Worst Fears

I woke with a start. The nightmares never really stopped since I almost lost Wanda. They reappear every night. And it's always the same.

I wake up groggy and confused, but my senses kick in after a couple of seconds. When I realize Wanda isn't lying beside me, my pulse quickens. I try to tell myself she's just in the kicthen getting breakfast while I pull myself out of bed. I walk quicker than my normal pace down to the kicthen and glance around.

"Have you seen Wanda?" I ask Trudy. Her eyes reflect sadness and she slowly shakes her head no. I go to check the bathing rooms. When she isn't there, sweat forms on the back of my neck. I go back to the kitchen, in hopes I'll see her there.

Relief floods through me when I see the golden hair I know so well. I walk towards her seated with Melanie and Jared. I place a hand on Wanda's shoulder. Melanie looks at me confused.

Confusion rejesters in my brain, too. Why wasn't my hand tingling like it always did when I touched Wanda? I look down at her, and panic finds its way back in. There are no silver irises staring back at me, there are just the plain golden ones that would only belong to a human.

I take my hand away. "Where is she?" I ask Melanie in a whisper. "Where is she?" It rips through my throat like a growl. "Where is she?!" Jared tries to restrain me. "Where's Wanda? Where is she? What happened to her?"

"Ian," Melanie quietly adresses me. The pain is on her face, too. The way Melanie says my name isn't like when Wanda used to say it in Mel's body, though it's the same voice. It's full of pain and longing and sadness. She knows what it's like to lose the one person you're so close too. "Wanda didn't make it, she's buried by Walter and Wes. Wanda didn't make it." Her voice catches. She won't meet my eyes.

And then I remember. I remember waking up to find Wanda not by my side. I remember stumbling into Melanie in the tunnel leading to the Hospital, no reflection in her eyes. I remember Jared looking at me with a pained expression on his face. I remember lunging at him because he let her bring Melanie back. I remember the constant pain of what it's like to lose half or yourself, to lose your soul. I remember burying Wanda, greiving in silence for weeks, not eating, not working, not doing anything. Because Wanda was gone.

"Then who is this?" I refer to Wanda- or Pet or whoever she was.

"This is Petals Open to the Moon's host. We extracted Pet, too. And we gained another human, Elizabeth's her name. Don't you remember?" Melanie asks. And then I do. I remember that I usually don't talk to Melanie or Jared. I blame Melanie for my loss, though I shouldn't. She didn't want Wanda to go, either. That was the first thing she told me. I remember that I usually sit quielt in my room- what was our room- and stare at the stars waiting for my Wanderer to come back to me.

"No," I don't believe this. "No, no, no." I just held Wanda last night. She was there in my arms, I held her! "No, no."

And then I wake up. Every night, my throat dry and raspy from my constant moans of disbelief. I wake Wanda, too. Feeling bad for her doesn't come across my thoughts, I'm too busy searching her eyes for the reassuring silver. "Wanda? Is it you, my Wanderer?" Somehow, this makes her cry. I feel horrible for making her cry, but I can't help it. I'm not convinced until she's curled back up in my arms and kissing me.

"It's okay, shh, it's okay. It's me, I'm here. Shh," Wanna croons. Silent tears roll down her cheeks. I'm too busy having flashbacks of my nightmare to wipe them away.

We lay in eachother's arms until we both calm down. "What was it about?" She asks every night. She says she remembers something from Melanie's memories about talking about your dream makes it somehow better. Her eyes meet mine and then glance away.

"I couldn't find you, you weren't there when I woke up," my voice cracks, "everyone kept telling me that you died, that you were buried by Walter and Wes. Melanie was there, and Pet, too. But there wasn't any indication of a soul in her body. You were there, but it wasn't you. It was just the host you inhabit. Every one looked at me like I lost my mind. And then I started to remember things. I remembered that when you died," my voice catches on the last word, "I didn't sleep for days. Because sleeping brought back memories of you and I would forgot for most of the night that you left. And it never goes away. It's the same thing every signle night." It was a dream inside of a dream. My eyes swell up with tears again. Wanda's do, too.

"It's all right now, I'm here. I didn't leave, I'm here." She holds my face in her hands. I silently curse myself, I didn't think about what it would do to her, to bring up that night again and telling her that it's my most occuring nightmare. I touch our forheads together. "I will never leave you. I promise," she whispers. I can't help but recall she promised she wouldn't leave last time. But she still left. I nod my head, trying to trust her.

"It's my worst fear, Wanda. You not being here, with me, is my worst fear." If only we weren't on the run, if it wasn't the apocalypse, it wouldn't be my worst fear. I wouldn't have to worry about losing Wanda. But life isn't fair.

"Why are human emotions so complicated? How can I be horribly sad but overjoyed at the same time?" Wanda asks through tears. "I'm so upset that you have to worry about everything in this world, but relief and hapiness overhwlems me because I'm here with you. And I'm so scared that I won't be here with you forever. I'm scared."

I kiss her forhead and whipser through her hair, "Don't be scared, we have forever. We do," I reassure myself more then her.

Silence fills the room for a while. "Wanda?" I whisper. "Are you asleep?" She shakes her head no. "What's your worst fear?" I ask quietly, half hoping she didn't hear me. I don't want to make her talk about anything if she doesn't want to.

"Almost the same as yours. Except when I see you, there's silver in your eyes. There's a Soul inside of you," her voice becomes thick like she's trying to hold back tears. I stroke her hair.

"No one's going to put a Soul inside of me. We're safe, okay? We'll be alright." She moves towards me and her lips find mine, filling the hole in my chest empty from worry.

Please review, it really helps to know what you think of my writing. What should I improve on, what's my strong points, what's my weak points, whether or not you liked it, if I should try to write Jelanie and any other ship, if you want me to write more.

And thank you to everyone who's read and reviewed my previous one shots, it really means a lot :)

I hope you enjoyed it!