Chapter 7 - Please, Don't Keep Your Heart Hidden Away

The days turned into weeks and slowly the woman was starting to feel normal. Normal enough that she didn't feel like she always had to hole herself up in her cabin. She visited her crew again, taking time out for each of them as she had done before. It was a shame that she spent a great deal of the first few visits trying to apologize for her unprofessional behaviour, and it was rather unnerving how forgiving many of them were with her. She still didn't think she deserved it, but at the end of the day the often silent but stead presence of Thane in her quarters gave her the strength to do it all again.

Chakwas had been rather determined to get the commander on medication, promising that it would help. The woman was resistant and still had yet to take the first dose. Fear was the primary reason she continued to refuse. The last thing that she wanted to be was crazy, another one of those broken soldiers who were only half as good as they use to be. Today had been another rather rough day and part of her was afraid that she would slip back and all the progress that had been made would be lost again. Depression. It was the official word that Chakwas had used the day after Thane had stopped the commander from taking her own life. 'Survivors guilt' and 'stress' were words also thrown around. Labels didn't make it any easier.

Today she had accompanied Grunt (along with Thane), on a Krogan rite of passage. The young Krogan had been so eager, and it had made Anika genuinely happy to see the excitement on his face. The Thresher Maw had stripped the happiness from her. Such a massive creature bearing down on her. She had been sure it was going to be like Akuze, and that she was going to lose them both, but they had survived.

She had been pacing in her cabin for awhile, holding the bottle of pills in her hand. Thane was leaning against the full fish tank. True to his word he had been feeding the colourful creatures and she actually found it more relaxing than the empty water. "Where has your mind gone now Siha?" the question hung in the air for a moment before she finally stopped her pacing and glanced in his direction.

"Akuze," she spoke softly, "but also to tomorrow," she let out a heavy sigh, "I am trying, as several people have suggested to keep looking to the future, but that seems to only fill me with dread. The immediate future holds another errand mission, and soon an encounter with the Collectors. I still fear that I am taking everyone to their death, even if we survive I can only see more fighting, more death" she let out a weary sigh.

"You need to find something to live for," he pushed off the wall and closed the distance between them. Reaching out he picked up the hand that was holding the pills.

"Said the dying man to the woman who would gladly take his place," she whispered and felt his grip tighten around her hand. She forced her eyes to his face, finding his features incredibly close to her own.

"I may be dying, but I have not stopped living. You may not be dying but you are not living either," he cupped her cheek with his hand.

"What would you suggest?" there was a hint of anger in her voice as she pulled away. He was speaking the truth and it was pissing her off because she didn't want it to hit home as much as it had.

"What do you want," he said as his arms fell silently to his side.

"I don't know, I haven't wanted anything in a long time, I cannot afford the luxury." she crossed her arms over her chest looking defiant for a brief moment before she looked away. Sacrifices had to be made, she had to put aside her own wants. His fingers ghosted across her cheek, before coming to rest under her chin gently coaxing her gaze up to his once more.

"What do you want," he repeated, as though he knew the answer already despite the redhead having no idea where to even begin. When she really thought about it there was many things she wanted. A new bottle of whiskey for one, a proper funeral and burial for her parents, the proof that everything she was doing and sacrificing was actually for something not just another pawn in a long and drawn out game, being in the arms of someone who loved her perhaps even of the man before her now. All perfectly selfish things, all things that she couldn't or wouldn't say out loud.

His thumb brushed across her lower lip. "You have given me a reason to live again," leaning forward he pressed his lips on her forehead. With a quick intake of breath at the unexpected touch she closed her eyes. "Let me help you find yours."

"Why? So I can watch you die as well?" the painful truth of the reality of the situation caused the tightness in her throat to return.

"There is still time, and perhaps I could reconsider my resistance to some of the more drastic treatments if I knew that my Siha would fight for her life as I would fight mine," he smiled.

"You want me to fight for you?"

"No, I want you to want to fight for you."

"I need a coffee," she pulled away running her hand through her hair, "so much work to be done," he bowed his head and retreated in search of the hot black beverage she seemed to live off of many mornings. He returned with a mug of hot black coffee not ten minutes later only to find her sleeping, a soft smile crossed his feature. Setting the mug down on her table he took a seat on the couch, folding his hands together, he bowed his head and waited for her to rise again.

She was falling again. Hands reached up hoping to get a hold of anything but once again there was nothing to be found. She was in space again and she couldn't breathe, couldn't scream, could only wait for her body to shut down.

Siha

A voice was calling her, a voice that she knew. Help, why won't it help her?

Waking with a start she felt firm arms around her waist to the point of it being almost painful. As she started to struggle she noticed that she could see the ground and realized that she had almost fell out of bed, yet again. Dragged back onto the bed she found herself wet from sweat and yet cold at the same time. The covers had apparently been disregarded in her dreamed struggle.

Her body shuddered at the sudden chill in the air. The sheet was pulled over her once more and she felt a warm body press into her. "What do you dream about when you struggle that hard?" he voice was barely a whisper. She did not answer at first, opting instead to roll over and nestle her face into his chest inhaling the comforting scent of the man whom she had grown closer to than she had expected when they had first met.

When she finally chose to speak her voice was quiet, "same dream as always, falling, it's always cold and dark, except for the times when I can see the old Normandy burn," He had seen her at her weakest and most vulnerable and instead of turning away from her, or passing her off to someone else, he had been the one that had stayed. "It isn't important," his fingers played at the muscles in her back, pressing tenderly and massaging clenched muscles in gentle circles in an attempt to make them and her relax.

"I somehow doubt that," a serious expression on his features as he sat up, resting a hand on her arm, rubbing gently. "You are always so tense," he mused, "even when you should be relaxed," she chuckled and sat up, letting her feet dangle over the side on the ground. Her back turned to him, he adjusted his hand to rest on her back. Resting her head in her hands she rubbed them over her face a few times. She could see the light in the darkness that had consumed her so completely. It would take time and perhaps she'd never be completely normal again, but she did not have to face it alone. At least, not for awhile. What would she do when he was gone?

"Commander, we have arrived at our destination," EDI announced from the station by the door.

"Time to suit up," reluctantly she pushed herself from the bed. "Thane," her voice was quiet as she picked out her standard outfit to be worn under heavy armour, "what are we exactly?" It wasn't that she wanted to label, but she did want guidelines.

She felt his presence behind her as she pulled her armour out of it's storage unit. "I do not know," there was a hesitations in his voice. His arms snaked around her waist and she leaned back into him. "I do know that I will follow you into the darkness, I will offer you a way out, my arm is yours, and-" his warm breath danced across her neck, "my heart is as well."

AN: as always the title of this fic and the chapter are lyrics from a Josh Groban song. This is, as far as I'm concerned, the end of this little story. As I mentioned all the way back at the beginning I wrote this almost a year ago and hesitated to publish it because I was not completely satisfied with the ending, but I also had no idea where else to take it. Since then I re-read it, several times, and changed and added things. I opted to publish it as a little short (ish) story, a glimpse into the the world of Shepard. I may, in the future, explore the dear depressed and alcoholic Shepard, but that will likely be done in another unrelated entry. If you have the time to review I'd appreciate it. Thank you all for taking the time to read my fanfic!