Monday

Brittany sidles up and waits patiently out of sight for Santana to finish collecting books from her locker. When the door pushes shut with a rush of air and a loud clang, Brittany is ready with a grin.

"It's Monday."

Santana startles at Brittany's grin so close, then smiles as she recovers. "Did you use the phone alarm I made for you again, Britt?"

Brittany's brow furrows for a second while she sorts through Santana's response. "Oh, no. I mean, yes, I use it every week now so I don't get confused at the beginning of the week, but, I mean, it's Monday."

"Is there an anniversary I forgot?" Santana glances sidelong at passersby, like they will remind her of a forgotten date. Brittany scrunches her brow even more.

"Oh my God, what did I forget?" Santana looks genuinely panicked now, a presentation that immediately smoothes out the creases in Brittany's brow.

"No, no, Santana, do you not remember Friday night at all?"

Santana's expression clears, then immediately clouds again. "Oh… you want to claim your winnings for beating me at Scrabble?"

Brittany rocks on her heels, hugging her folder close to her chest. "Yes, pleeease."

"Ok. But, Britt, this is going to be hard. Like, really hard. I think maybe I can be nice to, um-" Santana scrunches her nose and deliberates for a pause "-Wheezy for a week, and I suppose I can be nice to Sugar at the same time, because I can pretend it's a Troubletones reunion or something, and I can be nice to Quinn because paralysis is a bitch, but-"

"Well, it's only five days, since we don't have school on Saturdays or Sundays, and how about you be nice to, like, a few people each day of the week? I just need you to do it to everyone-"

"Wanky."

Brittany continues, unfazed, "-so I can convince everyone in Glee that you've been switched with alien Santana." A small smile breaks on Santana's face.

"That will be super fun."

"I know. So, there are, what..." Brittany pauses, mouthing names as she counts off all of her fingers and then reaches over to count two of Santana's, as well. "Thirteen other people in Glee, not counting you and me. Um, how about, if you did three people every day, on Monday and Tuesday, and four on Wednesday, and save the worst three for Thursday, then on Friday I can convince them all you've been swapped when we're in Glee practice? Avoid everyone except the three people you have to be nice to on each day, which won't be hard, because we can just skip out on lunch. You can start with the easy ones, then work up to the hardest ones, and that'll be Thursday, which is senior ditch day, so if it gets extra hard, we can just ditch the end of senior ditch day..."

"That's a brilliant plan, Britt. Who does that mean I have to be nice to today? Wheezy?"

"Yes, and Sugar, and Quinn." Santana cringes and wrinkles her nose.

"Come on, Santana, you do this. Think about what happens at the end of the week." Santana huffs.

"Fine. Come on, I want to get this over with."

Mercedes is pulling clothes out of her locker while Santana and Brittany watch from down the hall. "Jeez," Santana breathes out. "Britt, she's honest to God gonna wear that florescent crap to Booty Camp."

"You wore an outfit just like that to Brad Gelling's birthday party."

"We were 10, Britt."

"So? I think it suits Mercedes. Anyway, it doesn't matter, you can't make fun of it. Come on, close your eyes."

Santana frowns but does as she's told.

"Now, just, like, bite your tongue and think of me naked. That will put you in a better mood and you can be all sweet to Mercedes, like we discussed."

"Brittany Pierce, thinking of you naked will not make me be nice to anyone except you."

Brittany ignores her and pushes Santana's back in the direction of Mercedes, who's shoving the clothes into her backpack and shutting her locker.

"Whee-Mercedes!" Santana jogs up next to Mercedes and sets her face. "So, I was thinking about maybe trying out an 80s look for a surprise Glee performance, and I notice you're totally rocking the day-glo… maybe you could, y'know, brainstorm my number with me, give me some style tips, after Glee on Friday?" Santana tries not to wince as she delivers the final sentence, and plasters what she hopes is a sincere look on her face. Mercedes narrows her eyes.

"What's going on?"

"…Nothing, I just need your help, is all." Santana half-shrugs and tries not to look for Brittany down the hall.

"You're sure this isn't some plan to get me by myself so you can strangle me with my shell-suit pants?"

Santana buries her laughter and grinds her teeth. "No, really, Mercedes, I just want your help."

Mercedes tosses parting words behind her as she turns left at the end of the hall. "Ok, Santana, but if it turns out you're tricking me, I know where you live."

Brittany is waiting in the middle of the corridor as Santana turns right. "God, Britt, how did you get here?"

"I just walked past you while you were trying not to cry because of being nice to Mercedes."

"This. Is. So. Hard."

"I know… I'm proud of you, though, especially after smiling all the way through Artie and Quinn's song earlier, and being the first to hug Quinn, and everything." Brittany beams and then hushes. "I think Mercedes totally bought it."

"Quick Britt, come on, Quinn and Sugar are sitting together. If we go now, I can do them both at once-wanky-and then I can just ignore everyone for the rest of the day like you said." Brittany rolls her eyes at the rushed wanky interrupting Santana's sentence, but keeps hold of her arm as Santana directs them over to Quinn and Sugar.

"Quinn-you're-looking-very-lovely-I-must-say-that-the-wheelchair-actually-seems-to-be-doing-your-complexion-favors-who'd-have-thought?-" Santana pauses for breath, then continues. "And-Sugar-I-really-think-your-obnoxious-wailing-is-now-less-obnoxious-and-actually-possibly-could-be-just-undiscovered-talent." Quinn looks suspicious; Sugar looks ready to welcome the compliment, as soon as she figures out whether it is a compliment.

Brittany nudges Santana with her elbow and whispers. "Speak slower, San."

Santana looks at Sugar. "Y'know, your voice is, like, what Rachel's would have been like if she was raised by wolves and didn't figure out she could sing till the age of 15."

Brittany nudges again and whispers even quieter. "Wrong direction, San. Go nicer."

"…When we were practicing 'What Doesn't Kill You', I definitely heard a massive improvement in your range."

Leaving behind the sound of Quinn and Sugar staring, Santana turns on her heels and pulls Brittany with her.

Tuesday

Before the first bell, Brittany is waiting by Santana's locker, just as she was expecting.

"Day Two, Santana!" Brittany consults an open notebook in her hand. "Tina, Mike, Sam."

Santana groans. "Can I at least get a good morning kiss, first?"

"Sure." Brittany smiles before leaning over and kissing Santana lightly on her lips, then pulling her in and kissing both cheeks. "There. Magic kisses to give you strength to vanquish the evil threesome."

Santana shakes in Brittany's arms as she laughs. "Do I win the princess if I defeat them with my niceness?"

"You've already won her, remember?" Brittany kisses Santana's grin before pulling her even tighter.

"Trouty, I want to officially declare that my nickname for you-despite popular opinion-is actually 100% affectionate. As well as being 100% accurate."

Santana holds her body still near the back of the choir room, gripping Brittany's hand as the head of every single body turns in her direction.

"I mean it. Don't make me repeat it." She mutters two more words as Sue enters the room and quiets everyone; they are two words only Brittany can hear. "I can't."

"Only Tina and Mike to go."

"I know. I thought they'd be easy, because actually they're kind of non-offensive, but Britt? Every time I see them, all these awesome Asian jokes pop into my head. I can't stop them. They're like the Charlie Sheen of the joke world. They keep coming back."

Brittany tilts her head to the left. "I don't like Charlie Sheen."

"I know, Britt-Britt, you think he's overrated. And a misogynist."

Brittany nods, thoughtful. "Also, I don't buy his hair." Santana cocks an eyebrow. "I don't think it's real." Santana nods in comprehension.

"Fake hair non-withstanding, Britt, I have to go be nice to the Changs."

"Just talk about dinosaurs. I know you liked The Land Before Time when we watched it together; maybe just talk about that with Mike?"

Santana's face glazes over and she mouths Littlefoot before shaking herself. "I don't think I can relive the trauma of that, Britt. It's so freaking sad."

"Ok, um… you could ask Tina if she's still going to get a tattoo."

"I don't like any conversation that raises the topic of other girls' naked bodies, Britt."

"Um, I think I'm out of ideas, San. Maybe just complain about Booty Camp? Then see where the conversation goes."

Santana hums thoughtfully. "Or… maybe I should finally tell them that it was me who sent over that bottle of alcohol-free champagne that one time we were both in Breadstix on dates."

Brittany smiles nostalgically. "That was super nice. They looked so surprised."

"It wasn't that nice, Britt. It was alcohol-free."

"Still, you should tell them. They might try to make a Santana hug sandwich, but it'll be worth it."

Wednesday

"Come on, Britt, it totally counted."

"But I'm not sure they got you were being nice, just that you were on board with Blaine's brother and his acting advice."

"Britt, do you know how hard it was to look enthusiastic for Lego Man Version 2.0 when he has about as much talent in faking emotions as Lord Tubbington has on days when you take him to get his shots?"

"Yes, I know, which is what I mean. Like, your face was doing that thing."

Santana arches an eyebrow. "What thing?"

"You know, that look. When you're being… plastic." Santana squints and Brittany tries again. "Um, you had it last week when you told Rachel you hoped she and Finn would be able to have children, in spite of the enormous height difference between them. It's, like" - Brittany pulls a face that looks concerned and constipated all at once - "this." Santana laughs.

"Oh, when I'm being sarcastic but I don't want anyone to notice?" Brittany nods yes quickly. "But, Britt-Britt, you're the only one who understands that face. Rachel really thought I cared, even if she was suspicious. Which is exactly my point. Everyone else in Glee thought I was all excited about acting lessons. Which is ironic, because I was using some primo acting skills to make them think that."

Brittany pauses. "Ok, it counts."

Santana grins. "So, that's Puck, Artie, Blaine, and Kurt, down, plus a bonus for being nice to everyone, all at once. Don't remind me about tomorrow, though, please, Britt. Just take me to the bleachers at lunch. I need your kisses to ease the stress."

Thursday

Brittany accosts Santana as she emerges from her front door.

"Santana. I thought you were picking me up at 8."

"Sorry, Britt…"

"You weren't gonna ditch on me, were you?"

"No, Britt, of course not." Santana groans and ducks her head. "I just needed an extra long shower. Wearing this smile all week is killing me. And… not only do I have to be nice to the green weasel today, but I have talk to the heterosexual monstrosity that is Berry and Gravy Pants. Or as I have taken to calling them in my head, BerryGravy."

Brittany waits patiently for the end of Santana's monologue before crossing her arms over her chest.

"Santana. You have had to do harder things that this in your life. It will not kill you. And you get to ride the roller-coaster at Six Flags with me." Brittany pauses, softening. "Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get sick again, and you can vomit on Rachel and Finn after and blame it on the ride. That will make you feel better."

Santana sighs. "Maybe."

"Green Ranger."

Rory, watching Finn play skeeball, is surprised to find Santana directing her words at him. "Aren't Green Rangers Power Rangers?"

"Yes."

Rory pauses, unsure if he's meant to continue. "I thought the Power Rangers were superheroes."

"What's your point?"

Rory pauses again. "I've not got a point."

"Ok, well, Green Ranger, I wanted to tell you I forgive you for creeping on my girlfriend at the beginning of the school year. That's all. May your people always have potatoes."

Santana sidles up to Rachel and Finn as they wait in line at a taco stand. She coughs. Rachel and Finn turn, as one.

"Um, can I get you guys a taco?"

Finn's eyebrows stop halfway on the way to his hairline. Rachel's mouth fall open, but she recovers quickly enough to reply. "Actually, Santana, I don't eat tacos. But I am sure Finn would be very grateful if you bought him one."

Santana grunts and bites her lip. She avoids Brittany's eyes from the other side of the taco stand, knowing what her look will be saying.

"So, uh… how is the wedding planning going?"

Finn frowns and turns to Santana as they move forward in the line. "Um, Santana, no offence, but is there a reason why you're, y'know, being nice?"

Rachel jabs Finn in the side. "What I am sure Finn means to say is, Santana, it's very lovely you have joined us in the taco queue. Are you having a nice day?"

"Yes." Santana squeezes the word out, choosing a monosyllable to block streams of insults. She fists notes and change over to the taco vendor, takes three tacos, hands one to Finn, and strides off.

Friday

"Tell it me again, Britt." Santana speaks through a mouthful of butter popcorn, and hands the bowl back to Brittany.

"Ok, so, I go in, and sit down in the front row. Everyone's there, and Rachel asks me why you're not with me, and why I'm late, and why you're not taking rehearsal seriously, because we need to start preparing for Nationals, especially with Quinn's recovery-"

"You can skip past Berry's diatribe this time, if you like, Britt."

"Ok, so Rachel says lots of words in that high voice, and I say: 'Santana isn't coming today because I discovered she was replaced with an alien version last weekend while we were at the zoo, and I told alien Santana to go back and get the real Santana, because I miss her.' And then everyone was all silent, like they are when I say stuff, and I didn't look around, because I was trying not to laugh. Then Kurt said, 'No, Britt, seriously, where is she? We need her for this number.' And I thought about The Land Before Time, like you suggested, to make myself cry, and told them again that you'd been switched with an alien version and that I didn't even know if I was going to get the real you back. And then Puck said, 'Santana has been weird this week.' And Sam said, 'Do you think she really could have been switched?' And I peeked because Finn had that face like he's forgotten where he is, and Rachel was shaking her head so hard I thought maybe she was trying to help him remember, but then Mike said, 'Santana doesn't, like, have a twin, or a sister, or cousin, right?' And everyone looked at me and I just shook my head and told them you were the only one, the only Santana." Brittany pauses for breath then continues.

"Then I decided I needed to get super dramatic, so I started crying harder, and kind of wailed a little, and ran out. Then I hid outside the door to listen, and everyone started talking at once about how you were being strange all week and could there be alien life? and then Sugar said: 'Guys, I was at the zoo last weekend too and there was this enormous bang and I swear I saw something weird land behind the monkey house. I didn't think it was anything until just now...' And then Sam whispered aliens and everyone went super quiet."

Santana gulps another handful of popcorn down. "So classic, Britt. I wish I could have seen their faces."

"Mmm. Oh, and, later on, Kurt and Blaine and Rachel came out to the parking lot, and I was waiting in my car, and they came over to comfort me, and I said it was ok, and that if I couldn't have the real you back, it would be fine, because I've always wanted to have sex in space. And then Rachel looked like she was about to faint."

"Oh, my God, Brittany Susan Pierce."

Brittany grins, passes the bowl back, and kneels up on her bed, bends at the waist, and bows theatrically, complete with a flourish of her arms.