. That means witnesses.

(Door opens, Xavier flees, hiding behind a table. Artois enters)

Artois: Did I forget my keys? (beat) Meh, it's no big deal. Who would break in here?

(Xavier rolls his eyes, scratches head. Artois has a sudden thought, hurriedly enters, and grabs the keys of the table.)

Artois: On second thought…(exits through door. Xavier stands up)

Xavier: Who breaks into Artois's tavern? (beat) …Wait…

(Xavier strolls back to the table, fiddling with the badge)

Xavier: Jacobins are always stirring up piles of crap. This murder, though seems different. Party struggles. Never a good sign. I'll ask around. Can't be too hard to find someone who wanted the Man of Steel dead.

(Xavier exits through door)

Act I, Scene II:

(Scene opens in the dirty streets of Paris, where merchants peddle their wares and homeless sulk about. Louise Aragon is negotiating a newspaper purchase. She walks off with her newspaper and sits down on a newly vacated bench. Xavier approaches.)

Xavier: Can I sit?

Louise: No one is stopping you. (Xavier sits uncomfortably on the bench).

Xavier: Nice weather we're having, Louise.

Louise: No, I've seen hail in the evening skies.

Xavier: Huh. Dish it. What's the news in the underground? Grim stuff I hear. Did you hear what happened at the Rene?

Louise: That depends. Did it happen last night or the night before?

Xavier: Neither. Tonight. This night.

(Xavier pulls the Jacobin badge out of his coat, and hands it to Louise.)

Xavier: Josephe D'Acier was murdered earlier this evening. Heard he was high up in the Jacobin party. What do you know about him? Skip the crap, tell me the knitty-gritty.

Louise: Ha! I know less than you. This is news! Joe was a strong man, big man. He wouldn't go down easily. How did he die?

Xavier: Bar scuffle. He was beaten to death.

Louise: Ahuh… Your murderer must be a big fellow or a bunch of fellows. No average man is going to simply batter Le Acier without being crushed to dust. Why do you think the Jacobin leadership has been stable so long? He's a mighty brute.

Xavier: Well, it seems obvious someone smashed his melon in. Who do you think would be the ones to do it? I was guessing it was his fellow Jacobins, or maybe a Rival gang, like you Marxists.

Louise: I don't like your tone. I might say it was the Government. They don't like the radicals or reactionaries running around France, stirring up trouble. I don't blame them sometimes, especially when it comes to the damn Jacobins. They are petty squabbling war-mongering gentry who are bored with a comfortable lifestyle. They just want to excite trouble. They give everyone else a bad name.

Xavier: I don't care if the Jacobins and the Marxists have been fighting for time immemorial. Was it the Marxists of your clique?

Louise: I don't believe so. Everyone attended the meeting today, around six. We had been distributing pamphlets down by the docks. Everyone in our clique was accounted for.

Xavier: Unless you spoke brief, sparse, quick words, and save chit chat for later, I doubt you could all rush over to Artois's café to kill your rival party boss. Off the hook.

Louise: Exactly. You say that as if you expected us to do it.

Xavier: You don't think I thought you did?

Louise: You're a harsh critic, Mr. Marş. I would entreat you to be kinder to the Nationalist you go grilling. They'd drop you down an elevator shaft if you pissed them off.

Xavier: They hate my guts already. The reason I'm not six feet under is that the Regime hates me much more, and the Nationalists get legitimized by denouncing me. They'd never get rid of their star scapegoat.

Louise: Well, still, try to be careful. Someday, someone will get your goat. Then your goose is cooked.

Xavier: Delightful. I do love waterfowl. Though, you know they give nasty bites.

Louise: (rolls eyes) But of course, the German Vermin, Xavier Marş is prepared for this kind of thing.

Xavier: Seid Bereit!

Louise: Of course. Be prepared.

Xavier:
It's always best to be prepared
Bring a cannon to a knife-fight,
But please, I am not scared.
I'm just properly prepared.

Louise:
Bring a gun to the knife-fight,
They'll stab you twice as hard.
With all your preparation, I can't help but think you're scared,
You're obsessively prepared!

Xavier (spoken):
But you do not seem to get the idea behind being prepared!

(sung)
If you live in dirt, bring some soap
Slinging mud is fun and games,
Crafty men and Devilish dames,
It'd do you best to know their names.

(Enter the Crime syndicates)

Louise: (spoken) Like Who?

Xavier:
There's the Nationalist party,
With 'The Rooster' at the helms,
There's Mafioso Romano,
ruling over the dockside realms
The Jacobins are running like a cock without a head,
The Bonapartists, though I think they might be dead,
The Reactionaries are disbanding soon, I wish I remembered when…

Louise: You're forgetting Fat Louis
and the Monarchists again!

Xavier:
HA! No.

Zoo of beasts, you best beware,
Tread lightly, and with care.
But you must remember most of all,
You must be properly prepared!

I am no fool,
I can read the lines
Scribbled in blood upon the walls;
'The Ghostwriter's day
in court will come,
and from the gallows he must fall!'
The world may bear down on me,
with their teeth and claws bared.
But I can take it, I'm Xavier Marş!
I'm always properly prepared!

(Xavier disappears in the crowd of People)

Louise: I bid you adieu, Monsieur Marş, I…

(Sees Xavier has disappeared)

Louise: Xavier…

(Louise folds her arms disapprovingly. She walks off stage right, while The Inspector and Clouseau enter stage Left)

Clouseau: The coroners found a playbill and tickets on D'Acier's person to the Paris Opera house. Suspicious for a Jacobin, no?

Inspector: Very odd. I would say you go and find our undercover officer and inquire about this death, while I go investigate what he was doing at the Opera House. Go go gadget Heliocycle

(Helicopter blades pop out of the Inspector's hat. The Two exit on opposite sides of the stage. Scene closes.)